Kiss Me Like You Mean It (12 page)

Kissing each other as though you mean it immediately produces a romantic connection. The more you give the kind of kisses I’ve described, the more romance you’ll build in your relationship. So, kiss often! Kiss when you first wake up. Kiss when you part ways in the morning. Kiss when you see each other at the end of the workday. Kiss as part of your couple talk time in the evening. Kiss in the kitchen when you’re getting a drink or snack. Kiss when you go to bed.

Kiss every time you leave each other, even if one of you is going to the bathroom. I tell Sandy, “Honey, I’ve got to go to the bathroom. These things happen. I’m sorry to leave you this way. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Remember me.” And then I put a couple of real kisses on her sensuous mouth. She laughs, but she loves it.

Husband, the next time you leave your woman, lay a heartthumping and teeth-rattling kiss on her fabulous lips. Pull back and say, “There’s more where that came from, baby!” She’ll be shocked. She’ll be thrilled. She’ll get the distinct impression that you love her and want her body.

The truth is, you don’t need this course on kissing. It’s more of a reminder than a how-to manual. You know how to kiss, don’t you? You used to do it all the time. Remember those days? You didn’t need anyone to teach you how to kiss in a passionate way. You did it naturally because you were in love. And, you practiced a lot.

Dust off your kissing skills and get back in the game! You have your instructions for romance, straight from two lovers who know all the ins and outs of romance. Follow Solomon and Shulamith’s example and you will experience exhilarating romance that never ends.

11

“I’m Married to a Secret Agent!”

Communication presents a critical problem in most marriages. Why? Because The Talking Woman marries The Secret Agent Man.

The Talking Woman always has something to say. She expresses her thoughts. She expresses her feelings. She expresses her thoughts about her feelings. She expresses her feelings about her thoughts. She expresses her feelings about thoughts she hasn’t even had yet.

Every event of her day has special meaning, is remembered, and is shared with more than one person. This morning she was flossing her teeth, and the floss shredded. As she looked at the two pieces of floss, she had a burst of happiness because they reminded her of the time she was water skiing at age thirteen and her ski rope broke. Even though that was a bummer, that day at the lake with her dad and Aunt Betty was great.

At four in the afternoon that day, she and Aunt Betty had a real heart-to-heart about boys. Aunt Betty was wearing a bright green strapless swimsuit and there were little bits of corn stuck in her teeth from the corn on the cob she was eating. Keep in mind, this was twenty-five years ago! But for The Talking Woman, it’s as if it were yesterday.

All this from two pieces of shredded dental floss. Amazing, isn’t it? And she’s going to find her husband and tell this story, including every excruciating detail because that’s what she does.

As she tells her husband this story about her dad and Aunt Betty, it’s going to remind her of twenty other things. What will she do? The Talking Woman is going to have to talk about
those
things too, because she has no unexpressed thoughts.

The Talking Woman marries The Talking Man, doesn’t she? No, she doesn’t. She marries The Secret Agent Man. The Secret Agent Man never has anything to say. At least, not anything personal. He has thoughts and feelings, but no one knows what they are because . . . he’s The Secret Agent Man. Every event of his day, no matter how big, means nothing, is forgotten, and is not shared with anyone. Everything personal that happens in his life is a secret.

This morning, in the motel in which he was staying, he was flossing his teeth, and the floss shredded. His left hand shot into the mirror, shattering the glass and cutting his hand badly. As he recoiled from the mirror impact, his right foot slipped into the toilet and got lodged in it and wouldn’t come out.

Luckily, his cell phone was within reach, and he was able to call for help. The paramedics came and bandaged his hand. They also got his foot out of the toilet. It turned out that one of the paramedics was his best friend back in high school. Is he going to tell his wife what happened? Are you kidding? He’s forgotten the whole incident by lunchtime.

His wife asks him that evening, “What happened to your hand?” He says, “Oh, nothing.” Nothing? That’s a lie! She presses him by saying, “Your hand is cut and you’re limping.” He replies, “It was just a little accident.”

She thinks, “Well, duh! I know it was an accident.” She says, “Go on.” But, he won’t go on. She shouldn’t be surprised. He never goes on. He’s not going to talk about it. No, of course he doesn’t want to talk about it. It’s a secret, and he’s The Secret Agent Man. “I’m sorry, honey, but I’m Secret Agent 009. The information you’re requesting is classified. It’s a matter of National Security.” Actually, it’s
Personal
Security.

Who does he think his wife is? A spy? Now, if she is a spy, he’d better keep secrets. But if she’s not, The Secret Agent Man needs to learn how to open up to her.

As you can see, women and men are incredibly different from each other when it comes to communication. Most women are very comfortable with verbal intimacy and have a built-in craving for it. Most men are very uncomfortable with verbal intimacy and have a built-in drive to avoid it. Not a good combination for a relationship, is it?

When a woman sees a chance for intimacy in a conversation, she reacts as if someone has placed a wonderful gift basket in the room. It’s a basket with an assortment of chocolates, bath oils and lotions, a gift certificate to her favorite store, and a coupon for a day spa. She throws herself at it. She can’t wait to unpack all this terrific stuff!

When a man sees the possibility for intimacy in a conversation, he reacts as if someone has rolled a live grenade into the room. He leaps away from it in a desperate attempt to save himself!

The Secret Agent’s Wall

Because of these differences, many married couples are not able to talk on anything but a superficial level. There is a huge, thick, seemingly impenetrable wall between the husband and the wife which prevents emotional connection.

This wall is erected and maintained by The Secret Agent Spouse. The Secret Agent Spouse could be the husband or the wife. The Talking Spouse knows how to express feelings and share on a deeper level. This spouse is ready, willing, and usually desperate to punch through the wall and experience emotional intimacy. The Secret Agent Spouse, however, stays behind the wall and simply refuses to allow any deeper level conversations to occur.

Did I Marry a Secret Agent Spouse?

I have developed a test that will confirm with one hundredpercent accuracy if you’ve married a Secret Agent. Although my test assumes that the husband is the Secret Agent, it could just as easily be the wife.

1. He is content with a very low level of intimacy in the marriage. T F

2. He does not talk in a personal, heart-to-heart way with you. T F

3. He holds his emotions and deep thoughts inside. T F

4. His idea of quality time is having you sit beside him while he watches television. T F

5. He seems to love his television, his computer, and his job more than he loves you. T F

6. He believes the only purpose of romance was to get you to marry him. T F

7. The only time he’s passionate is when he wants—and during—sex. T F

8. He has the listening skills of a tree stump. T F

9. He’s into conservation . . . conservation of words. He thinks there’s no point in using twenty-five words when one or two will do. T F

10. You’ve come to realize that 99 percent of his entire conversational repertoire with you consists of these twenty statements/ questions T F

“Fine.”

“Okay.”

“Pretty good.”

“Sure.”

“I don’t know.”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I said I was sorry.”

“Get over it.”

“You’re overreacting.”

“You shouldn’t feel that way.”

“I forgot.”

“I never said that.”

“It’s that time of month, isn’t it?”

“How about some sex, baby?”

“What’s on television?”

“Do we have to visit your parents?”

“Where are my socks?”

“What’s for dinner?”

“What did you say?”

11. He’d rather face a firing squad than talk through a conflict with you. T F

12. He does love you but cannot express love in ways that make you feel loved. T F

13. He’s happy as long as you’re giving him sex, food, clean clothes, and the remote control. T F

14. He thinks you have a great marriage. T F

15. He has no idea why you’re upset and unhappy in the marriage. T F

If you answered True to at least ten of these, you’re married to a Secret Agent.

Your Secret Agent Is Intimacy Challenged

Your Secret Agent isn’t a bad guy. He’s not evil or intentionally mean. He hasn’t killed anyone. He doesn’t run over squirrels for sport. He’s a moral, decent, and upright person who works hard at his job. He’s not having an affair. He’s not an alcoholic or a drug user. He isn’t addicted to anything. He does not verbally or physically abuse you. He’s solid, stable, and responsible. He’s a good guy! He even loves you. You know he loves you.

The one problem with him—and it is a big one—is that he doesn’t show you love in the way you need to be shown love. He doesn’t meet your deepest and most important need as a wife: to be emotionally connected to him. He doesn’t open up and share himself with you. His feelings, his personal thoughts, his problems, his worries, his relationship with Jesus Christ, and his hopes and dreams all stay buried inside. He is intimacy challenged.

The one arena in which he seems to be able to give himself to you is sex. During foreplay and intercourse, he can be warm and sensitive and loving. But, frankly, that’s not good enough. It’s not good enough for you. You need him to give himself to you emotionally. Physical love without emotional connection is difficult—even painful—for you. And, it does not meet your greatest human relationship need.

You really and truly don’t know your husband. And you desperately want—actually, need—to know him. That’s why you got married—to be close to him! You need to know and experience who he really is inside. You need him to know and experience who you really are inside. But, that hasn’t happened in your marriage, and it doesn’t look as though it’s ever going to happen.

The reason for this is that it takes two for true intimacy to happen. He must talk! He must put aside his logic and fears and self-protection and let his emotions come out. He will have to open up and share with you, regularly, his personal stuff. As a woman, you know this is true because you know how intimacy in a relationship works. But he doesn’t get it. And he certainly isn’t joining you in this intimacy process. You’re still at Square One. Why? Because your Secret Agent won’t talk on a personal level!

Your Secret Agent is emotionally stunted. He hides his true self behind his wall. He might be a pretty expressive guy with a great sense of humor. I’ve known Secret Agents who have no trouble talking. But they close down when it comes to any personal, below-the-surface conversation.

Oh, he’ll talk to you. But only about things that are “safe” for him in his mind and are superficial: generalities about his day, facts and events, logical observations, financial matters, his job, his schedule, home maintenance, the kids, vacation plans. . . . These are the kinds of things he could share with anyone—a friend, his dad or mom or brother, the mail carrier. But, but . . . you’re his
wife
! You need more than this!

The Secret to Dealing with a Secret Agent

Here’s a dialogue that I’ve had in my therapy office with hundreds of spouses married to Secret Agents:

Spouse: “Dr. Clarke, I’ve tried everything to get my spouse to open up and talk on a personal level—about himself, inside, his thoughts and feelings. Nothing has worked. It’s going to take an act of God to change my spouse and get us emotionally connected.”

Dave Clarke: “You’re right. You’re more right than you know. Let me ask you some questions. First, what kind of spiritual bonding do you do as a couple?”

Spouse: “Spiritual bonding? What do you mean?”

Dave Clarke: “Do you have regular spiritual conversations in which each of you shares how you’re doing in your relationship with God?”

Spouse: “No. No, we don’t.”

Dave Clarke: “Do you pray together regularly? And I don’t mean at meal times. I mean praying together for five minutes at least three times a week.”

Spouse: “No.”

Dave Clarke: “Do you read the Bible together regularly and talk about how you’re applying Scripture to your lives?”

Spouse: “No.”

Dave Clarke: “Don’t feel too bad. You and your spouse are in the majority. Very few married couples spiritually bond. This is for three main reasons. Your parents didn’t model it for you. No one ever taught you how. Not many churches provide specific, how-to teaching about spiritually bonding as a couple. The secret to breaking through your Secret Agent’s wall and becoming emotionally connected is the process of spiritual bonding. There are many avenues to intimacy, but the spiritual is the most important one. If you and your spouse will begin the process and move into spiritual bonding, you will receive two major benefits. One, by itself it will create the best and deepest passion possible between a husband and wife. Two, your spiritual bond will break through the wall and lead to emotional intimacy.”