Kiss Me Like You Mean It (20 page)

Practice, practice, practice. You’ll get better and better at emotionally and spiritually connecting with your wife. Your reward will be a much more intimate marriage and a much more exciting sex life.

I guess you’ve noticed, husband, that I addressed you first in this meeting-the-critical-need-of-your-spouse process. That was no accident. It has been my personal and professional experience that it is vital for the husband to go first and meet his wife’s need for emotional intimacy. With her need met, the wife feels safe and confident in her husband’s love and can then meet his need.

18

How to Have a Sensitive Husband

What is the one critically important need in a husband’s life that a wife must meet? I’ll bet you wives are wracking your brains right now. “Wow! There are so many possibilities! What could my husband’s main need be?”

Coffee in the morning?

Clean underwear and socks?

Complete command of the television remote control?

A well-stocked refrigerator?

A steak dinner once a week?

Never being asked to go to the ballet or the opera?

While all these needs are important, none reach the level of critical. It’s a real puzzler, isn’t it? Let me end the suspense. I realize you’re dying to know what your husband really needs from you. Get ready for the shock of your life.

Wife, Meet His Need for Physical Intimacy

Wife, it’s your job to meet your husband’s need for physical intimacy. I doubt that you’re stunned to hear this. You knew this was coming, didn’t you?

Being physically close to you, through making out and especially sexual closeness and intercourse, is one of your husband’s deepest needs. When his need for physical intimacy is met, he feels close to you. He feels in love with you. He feels confident. He feels like a man.

His need for regular, passionate touch and intercourse is hard-wired into him. Wife, you have no idea the huge influence your husband’s sex drive has on his life. His desire to have sex with you is beyond strong. If scientists were to do tests comparing the power of nuclear chain reactions and testosterone, the nuclear chain reactions would come in second. Engaging in regular sexual relations with you is directly connected to his mental health. His emotional well-being depends on the quantity and quality of his sex with you.

Closely allied to his need for physical intimacy is his need for respect from you. There is no way he’ll feel respected if you don’t meet his need for physical intimacy.
It’s every man’s
main love language.

Solomon clearly expresses his deep need for physical intimacy with Shulamith. Ten times in the Song, he calls her
beautiful
. He is very attracted to her and has a powerful desire to be with her physically.

Solomon spends a considerable amount of time giving Shulamith vivid, detailed descriptions of her lovely body (4:1–7, 15; 7:1–8). He revels in her beauty and loves to touch and caress all the parts of her marvelous body. He needs her body and isn’t ashamed to let her know. He needs to be sexually intimate with her. He needs to be physically one with her.

The problem is, wife, that you can be a master at avoiding physical intimacy. Here’s a list of your lame excuses to sidestep sex with my comments added. This is not to deny that sometimes there are legitimate reasons for you to turn down sex. Husbands, though it may be tough, should accept these reasons with understanding.

Wife : “I don’t have time, honey.”

Dave Clarke: “You always have time for what’s important. Sex isn’t going to take three hours!”

Wife : “I’ve got to finish my chores, honey.”

Dave Clarke: “You’ve just told your husband that the laundry, cleaning the toilets, and doing the dishes are more important than he is. That’s not showing him respect. That’s an insult. Do the chores, with his help, after sex.”

Wife : “I’m too tired, honey.”

Dave Clarke: “I’ll buy that if you’re ninety years old. Or, if you’ve just completed a triathlon.”

Wife: “I’ve got to meet the kids’ needs, honey.”

Dave Clarke: “Oh, no you don’t! Not before meeting his needs. You’ve forgotten that your husband is above the kids on your priority list. If anyone waits, it ought to be the kids.”

Wife: “I have a headache, honey.”

Dave Clarke: “Ahhh, one of the all-time classic lines! Baby, your headache better be a real doozy. He needs to see you taking big horse pills for it. Unless it’s a migraine, the pills will take it away in about twenty minutes. Then— guess what?—you can have sex with no ill effects.”

Wife : “It’s too close to my period, honey.”

Dave Clarke: “But it isn’t your period yet, right? PMS is real, but it shouldn’t always prevent physical intimacy. Maybe you can’t have intercourse, but you can still be intimate.”

Wife : “We just had sex a few days ago, honey!”

Dave Clarke: “Number one: you’re probably wrong. Women remember everything except the last time they had sex. I’ll bet it was more like seven days ago. Number two: so what if it was a few days ago? For a man, a few days is an eternity.”

Do these excuses sound familiar, men? Getting old, aren’t they?

Wife, you’re also too passive, sexually. You almost always make him do the asking. This automatically puts you in a defensive position. Agreeing to sex is a lot different from desiring sex. Your husband desperately needs you to
want
him sexually.

Too many wives see sex as just another chore. “Feed the dog, wipe the kitchen counter, have sex with Bob.” Or, they see it as a “wifely duty.” If this is your attitude, don’t bother having sex at all. You’re stripping away his manhood and humiliating him.

Wife, that guy sitting on your couch in the raggedy gym shorts and chili-stained T-shirt is your man. He’s the only man you have! He needs—in addition to his obvious need for some new casual clothes—your physical touch.

Follow Shulamith’s Example

Wife, the answer is to stop avoiding him and start pursuing him sexually. If he’s working to meet your need for emotional intimacy, then stop resisting him sexually or showing him little or no interest in sex. Stop being only a responder. Pursue him! Go after him sexually!

This isn’t my idea, even though I like it. It’s God’s idea. Your biblical example is Shulamith, Solomon’s wife. She knows exactly what she is doing in the physical area of her marriage. She makes Solomon feel respected. One of the main ways she does it is by pursuing him physically.

Shulamith talks to Solomon about being physically intimate with him (1:2–4, 16; 2:6, 17; 7:10–13; 8:1–3, 14). But she is not a tease. She actively participates in a full range of sexual activities with him. She kisses him (4:11; 5:13; 7:8–9). She makes out with him (2:6). She has intercourse with him (4:16–5:1; 7:1–9, 10–13).

At the very beginning of the Song, God chooses to showcase the sexual assertiveness of Shulamith. Read her words and picture
yourself
saying them:

Shulamith (1:2–4a)
“May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine.
Your oils have a pleasing fragrance,
Your name is like purified oil;
Therefore the maidens love you.
Draw me after you and let us run together!
The king has brought me into his chambers . . .”

She is coming on to Solomon! She wants to be kissed. She wants to make love to him. She praises his character and his superb lovemaking ability. She knows her sexual pursuit of him meets one of his most significant needs. She obviously enjoys chasing—and catching—Solomon.

Shulamith is not a reluctant sexual partner. She isn’t making him pursue her. She’s not avoiding him. She’s not playing hard to get. She is going after him physically. Her desire is real. She wants him!

Shulamith doesn’t stop at kissing Solomon and talking about making love with him. In chapters four and seven, she makes out as part of pre-intercourse foreplay. She also talks about making out without intercourse:

Shulamith (2:6)
“Let his left hand be under my head
And his right hand embrace me.”

Here, she wants Solomon to be intimate with her but not necessarily complete the entire sexual act. She knows there is a lot of fun and erotic touching they can do without having intercourse.

The one time in the Song that Shulamith denies Solomon sex (5:2–8), she immediately regrets it and goes searching for him! When was the last time that happened in your home?

In the Song, who does more of the initiating in physical intimacy? Shulamith! Surprised? Shulamith pursues Solomon physically
more
than
he
pursues
her
. What does Shulamith get in return for all her physical pursuit? She gets a man who is gentle, kind, attentive, and working at connecting with her emotionally. She gets every woman’s dream!

In 2:14, a verse we’ve looked at before, Solomon has made time to be alone with Shulamith. He is listening to her. He’s totally focused on her. He is one hundred percent sensitive. He wants to know her. All of her.

Wife, do you want your husband to treat you like this? I know you do. All right, then. I want you to pursue your husband physically in the following three ways.

Be Honest with Him

Tell him, gently but firmly, what you need to be more interested in sex. Teamwork with the kids and chores. Romance. More conversations. A deeper level of ongoing emotional intimacy. Spiritual bonding. Be clear that while you’ll do your best to pursue him, there are specific actions he can take which will help motivate you.

In a neutral and non-bedroom setting, tell him what turns you off sexually and what turns you on. Be specific. As Shulamith did, tell him exactly how you want him to touch you in the bedroom.

Tell him about the pain in your past that’s blocking you sexually. It could be family of origin pain. Father pain. Old boyfriend pain. Ex-spouse pain. Resentments against him. When you talk this pain out with him, you can heal together. If your husband is blocked sexually, if past unhappy experiences with sex are interfering with his pleasure, he has to tell you about his past pain also.

Sit down with your husband every weekend and schedule your times of intercourse. Life is very busy, and if you don’t schedule sex, it won’t happen as often as it should.

Many married couples crab to me: “Oh, but setting specific times will destroy our spontaneity.” My response is, “First, you’ve been trying to have spontaneous sex ever since your honeymoon. How is that going? Second, a lack of spontaneity is a lot better than a lack of sex. Third, you can generate all the spontaneity and creativity you want once you are in the bedroom.”

And if you have children, you can kiss your spontaneity goodbye. But parenthood does not mean you have to kiss your sex goodbye. What you have to do is kiss your children goodbye as you leave them to go have sex in your bedroom. Children are not mentioned in the Song! Why? Because the absence of children is required for the existence of romantic passion and sex. Keep your bedroom locked and make it known that you are not be to be bothered for the next fortyfive minutes.

By the way, don’t worry about your teenagers knocking on your love nest door. If your teens think you may be having sex in there, they’ll act as if you have Bubonic Plague. They’ll scurry away to the farthest corner of the house and crank up their music.

I know what you’re thinking, wife. “I can’t have sex if my kids are awake. It could scar them for life.” I say, “It’ll scar your husband and your marriage for life if you allow your children to dictate when you engage in intercourse. It’s not always about them! So, get over your resistance and reclaim your sexual freedom!”

If you have to say no to your husband’s request for intercourse, make it a qualified and temporary no. Immediately after saying no, schedule a time when you can have intercourse. Your husband needs some hope to know you’re not rejecting him.

Be Sexually Assertive

Kiss him spontaneously. Like you mean it. Lingering and multiple kisses. Touch him often in affectionate, sexual ways. Massage his neck. His back. His scalp. His feet. Make sure these are real, heartfelt massages. Don’t bother with any more of those pitiful, wimpy massages. Nothing says, “I could care less” better than a pathetic, halfhearted, five-minute massage. A ten-to fifteen-minute massage says, “I love you and respect you, stud!” He’ll be putty in your hands.

Make out touching is a lost art in marriage. Most couples make out only in order to prepare for intercourse. That’s not enough making out during the week! Initiate make out sessions. Heavy petting. You know what I mean—the kind of serious touching, caressing, and kissing that lovers around the world do on a regular basis. You
are
lovers, aren’t you? I’m not talking about intercourse. Make it clear up front to your husband that this will be non-intercourse touching. However, it can be everything
but
intercourse. This kind of make out touching keeps the two of you close, connected, stress-free, and prepares you for your scheduled times of intercourse.

Initiate intercourse. Ask him for it. Schedule it with him. Be responsive in bed. Let yourself go! Shulamith does, and she enjoys the sexual experience every bit as much as Solomon does.