Kiss Me Like You Mean It (18 page)

In these follow-up talks, you both will use the Seven Steps of Conflict Resolution taught earlier in this chapter. Praying— as a couple—before each follow-up talk is a good idea. Ask your spouse to do his best to reflect (say back to you) what you are saying and your emotions. After you feel understood on a particular resentment, ask your spouse to gently and carefully present his feelings and point of view. He or she may disagree, but he or she must continue to believe your truth and validate your feelings about what happened.

These follow-up talks could begin immediately after the reading of the letter, but only if you both feel ready. Do not insist if you are hesitant or your spouse is hesitant. In most cases, I recommend letting the dust settle after the reading and scheduling the first follow up talk for the next day or so.

I urge you to go one at a time in this process of forgiveness of past hurts. In other words, the spouse who writes a letter first will be the focus until forgiveness has been achieved. This may take a few days to a few months, depending on how many hurts there are and how deep the hurts are. When one spouse feels finished and has forgiven, the other spouse can write his or her letter and begin the process of forgiveness.

This is a simple, brief description of what can be a very complicated, lengthy process. If either of you has or both of you have a pool of minor resentments, you’ll be able to follow these steps on your own and be successful. But, if the pool of resentments includes deep, traumatic hurts (adultery, sexual addition, pornography, alcoholism, drug addiction, verbal abuse, physical abuse, chronic lying, etc.), you will need a Christian therapist to guide you through the process. Ask your pastor for a referral or call Focus on the Family (1-800-A-FAMILY) and get a list of Christian therapists in your local area.

Conflict, while normal and inevitable, is a very, very difficult area of marriage. That’s why God includes Solomon and Shulamith’s story of conflict in the Song. Satan tries to use conflict to damage and destroy love but, as we have seen in the marriage of Solomon and Shulamith, God wants to use conflict to produce a renewed and passionate love.

16

Do You Want to Have Sex or Make Love?

Many of the couples I see in therapy wonder how to initiate successful sexual experiences. I’ll bet you wonder too. What behaviors will create a mood conducive to sex? How do we navigate around schedules, jobs, chores, and kids, to end up in the bedroom? What do we do and say to create sexual interest and get us ready to engage in great sex?

I have good news. You’ve come to the right place. I think you’ll find some effective, if somewhat shocking, answers to these important questions in the following scenarios.

The husband walks slowly up to the front door of his home. It’s been a long week. He’s been late coming home five days in a row. To make matters worse, he hasn’t called his dear wife on even one of these days to tell her he’d be late. They haven’t communicated much, and he’s been no help with the kids and the household chores. As he reaches for the doorknob, he assumes he’ll get a frosty reception. “And frankly,” he thinks to himself, “I wouldn’t blame her.”

He turns the doorknob and is surprised to find a sticky substance smeared all over it. He smells his hand and realizes it’s honey! Baffled, he pushes open the door and sees a large note taped to the carpet. It reads, “That’s right, it’s honey. Why? Because you’re my honey! Go to the kitchen.” On his way to the kitchen, he notices that the house is dark and empty. He thinks, “I hope they haven’t left me.” After wiping his hand on a paper towel, he reads the note on the counter: “No, we haven’t left you. Actually, the kids have left because I made them leave. They’re with friends all night long. I’m in the bedroom. I think you know the way.”

As he walks down the hallway, he reads a series of notes taped to the floor every three feet. “This Way, Hunk-a-Hunk of Burning Love.” “Pleasure Palace Just Ahead.” “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Clothes, No Problem.” Finally, taped to the bedroom door is this note: “Please Hurry! I Can’t Stand to Wait Any Longer!”

He opens the door and his heart skips a beat as he sees his wife, wearing a skimpy negligee, lounging on the bed. She purrs, “I know you’ve been working hard. Now, I want you to work on me. Take me, I’m yours.”

The Very Late in the Day Don Juan

It’s finally the end of the day, and the husband and wife are preparing to go to bed. It was a pretty good day. They both helped the kids with their homework, they ate dinner as a family, he took out the trash, she did a few loads of laundry, and they watched some television after the kids went to bed. She tried to start a few conversations, but he just mumbled some replies and didn’t seem interested. It was their typical evening. Nothing horrible. Nothing spectacular. Just okay.

They wash their faces, brush their teeth, and perform other before-bed tasks. She puts on her special face cream. They crawl into bed, give each other a peck kiss, and turn out the light. She falls asleep almost immediately. End of story, right? Wrong.

He fidgets for about ten minutes, then shakes her and asks, “Are you awake?” “I am now,” she answers. He says, “I can’t get to sleep.” She asks, “Is there anything I can do for you?” He replies, “Well, yes, there is. I’d like to have sex.”

She immediately lights up and says, “Oh, what a relief! I was hoping all evening that you’d ask me. In fact, I was just having a bad dream in which a whole day went by and you didn’t ask me for sex. Plus, you know how I love surprises! I know what’s going to happen. You’ll have an orgasm in five minutes, roll over, and go right to sleep. I won’t have an orgasm and will be up for an hour before I can drop off. It’s one of our marital traditions. Come over here, big boy, and let’s help you get to sleep.”

It’s six o’clock in the evening, and the wife is in full swing. She’s making dinner, helping the kids with their homework, working on a load of laundry, and talking to a friend on the phone. Her husband got home about thirty minutes ago and, as is his custom, has been in their bedroom decompressing after his workday.

With no idea of what her day has been like or what her current state of mind is, he comes up behind her at the stove and starts rubbing her shoulders. “That feels good, honey,” she sighs. He whispers in her ear, “I’ve got something that will make you feel even better. Let’s go to the bedroom for a quickie before dinner.”

She turns to face him and says, “You want sex now? Right now? I can’t believe what I’m hearing! I ran the kids around all day, went to the grocery store twice, had to go to the post office because you forgot that package to my mother, and my period is about to start. And we haven’t really had a decent conversation in two days. Not to mention, I’m kind of busy right now with dinner, laundry, and homework.

“What you’re offering me is an escape from all this stress! Talking is overrated, anyway. Baby, you’re a lifesaver! Let’s do it! Last one to the bedroom is a rotten egg!”

She puts the food on simmer and says to the kids, “You’re on your own with the homework. Finish it and pop in one of your movies. Mommy and Daddy need some alone time.” With a skip in her step, she moves toward the bedroom and a wonderful oasis of stress release and love.

Let’s Get a Grip on Reality

Can you picture these scenarios happening in your house? Honestly, can you? Of course not! I hate to break it to the husbands, but these stories are sheer fantasy. You husbands were thinking, “Oh, yeah! I can’t believe Dr. Clarke is recommending these approaches to sex! This is my dream come true!” You wives were rolling your eyes and fighting a gag reflex.

The reality is, great sex happens only when you prepare for it. This is especially crucial for your wife to enjoy sex. Unlike the couples in these made up stories, you can’t enjoy passionate, exciting sex on the spur of the moment. I wish you could! I wish
I
could!

I wish—without warning—I could grab my beautiful blonde, Sandy, throw her on the bed, and make wild, passionate love to her. I can’t do that. If I tried, Sandy would be horrified. Disgusted. She’d probably call the police. And who could blame her?

If I want great sex with Sandy (and believe me, I do!), I need to prepare her for it. And Sandy needs to prepare me for it. When we both take the right steps, our sex is nothing less than terrific.

All of us married couples have to fight and defeat a monster in order to successfully prepare for great sexual encounters. The monster is the media. Never underestimate the power of the media.

Satan is wise. He is very wise. He uses all the forms of media—magazines, newspapers, books, television, movies at home, movies in the theater, the Internet, radio—to fuel myths about sex. Satan’s goal is to distort God’s wonderful gift of sex and ruin it for us, and he’s doing a bang-up job through the media. Very few married couples have the kind of beautiful, fulfilling, and exhilarating sex life that God has designed for marriage.

To help you beat the monster, I’m going to give you a good look at its lies. Here are the main media myths about sex and God’s answering truths recorded in the Song.

Media’s Myth: Sex outside Marriage Is a Great Idea

Sex outside marriage is glorified in the media. Big time. It’s not merely an acceptable option. It is an expected and approved behavior. Anyone who chooses to remain a virgin until marriage is portrayed as hopeless, pathetic, and idiotic.

I mean, what kind of geeky, holier-than-thou prude waits until the wedding night to have sex for the first time? The media says you have to have intercourse before marriage in order to gain experience or to make sure you’re sexually compatible. It’s what the cool, hip, attractive singles do. Plus, it’s natural and a lot of fun.

Once you’re married, it’s almost certain you’ll have an affair or two. Or maybe even more. Sure, it’s technically wrong, but who can resist? We all know marital passion doesn’t last, so it’s inevitable that you’ll fall in love with someone new. Affairs are exciting and a real thrill ride. Just don’t get caught. If you do get found out, get a divorce and move on to a new partner.

Funny, the media doesn’t often share the grim statistics of sexually transmitted diseases, abortions, and broken relationships caused by sex outside of marriage, and the terrible trauma it causes the betrayed spouse and children. When those depressing numbers are reported, the basic message is: “This is just a part of life and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.” There is no indication given that all the pain and suffering can be avoided by sexual faithfulness in marriage.

The Song’s truth: Sex belongs only inside marriage

Solomon and Shulamith wait until their wedding night to experience sexual activity and sexual intercourse for the first time. They are extremely physically attracted to each other, but they exercise self-control and patience in the physical part of their relationship.

Shulamith (2:7)
“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
By the gazelles or by the hinds of the field,
That you will not arouse or awaken my love,
Until she pleases.”

Here, Shulamith makes it clear that she intends to be patient with her physical desire for Solomon. She does not want to be fully aroused physically until the time is right. And that time, as we’ve already seen in the Song (5:1), is on her wedding night.

The best part of restricting intercourse to marriage is that God will bless your physical union richly. God makes a point of recording his blessing of the Song’s lovers on their wedding night:

God (5:1b)
“Eat, friends;
Drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.”

If you have intercourse only inside your marriage, this same blessing can be yours. Solomon preached this same message over and over in the book of Proverbs (Prov. 2:16; 5:3; 7:5–20; 22:14; 23:27 are a few references) and in the book of Ecclesiastes (9:9), and it is the teaching of the whole Bible (1 Thess. 4:3–4). It must be important to God and therefore to us. Those who obey the Bible in this regard have the singular thrill of joyful memories created with this one person.

Media’s Myth: Sex Is the Most Important Part of a Relationship

I’ll go ahead and state the obvious: we live in a sex-drenched world. Most of the reports on the entertainment television shows concentrate on the sexual sins and immoral behavior of celebrities: television stars, movie stars, sports stars, musicians, and politicians.

Many television shows (sitcoms, dramas, soap operas) and movies focus on the sex lives of their characters. The characters talk about having sex, they have sex, they talk about the quality and quantity of their sex, and they continually find new partners with whom they can have sex. Literally, almost every show glamorizes not marital sex, but sex between
any
persons. With audacity, they proclaim the message that sex without marriage is a normal practice of life.

Television commercials offer little respite from the sexual bombardment. Reflecting on a current television commercial, if I have to see lingerie-clad models wearing those ridiculous wings one more time, I’ll scream. No normal wife is going to parade into her bedroom wearing winged lingerie! If a wife did try to jump into bed with wings, her husband would feel as though he were making love to a giant moth.