Kiss Me Like You Mean It (11 page)

That’s not enough kissing! Frequent and heartfelt kissing, in addition to just before intercourse, is essential to main-tain a steady flow of romantic feelings. Bob and Betty don’t know this, and it’s taking a huge toll on the romance in their marriage.

Save Your Excuses and Get to Work

I ask just about every couple I see in therapy: “Why don’t you create romantic situations and kiss as though you mean it?” I’ve heard every conceivable excuse for not engaging in these emotionally and physically romantic behaviors. Here’s a brief sampling.

“I’m stressed.”

“I’ve got to meet the needs of my kids.”

“Why kiss her passionately if we can’t have intercourse right away?”

“If we kiss passionately, he will want intercourse.”

“I’m busy at work.”

“I’m too tired.”

“I have to get all the household chores done.”

“I don’t think she’s interested.”

“I don’t think he’s interested.”

“I have a lot of resentments against my spouse.”

“My back is sore.”

“You haven’t smelled my spouse’s breath.”

“We’ve already had our kids.”

“Passion is for younger couples. We’re old now and don’t need it.”

I always give the same thoughtful, compassionate, therapeutically appropriate response to all these excuses: “Baloney!”

Of course, that’s not all I say. I continue with these words of truth and, hopefully, motivation: “God made the heart of every married person to be romantic, and to feel the passion that springs out of romance. He designed your hearts to need a regular cycle of romance and passion. Living without this cycle is death to your marriage and will put you both at great risk for an affair. So, let’s get to work on your romance.”

10

“I Want to Be Kissed Passionately!”

Look, I have to be honest. There are some verses in the Song of Solomon that don’t quite fit the theme of romance I’m developing in these chapters. I’ve written these troubling verses below. Read them, and then I’ll try to explain what they mean.

Solomon: “Although I do find you alluring, I confess I find myself drawn to other, more beautiful maidens.”

Shulamith: “You are indeed handsome, but you do not share words as sweet as a young man I know in the village.”

Solomon: “Our love is comfortable, like the well-worn tapestries in our bed chambers.”

Shulamith: “Your kisses and tender caresses are not needed for me to feel close to your heart.”

I’m sure you’ve figured out that you won’t find these words anywhere in the Song. No way! Solomon and Shulamith never speak to each other in this way. They would pity any couple who does. By studying their words and their behavior, we can learn how to create and maintain an intense, sizzling romance in our marriages.

“You Are So Hot, Baby!”

The very first recorded words Solomon speaks to Shulamith, in chapter one of the Song, are some of the most romantic words in the entire book:

Solomon (1:9–10)
“To me, my darling, you are like
My mare among the chariots of Pharaoh.
Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments,
Your neck with strings of beads.”

Why are these words so romantic? Because they come in response to Shulamith’s comments about her physical appearance:

Shulamith (1:6)
“Do not stare at me because I am swarthy,
For the sun has burned me.
My mother’s sons were angry with me;
They made me caretaker of the vineyards
But I have not taken care of my own vineyard.”

Shulamith’s dirtball brothers forced her to work outside, and the sun had turned her skin dark. In that day, fair skin was the standard of beauty. The other women were looking down on her because of her dark complexion. Even though she seems to be dealing confidently with this social rejection, it is significant that she mentions it.

In 1:9–10, Solomon immediately and powerfully assures her that he finds her extremely attractive physically. She is as beautiful as his horse. I wouldn’t compare your wife to a horse if I were you, but back then this was a high compliment.

Solomon’s language here indicates he desires to make love to her. Knowing she’d appreciate hearing some specific reasons why he sees her as beautiful, Solomon compliments her cheeks and her neck.

Just about every wife is insecure at times about her looks. She compares herself to other women—friends, strangers, women in the media—and feels inferior. Your job, husband, is to make her understand that to you, she is beautiful.

Solomon wants Shulamith to know that he thinks she is gorgeous. In case she harbors any doubts, he closes the deal with these words near the end of chapter one:

Solomon (1:15)
“How beautiful you are, my darling,
How beautiful you are!”

Why say it once when you can say it twice? The point here, for you, is: tell your wife often she is
physically
beautiful. That’s what Solomon does throughout the Song. Read his words:

(2:10) “my beautiful one”

(2:13) “my beautiful one”

(4:1) “How beautiful you are . . . How beautiful you are!”

(4:7) “You are altogether beautiful”

(6:4) “You are . . . beautiful . . . lovely . . . awesome”

(6:10) “beautiful”

(7:6) “How beautiful . . . you are”

Solomon passes along a secret: When a woman is complimented on her physical beauty, she feels loved and confident and will respond with physical passion. She will think, “If you think my body is beautiful, I want you to touch it. I want to share it with you.”

Yes, you notice other women. You’re a man. But immediately get your eyes away from other women and back on your woman. And think to yourself: “That woman is attractive, but my woman is much more beautiful.”

Husband, tell your wife often that she is beautiful. Never use the word “pretty.” Your woman is beautiful. I disagree with writers who say it’s okay to comment on another woman’s beauty in front of your wife. How stupid is that? That hurts your wife and erodes her confidence in your opinion of her looks.

Although she doesn’t do it as much, Shulamith also lets Solomon know she finds him very good-looking:

(1:16) “How handsome you are”

(5:10) “dazzling and ruddy”

We’ve already seen how, in 5:10–15, Shulamith goes into detail describing the beautiful parts of Solomon’s body. So, wife, make it a regular practice to let your man know he is a physically striking stud.

Complimenting your spouse’s physical beauty creates a romantic spark, produces a physically passionate response, and protects you from the dangers of focusing on the beauty of others.

Let’s Get Romantic

Solomon and Shulamith were masters at creating romantic situations. They knew how to put themselves in a romantic mood in which they could experience feelings of love, intimacy, and intense pleasure.

Probably the best example in the Song of how the two lovers choreographed a series of romantic steps is 2:10–14. We’ve already seen (in chapter eight) how these verses display the playfulness of Solomon and Shulamith. But they also reveal some serious romance. The progression in this passage is: playfulness (2:10), followed by a romantic mood (2:11–13), and finally, a deep romantic interaction (2:14).

Solomon playfully asks Shulamith to go out with him into the great outdoors. He weaves a romantic mood, using vivid descriptions of the beauty of spring. Finally, he and Shulamith end up in a very private, very romantic setting:

Solomon (2:14) “O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
In the secret place of the steep pathway,
Let me see your form,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your form is lovely.”

They are alone. The entire world is shut out. They are connecting on a deep, emotional level. They are feeling physical chemistry and passion. It just doesn’t get any more romantic than this.

Here is a list of behaviors that can help you and your lover create romantic situations:

Hold hands when you walk together.

Open your woman’s car door for her.

Open the door of every building for your woman.

Walk your neighborhood holding hands.

Walk on the beach at sunset holding hands.

Walk by any body of water holding hands.

Go on a weekend getaway at a bed and breakfast.

Write each other love cards and notes.

Look through your wedding album together.

Watch a romantic movie at home.

Farm the kids out at a sleepover, and spend two hours making love.

Slow dance at home.

Have a candlelight dinner at home.

Use candles during your couple talk times.

I think you get the idea. Be playful, because that begins the process of romance. But also be intentionally romantic. Engage in specific behaviors that will lead to the romantic mood and feeling you want to enjoy.

Any discussion of romance is incomplete without the subject of kissing. Kissing is incredibly romantic. That is, as long as you are kissing the correct way. In chapter nine, I’ve covered the four main kissing mistakes made by too many married couples. Now, it’s time to cover the right way to kiss.

It should come as no surprise that Solomon and Shulamith are excellent kissers. World-class. The second verse in the Song is a kissing verse!

Shulamith (1:2)
“May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!”

Shulamith wants to be kissed! She’s a pretty assertive chick. Do you think for a moment that she is asking for a Pathetic Little Peck, a Poofy Lip, a Sound Effect, or a Cheek kiss? Of course not! She wants a passionate kiss from her man, Solomon. She wants him to kiss her as though he means it.

Solomon doesn’t need much encouragement to kiss Shulamith. He wants to kiss her!

Solomon (4:3)
“Your lips are like a scarlet thread,
And your mouth is lovely.”

He’s crazy about her lips and her mouth. He can’t wait to kiss her. And that’s exactly what he does, recorded just a few verses later:

Solomon (4:10)
“How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much better is your love than wine . . .”

The two lovers begin to kiss, and Solomon raves that Shulamith tastes better than wine. To be able to make this comparison, he had to lay an industrial strength kiss or two on her ruby red lips.

All the kisses described in the Song are good, solid, put-your-heart-and-soul-into-it efforts. When Solomon and Shulamith kiss, they really kiss. They are expressing their love for each other. Each kiss communicates, “I’m crazy about you, sweetheart.”

Read this next verse and see if you can identify the type of kiss it describes:

Solomon (4:11)
“Your lips, my bride, drip honey;
Honey and milk are under your tongue . . .”

French kissing! Right here in the Bible! Most commentators skip this verse or write that the milk and honey refer to the produce of the land. Oh, please! That’s absurd! These commentators have forgotten how to kiss. The only way Solomon knows what her tongue tastes like is because he has used his tongue to find out. These lines portray kissing that becomes more and more intimate as it moves from lips to the tongue.

Shulamith (5:13b)
“His lips are lilies dripping with liquid myrrh.”

Are your kisses “dripping with liquid myrrh”? If not, you’d better get to work. Shulamith loves the taste and power of his wet kisses. Solomon’s bride is also saying in this sensual picture that his breath is sweet.

Solomon (7:8b–9a)
“And the fragrance of your breath like apples, And your mouth like the best wine!”

Solomon finds Shulamith’s kisses absolutely delicious and very stimulating. Her breath is like apples, and her mouth tastes like the finest wine.

Shulamith (7:9b)
“It goes down smoothly for my beloved,
Flowing gently through the lips of those who fall asleep.”

Shulamith describes their kisses as wine flowing smoothly through their lips. These are gentle but obviously passionate kisses. As their last kisses end, they fall asleep in each other’s arms.

When you kiss, take your lover in your arms. A full-body, all-the-right-parts-touching, sensual hug is part of a great kiss. Put your arms around your lover, and then touch his/her beautiful face as you move in with your red-hot lips. Give your sweetheart a real kiss. A full-bore, involved, heartfelt smacker. A gum-scorching lip-lock. A kiss with a punch in it.

So many spouses pull back so fast from a kiss that they run the risk of whiplash. The idea is, you don’t want to leave the luscious lips of your precious partner. Make your kiss last at least twenty seconds. Now that kind of kiss makes a statement! Instead of “How are you,” you’re saying, “I’m crazy about you!”

Is one kiss, even if it’s a whopper, going to be enough? Of course not! How can you possibly stand to kiss your lover only one time? It’s impossible! Or, it ought to be! Give multiple kisses. Two or three lingering smooches are a must.

You protest, “But Dave, how can I kiss like this when I’m rushing out the door to work?” First, it’ll take you only about one minute. Second, why not leave feeling sexually excited? Is that a crime? I say it’s a crime
not
to feel that way when you leave your lover. That jolt of sensual pleasure and attraction is a great way to start the day.