Kiss Me Like You Mean It (14 page)

Discuss on Friday

On Friday, meet again to share the results of the meditation and reflection. At this second meeting, you’ll both have more to say.

Read what you’ve written on the back of your three-byfive cards. You may share what the passage means for your individual life, marriage, family, career, or your service in your local church. Maybe God is confronting you through the passage. Maybe God wants you to apply the passage in a certain way in the following week.

Can you see how this plan has the power to create some stimulating spiritual conversations? God will speak to you through the passages you select, and by sharing this intimate spiritual information with your spouse, you will be drawn closer together.

You don’t have to do this every week. No couple is that spiritually minded. Besides, who has the time for that? I recommend this Monday–Friday plan once every two months. Go ahead, try this “read on Monday, discuss on Friday” plan. You’ll like it. I know God will like it, and he’ll bless you for your reading and discussing and obeying his precious Word. If you want to get a complete picture of spiritual intimacy in marriage, read my book,
A Marriage After God’s Own Heart
.

When you bond spiritually as a couple, two wonderful things happen. One, you get the best and the deepest passion possible between a husband and a wife. Strictly by itself, coming together as a couple spiritually produces a passion and an energy unmatched in any other area of heterosexual intimacy.

Two, your growing spiritual intimacy energizes your emotional and physical passion. As you connect to God as a couple, he gives you a healthy, vibrant passion in all three areas of intimacy: spiritual, emotional, and physical. With God as its source, your passion for each other will never be exhausted. Never.

13

Unforgiven

Conflict is an inevitable part of every marriage. I mean, what do you expect when you put a man and a woman together in the same living space? Constant harmony and peace? I don’t think so. Couples who learn how to handle conflict successfully give themselves a wonderful opportunity to enjoy passionate, intimate marriages. Couples who do not learn how to handle conflict successfully give themselves a wonderful opportunity—in fact, a guaranteed opportunity—to never enjoy passion and intimacy in their marriages.

Because conflict is such an important area, I’m devoting three chapters to it. In this chapter, I give you an unpleasant glimpse at the damage unresolved conflict—and the resentments it causes—can wreak on a marriage. In the following chapter, I illustrate the classic mistakes most couples make when facing conflict. Finally, using principles from the Song, I teach you how to resolve in a healthy way the conflicts that inevitably arise in marriages.

If Resentment Stays, Love Goes

The wife and her husband settled in on my couch. It was my first therapy session with them. They were in their mid-to late-thirties, had been married almost fifteen years, and had two children. Both said they knew Jesus Christ personally and were actively involved in a local church. When I asked them why they’d come to see me, it became clear very quickly that they had no idea how to effectively handle conflict. And because of that, there were many resentments simmering just beneath the surface of their marriage.

The husband told me I’d have to find out from his wife why they were there, because he didn’t have a clue. I thought to myself, “You’re right, buddy. You don’t have a clue.” I knew exactly what he was going to say next. I could have mouthed the words right along with him. He gave me the same little speech that hundreds of clueless husbands have delivered in my office. Here it is, with the addition of my editorial comments—things I thought but did not say.

He Just Doesn’t Get It

Husband: “I’m happy in our marriage.”

Me: (“Well, that’s great for you. Isn’t there someone else in this marriage?”)

Husband: “We’re doing fine.”

Me: (“If you say so, it must be true.”)

Husband: “We have a good life. We make a good income, we have a nice home, good investments, two vacations a year, great friends, two super kids, a terrific church, and our health.”

Me: (“Ah, the American Dream! Guess what? A good life doesn’t equal a good marriage. Funny thing—you didn’t mention mutual respect or love or passion or intimacy.”)

Husband: “I’m a good husband. I don’t drink, go to bars, do drugs, beat her, or have affairs. I work hard, provide for my family, attend church, and take care of the yard and the cars.”

Me: (“No one is questioning your character. You’re a good guy, not a monster. I’ll grant you that. But being a good husband requires communication skills, romance, and spiritual attentiveness. God doesn’t say, ‘Don’t be a monster.’ God says, ‘Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church’ [Eph. 5:25].”)

Husband: “I’m not the most romantic guy in the world.”

Me: (“Translation: ‘I’m just about the least romantic guy in the world.’ ”)

Husband: “We have a good sex life.”

Me: (“Translation: ‘I get sex whenever I want it.’ Sex might be good for you, but I doubt if it is good for your wife.”)

Husband: “My wife is a good woman. She takes care of all my needs. She cleans the house, does the laundry, cooks the meals, and takes care of the kids.”

Me: (“It sounds as though you’re describing Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart. Or your
mother
. And, it’s still about
you
. How about your wife and her needs? What do you do for her?”)

Husband: “We’re older now, and so our love isn’t the passionate, intense kind we had back when we first got together. It’s a solid, committed, and comfortable love.”

Me: (“What are you, ninety years old? It sounds as though you’re talking about an old shoe. Committed is good, but committed plus romance and excitement and emotional closeness is much better. That’s what God desires for you.”)

Husband: “I love my wife.”

Me: (“No, you don’t love her. Not by God’s definition. And not by her definition. Love is something you
do
.”)

Husband: “We don’t have any marriage problems. We don’t need a psychologist.”

I did speak after this last comment. I almost said, “Sir, if you have no marriage problems, why are you in my office?” Fortunately, with great effort, I bit my tongue. What I did say was, “Thanks for sharing. That’s
your
view, and I understand how you see things. Now, let’s hear from your wife, the other, and equal part of your marriage.”

She Didn’t Help Him to Get It

The wife looked uncomfortable as she prepared to talk about her marriage. She fidgeted, smoothed out her dress a few times, and shot nervous glances at her husband and me. I knew—I just knew—she was going to deliver the standard, “I’ll nibble around the edges of my unhappiness and ask for changes without making him angry or hurt, ‘sweet little wife,’ state of the marriage” address. And, that’s exactly what she did. Below are her words, with my unspoken thoughts:

Wife: “Honey, first of all, I want you to know you are a really good husband.”

Me: (“No, he’s not! The man’s not meeting your very deep, God-ordained needs. Please. I’m begging you. Don’t list all his good points as a husband—not now.”)

Wife: “It would be hard to list all your good points as a husband, but let me try. You work hard, you provide the money we need to live, you’re a great dad, you help around the house, you don’t drink or engage in other behavior that would harm the kids and me, you take care of the cars, you keep the yard looking beautiful . . .”

Me: (“I think I’m going to throw up. You’re dying inside because you have no emotional connection to this man you really love. Yet, you are telling him—and me—that at least when you look out the window, the yard is gorgeous! I bet you wouldn’t mind having the most scraggly, weed-infested yard in the neighborhood if you could have just two or three deep, personal conversations a week with your husband. Please. Tell him that!”)

Wife: “I love you, honey. And I know you love me. We have a good life together.”

Me: (“Stop calling him honey! Call him by his name! Don’t say you love him and that he loves you. That’s not what he needs to hear. You’re being too nice! You’re ignoring your pain and acting as though it does not exist.”)

Wife : “But, there are a few things in our marriage I want to see improve. Over the past few years especially, I just haven’t felt like we . . .”

Me: (“Too late. Don’t bother. You took too long getting to the ‘but’ part. Your husband’s not going to listen to your real concerns and pain. Why should he? You just spent five minutes complimenting him and confirming what he already believes: he’s a good husband, you have a good life together, and what in the world are we doing in this shrink’s office? If you were a boss and you were telling an employee how he should improve his job performance, maybe you would begin by telling him about his good points. But this is a very different situation. Your very happiness and fulfillment in this marriage and the marriage itself are at stake.”)

Just as she tentatively tiptoed into telling her husband about the weak areas of their marriage, he glanced at me with a little smirk on his face. His look said it all: “See Doc, what did I tell you? You heard her. We’re okay. She may have a few minor beefs, but our marriage is strong. It’s fine. I’m a good husband in the most important areas.” With her husband only half-listening, she shared what she thought was wrong with their marriage.

“Our main problem is communication. We talk not about important areas but only unimportant things—superficial, mundane, mechanical things: home improvements, our jobs, the kids’ activities and schedules, and what our parents are doing. We don’t sit down together, look at each other, and really talk. He doesn’t open up and share on a personal level with me. I want to know who he is and what he’s thinking and feeling. I want to share his inner life, his heart, not just the outside him. I love him. I’m glad I married him. He’s good to me. But I don’t know him. I want intimate, deep conversations that will lead to real closeness. We get along, but I want more than that. I don’t know . . . maybe I’m asking for too much. None of my girlfriends have this kind of emotional connection with their husbands, either. I’d also like us to learn how to work through conflicts. Honey, please don’t clam up and walk away when we have something difficult or painful to discuss. When you do that, it leaves me hanging. I want to talk out my feelings with you and reach some kind of a resolution that will help our love keep growing. When you refuse to face the conflict, all my emotions stay bottled up inside, and it hurts me. Plus, that way we can’t work out any solution or compromise. Life just goes on. I think you forget about the issue. But I don’t.”

At this point in the session, I sensed that this lady had a big pool of smoldering resentments. I could feel the anger percolating in her. I tried to tap it by asking, “It makes you really angry when he won’t deal with a conflict, doesn’t it?” She responded, a little too quickly, “Oh, no. Not angry. Just hurt and a little disappointed.”

I thought to myself again, “Baloney. You’re angry, all right. It’s buried deep, but it’s there.” I tried again, this time out loud: “I think all the missed opportunities for conversation, the lack of emotional intimacy, and his refusal to allow you to express yourself in conflicts have created resentments inside you. I don’t think you want these resentments, but I think you have them.”

She looked shocked and stammered back, “No! No, no, no. I don’t resent my husband. I do get hurt and frustrated and feel he is abandoning me when we don’t talk personally or deal with a conflict. But these feelings go away. I think you’re misunderstanding me. Our marriage is good. I just want it to be better.”

I could have said, “Stop saying your marriage is good. Every time you say that, you reinforce your husband’s belief that you don’t need therapy, that you are happy with him, and that your marriage doesn’t require any changes, or any changes of any real significance, anyway. The case you just gave for improving your marriage is weak and didn’t even get close to getting your husband’s attention.

“Your comments were way too general and way too nice and sweet. There was no punch. No urgency. No emotion. I got the impression you were talking about someone else’s marriage that could stand a little improvement. This is
your
marriage, and you’re not paying me all this money an hour to tell me you’re doing well and just want a few changes. You’re smiling on the outside and dying on the inside.

“When your husband won’t meet your important, Godgiven needs, it hurts and angers you.
Every single time
he fails to meet your needs. And when you aren’t even allowed to vent those feelings, they turn into resentment, even depression. You’re still able to stuff these resentments down deep. You’re not even aware you have them, but often you have an empty feeling, a feeling of missed joy. But these feelings are there, and if I can’t get you to tap into them and express them directly to your husband, they will eventually destroy your respect and love for him. It’s already happening, and you don’t even realize it.”