Kiss Me Like You Mean It (16 page)

For two solid months, everything was perfect. I fantasized about pushing my exercise bicycle over a cliff, watching it shatter on the rocks below. I was never going to ride that torture machine again! I wasn’t even going to donate it. Why inflict that kind of suffering on someone else?

But, then one day, it all changed. My beautiful, idyllic walking program was ruined by . . .
the little dog
. On that fateful morning, I was halfway through my walk. I was just passing a small, well-kept green and white house. Suddenly, a little dog burst from around the side of the house, running at me full speed and barking its head off.

I was shocked. Stunned. And—I’m not ashamed to confess— scared. Okay, I am ashamed to confess it. Instinctively, I sprinted down the street. I was sure the little dog was going to bite me. It didn’t seem to be frothing at the mouth, but it may have had rabies.

After breaking the world record for one hundred meters, I looked back. The little dog had stopped in the middle of the street about fifty feet from its house. It was still barking and holding its head up in an arrogant pose. I could have sworn it had an evil little smile on its face. With one final bark, it trotted triumphantly back to its hiding place.

As I continued my walk, I experienced a series of intense emotions. First, relief. I was safe. Second, embarrassment. A tiny, scrawny, no-bigger-than-a-shoe-box dog had chased me—a grown man—down the street. If it had been a Doberman pinscher or a pit bull, my manhood wouldn’t have taken such a blow. But this was a froufrou dog! You know, the kind of little dog that rich women carry around. The kind that wears ribbons and little plaid sweaters!

Third, anger. More like red-hot rage. How dare this little yipper dog destroy my wonderful walking routine and humiliate me in my own neighborhood! The nerve! The gall! I was furious at the little dog. I was also furious at myself for running away like a girl.

I considered my options. I could call Animal Control and have them waiting as I walked by the beast’s house. There is a leash law in this county, after all. The Animal Control officers would scoop up the little dog and put him in the back of their truck. I’d look through the bars and say, “Well, I win, and you lose. Have a nice stay in the Big House. I hope you get along with some of the big dogs there. Did you actually think you could beat me?”

I could change my walking route. If I didn’t pass its house, it couldn’t chase me. There were no other dogs running around loose. Yes, I’d just choose a different route, and no one would ever know.

After some thought, I rejected these possibilities as being too cowardly. No, I’d have to think of something else. I couldn’t allow a little dog to defeat me. After all, I was a human with a bigger brain!

My initial solution to this “conflict” was good old denial. I figured this unfortunate incident was just a crazy, unexplainable, onetime event. I chose to believe there wasn’t a problem. I acted as though nothing had happened. I continued to walk my regular route.

This seemed to work. One more week went by, and the little dog was nowhere in sight. My confidence grew each time I passed its house. Maybe the miserable nuisance died of meanness. I looked for a simple, wooden cross but didn’t spot it. But, suddenly, on the eighth day, the dog came tearing around the corner and chased me down the street again! This little dog was diabolically clever. It let me walk unmolested for a week so I would think the threat was over.

My next step was avoidance. I decided not to deal with the situation. I steered clear of the dog by not walking at all. I actually went back to the dreaded exercise bicycle.

After a week, I got my nerve up and went back to my walking route. “This is my neighborhood,” I fumed, “and no four-legged canine is going to run me out of it.” The very first day back on my route, the little dog rushed me. And I ran again.

That was the turning point in this man versus dog battle. I’d finally had enough. I’d stuffed my anger long enough, and the resentment against the little dog was boiling over. This neighborhood wasn’t big enough for both of us.

I set out the next morning with a grim smile on my face. This was the day I would reclaim my lost manhood. It was mano-a-doggie time, and I intended to come out on top. I walked assertively right by the little dog’s driveway. In fact, I actually stepped on the driveway, daring the menace to do something about it.

It waited until I was barely past the property line before making its mad, barking dash at me. I coolly turned and sprinted directly at the little dog, waving my hands and yelling at the top of my voice. The little dog was gutsy, I’ll give it that. It kept coming at me until I was about ten feet away. Then, it realized I wasn’t stopping. It lurched to a halt, yelped pitifully, and scurried back behind its house. I laughed out loud and long, as my nemesis ran with its tail between its little, spindly legs. Victory was sweet! I was on top of the world! The little dog has never again showed its face on my walks.

I’ve told this story for three reasons. One, I like telling it. Two, to prove that no little froufrou dog can get the best of me. Three, to serve as an illustration of many of the classic mistakes spouses make when faced with conflict.

Marital conflict isn’t pretty. The main reason it’s not pretty is that each spouse has an incorrect, dysfunctional way of dealing with conflict. No one has a naturally healthy, effective way of dealing with conflict. In my little dog story, I covered a number of these dysfunctional styles of conflict resolution. See if you recognize yours.

The Great Denier

This is the spouse (usually the husband) who, after a fight, acts as though nothing has happened. You sleep like a baby and carry on the next morning as if no conflict had ever taken place. “Fight? What fight?” It’s a masterful acting job. You have a roomful of Academy Awards for your performances. But you have no awards for your ability to work through conflicts.

The Master of Avoidance

In this style, you simply choose not to talk about the conflict. You don’t pretend it didn’t happen; you just refuse to dialogue about it. The beauty of this strategy is that your spouse cannot make you talk. You control with your silence.

The Winner

When a conflict erupts, you immediately see it as a competition to be won. And you intend to be the winner. The man thinks he’s right because of his
logic.
He has reasoned it out and can prove his case with cold, hard facts. The woman thinks she’s right because of her emotion. She
feels
very strongly about her position, so she must be right.

I say: “Baloney to both of you!” In the vast majority of marital conflicts, there are
two
opinions. Two ways of looking at the situation. Two truths. It’s not a matter of who’s right and who’s wrong. You both are right! It’s a matter of understanding each other’s point of view.

The Escape Artist

You can’t stand conflict. You loathe it. You’re scared of it. You’ll do anything to get away from it. So, you run at the first sign of conflict with your spouse. You have a sudden urge to go to the bathroom, and you leave the room. You leave the house. You jump into your car and drive away. You hang up the phone. The problem with this is, when you return, your spouse and the conflict are still there.

The Screaming Meemie

Just like the little dog in my story, you are way too aggressive in a conflict. You raise your voice. You get too angry. You talk over your partner. You say mean, hurtful things. You’re not aware of how intense you become in a conflict. You make it impossible for your spouse to engage you in a reasonable, respectful dialogue about the issue.

The Stuffer

You are very uncomfortable with your anger, so you stuff it down when a conflict occurs. Even though you have anger and other real feelings, time after time you stuff them deep inside. You usually let your spouse get his or her way. You say, “Oh, no, I’m not angry.” “I don’t mind if you do it that way.” “I don’t have an opinion one way or the other.”

If you’re a Stuffer, all the percolating resentments inside you will come out in one of three ways. One, you’ll become depressed. Two, you’ll lose your love for your spouse. Three, you’ll periodically explode in anger at your spouse. This can happen when there seems no reason for it, which confuses your spouse, because you did not show this anger when it was appropriate. You’ve got to find a way to release your anger in a healthy way.

My little dog story does not contain an exhaustive list of ineffective conflict resolution styles. I don’t want to leave anyone out, so here are some more to choose from.

The Pushy Spouse

You want to talk the conflict out and resolve it as soon as humanly possible. The conflict must be resolved, and it must be resolved
now
. Once a conflict occurs, you will talk about nothing else until it’s resolved to your satisfaction. You will follow your spouse around the house and continue to talk about the conflict. You don’t care whether your spouse wants to talk about the issue or not. You are a royal pain! You are a nag! Without realizing it, you are the one who prolongs the conflict.

The Talking Spouse

I don’t know how to say this politely, so I’ll just say it. You talk too much in a conflict. You bury your spouse in an avalanche of words. You use too much detail. You overanalyze the situation. You don’t give your spouse an opportunity to process what you’ve said and to respond. It’s okay to be an expressive person, but you must learn to condense your material.

You are very sensitive and touchy in a conflict. When your spouse speaks about something you’ve said or done, you instantly feel defensive and fire back a verbal missile. “That’s not true!” “I never meant to make you feel that way!” “I’m the one who should be angry here!” “Oh, yeah? Well how about the time you ________?”

The Martyr Spouse

When your spouse brings up a conflict issue, you immediately— and usually sarcastically—take the blame. “I just can’t do anything right, can I?” “I can’t please you.” “You’re right again, and I’m wrong.” This is a strategy to distract your spouse from the real issue and to avoid taking any responsibility for what happened.

The Sorry Spouse

You think the words “I’m sorry” will magically make the conflict disappear. You don’t want to go through the painful process of talking through the conflict. So you offer a quick “I’m sorry” and hope it will all go away. When that doesn’t work, you whine, “But I said I was sorry! What more do you want?” What your spouse wants—and needs—is to actually talk about the conflict and reach understanding and closure.

The Moving-on Spouse

You don’t like to face conflict, so you use the excuse that “it’s all in the past.” You say to your spouse, “Honey, why are you bringing up the past? That’s ancient history. It happened, and there’s nothing we can do about it now. We just have to move on. Stop living in the past.” The truth is, it’s not in the past until you talk it out together. Saying “It’s in the past” will not remove the feelings and hurts that are connected to the conflict.

All these dysfunctional styles of dealing with conflict prevent you from resolving conflict in a healthy way. All—and I do mean all—your conflicts remain and fester inside each of you. These pools of resentment push you apart and energize all your ongoing conflicts.

When you have a conflict today, it is not just about that conflict. It’s about all your unresolved conflicts from the past too. Your unresolved conflicts transfer or carry over to every new conflict. The feelings aroused in a conflict are compounded by those of past conflicts that were never really resolved. This makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to work through any conflict.

Your unresolved conflicts do great damage to your marriage. They prevent you from continuing to engage in positive behavior. They lead to largely separate lives. They kill your love for each other.

All right, enough bad news. The good news is, the two of you can learn how to successfully resolve your conflicts. You can resolve your current, ongoing conflicts and clean out your pools of past, unresolved conflicts.

Let’s consult our Marriage Enrichment experts, Solomon and Shulamith. They knew how to deal effectively with conflict, and they can show you how.

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