Kiss Me Like You Mean It (6 page)

Every night—and I’m not exaggerating—I wake up between one and two a.m. with no sheet. Sandy has stolen—that’s right, stolen—the entire sheet! She is literally rolled up in the sheet. It’s like sleeping with a mummy. The sheet is wrapped around her body and securely wedged under her. It would take the Jaws of Life to get it off her. And don’t think I haven’t considered that option.

Even if I could somehow unwind the sheet, it wouldn’t do me any good. The top of the sheet is all bunched up near her beautiful face, and she has a death grip on it with both her hands. She’s not giving up that sheet!

What do I do? All you spouses who sleep with a Sheet Hog know what I do. I grab that sheet and yank it as hard as I can, which spins Sandy around and breaks her control of the sheet. As I yank, I yell in a Tarzan-like voice, “I’m taking back my half of the sheet, Sheet Hog!”

I wish I had the guts to do that. I’ve often fantasized about it. But, I don’t. You sheetless spouses know what I do. I do nothing. I take it like a man. I go without the sheet for the rest of the night. Without that sheet, I’m exposed to the elements, and the ceiling fan makes me cold. If I pull the blanket over me, it’s scratchy and makes me hot.

I’m uncomfortable. I’m out of sorts. I have trouble going back to sleep. As I toss and turn, I’m forced to watch Sandy as she sleeps like a baby. With my half of the sheet helping her sleep.

Is Sandy apologetic for her sheet hogging or in any way concerned about it? Shockingly, no, she is not. She always laughs when I bring it up, as though it’s some kind of a joke. I asked her to go to some kind of sleep laboratory where a minor but painful shock would be administered each time she began her sheet hogging behavior. She refused. In fact, her exact words were, “In your dreams,
Mad Snorter
!”

Why would Sandy call me a Mad Snorter? Well, I have a confession to make. Sandy is not the only one with an obnoxious, annoying nighttime behavior. I snore. And if snoring isn’t bad enough, I snort. Loudly. Several times a night.

Just about every night, I’m sleeping—actually, snoring— and suddenly I rip off a massive, big-bang, ear-splitting snort. It’s so loud I wake myself up. And Sandy. And the kids. And the little dog two houses down the street.

The first few times it happened, I said to Sandy, “What was that? Did a car backfire? Did someone fire a shotgun?” I was serious! I had no idea it was me. Sandy said, “It was you, Mad Snorter!” She had the nerve to be upset, lying there all wrapped up in my sheet.

Sandy told me she could probably handle my snoring, but my snorting was a problem. My huge snorts woke her up at least twice a night. I tried to convince her my snorts were my body’s way of reacting to the trauma of not having the sheet. I said, “It’s as if my body is crying out, ‘I have no sheet. Help me!’ ” Sandy didn’t buy it.

Being a good husband, I tried all kinds of snoring remedies. Adhesive strips on my nose. Pills. Magnets. All kinds of special pillows. I even used one pillow filled with buckwheat hulls. It felt as though I were sleeping on a pillow filled with, well . . . buckwheat hulls.

I still snort. Sandy has assured me she won’t divorce me because of my snorting. Suffocation is a possibility, but not divorce. Sandy still hogs the sheet. I have accepted the brutal reality that I will sleep the rest of my life without a sheet.

You know what? That’s okay. It’s better than okay. Why? Because I get to live with the most wonderful person in the world. Yes, Sandy is a Sheet Hog. But her many positive qualities far outweigh her sheet hogging. Sandy feels the same about me. I am a nocturnal snorter, but Sandy chooses to dwell on my many strengths.

We have learned that focusing on each other’s weaknesses and imperfections weakens our marriage. So, we deliberately determine every day to concentrate on positives and not negatives.

Many spouses make the mistake of allowing small annoyances to turn into federal cases. The molehills of bad habits and irritating behaviors that were overlooked early in the relationship can grow into mountains of intolerance and resentment. The husband begins to focus more and more on the negative traits of his wife. And the wife does the same thing with her husband.

All this negativity sucks the joy and love right out of the relationship. Appreciation of the positives that got you married in the first place fade away. The spontaneity and thrill of passion is replaced by the dullness and frustration of resentment.

When I see a married couple in therapy, my initial job is to get the spouses to stop the negative flow and start a positive flow. Let me tell you, it’s a tough job. Each partner is zeroed in on the faults of the other, and the blame game is in full swing.

When I tell husbands and wives their first assignment is to write a letter detailing
their own faults
in the marriage, they are horrified. I’m met with stunned silence which quickly turns into protestations of “but our problems are my spouse’s fault.”

In over twenty-one years of seeing couples in therapy, I have heard just about every marital complaint you could possibly imagine. Here’s a brief list including my comments to the complaining spouse. I think you’ll recognize most of these. (And, yes, I am trying to make you feel guilty.)

“She’s Overweight!”

Husband: “Doc, I’m just not physically attracted to my wife anymore. We’ve had two kids, and her body isn’t the same as when we got married. The extra weight she’s carrying is a real turn-off. I have never been attracted to overweight women. I don’t want to make love to her. Frankly, I don’t even like being around her. I have brought up her weight a number of times, and each time she’s gotten very angry and hurt. She runs crying to our bedroom, and I feel like the bad guy.”

Dave Clarke: “You ought to feel like the bad guy, because you are the bad guy. You moron! When was the last time you looked in the mirror? You’re not exactly male model material. You might be able to model underwear for a store called
Big, Paunchy, and Out of Shape
.
We
didn’t have two kids, either.
She
gave birth to those babies. Pregnancy changes a woman’s body. Let’s put an eight-pound bowling ball in your belly, have you carry it around for nine months, and then squeeze it between your legs. I’ll bet your hips will change too. Your critical comments are destroying her self-esteem and her love for you. She already feels inadequate compared to all those glamorous, surgically enhanced babes in the media. Now, you’ve convinced her that she’s ugly. Go home, fall on your knees, and beg her forgiveness. I’d throw in some serious groveling while you’re at it. Then tell her often she’s beautiful. In time, she will gain confidence.”

“He’s a Lazy Bum!”

Wife: “I can’t seem to get my husband to do much of anything around the house. He works hard and makes a good living, but I do ninety percent of the household chores. What drives me batty is he’ll promise to do a chore but then won’t do it. He’ll tell me, ‘I’ll do it later,’ but later never comes. He forgets, and I end up doing it. I refuse to let him get away with being a slacker. I keep after him every day, asking him to do jobs and pointing out the jobs he hasn’t done. I get pretty sharp with him, but I feel like I have to light a fire under him. He says, ‘I can’t please you,’ but that’s a cop out.”

Dave Clarke: “You are a world-class nag. I’m sure you don’t want to be, but you are. You’re pecking him to death. It’s a form of torture. A man never responds to that kind of treatment. He’s a slacker at home. You’re right. But continually criticizing him won’t motivate him. His feeling that he can’t please you is real. When a man believes he can’t win, he quits trying. Plus, being a nag makes you miserable. Start praising him for his hard work at his job. Praise him for every job he does around the house. Praise him for the character qualities in him you admire. When he’s praised regularly, he’ll be a happier husband and inclined to be more helpful.”

“She’s a Lousy Housekeeper!”

Husband: “You would not believe how disorganized my wife is. She can’t seem to handle her responsibilities at home. Every evening, I come home to chaos. The house is a mess, the kids’ toys are everywhere, the kids’ homework isn’t done, and she’s running behind on dinner. I get angry, because I know the answer is self discipline and time management. I tell her that she has plenty of time to complete all her tasks. I mean, the kids are in school most of the day! If I had the time she has, the home would run efficiently.”

Dave Clarke: “Sir, I don’t think you’d last a day if you changed roles with your wife. Do you have any idea what it’s like juggling all the household chores with the kids in your hair? You’d be begging for your mamma by the end of the first day. Even if you could be more efficient than she is, that’s not the point. She’s your wife, and she is a wonderful person with many great qualities. Stop crabbing about what she’s
not
doing and start complimenting her for what she
is
doing. You didn’t marry her because of her tremendous housekeeping and time management skills. You married her because you love her. Also, get off your duff and help her with the chores and the kids.”

“He Drives Like a Maniac!”

Wife: “My husband thinks he’s a race car driver on the road. He’s always in a terrible hurry. He drives too fast, he’s impatient, and he cuts in and out of traffic like a madman. He continually honks at other drivers and calls them names when they’re too slow to satisfy him or they impede his progress in any way. I’m glad we don’t have a Christian bumper sticker on our car. I’m always telling him to relax, to slow down, and to be more careful. Just about every car ride is ruined because of all the tension and conflict between us.”

Dave Clarke: “You married a man, that’s your problem. Peppering him with warnings and criticizing his driving won’t change him. It will only damage your relationship. For him and most guys, every car ride is a NASCAR race. He’s in a competition to get where he’s going as quickly as possible. You could have married a man who is sweet, kind, nice, and drives like a ninety-nine-year-old woman. You didn’t do that. You married a regular guy.”

Flaws, Quirks, Pet Peeves, and Other Assorted
Imperfections

He leaves his clothes on the floor. She has too many clothes but keeps buying more. He refuses to stop putting his socks and shirts into the laundry inside out. She talks on the phone too much. He stalls and stalls on doing home improvement projects. She won’t sit with me and watch television. All he does is sit on his keister all weekend watching sports on television. She spends way too much time cleaning the house. He smacks his lips when he’s eating. She clicks her teeth. He picks his nails. She cracks her knuckles. He wears old, worn out, food-stained clothes. She has the world’s biggest shoe collection. He belches and won’t say “excuse me.” She hogs the bathroom and uses up all the hot water. He won’t replace the toilet paper. She takes up ninety percent of our closet. He has bad breath. She’s always late. He leaves his whiskers in the sink after shaving.

Do any of these complaints sound familiar? I could go on and on and on. Living with a member of the opposite sex brings out all kinds of annoying behaviors. It is easy—very easy—to begin focusing on your partner’s negative qualities. If the pattern continues, your view of your spouse becomes all or mostly negative.

It’s not the annoying behaviors themselves that cause the damage to the marriage. Most of them are not that big a deal. It’s your
focus
on these behaviors that causes the damage. The positives are eliminated and you are left with only the negatives. Your love cannot and will not survive under these circumstances. Nitpicking negativity is one of Satan’s most effective tools for destroying a marriage.

I’m not saying that these kind of annoying, irritating behaviors don’t ever need to be addressed. Some need to be ignored, but some need to be changed. What I’m saying is that you must not allow your spouse’s flaws to outnumber your spouse’s good qualities in your mind. Also, when you begin to deliberately insert positive comments and compliments, watch how they squeeze out the negatives.

When you and your mate are maintaining a huge, regular flow of positives, that’s when negatives and weaknesses can be tackled and fixed.

Solomon and Shulamith did not complain about each other’s imperfections. Quite the opposite.

6

“You’re the Most Wonderful Person in the World”

Some time ago, I saw a couple in their fifties in marital therapy. When I came out to my lobby to meet them before their first session, they were sitting on opposite sides of the room. Not a good sign. It became clear quite soon that they hated each other’s guts. The atmosphere in my therapy office was thick with their mutual resentment and bitterness.

They told me their story, and it was an ugly one. Multiple affairs. Domestic violence. Bitter disagreements over money and parenting. Verbal abuse. Chronic, nasty conflict over a wide variety of petty issues. At least sex wasn’t a problem: they hadn’t had sex for twenty years. They slept in separate bedrooms.