Kiss Me Like You Mean It (8 page)

“We’re Not Having Any Fun!”

A lot of women are professional shoppers. They love to shop. They live to shop. Most men think about sex once every seven seconds. Most women think about shopping once every five seconds. My Sandy is no exception. I’ve seen her in full shopping mode, and let me tell you, she is a force of nature. When she hits the mall, don’t get in her way. You
will
get hurt.

For Sandy, shopping is a thrilling adventure with no time limits. She usually has an idea of what she wants, but is open to all possibilities. She’ll see what happens. She enjoys the entire experience: planning the shopping trip, talking about what she’s thinking of buying, the actual shopping trip, showing the kids and me what she purchased, trying on any clothes she purchased and giving a fashion show, and calling family members and girlfriends to describe in excruciating detail the items she purchased.

Of course, sometimes Sandy comes home empty-handed from a shopping safari. She can shop for three hours and buy nothing. Absolutely nothing! Amazingly, coming home with zilch doesn’t bother her in the least! She considers it time well spent. She does love to buy things, but that’s only a part of the adventure. She also loves looking at all the items, talking with all the salespersons, and spending time with her shopping companions.

When I’m shopping with Sandy and it looks as though she’s not going to buy anything, I panic. I’ve told her, “Honey, please buy something! Anything! How about that antique Chinese vase? I don’t care if it’s five hundred dollars. Buy it. If you buy nothing, we’ve wasted our time!”

When I shop, if I’m not able to buy what I came to buy, it’s a disaster! I’m furious. I feel cheated. Humiliated. I have lost. I’ve failed to achieve my objective. For me, a shopping trip is a mission. Operation: Locate and Buy Something I Need. I have a clearly defined item as my goal, tight time parameters, and I zero in on accomplishing the mission.

The differences between men and women in the shopping arena are huge. Let me illustrate with how Sandy and I each shop for shoes. (Before I describe the shoe-shopping process, it’s important to note that Sandy has at least two dozen pairs of shoes.) I am the proud and cost conscious owner of three pairs of shoes. When one of my three pairs of shoes wears out, I go to the shoe store and buy the exact same pair of shoes. I walk in and tell the sales clerk I want to buy the same shoes I’m wearing. He hands me the shoebox. I buy the shoes. I walk back to my car, and I drive away. I’m thinking, “Wow! That took ten minutes. A new record! And I beat that guy in the Florida Gator T-shirt to the counter. Sweet!”

When Sandy shops for shoes, it takes as much time and effort as the Lewis and Clark expedition across America. She goes to the mall and walks through twenty shoe stores. She touches eighty percent of the shoes in those stores and tries on fifty percent. She has a pretty good idea of the kind of shoe she wants, but is in no hurry to find it.

She wanders up and down the aisles of shoes, searching for that one perfect pair of shoes. It’s out there. She knows it’s out there. She picks up a pair, feels them, turns them around, talks about how she feels about them, and mentions the outfits she could wear with them. If a pair passes this initial inspection, she’ll try it on and walk around. She asks me what I think—like it matters—and then replaces the shoes and moves on.

Sandy gets distracted continually by other stores and the items they offer for sale. She’ll exclaim, “Oh, that’s cute,” and walk over to the cute item and finger it. I say, “I thought we were shopping for shoes.” She gives me a look that says, “You don’t get it, do you? I’m shopping here!” She ends up going into every store in the mall, with the exception of the tobacco shop.

Sandy’s checklist for a pair of shoes is: style, color, brand, fit, outfits it will match, price, and friendliness of the salesperson. Speaking for myself, I don’t care if Frankenstein is the salesperson, as long as he is holding the box with the shoes I want. But for her, the most important determining factor is her
vibe
about the shoes. How do they make her feel? No vibe, no purchase. Sandy will wait two hours or twenty hours until she gets the vibe. When that bolt of intuition and inspiration strikes, that’s when she will buy the shoes.

No More Shopping, No More Fun

For the first eight to ten years of our marriage, I went regularly with Sandy on her shopping trips. That’s why I can describe them so well. But frankly, I got tired of going with her. I began to have these kind of thoughts: “I hate shopping. The way she shops drives me nuts! She takes way too long. Do I care about women’s shoes, women’s clothes, fabric, pillowcases, and the million other things she loves to buy?”

So, I stopped going with Sandy on shopping trips. And it was a big mistake. I was focusing on the shopping and not on Sandy. I missed having these blocks of time with her. I missed having fun with her. I missed the funny little things she’d say and do while shopping. I missed goofing off, teasing, and playing around with her on these trips. I missed the opportunities for spontaneous, playful conversations with her. Plus, I stayed home with four kids and they drove me nuts! I’m ashamed to admit it took me years to realize what I was missing. What
we
were missing. It’s not just about the shopping! It’s also about being with my most favorite person in the world, and the fun we create together!

So, I’m back to shopping with Sandy now. I don’t go with her every time she shops. I’m not the most terrific husband. But I do go fairly often. I still hate to shop, but I love Sandy, and I love being with her. We have fun. We play. We connect. We get closer.

“I Don’t Want to Do What You Want to Do”

Many couples make the same mistake Sandy and I made. After a few years of marriage, they stop engaging in activities they used to do together. If a spouse doesn’t enjoy a particular activity, he/she stops doing it. Hey, isn’t that the American way? If I don’t want to do something, I don’t have to do it.

It used to be: “I don’t care what we do, as long as we are together.”

Now, it’s: “I don’t want to go to the mall with you.”

“I don’t want to watch the ballgame with you.”
“I don’t like going to the beach.”
“I don’t like your television shows.”
“I don’t want to walk around the neighborhood with you.”
“I loathe bowling.”
“I can’t stand golf.”
“I don’t want to rollerblade with you.”

You can see the selfishness, can’t you? What happens is the two of you gradually pull apart. You lose opportunities for spontaneous, playful experiences together. You lead increasingly separate lives. You each do more activities on your own.

The lack of fun time together spreads to other areas of the relationship. Even when you could be together, you stay apart. In the evening, you are very often doing different activities in different rooms. Communication goes down. Romance goes down. Sex goes down. You’re not having fun anymore.

When you go out together on a “date,” it’s not romantic. It’s not playful. It’s not a time of fun and laughter. You’re going through the motions. It’s a good idea to go out on dates, so that’s what you’re doing. It’s better than nothing, but not by much.

“We had a nice time,” you say. A date is not supposed to be a “nice time.” You have a “nice time” with your mother, or your Aunt Bertha. A real date with your spouse ought to be fun, stimulating, romantic, and sensual. That’s why you got married!

When you go out to eat, it’s not only about where you go and what you eat. It’s also about your conversation and the resulting romance, intimacy, and sex. When you go to a movie, it’s not only about the movie. It’s also about being together, talking about the movie, and discussing how the movie relates to your personal lives and relationship. When you go to a concert or a play, is it about the specific performance? You know the answer. No! It’s also about sharing the experience and developing conversations about what happens when you’re together.

This is why I can go shopping with Sandy and have a great time. I enjoy what happens between us during the shopping trip. Even if you both enjoy the activity, the activity alone should never be the focus. The focus is the unpredictable fun, laughter, chemistry, intimacy, and sexual desire you create during the activity.

Here are the top seven lame excuses married couples have given me to explain why they no longer do fun, playful activities together. I have included my brilliant therapeutic responses.

Lame Excuse #1: “We save fun activities for special occasions.”

Dave Clarke: “Bad idea. There aren’t enough special occasions each year to keep a romantic, playful spark in your marriage. Do you have sex only on special occasions? To get quality, you always need quantity. You need one fun activity per week.”

Lame Excuse #2: “We can’t afford to go out all the time. Money is tight.”

Dave Clarke: “First, you can’t afford not to. Second, going out can be cheap. Get creative with your activities. There are many things you can do for next to nothing. In fact, the cheap dates are usually the best ones.”

Lame Excuse #3: “We have small kids at home.”

Dave Clarke: “That’s exactly why the two of you have to get out of there! Your kids are killing your romance and passion. That’s why God created babysitters.”

Lame Excuse #4: “We don’t have any activities that we both enjoy.”

Dave Clarke: “Yes, you do. You just haven’t found them yet. Also, it isn’t necessary for both to enjoy a particular activity. Being together and having fun interacting is what it’s all about.”

Lame Excuse #5: “We’re too busy.”

Dave Clarke: “You’re breaking my heart. Sandy and I had four small kids at home and we went out together regularly. You always make time for what’s important.”

Lame Excuse #6: “We’re not doing too well as a couple right now, so this isn’t a good time to go out together.”

Dave Clarke: “I know you’re not doing well. That’s why you’re in a shrink’s office. Because you’re not doing well, now is the perfect time to go out and create some fun. If you wait until you feel like it, it’ll never happen. Do the behaviors and the feelings will follow. Sure, you’ll have to force yourselves to do it. So what? Change can occur through new behaviors.”

You begin a relationship with a member of the opposite sex because you are physically attracted to that person. The physical chemistry between you two is thick. You are mesmerized by the beauty of your partner. You can’t keep your hands off each other.

During dating and for the first few years of marriage, your physical relationship remains strong and vibrant. You’re like a couple of kids, laughing and playing with each other. You flirt. You tease. You talk about sex. You make out and enjoy intercourse often.

But then, your infatuation runs out. The kids come. Your jobs make more and more demands on your time and energy. The fun, the spontaneity, and the playfulness are squeezed out of your marriage. You’re not joyful, exuberant lovers anymore.

You’re Mom and Dad. You’re Mr. and Mrs. Job. You’re business partners. You’re roommates. You’re too busy. Too stressed. Way too serious. You’re too wrapped up in life’s hectic pace and responsibilities to have fun with each other. You’re still physically attracted to each other, and you still have sex, but your level of passion is greatly reduced.

You don’t talk and joke about sex. Making out is a dim memory. The only time you kiss and play is during intercourse. This, in itself, is a
huge
mistake and a sign of decreasing passion. You don’t have intercourse as much as you used to, and when you do, it has all the passion and intensity of a business meeting. It’s quiet. Civilized. Routine. Boring.

What happened to you? You’ve stopped playing with each other. Sex, at its heart, is play. If you’re not playful
outside
the bedroom, you can’t be playful
inside
the bedroom.

Do you want your passion back? Do you want your feelings of joy and excitement back? Do you want your great sex back? I know you do.

What’s the answer? I’m going to tell you what I tell all the married couples I see in therapy: “Be honest with each other. Without meaning to, you’ve performed a funectomy on your marriage. The fun is gone. It’s time to bring the fun back, and I can tell you how to do it.”

8

Make Your Marriage a Romantic Comedy

To create the right mood for this chapter, I will retell the ending of one of the world’s best-loved romantic comedies. Over the years, this film’s tender, funny, and magical message has touched the hearts of millions of lovers.

The final scene opens with the camera showing two persons at the edge of a cliff overlooking an ocean. The scenery is breathtaking. The sun is about to drop into the water at the horizon. The sky is painted with a kaleidoscope of stunning colors. The perfect romantic setting.

The camera zooms in and we see that the two persons are none other than the hero and heroine of the movie. They are old now. Quite old. The man is in a wheelchair with a blanket covering his withered legs. His faithful wife stands behind him, her hands resting on the wheelchair handles. Their last dialogue begins: