Kiss Me Like You Mean It (21 page)

19

Stop Making the Same Old Mistakes in the Bedroom

I can sense your excitement. Your keen anticipation. We’ve finally arrived in the bedroom. The men are thinking: “What took you so long?” All you men who have skipped ahead need to go back and read the previous eighteen chapters. The Song’s passion principles we’ve learned so far are designed to create intimacy, energize your passion, and get you ready for the bedroom.

I just told Sandy that I was about to start the two chapters on sex. She raised her eyebrow, cocked her beautiful, blonde head the way she does, and said, “Really? Two chapters? I’d be surprised if you can come up with two pages of material.”

The truth is, I don’t have to be an expert to provide you with world-class, state of the art instruction about sex. Don’t get me wrong. I do know something about sex. Sandy and I have been married for twenty-five years. In addition to a lot of years of training, I’ve also talked to hundreds of married couples in my office about their sexual problems.

So, these experiences will help me help you. But the main source of wisdom about sex in these chapters will be the Song. You’d kind of expect the greatest love poem of all time to contain some insightful guidance in the area of sex. You’d be right.

As I’ve done for every other passion principle, I will initially describe what married couples do wrong and then present the teaching of the Song. In this chapter, I’ll cover the top seven sexual mistakes made by most married couples. In the next chapter, I’ll teach the Song’s solutions to these mistakes.

Mistake #1: Lack of Atmosphere in the Bedroom

The woman’s physical arousal and enjoyment is directly connected to the atmosphere of the place she’s having sex. She will be aware—and affected by—every detail of her surroundings.

The wife has all kinds of questions running through her head as she enters the bedroom: “Is it quiet? Is it private? Is it secure? Is it clean? Is it tidy? Does it smell nice? Is it warm and romantic? Is the lighting right? Does the bed look good? Are the bed sheets clean?”

The husband has one thing in his head as he enters the bedroom: “We’re gonna have sex!” Simple, almost pathetic, but true.

See the potential for problems here? I think the following dialogue will shed more light on the matter.

Husband: “Doc, I need help. My wife doesn’t enjoy having sex with me. She’ll do it, but her heart is not in it. She seems tense and distracted when we’re in the bedroom anticipating sex.”

Dave Clarke: “Describe the bedroom.”

Husband: “Our bedroom? Who cares about our bedroom?”

Dave Clarke: “Your wife does. Humor me. Answer these questions. First, what type of door does your bedroom have?”

Husband: “It’s one of those plywood doors.”

Dave Clarke: “What kind of lock does the door have?”

Husband: “It’s got one of those push-button locks, but I’m not sure the thing even works.”

Dave Clarke: “What’s on the floor?”

Husband: “At the foot of the bed there is a pile of my semidirty clothes. I also keep my tennis shoes by the pile. (Defensively:) But you can’t see the clothes or the shoes from the bed.”

Dave Clarke: “Tell me about the closet.”

Husband (beginning to squirm): “Well, my side is a little messy. I just kind of toss my work shoes in front of it and my casual shirts are stacked in clumps on the shelves. Oh, my wife has asked me for the past two years to fix the closet doors, but I haven’t gotten around to it.”

Dave Clarke: “Until you get around to it, I wouldn’t expect your wife to get around to enjoying sex with you. Let’s continue. Describe the lighting in your bedroom, especially during sex.”

Husband (hanging his head): “Our overhead light has been broken for a year. We use the bathroom light, but it’s still really too dark when we’re trying to have sex.”

Dave Clarke: “ ‘Trying’ is the right word. Making love by the bathroom light sounds very romantic. Maybe you could each wear one of those miner’s hats with the light attached to the front. Now, tell me what your bed looks like.”

Husband: “The mattress is old and lumpy. Yes, she’s asked for a new one, but I hate to spend the money. The bedspread is ancient and has a bunch of holes and worn patches in it.”

Dave Clarke: “I can’t imagine why your wife doesn’t enjoy sex with you. The door is paper-thin and may not even lock. Your dirty clothes and tennis shoes are on the floor. Your side of the closet is a mess, and you won’t fix the closet doors so your mess could at least be hidden. Your bedroom has the lighting of a cave. Your wife can look up from this bed of burning passion during sex and see the broken light you haven’t fixed. Your mattress is a medieval torture rack. The bedspread was fine when Cleopatra used it, but now it is worn out and shabby.”

The poor husband wasn’t off the hook yet. After some more questioning, I found out he was not careful in preparing his body for sex. He didn’t always take a shower. He didn’t always use deodorant or cologne. He didn’t always shave! He didn’t always brush his teeth!

I told him he was lucky his wife had sex with him at all. I told him—and I was serious—to give his long-suffering wife a large trophy bearing this inscription: “Thank You for All the Times You’ve Had Sex with a Slob like Me.”

Mistake #2: Making Love Only in the Bedroom

I had just completed a Friday evening talk on romance and sex at a resort hotel. It was the first session of a Marriage Retreat hosted by a church. As I usually do, I told the couples that I expected them to go to their rooms to practice the sexual principles I had just covered. I told them not to feel sorry for me because Sandy wasn’t able to make the trip with me.

The next morning, between sessions, a couple came up to me and sheepishly admitted that they had not had sex the night before. I asked, “Why not?” The husband said, “We decided to watch a football game instead.” The wife also seemed to be okay with this choice of entertainment.

I asked them, “Are you crazy? You’re here at a beautiful hotel, on a Marriage Retreat, without your kids, you heard a juicy, very helpful, practical talk on sex, and you don’t have sex? What I’m going to do is call the front desk, report you, and have you immediately kicked out of the hotel. I’ll give your lovely room to a married couple who will make better use of it. You can sleep in the car tonight.”

Mistake #3: It’s Too Quiet

After decades of research, I have discovered the quietest place in the world. The answer may surprise you. Is it a library? A church? The middle of a massive pine forest? A monastery after evening prayers? A crystal blue lake in the Arctic Refuge? No. None of these places earned the top spot. The quietest place in the world is the bedroom of the average married couple during sex.

Actually, there is one place that is a close second. A cemetery. Like a cemetery, the marital bedroom during sex is extremely quiet and shows very few signs of life. Many married couples—too many—seem to think talking will disrupt the sexual experience. Wrong. Talking will greatly enhance the sexual experience.

When I see married couples who are struggling with sexual issues, I ask them to tell me what happens during foreplay. It’s a tad awkward for them, but hey, that’s therapy. Ninety-nine point nine percent report very little talking.

Dave Clarke: “Do you say any words at all?”

Husband: “Very few. I usually say, ‘I’m ready now’ just before intercourse.”

Dave Clarke: “Why don’t you ask her if
she’s
ready?’

Wife : “We just don’t do it that way.”

Dave Clarke: “How do you know she’s sufficiently aroused and close to orgasm if you don’t ask her or she doesn’t tell you? Without words, how can you fully express love? How can you tell your partner how and where you want to be touched? Without words, how can your sexual needs be met?”

Husband: “We don’t talk and make love at the same time. I don’t know why. We’ve always done it in silence. Other than grunts and groans.”

Dave Clarke: “We have some work to do, because you can’t truly experience the maximum pleasure of making love unless you talk during the experience.”

Mistake #4: The Husband Is Way Too Fast

Men have won international fame, respect, and big money by setting speed records in a wide range of sports and other activities: running, swimming, auto racing, eating, cycling, skiing, boating, mountain climbing, hot air ballooning, flying. . . . Most of the time, speed is a wonderful achievement. It is admired and highly valued. But there is one area in which speed is not a good idea. That place is the bedroom.

The other night, Sandy and I were watching television. A commercial came on in which a man was asking his wife for sex. He said, “We have thirty minutes before the kids will get home, if you know what I mean.” She replied, “Great, but what will we do with the other twenty-five minutes?”

I laughed out loud, but this situation really isn’t funny. I’ve talked to hundreds of wives who have shared with me their terrible frustration with their husbands’ speed. “It’s all about him and when he’s ready. That doesn’t take long. I have zero chance to get aroused, and the experience ends up being painful and anticlimactic.”

Mistake #5: The Wife Is Not Responsive

It seems to me that you wives get the short end of the stick in a number of areas. Childbirth, for starters. After nine months of carrying the child and undergoing huge changes in your body, the baby comes out one of two ways: the horribly painful birth canal/vaginal delivery, or your stomach being sliced open in a C-section.

You have to endure PMS every month, with its hormonefueled mood shifts, irritability, and often uncomfortable physical symptoms. Following PMS, of course, is the monthly burden of blood flowing from your most sensitive body part.

In addition, you typically have too many jobs and not enough hours in the day to complete them. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, kids’ homework, school issues, church responsibilities, caring for your parents. . . . If you have another job outside the home, you get to come home and begin your second job of meeting the never-ending needs of your husband and children. Your work is truly never done.

Wouldn’t it be fair, then, for wives to have an easier time experiencing sexual pleasure and achieving orgasm? Yes, it would be. But, it would not be reality in most cases. For a variety of reasons (some of which are in the previous para-graph) most wives struggle with letting go of their inhibitions and getting lost in the wonder of lovemaking.

Instead of letting yourself relax and giving yourself to your husband completely, you get tense. Preoccupied. Easily distracted. Your mind is on the jobs you haven’t finished yet. You’re tired. Weary. Your walls are up. Instead of experiencing the intense pleasure and stress releasing power of orgasm for
you
, you see sex as another service you perform for your husband.

You’re not having much fun in sex. Your husband knows you’re not having much fun, so he doesn’t have much fun, either. It’s time for the fun to begin.

Mistake #6: God Is Not Invited

When I think of all the married couples I’ve talked to about sex, only a handful have ever mentioned God as a part of their physical intimacy. Most couples don’t see God as having any connection to their sexual lives.

We know God created sex. It is all his idea, his gift. And we know he wants us to enjoy it. That is immediately discerned by the fact that he tells us through the apostle Paul that we should
not deprive one another of it
(1 Cor. 7:5). We have not been given this gift only for procreation, only for the times we want to conceive children. Yet, incredibly, we’re pretty sure he turns his back when we are doing it. We think it’s weird to think of God being right there with us. Very sad, and very seriously mistaken thinking, but true. (This might be a carryover from past experiences when you engaged in sex surreptitiously or felt guilt when you did. These past bad memories must be dealt with and defused.)

So, we think we are on our own in the bedroom (or wherever we’re having sex). God’s not too interested in what we do sexually, and we don’t want him there, anyway. All we can do is follow basic relationship principles and do our best. If we build a strong emotional bond, create a foundation of spiritual intimacy, and practice sexual techniques, we are fully convinced we’ll be fine in the sexual area.

We might be “fine,” but we won’t be fabulous. Though God made us distinctly physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, our sex experiences will be severely limited to
one
aspect of our beings: the physical. If we leave God out of the bedroom, we will never taste the full pleasure and meaning of sex.

Mistake #7: Nobody Hangs Around

I’m curious if you recognize this scene. A married couple is making love in their bedroom. They’ve been able to carve out forty minutes. Their kids are out of their hair. It’s private. And quiet. They’ve enjoyed about thirty minutes of foreplay and both are reaching a peak of arousal. It’s really going well! Intercourse takes place, and both are able to orgasm. Satisfaction. Pleasure. A great time together.

Immediately following their orgasms, they leave the bed. The husband bolts downstairs to turn on the ballgame and check his email. The wife takes a shower, checks the kids, and starts a load of laundry.