Kiss Me Like You Mean It (19 page)

The message media is screaming is: Sex is the foundation of every relationship. Nothing else really matters. Sex is everything.

The Song’s truth: Sex is one of the many important parts of marriage

It’s true that the Song has a lot to say about sex. It is portrayed, as it should be, as a very important part of a marriage. But, as we’ve seen in the previous chapters, the Song also showcases many other important parts of marriage: priority, positives, playfulness, pursuit, presence of God, and problem resolution.

The point is that marriage is a multifaceted relationship. Sex, while certainly critical, is not the foundation of the bond between a husband and a wife.
God, and the connection a
couple shares in him
(5:1; 8:6–7), is the bedrock upon which all true marital love rests.

Media’s Myth: Great Sex with One Partner Never Lasts

No one can continue to enjoy great sex with one partner over the long term. Media communicates this myth over and over through all the failed relationships, adulteries, and sex with multiple partners it describes in all its various outlets.

Affairs happen because you lose your sexual desire and passion for your current partner. It’s really not your fault. It’s really not your partner’s fault. It’s also fun and exciting to “fool around” (the world’s term for extramarital sex, which itself degrades sex and its special nature). So why not? Media totally ignores and does not even hint at the consequences of this behavior. Whether you’re married or not, you will have multiple sexual partners over the course of your lifetime. You’ll have great—although temporary—sex with each of these partners.

The Song’s truth: Great sex with one spouse can last a lifetime

The Song is the true story of a love that lasts a lifetime. Solomon and Shulamith’s love does not end (8:6–7). Because the two lovers build their love God’s way, it remains strong, vibrant, and passionate. In every aspect. Including sex.

In the Song, there is no premarital sex. There is no adultery. There is no loss of physical chemistry and passion. There is a
spiritual foundation
, a variety of
emotional connections
, and a never-ending stream of sexual energy and joy.

Media’s Myth: Great Sex Never Requires Any Preparation

The only preparation needed for a great sexual experience is two naked bodies. A spiritual connection? Please! There is no God, and if by any slim chance there is, he isn’t interested in sex. An emotional connection? Talk is overrated and just wastes time. When you feel the urge, just do it. Just have sex.

Great sex just happens. And it usually happens quickly. How many times have you seen a couple on television or in a movie—a couple who may have just met twenty minutes earlier—suddenly throw themselves at each other in a frenzy of passion? They literally rip each other’s clothes off and go for it.

The Song’s truth: Great sex always requires preparation

Solomon and Shulamith would laugh their heads off at the twenty-first-century media’s presentation of sex without preparation. They know better. Following God’s design and guidance, Solomon and Shulamith carefully prepare for their sexual experiences.

Their sex is beyond great. It is better than any sex the media holds up as an example of how to connect physically. Solomon and Shulamith come together regularly in specific spiritual, emotional, and physical ways other than intercourse. As they meet each other’s deepest needs, great sex is their reward. The best part is that how they do it has been revealed by God. It’s all in the Song.

17

How to Have a Sensuous Wife

Solomon and Shulamith have an amazing sex life. It is passionate. It is incredibly intimate. It is fulfilling. It is loads of fun. It is intensely pleasurable. It is a beautiful,
physical
expression of their always growing
spiritual
and
emotional
love for each other.

Best of all, their fantastic sex is real. Solomon and Shulamith’s sexual relationship is worlds apart from the fantasy world of the media. They’re not actors. They’re not pretending. They’re not following a script. They are a real couple having a wonderful time having real sex.

The question is: what are Solomon and Shulamith’s secrets to their sensuous marriage? The answer is:
they prepare for
great sex by meeting each other’s deepest needs
.

It’s true that all the passion principles Solomon and Shulamith practice in their relationship play a part in preparing them for physical intimacy. But there are two particular needs that
specifically
prepare these lovers for the bedroom.

Solomon consistently meets one critically important need in Shulamith’s life. Shulamith consistently meets one critically important need in Solomon’s life. When they both do their jobs and meet these needs, they are ready to hit the bedroom with a beautiful bang. When you and your lover follow their example, your sex will take off too.

First, in this chapter I explain how Solomon meets Shulamith’s need. Then, in the following chapter I explain how Shulamith meets Solomon’s need.

Husband, Meet Her Need for Emotional Intimacy

Husband, it’s your job to meet your wife’s need for emotional intimacy. It’s one of her deepest needs. It’s why she married you! As a means to this, she longs to connect verbally with you. To be close to you. To know you. To share your life.

Let’s say we give your wife the choice between an intimate, deep conversation with you or sex with you. Which will she choose? We both know she’ll choose the deep conversation. And, if she gets the deep conversation, that’s preparation for sex. Keep that in mind.

Husband, your job is to love your dear wife. I’m sure you do love her,
but it doesn’t count unless she feels loved
. There is no way she’ll feel loved if you don’t meet her need for emotional intimacy. It’s how God made her.
It’s every woman’s
main love language.

Shulamith (2:3b)
“In his shade I took great delight and sat down,
And his fruit was sweet to my taste.”

Shulamith loves to be alone with Solomon and to hear him talk. “Fruit” here refers to his speech. What is her reaction when Solomon speaks to her?

Shulamith (2:5–6)
“Sustain me with raisin cakes,
Refresh me with apples,
Because I am lovesick.
Let his left hand be under my head
And his right hand embrace me.”

See what a little personal talking does to her? She’s overcome with the intensity of her feelings of love for Solomon. She is drawn to him physically. She wants him to kiss her and caress her body.

The same progression of male speech and female physical desire is recorded a few chapters later.

Shulamith (5:16)
“His mouth is full of sweetness.
And he is wholly desirable.”

It’s like a magic potion! When she hears him talk to her, her physical desire for him is ignited. She doesn’t find him sort of desirable. She finds him “wholly” desirable. She wants him in bed.

Solomon is no fool. He knows that there are two elements in meeting Shulamith’s need for emotional intimacy. The first is sharing personally with her. The second is
listening
attentively
to her when she speaks.

Solomon (2:14)
“Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet.”

Is this guy a relationship genius or what? He asks her to talk. He loves to hear her talk. He hangs on her every word.

The problem is, husband, you are a master at avoiding emotional intimacy. It’s what you do! You will automatically do whatever it takes to weasel out of a close, deep conversation with your wife. Won’t you?

One of your classic escape lines is, “I don’t know.” How many times has your poor wife heard that? I can guarantee you it’s getting old. These three little words are a thing of beauty. They work like a charm. They kill a conversation cold.

She asks, “How was your day?”

He says, “I don’t know.”

She asks, “How are you doing?”

He says, “I don’t know.”

She asks, “How do you feel about that?”

He says, “I don’t know.”

She asks, “What do you think about that decision we have to make?”

He says, “I don’t know.”

You’re telling your wife, “I wish I could talk, honey, but there’s nothing in my head. Nothing.” Is it a form of amnesia? Or brain damage? No. It’s just avoidance of emotional intimacy.

As part of one of my marriage seminars, I say to the wives: “Ladies, it’s high time you give him some of his own medicine. I’m going to ask some questions as if I’m your husband. After each question, I want you to say, out loud, “I don’t know.”

He asks, “What are we having for dinner?”

You say, “I don’t know.”

He asks, “Where are my socks?”

You say, “I don’t know.”

He asks, “When are you going to wash my underwear?”

You say, “I don’t know.”

He asks, “Would you like to have sex?”

You say, “I don’t know.”

Believe me, the wives enjoy this little exercise immensely. Of course, husband, you have many other avoidance tricks you can use:

“I don’t want to talk about it.” You simply unilaterally decide to take that topic from the agenda.

“This isn’t a good time to talk.” You indicate there’s going to be a good time real soon. Sure!

“I’m too busy.” Busy, busy, busy. You communicate that if you weren’t so busy, you’d love to talk about that topic that you really don’t want to talk about.

“Fine,” “Okay,” and “Pretty good.” These massive generalizations in answer to questions she asks you, tell her . . . nothing, which is your point in saying them.

“Doc, Why Isn’t She into Sex?”

Hundreds of husbands have complained to me that their wives aren’t interested in sex. They tell me: “Doc, my wife doesn’t want to be with me sexually. She’ll say no when I ask, or come up with some lame excuse. She’s avoiding me! When she does agree to sex, I can tell it’s just another chore for her. What can I do to get her more interested?”

I give all these husbands the same response: “I’ve talked to your wife. A major problem is that you’re not meeting her need for emotional intimacy. You can’t just pursue her physically and expect her to respond. When you consistently meet her need for emotional intimacy, four wonderful things happen: she’ll feel closer to you, she’ll be drawn to you physically, she’ll respond to you in bed, and she’ll even pursue you sexually.”

Follow Solomon’s Example

God has given us husbands an example to follow to achieve this goal we all desire to reach. Wouldn’t the wisest man who ever lived (1 Kings 3:12) know how to meet a woman’s central need? You better believe he would. Solomon makes his wife, Shulamith, feel loved, and he does it by meeting her need for emotional intimacy.

In the Song, who does more of the initiating in emotional intimacy? Solomon! He does this because it makes Shulamith feel loved and because he enjoys being close to her emotionally. A secondary benefit is that Shulamith is warm, soft, complimentary, and all over him physically. Every man’s dream!

Read chapter four in the Song, and you’ll see a master at work. In 4:1–10, Solomon describes the beauty of Shulamith’s body and character. He is talking personally. He is being vulnerable. He is expressing his deep love for his woman. He is meeting her need for emotional intimacy.

In 4:11, the real fun begins. Because Solomon touches Shulamith’s heart and creates an
emotional bond
, now the
physical bond
can occur. The two lovers kiss passionately, get involved in some serious foreplay, and have intercourse.

In 4:15, Shulamith is aroused. In 4:16, her sexual response reaches a peak. She is totally into the sexual experience. She is not counting cracks in the ceiling. She’s not thinking about the chores she still has to do when sex is over. She’s not doing mental gymnastics to endure intercourse.

No way! Shulamith is enjoying every second of this sexual encounter with Solomon. She is fully engaged. She is very, very responsive. Why is Shulamith so into sex? She loves sex and responds to Solomon passionately because
first
he talks to her. He listens to her. He connects to her
emotionally
.

You’re thinking, “Okay, Doc, you’ve convinced me. Emotional connection comes before physical connection. But, how do I connect emotionally with my wife? How do I consistently meet her need for emotional intimacy?”

The two essential keys to creating an ongoing emotional connection with your wife are: couple talk times and spiritual bonding. Read chapter four in this book again, this time with your wife. And, start having four thirty-minute couple talk times per week. Follow the progressive steps in your talk times: (1) start with a brief prayer, (2) read your couple’s devotional, (3) discuss what’s on your mind, (4) pray together, and (5) move from prayer to conversation.

Go back and reread chapter twelve again with your wife, and start a spiritual bonding process. Follow the four passion principles: (1) come to Christ, (2) share your personal spiritual growth, (3) pray together, and (4) read the Bible together.
God
will give you the ability to open up and share personally with your wife.