Kiss Me Like You Mean It (7 page)

About halfway through the session, I thought to myself: “This is one of the worst marriages I’ve ever seen.” At the end of the session, when it was time to give my evaluation, I said, “I have to be honest with you. Your marriage is awful. Unbelievably bad. It’s not even a marriage. It’s more of an ongoing feud. But with God’s help and hard work, your marriage can be fixed. It can be a great marriage. The first step is to create some positive flow in your relationship.”

I stepped to my huge window, opened the blinds, and said, “As you can see, this window has a complete view of the parking lot. I’ll be standing here watching, and I want to see you holding hands as you walk to your car. If you’re not holding hands, I will rap on the window.”

If looks could kill, I would have been murdered on the spot. I thought for one frantic moment they weren’t going to pay me. They thought I was crazy, and they told me so. But they did it! As I watched, they held hands on the way to their car. It was awkward and forced for the first ten steps, but then something clicked, and I could tell they were enjoying it. There was a spark of life between them. This couple had a lot of hard work to do over the next three months of therapy, but the change in their marriage began with the simple act of holding hands.

Solomon and Shulamith would love this story. It illustrates a truth about marriage that they live out in the Song: Positives Produce Passion.

Praise, Praise, and More Praise

The positives in the Song come in the form of verbal praise. A lot of it. Solomon and Shulamith aren’t shy about complimenting each other. They are effusive in their praise. They quite literally
gush
over each other’s positive qualities. Why? Because they know this results in passion. And passion is what they want!

Over and over in the Song, the same progression is illustrated by the two lovers: praise first, followed by passion.

“Kiss Me, Mr. Olive Oil”

Shulamith (1:2–3)
“May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine.
Your oils have a pleasing fragrance,
Your name is like purified oil . . .”

Shulamith wants his wonderful kisses. She praises his love and compares him to pure olive oil. In that day, olive oil was rare and precious. She is complimenting him on his purity and goodness.

Shulamith (1:4)
“Draw me after you and let us run together!
The king has brought me into his chambers.”

Chambers? What are they going to do in his chambers? Play checkers? Read the paper? Fold the laundry? No! Shulamith praises him, and then she wants him physically.

“You Are So Beautiful, I Can’t Stand It”

The woman always wants the details. She wants to know— indeed, needs to know—why you feel the way you do about her.

Husband: “I love you, honey.”

Wife: “Why?”

Husband: “What do you mean, why? I just do.”

Sound like a familiar dialogue? Your wife wants to hear the specific reasons behind your love for her. She wants to hear the qualities about her that make her lovable. She’s looking for reassurance, and when she gets the specifics, that locks it in for her. Now she can really believe you love her and see her as beautiful.

Solomon knows Shulamith needs to hear the details of his feelings for her. In 4:1–7, he paints a verbal portrait of the most beautiful woman in the world. It is his woman, Shulamith.

Solomon (4:1a)
“How beautiful you are, my darling,
How beautiful you are!”

A good beginning. He calls her beautiful twice. Most husbands would stop right there. Not Solomon. He’s just getting warmed up.

Solomon (4:1b)
“Your eyes are like doves behind your veil;
Your hair is like a flock of goats
That have descended from Mount Gilead.”

Okay, some cultural context here. Don’t use the “hair like a flock of goats” line on your woman. Back in that day, it was a very hot thing to say to a woman. Today, it would obviously fall flat. Say something like, “I love your hair because it’s so soft, smooth, and luxuriant.” (For some great “hair lines,” read her shampoo and conditioner bottles.)

Solomon (4:2)
“Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn ewes
Which have come up from their washing,
All of which bear twins,
And not one among them has lost her young.”

You’ve got to be kidding me! One whole verse dedicated to her teeth? In that day, it was a big deal for a woman to have all her teeth. Talk about details! I can relate, though. Sandy has a little space between her two front teeth. I love that space and tell her often that it’s a part of her beauty.

Solomon doesn’t stop at her teeth. Oh, no. He keeps going down her body, describing every beautiful part: her lips, mouth, and temples are next (4:3). Who cares about temples? He does. He wants her to know that he thinks she has magnificent temples. When was the last time you complimented your wife’s temples? I thought so.

In 4:4, Solomon expands his praise to Shulamith’s character:

“Your neck is like the tower of David
Built with rows of stones,
On which are hung a thousand shields,
All the round shields of the mighty men.”

Solomon tells her that her neck is not only physically attractive, but it also reveals some wonderful internal qualities. She carries herself with strength, dignity, and integrity. He wants her to know she is beautiful physically and as a person. Shulamith, like every woman, yearns for her man to find her beautiful outside
and
for the beauty that is inside.

Finally, in 4:5:

“Your two breasts are like two fawns,
Twins of a gazelle.”

What took so long? Solomon wants to make sure that she realizes that it isn’t just about her breasts. They’re part of the gorgeous package, but not the focus of his desire and love. Every single physical part and every single character quality is beautiful.

In case she’s still wondering if he thinks she’s beautiful, Solomon closes the deal in 4:7 with these powerful words:

“You are altogether beautiful,
my darling, And there is no blemish in you.”

Oh, come on! Isn’t this overkill? Everybody has flaws! That’s right, everybody does have flaws. Everybody but your wife! That’s what Solomon is saying to Shulamith. She is not only beautiful, inside and out. Her beauty is perfect to him. Period.

When I’m teaching a seminar on the Song of Solomon and reach chapter four, I tell the men: “Your wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. Right? Well, then, tell her. Do it now. Let’s practice. When I raise my hand in a moment, I want every husband here to whisper in his wife’s ear: ‘You are the most beautiful woman in the world.’ And, whisper one reason why that’s true. It could be a physical feature, a character trait, or a spiritual quality. All right, go! And make her believe it.”

The wives love this. Absolutely love it! Then, I add: “Is doing this once a year good enough? No! Every six months? No! Once every month? No! Husbands, tell her she’s beautiful with a specific reason
every day
.”

My great friend, Bob Johns, is a master at telling his wife, Pam, that she’s beautiful. When Sandy and I are with the Johns, Bob will comment on Pam’s beauty more than once. Pam loves it, and she loves Bob for doing it.

Bob and Solomon know you need to convince your wife every day that you think she is the most beautiful woman on the earth. When you get that done, how will she respond? The same way Shulamith responds to Solomon’s praise in chapter four of the Song.

In 4:11–5:1, there is a very erotic description of exactly how Shulamith responds to Solomon and his heartfelt compliments about her beauty. They have deep intimate kisses (4:11), she is very sexually aroused (4:15), she urges him to come inside her (4:16), and they have intensely pleasurable intercourse (5:1).

Shulamith gives herself completely and passionately to Solomon. I think you get the picture.

“Come Over Here, You Stud”

Just a few verses later, Shulamith goes on her own rant of praise for Solomon. As Solomon did, she begins with a general statement of praise.

Shulamith (5:10)
“My beloved is dazzling and ruddy,
Outstanding among ten thousand.”

She describes him as a strikingly attractive man. He’s not just good looking. He’s dazzling. But she also wants Solomon to know that she deeply respects his character. He is outstanding. He is extremely impressive to her.

Solomon, as every man does, yearns for his woman to think he’s a physical stud and to be impressed with him as a person. Shulamith knows this truth and so continues to praise his physical attractiveness and excellent character.

Shulamith (5:12)
“His eyes are like doves . . .”

She loves his eyes because they are soft and express his love for her.

Shulamith (5:13a)
“His cheeks are like a bed of balsam . . .”

She adores his cheeks—the cheeks on his face, in case you were wondering. (I bet she likes his other cheeks too!)

Shulamith (5:13b)
“His lips are lilies,
Dripping with liquid myrrh.”

She’s crazy about his lips. His kisses are gentle and sweet.

Shulamith (5:14b)
“His abdomen is carved ivory . . .”

The man has abs of ivory! At least, she thinks so. She is also commenting on his strength.

Shulamith (5:15a)
“His legs are pillars of alabaster . . .”

She admires his powerful body and believes he is unshakable in times of trouble.

Shulamith (5:15b)
“His appearance is like Lebanon,
Choice as the cedars.”

She tells him he is a distinguished, regal person who possesses great dignity.

At this point in a marriage seminar, I tell the wives it’s their turn to take a few minutes and whisper some praise into their husbands’ ears. I say, “Your husband is the most impressive man in the world. Right? Well, then, tell him. When I raise my hand, whisper into his ear, ‘You are my man and you are outstanding.’ And, whisper one reason why that’s true. It could be a physical feature like his cheeks, a character trait, or a spiritual quality.”

Although the husbands love it, the wives seem to love it even more. The ladies usually get carried away and keep on talking and touching their husbands.

In 5:16, Shulamith describes their mutual passionate response to her words of praise for Solomon:

“His mouth is full of sweetness,
And he is wholly desirable.”

We know Solomon is responding to her, because of the “sweetness” in his mouth. This phrase refers to the tender and kind way he speaks to her. Only a lover speaks this way. And there’s no question Shulamith wants him. She finds him very desirable.

Idealize Your Spouse

The Song teaches that you need to see your spouse as perfect. Not really, really great. Not terrific. Perfect. I think the passages I’ve already discussed make this point clear, but here are a few more.

Solomon (1:8)
“Most beautiful among women”

Solomon (4:7)
“Altogether beautiful . . . no blemish in you”

Solomon (5:2)
“My perfect one”

Shulamith (1:16)
“Handsome, pleasant”

Solomon (6:9)
“My perfect one . . . pure . . . blessed”

This is not overkill. This is not over the top. It’s how you need to view your precious spouse. That is, if you want passion.

Stop Being a Crab—Think Positive

Stop crabbing about your partner’s faults and annoying habits. You are a whiner! Do you want to see a real pest with all kinds of weaknesses? Look in the mirror! Satan wants you to focus on the negative. He’ll use your negativity to kill your love. He’s done it to millions of couples, and he wants you to be next.

Focus instead on your partner’s positives. If you’re really mired in a negative mind-set, write down a few of your wife’s good points on a three-by-five card and carry it around with you. Look at the card often, and think about those positives. Dwell on them. Pray that God will help you see and appreciate your spouse’s positive qualities.

Give your partner, in person, one positive statement per day. It can be physical: “Your eyes are beautiful.” “I find your feet attractive.” “Look at those abs!” It could be a character trait: “You’re kind.” “You’re patient.” “You have integrity.” “I love your sense of humor.” It could be a spiritual quality: “You’re a godly person.” “You love Jesus.” “I admire you for having regular quiet times.” “Thank you for praying with me last night.”

Also, twice a day tell your spouse in person, “I love you.” These three words convey a powerful, positive message. Don’t tell me you’re not an expressive person or that you never heard your parents say these words to each other. Just do it.

Out with the Negative, In with the Positive

Negatives destroy passion. You know that, don’t you? Let’s say you and your spouse are in the bedroom preparing to make love and these are your thoughts:

Husband: “I wish she wasn’t such a sheet hog! She slurps her soup like an animal. She’s gained a few pounds.”

Wife: “He’s been late getting home from work three times this week. He hasn’t unloaded the dishwasher in two weeks. He took that last piece of pie last night.”

Boy, this is going to be a super sexual time, isn’t it? When you dwell on your spouse’s negatives, sex and every other area of your marriage is damaged.

When you dwell on your spouse’s positives, three great things happen. One, it will stimulate
in you
feelings of closeness and passion for your spouse. Two, it will stimulate
in
your spouse
feelings of closeness and passion for you. Three, it will result in passion.

I will add a fourth benefit: it will lead, inevitably, to great sex. And isn’t that why you bought this book?

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