“No.”
A smile crept across my face. She was trying to fight it, but it was only a matter of time before she gave in to what she felt for me.
“You hated yourself because a part of you still loved me even though you thought I may have been capable of unthinkable acts,” I said.
“Why are you doing this?” She tipped her head back on my shoulder. “Why are you torturing me this way?”
“You’re the one who’s torturing me, angel. You’re going out with another man. I’m going to spend the next few hours thinking of nothing else.” I skimmed my hand over her hips in a way that any onlooker would view as predatory. “I’m going to wonder if he’s making you laugh.” My words were barely audible, little more than a hushed whisper. “If he’s charming you, making you fall a little deeper. I’m going to wonder if you’re dancing with him, if you’ll let him kiss you goodnight. That, my love, is the definition of torture.” If she were anyone else, I would have issued a command and expected her to obey, but with her, I wasn’t above begging. “Don’t go, Maura, please.”
“I have to. He’s waiting for me.”
“I’ve been waiting for you a hell of a lot longer.”
She turned in my arms before her eyes locked on something over my shoulder. “It looks like someone is waiting for you.”
Judging by the look on Maura’s face, I wasn’t the only one who was jealous. “She’s just a friend. You need to believe that.”
Her lips twisted into a cynical smile. “Your ex-lover is staying with you. The same ex-lover who made no secret of the fact she wanted to hook up with you not too long ago.”
I reached for her hands. “Come on, you know she’s been through hell. Sex is the last thing on her mind right now.”
“But reconnecting with you is clearly at the forefront of her mind.” Her gaze traveled to Lana as she raised an eyebrow. “The way she’s looking at us right now… she looks pretty territorial.”
I didn’t even spare a glance over my shoulder. “It’s not how she feels about me that matters. It’s how I feel about you.”
“How do you—no, forget it. I don’t want to know.” She raised her hand. “I did a lot of soul-searching while you were gone. I’m sorry for the way I reacted when you told me you were leaving. I’m ashamed of myself.”
“You don’t have to apologize—”
“Please, just let me finish.” Her eyes drifted to the buttons on my shirt. “I don’t like who I am when I’m around you.”
“What?” My heart stuttered as I tried to determine whether she was lying. We’d always brought out the best in each other, even when jealousy was eating us alive and we were making each other crazy.
“I’ve worked hard to become someone I like, someone I’m proud of.” She shook her head. “It wasn’t easy. It took a lot of therapy for me to find my way, but I have. I don’t want to sacrifice that for anyone or anything.”
She was sending me a clear message. She didn’t think taking a chance on me was worth the risk.
My hands fell to my sides. “You’ve never been afraid to take chances. That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you. Don’t play it safe now, not with our future at stake.”
“You’re asking me to say what you want to hear, but you’re not listening to how I feel,” she said, frustration seeping into her voice. “You’re used to controlling everything and everyone, but you can’t control me. You can’t make me want things I don’t just because that’s what makes you happy.”
“You can’t tell me you don’t want me,” I said, clenching my teeth. “You can’t say those words and claim it’s the truth.”
“I have to go.”
Desperate for more time to prove my point, I said, “Will you text me when you get home tonight?”
“Why?” she asked, looking wary.
“My investigator called. There have been some new developments. I’d like to fill you in.”
With a heavy sigh, she said, “Depends what time I get home. I can’t make any promises.”
I watched her walk away, wishing I could say or do something to stop her in her tracks.
I love you. Marry me.
Those words would get her attention, but I couldn’t be sure they would get the kind of attention I was seeking. So I let her walk away and prayed she’d come back to me.
Chapter Six
“You haven’t put your phone down all night,” Lana said, glancing at me.
I was supposed to be watching a chick flick with her, to help her take her mind off her problems, but the only thing I could think about was Maura being out with someone else. Every once in a while, I got up and wandered to the only window overlooking the parking lot to look for her car. I wondered where the hell she was. It was past eleven, and with every minute that crept past, the ball of fear in my gut expanded. What if that Josh guy was man enough to make her forget me?
“Sorry,” I muttered, reaching for a handful of beer nuts. I was losing my mind over this woman.
Again.
“I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
“So I’ve noticed. Does it have anything to do with that girl you were talking to earlier?”
It has everything to do with her.
“I’d rather not get into it, if you don’t mind.”
“Come on, Blaise,” she said, nudging my knee with hers. “You know everything there is to know about me, but you’re never willing to share anything about yourself. If you’re having a problem, maybe I could help.”
It felt wrong to talk to Lana about other women. As Maura loved to point out, we had been lovers, and even though I’d always viewed it as a casual relationship, Lana had never felt the same way. “I appreciate the offer, but—”
“You’re going to clam up like you always do.” She rolled her eyes. “It’s not healthy to keep everything bottled up. I’m afraid you’re just going to explode one day.”
I felt dangerously close to exploding right then. I gripped my phone tighter in my fist. Why the hell hadn’t she texted me yet? I was tempted to go outside and wait for her, but I didn’t want to scare her or cross the line she’d drawn to keep me at a safe distance. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. You have enough on your plate without concerning yourself with my problems.”
“That’s what friends do,” she reminded me. “Look out for each other. You’re always looking out for everyone else, but when you need some help, you won’t let anyone in. It’s maddening.”
A corner of my mouth tipped up as I tugged on a lock of her hair. “Thanks, hon. It’s nice to know someone cares.”
Lana was cover-girl gorgeous, and I knew many men who would gladly trade places with me, but sitting next to Lana did nothing for me. Which proved how far gone I was. My phone beeped, nearly making me choke on a peanut. I glanced at the screen and jumped up when I saw the message.
If you’re still up, you can come down now. I’m home.
“Um, there’s something I need to take care of. I have my key. I’ll lock the door when I leave. Don’t wait up for me.”
“You’re going to see her, aren’t you?”
I kissed the top of Lana’s head. “Enjoy the rest of your movie and try to get some sleep.”
When I got into the hallway, I punched the button on the elevator repeatedly and rehearsed what I wanted to say to Maura. It seemed like it had been weeks since I’d seen or held her. Time dragged on when we weren’t together, and my life in New York was starting to seem pretty empty without her.
I knocked on her door, tapping my foot impatiently as I waited for her to answer. I had to play it cool, but I had no idea how I would pull it off. Not knowing where I stood with her had me inching closer and closer to insanity.
“Hey, Blaise,” she said, finally opening the door and standing partially behind it. “Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just changing. Come in.”
My jaw nearly dropped when I saw what she was wearing: black cotton tap pants and a matching tank top without a bra. Perfectly acceptable bedtime attire, but not conducive to a conversation where I hoped to be able to string three words together.
“I wasn’t sure you were coming,” she said, closing and locking the door. “You didn’t text me back.”
“Sorry, I guess I should have.” I pocketed my phone. “How was your date?”
She smiled. “It was good. Josh is a nice guy. I like him.”
I followed her into the kitchen as I forced myself to unclench my fists. “How much do you like him?”
Maura reached into the fridge for a bottle of wine. “I wasn’t able to drink at dinner tonight since I was driving. I could really use a glass of vino to unwind. Care to join me?”
“Sure.”
She reached into a drawer for a corkscrew. If she was testing my patience, I was about to fail miserably.
“You didn’t answer my question,” I said, reaching for the bottle of wine. I worked the corkscrew in as I asked, “How much do you like him?”
“A lot.”
“For fuck’s sakes, Maura, would you stop being so evasive? You’re making me crazy.”
She was obviously trying to suppress a smile when she said, “I didn’t think you’d care what I did with Josh. You know, since your gorgeous roomie—”
“You thought wrong,” I said between clenched teeth. She was just messing with me, but I was in no mood to indulge her. “Lana and I are just friends. Nothing more. Can you say the same about this Josh character?”
With a dramatic sigh, she propped her elbows on the counter and watched me pour wine into the two glasses she’d set out. “Unfortunately.”
My head snapped up, prompting me to spill wine on the counter. I muttered a curse as she giggled.
“Let me clean that up.” She reached for a paper towel to mop up the mess I made.
“Unfortunately… what? You can say you two are just friends?”
“Mmm hmm.” She nodded as she reached for her glass. “I went out with him tonight because I wanted to see if there were any sparks. I thought maybe I didn’t give him a fair chance last time, you know, because of you.”
“And?”
“There were no sparks.” She wrinkled her nose. “Not even a flicker. There were a lot of awkward pauses in the conversation, if you know what I mean?”
She seemed more relaxed than I’d seen her in a long time. It was a nice change.
“Yeah. I hate dates like that.”
She leaned back against the counter. “So how was your night? What did you do?”
“I thought about you.” I was done trying to hide my feelings for her, not that I’d done a great job of it so far.
Maura rolled her eyes. “Given the company you’re keeping, I find that hard to believe.”
I caught her eye before I said, “Angel, this is you and me. What we have is incomparable.”
“I can’t deny that.” She bit her bottom lip. “I’ve done a lot of thinking since you left. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you’re… him.” She smiled softly. “My first love. It’s crazy.”
“It is kind of crazy. I never thought we’d end up back here, but now that we have, I can’t help but think it’s fate.” I took a sip of my wine, forgoing the toast. I wasn’t certain yet that we had anything to celebrate, but the vibe I got from her was definitely positive. Forgiveness might be on the night’s agenda.
When she looked at me over the rim of her wineglass, I couldn’t help but ask, “Are you still questioning whether I may have been involved in your attack?”
“No, I know now that you had nothing to do with that. I just wish I’d figured it out sooner.”
“Would that have changed things?” I asked.
“Of course it would have. I never would have let you rot in prison for a crime you didn’t commit!”
I smiled at the conviction in her voice. She believed in me again, and it felt amazing. “Good to know.” I sipped the wine slowly. It was one of her favorites, and while it wasn’t the most expensive bottle in my wine cellar, it had always been one of my favorites because it reminded me of her.
“So about the case… my investigator called me earlier. He has a meeting set up with a detective tomorrow. He’ll present his evidence, and hopefully it’ll be enough. He’s confident it will be.”
“Let’s drink to that,” she said, her eyes sparkling as she raised her glass. “To that son of a bitch finally getting what he deserves.”
I smirked as I touched my glass to hers. “I couldn’t have said it better myself, Miss Lancaster.”
“Let’s go into the living room,” she said, leading the way. “We’ll be more comfortable in here.” She sank onto her plush sectional, reached for a throw, and tossed it over her bare legs. “Come, sit down.” She patted the cushion next to her. “I won’t bite… unless you want me to?”
I sat down, trying to figure out how we’d gone from standoffish to playful in a matter of hours. “What’s with you?” I propped my leg under the other as I turned to face her. “You hated my guts when I left town a few days ago.”
“No, I was angry… and jealous.” She tipped her glass back. “And just so you know, it kills me to admit that.”
“Jealous?” I laughed, thoroughly pleased. “Why would you be jealous?”
“Come on, Blaise. Your ex called you to come to her rescue, and you dropped everything to be with her. How did you expect me to feel?”
I brought her fingertips to my lips. I kissed one after the other, watching her eyes darken with interest. “I had to be with her.”
“Why?”
“Because I couldn’t be there for you when you needed me.”
Confusion drew a harsh line between her arched brows. “I don’t understand.”
I laced my fingers through hers. “Do you know what it did to me, knowing you needed comfort and I couldn’t go to you? I couldn’t hold you or touch you or tell you I loved you. I couldn’t tell you how sorry I was that I hadn’t been there to protect you or vow to find the bastard who’d done that to you. My hands were tied, literally, and it killed me.”
“I know it must have been hard—”
“That doesn’t even begin to describe it, angel. You were my world. My whole fucking world. And in the blink of an eye, some prick with a knife took my world away. I wanted to kill someone.”
She looked at our joined hands. “What was it like for you in there? Was it as horrible as I’m imagining it was?”
“Depends on the day,” I said, shrugging. “Some days were worse than others.” Some days were horrific, but she didn’t need to hear the gory details. There were times when I’d wanted to gouge my eyes out, but the goal of proving my innocence kept me sane.