Kiss Me Like You Mean It (5 page)

Do you think I’m into a little overkill here? Too intense? Out of line? No, I’m not. And I can prove it. Solomon and Shulamith feel the same way I do.

You’re the Best!

The Song of Solomon teaches that your spouse is your number one human priority.

Solomon (2:2)
“Like a lily among the thorns,
So is my darling among the maidens.”

Solomon says Shulamith is a lily, and all the other women are thorns. They are not even other flowers. Thorns! She is not one beautiful woman among many beautiful women. No. She is the most beautiful woman in the world, by far. No other woman is even close!

Shulamith (2:3)
“Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest,
So is my beloved among the young men.”

Shulamith, not to be outdone, says Solomon is an apple tree and all the other guys are just regular, run-of-the-mill trees. An apple tree is much better than a plain, old tree, because it provides shade, comfort, and nourishment.

Shulamith (5:10)
“My beloved is dazzling and ruddy,
Outstanding among ten thousand.”

Her man is dazzling! That’s pretty high praise. When Shulamith uses the word outstanding, she is referring to Solomon’s character. As a man of character and integrity, she wants him to know he has no equal.

Solomon (6:8–9)
“There are sixty queens and eighty concubines,
And maidens without number;
But my dove, my perfect one, is unique . . .”

Perfect? Oh, come on! Nobody’s perfect! Wrong. Solomon says Shulamith is perfect, and he’s not exaggerating. He means it. He wants to convince his wife that she is the absolute best, one of a kind, and far superior in every way to every other woman. He’s not saying he doesn’t notice other women. He’s saying they can’t hold a candle to his woman.

Peel Yourself Off the Big Six

Your spouse is more important than everyone and everything else in your life. To make this biblical truth a reality, peel yourself off whomever and whatever is above your spouse. Give your spouse permission to tell you—anytime— when he or she does not feel like the top priority in your life. Your response to any such expression ought to be, “You’re right. I’m sorry. How can I make you feel and know you are the priority in my life?” Then, do what your spouse asks you to do.

Great passion cannot exist without great friendship. In their Song of love, Solomon and Shulamith live out this truth. They are, unquestionably, best friends.

From 4:9–5:2, Solomon calls Shulamith “my sister” five times. It is a term of intense affection and indicates that he considers their relationship to be as close as brother and sister. It is as if they are bonded by blood.

Shulamith (5:16) “This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.”

Shulamith wants others to know that Solomon is more than the man she loves. He is also her friend. In fact, I don’t believe that you become beloved without also being a friend.

In 5:1, God seems to confirm the lovers’ deep, rich friendship by calling them “friends.” He does this, interestingly enough, at the same time they are experiencing sexual intercourse for the first time.

One simple way to cultivate best friend status in your marriage is to always share your life experiences first with your spouse. As you go through your day, all kinds of things happen to you. Routine things. Funny things. Interesting things. Painful things. Stressful things. Spiritual things. Even zany things. Save these personal events and let your spouse be the first one to hear them.

If you blab to others before sharing with your spouse, you water down the impact of your experiences. Your thoughts and emotions get diluted and lose their vibrancy. When you share something, it has much more punch the first time you share it. You and your first-time listener form an emotional, relational bond that subsequent retellings cannot produce.

If you want to tell others later, fine. Let them get less punch and less bonding. Let your spouse get the original, fresh version when you and your emotions are deeper and more spontaneous. This way, the two of you have a better chance to connect at the heart level and branch off into a great conversation.

A common misconception about the Song is that it’s all about sex—you know, a lot of kissing, touching, and intercourse going on. And, believe me, a lot of this kind of erotic, physical behavior does go on in the book. (More on the physical in later chapters.)

But the Song is filled with passages on communication and emotional connection. God, through Solomon and Shulamith, is telling us that regular, intimate conversations prepare lovers for great, passionate sex.

Shulamith (2:3)
“In his shade I took great delight and sat down,
And his fruit was sweet to my taste.”

Shulamith is with Solomon in a private place. She feels safe and protected with him. She is praising his speech and saying that she is getting to know him intimately. She is delighting in their deepening communication. The two sweethearts will soon enjoy physical intimacy, but they prepare for physical closeness with emotional closeness.

Solomon (2:14)
“O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
In the secret place of the steep pathway,
Let me see your form,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your form is lovely.”

Solomon has made time to be alone with Shulamith. They are together in a secluded place. It is not a time to get physical. Not yet. It is a time to get emotionally connected. He wants to be with her, to see her, and to hear her talk. He wants to get to know her. He admires her beauty, but it’s not only about her physical beauty here. He desires to know her more deeply as a person. This is a time to focus on her and listen to her.

Wouldn’t every wife love to have her husband do what Solomon is doing here? Wouldn’t your wife be thrilled with this kind of a private conversation time in your home? You’d better believe she would!

Schedule at least four thirty-minute couple talks per week. Sit down every weekend and schedule these talk times. Schedule two weeks ahead if necessary. If you can get more than four a week, great. But get at least four. (For help in learning how to talk to each other, see my book,
Cinderella Meets the Caveman
.)

Here are some specific how-tos for your couple talk times:

When

The time of day doesn’t matter. You can talk in the morning, midday, or in the evening. If you talk in the evening, do it as early in the evening as possible. You need to talk when you’re still fairly fresh and have some brain cells operating. Don’t try to communicate at the end of the evening when you both are tired.

Get your crumb-crunching black holes—um, kids—to bed or out of your hair, so you can have complete privacy. I know you love your kids. God loves your kids. The whole world loves your kids. But you need to remove them from your presence so you can build intimacy in your talk times.

Kids are never mentioned in the Song. You want to know why? Because where kids are, romance and passion die! That’s why! Your marriage is your number one human priority in life, and you need kid-free talk times.

Where

Choose a talking place in your home that is private and quiet. You are creating an oasis in the middle of your busy, stressful lives. It’s an escape into your relationship. No children, no television, no computer, no telephones—cell or any other kind—no pets, and no newspapers or magazines. No distractions. Period.

Make your talking place warm, soft, and inviting. The ambience can make a real difference. You’re creating a mood. The deeper the mood, the deeper the conversation will be. Turn the lights down low, play some soothing music in the background, and have a candle or two burning.

How

Okay, you have your wonderful children in their rooms. You are sitting together in your talk time place. What now? I recommend you follow my five-step couple talk time plan. These five progressive steps will lead you gradually to intimacy. This plan has worked for Sandy and me for years. It has worked for hundreds of couples I’ve seen in my therapy office. It will work for you too.

First step: Start with a brief prayer

Take each other’s hands and say a short prayer: “Thank you, Lord, for giving us each other. Thank you for this time together. Please help us to open up and really connect in conversation. Amen.” That’s it. Thirty seconds, at the most. This prayer deepens the mood and invites God into the process.

Second step: Read your couple’s devotional

Read a page from a couple’s devotional and answer the questions at the end. It’s easy and a great conversation starter. Two excellent resources are the Dobsons’
Night Light
, and the Raineys’
Moments Together for Couples
. The devotional gets you warmed up and could trigger a stimulating conversation.

Third step: What’s on your mind?

Here, you each suggest daily living topics like, what happened today, work, family and friends, spiritual life, church, stresses, worries, and events that triggered strong emotions. You’re catching up on your lives and looking for a topic or two that show potential for more intimacy.

When you find a promising topic, talk about it, and agree to continue talking about it at your next talk time. I call these “carry-over topics.” Talking about the same topic two, three, or four times will create a deeper level of emotional intimacy.

Fourth step: Pray together

You’re going to have a longer—five or ten minutes—prayer time now. Get a pad and make a list of prayer requests. Divide the list between you and pray for the requests one at a time, back and forth. Hold hands when you pray, because this creates a mood and connects you via touch.

Fifth step: Move from prayer to conversation

When you finish praying, talk about some of the things you just lifted to God in prayer. These are the concerns of your heart, the important persons and situations you care about the most. These form your
bridge
from prayer to conversation between you.

This progression is not set in concrete. I know it works, especially for couples who are just beginning to have talk times. Give it a try. Play with the order of the steps. Mix them. Find a sequence that works best for you as a couple.

One of the ways Solomon and Shulamith practice priority in their relationship is by meeting each other’s most important needs. Shulamith meets Solomon’s need to be respected and honored (5:10). She also meets his need to be desired sexually (5:16). Respect, honor, and sex are three of nearly every husband’s most important needs.

Solomon meets Shulamith’s need to be loved unconditionally and completely (2:14). He meets her need to be provided for, to be protected, and to feel secure (3:6–11). He leads her in communication and meets her need to be emotionally connected to him (4:1–10). Nearly every wife would list unconditional love, protection and security, and emotional connection, in her list of top five needs.

The only surefire, guaranteed way to identify your spouse’s needs is to ask. Don’t assume you know. Don’t try to read your partner’s mind. At least twice a day, ask, in person or over the telephone, what his or her needs are.

Ask in the morning, before you go your separate ways: “Honey, what are your needs today? What can I do for you?” Husband, because you don’t have a memory, jot down your wife’s needs. At the beginning of your evening together, when you first see each other, ask for each other’s needs again. “Sweetheart, what can I do for you tonight?”

Once a week, in one of your talk times, ask your spouse: “How am I doing meeting your needs? How can I do better?” When needs are not met, passion erodes. So, get a needmeeting performance evaluation once a week.

Solomon and Shulamith have a love that is intense. Bordering on obsessive. It is clearly the most important part of their lives. They know the secret of
priority
. They make each other number one. And, boy, does it pay off in passion!

5

The Sheet Hog and the Mad Snorter

Sandy Clarke is a sheet hog. There, I’ve said it. After twentyfive years of keeping her dirty little secret, it feels good to finally expose the truth. By day, Sandy is a wonderful wife and mother. She is a selfless, nurturing, and kind servant who focuses on the needs of others. But, by night, she turns into a selfish, grasping, and greedy sheet hog.

I need a crisp, clean sheet covering my vulnerable body. Do you know the purpose of a sheet? It regulates body temperature during the night. It keeps you feeling cool and fresh so you can sleep soundly. It acts as a barrier between your body and the heavier, more abrasive blanket. Everybody needs a sheet! Everybody is entitled to a sheet!

Every night, Sandy and I start with the sheet evenly distributed across our bodies. We’re both happy. The sheet belongs to both of us. We’re a team. We’re sharing. I kiss her goodnight, and we drift off to sleep. My last conscious thought is, “Maybe tonight I’ll get to keep my half of the sheet.”