Authors: Ruth Logan Herne
But it lingered like a malevolent shadow just over her shoulder, waiting, watching. It had been growing of late, that voice. The closer she got to Tanner, the stronger it grew.
She clenched her hands into tight fists and Tanner, ever aware of each shift in her mood, bent his head closer to her.
“Everything okay?” he asked, his soft-spoken words holding a trace of concern.
She flashed him a smile and settled against him. “Yeah. It's all good,” she said.
But the shadow lingered.
“I thought we could read from Psalm 95 for our after supper devotion,” Monty said, getting up and taking the Bible from the sideboard, where it always resided. He returned to the table and opened it to the marked spot. He slipped his reading glasses on and then took a moment to look around the table. “I know that this past year has had its difficulties, and while this isn't the official Thanksgiving Day, this is our own particular time to give thanks all together.” He glanced at Ellen, still sitting stiffly in her neck brace, and gave her a gentle smile, then turned to Alice. “For one thing, Ellen and I are both thankful you could be here to help us, Alice. Of course, we're sad that Heather and Lee couldn't be here and we continue to pray for them....” His voice trailed off a moment and Keira had to swallow down her own sorrow, as well. She had written Heather and texted Lee but both of them had clearly stated they couldn't come. Both had given work as the reason and in Lee's case, Keira suspected it was true. He'd had difficulty finding a job after his years in jail so she suspected he didn't want to jeopardize his standing with this company. But in Heather's situation, Keira suspected something else was going on because even before the storm changed all the plans, Heather had said that she might not be coming for Thanksgiving no matter when it was held. And Christmas was still uncertain.
The thought made her sad and Keira leaned just a little closer to Tanner, who seemed to sense her sorrow and gently stroked her shoulder.
Monty cleared his throat and then gave Keira and Tanner the benefit of his smile. “But we are also thankful for the gifts God has given us and thankful for Keira and...” He paused a moment, as if unsure if he should put his daughter and Tanner together yet. But he recovered. “And we are also thankful to have Tanner with us.” Then he adjusted his glasses, looked down and started reading.
“âCome, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before Him with thanksgiving and extol Him with music and song. For the Lord is the great God, the great King above all gods.'”
Keira let the words of the passage her father was reading wash over her weary soul. God was her rock and had been through the turbulent times of her life. And, He had brought Tanner back into her life. She didn't dare think to far ahead yet, but for now, she was thankful.
She glanced sidelong at Tanner to connect with him, but was surprised to see him looking at Alice, a faint frown tugging at his eyebrows. But Alice wasn't looking at him at all. Instead, her head was lowered, her eyes focused on her hands folded on the table, lips pressed tightly together.
Then, to Keira's surprise and consternation, she saw the shining track of a tear slide down her face.
Her heart softened a moment as she reminded herself that in spite of what David was, he was still Alice's beloved son. And she didn't have him anymore.
“âFor He is our God and we are the people of His pasture, the flock under His care.'” Monty paused at the end of the reading then closed the Bible and eased out a sigh.
“I think it's important to remind ourselves that we are truly under God's care. That he does watch over us and has a purpose for our lives.” Monty set the Bible on the table and looked around at the gathering. “So, in light of that, I was wondering if we could talk about how God has worked in our lives the past while and maybe mention things we are thankful for.”
Monty paused a moment, to let the idea settle, then turned to Ellen, holding her hand in his. “So, I know you're not in the best place right now, my dear, but I know that I've learned a lot about being thankful in all circumstances from you.”
Gratitude permeated Keira's soul at the sight of her parents' obvious love for each other. They had been through a lot the past few years. Lee's accident and subsequent time in jail. Heather marrying a man they didn't approve of and her moving to New York with him. Now Ellen's accident. Yet, through it all their love for each other was obvious to any who knew them.
“I struggle with thankfulness, but I know I am thankful that we could be here together,” Ellen said, granting Keira a warm smile, her gaze taking in Tanner, as well. “I'm also happy Tanner could be here with us and that you two are together again.”
Together again.
The words, spoken aloud by her mother, seemed to make the relationship suddenly tangible and real.
“I'm thankful for a lot of things, too,” Tanner said, looking down at Keira again. “It's been a long hard road but it brought me back here and for that, I thank our Lord.” Then he looked across the table at Alice. “And I have to add that I'm grateful I could spend the last few weeks with you, Alice. It means a lot to be here, together.”
Alice looked up at that, blinking as if to get rid of the tears she had just struggled through. “I appreciate that,” she said quietly. “And I look forward to seeing you compete with David's saddle. I know that will make the past two years easier to bear.”
Keira tried not to let the woman's expectations of Tanner weigh her down, but she felt as if an extra burden was suddenly placed on his shoulders. He carried enough guilt over David; Alice's expectations only seemed to add to the burden.
He shouldn't be carrying this and you know why.
Keira pressed her lips together, her hands clenched as she pushed the voice back where it belonged. Down. Buried.
“And because of Keira's hard work, David's saddle is now finished,” Tanner continued. “So I'm as ready to go as I can be.”
“When do you leave?” Alice asked.
“Tomorrow.”
“Do you think you can do it?” Strangely, Alice seemed confrontational.
What was wrong with her? And why was she glaring at Tanner as if she was angry with him? She knew Alice blamed Tanner for David's death, but from the way Alice had been acting the past few days, Keira thought she'd gotten through that by now. Especially with Tanner devoting this past year to his brother.
“Tanner is a good rider. One of the best,” Keira said, feeling the need to defend him. “Of course he can do it.”
Alice's gaze snapped to Keira. “You of all people should know he was never as good as David.”
Keira clenched her fists under the table, holding Alice's gaze look for look, anger and a myriad of other emotions whirling through her. How could she say something like that, especially right in front of her son? “Tanner's the best man I know.”
Alice's eyes widened. “How can you say that? You know David was the better man in so many ways. I warned him not to date you. That he was just a rebound romance for you, but he said he loved you. That he wanted to marry you.” Her staccato words were like shots to Keira's heart.
Keira heard Tanner's gasp as her thoughts spun and whirled like a dark vortex. What was Alice saying? Her heart threatened to thunder in her chest. She had it wrong. So terribly wrong.
“I never... David was never...” Her voice choked off. She couldn't speak. Couldn't think. She swallowed back words that clamored to be spoken.
She had to leave.
“Excuse me,” she said, making every effort to keep her voice even. Steady.
“Are you okay? Do you want me to come with you?” Tanner asked, rising to his feet.
She shook her head, laying her hand on his shoulder, exerting every ounce of willpower as she struggled to maintain her composure. “We'll talk later, I promise,” she said quietly. “Please, just give me a few moments alone. Please.”
She ignored Tanner's look of concern, her parents' puzzlement and Alice's piercing gaze and, eyes downcast, she walked out of the room, willing herself not to rush.
She made her way to the bathroom, closed the door and, leaning against it, slid down to the floor.
She grabbed her head, lowering her forehead to her upraised knees.
“Please, Lord,” was all she could say. She had to pull it together. She couldn't fall apart now.
Chapter Twelve
T
anner watched Keira leave, his own emotions in turmoil as his stepmother's words rang like a hammer through his head.
David had wanted to
marry
Keira? She hadn't told him any of that. Though she had asked for a moment alone, he couldn't stop from pushing his chair back to follow her. To find out more.
“I'm sorry for what I said,” Alice said to Ellen and Monty, thankfully acknowledging how inappropriate her previous comments were. “I'm feeling too emotional right now.”
Tanner looked back, still feeling torn.
“If you don't mind, I'd like a word with Tanner?” Alice continued, getting up from the table.
It was the pleading tone in her voice that drew his attention away from Keira, walking down the hallway away from him, back to his stepmother.
“I need to talk to you,” Alice continued. “As soon as possible.”
Tanner felt torn, but knew he had to give Keira the space she asked for. He would talk to her later.
Alice looked to Ellen and Monty and laid a gentle hand on Ellen's shoulder. “Again, I'm sorry, but I need to talk to Tanner in private. I'll take care of the dishes when I come back. Please, don't do any of it.”
“Don't worry about the cleanup,” Ellen said. “You do what you need to do.”
It wasn't hard to hear the strained note in Ellen's voice, and Tanner understood where she was coming from. He was still trying to absorb the shock of what Alice had just dumped on them. He could only imagine what was going through Monty's and Ellen's minds.
“Use my office,” Monty said, getting up from the table. “You can talk in private there.”
Alice nodded at his gracious offer and, without a backward glance at Tanner to see if he was following, walked in the opposite direction Keira had gone, to the room just off the living room.
Tanner headed after her and closed the door of Monty's office behind him, leaning against it as if to support himself. Alice stopped by the desk, her hands woven together.
“Did David really want to marry Keira?” was the first thing out of his mouth as his mother turned to face him.
“He loved her,” was all Alice said, taking on the melancholy tone that was her default emotion whenever she talked of David. “When they dated, it was all he talked about. How he wanted to make Keira his wife and live on the ranch.”
Tanner fisted his hands to keep his emotions in check. He had a hard time believing his stepmother and yet his thoughts shifted to the confession Keira had made about dating David after she broke up with him.
Had something more happened between her and David that would make his brother hope they would get married?
He tried to dismiss the idea but it clung, pernicious and evil as his thoughts rushed backward. How David had changed after that summer Keira left. How despondent he had become. How much more he started to drink.
“Another thing we need to talk about is Keira.”
Alice's voice came from a faraway place and Tanner blinked, trying to bring himself from past into present.
“What do you mean, talk about Keira?”
“I know you and Keira have a history. But I hope you don't let her distract you. When you told me that you were dedicating this season to David, it felt right. Going to the National Finals was a dream of David's from the first moment Cyrus put him in a saddle. He came so close the year...the year he died.” Alice released a heavy sigh and leaned back against Monty's desk, her hand resting on the edge, as if the weight of the memories was too much for her to hold up on her own. “To hear you say that you want to finish what your brother started means the world to me. I'm so sorry for what I said about you not being man that David was. I was hurt and angry. It bothered...bothers me to see you with Keira, that was why I got upset and said what I did. I need you to know that I'm proud of what you're doing in memory of David.”
She wasn't his mother and had made that fairly clear from an early age. But to hear her say she was proud of him created an unexpected lightness. For the first time in many years he dared nurture a faint hope that she might see him as more than a stepson.
“Thank you.” He chose to ignore her comment about Keira. That could be dealt with another time.
“But in order to finish what you start, you need to stay focused,” Alice continued, her eyes now blazing with intensity. “You're close. I know you are. I checked the standings and you're very high. But you can't let Keira distract you.”
Resentment flashed through him both at how proprietary she had become with something she had found out only a couple of weeks ago and how she presumed to tell him what to do about Keira. “I know what I need to do,” he said, his tone careful and measured, trying not to let her pressure get to him.
“That's good. And I think you know that David would be proud of you, too.” She smiled, satisfied as she pushed away from the desk. As if her job was done.
“Before I leave for Vegas,” he said, forestalling her exit. “There's something else we need to discuss.”
As he pulled in a deep breath, his heart kicked up a few notches. A lot rode on the next few momentsâand her reaction. He prayed for strength and that she would understand.
“I'd like to talk to you about the ranch.”
Alice turned the corners of her mouth down, folded her arms over her chest. “What about the ranch?”
Tanner forced himself to look directly at Alice and hold her frowning gaze. Not to back down. He wasn't afraid of her, but he was afraid of the consequences should she turn him down.
“I'd like to run it. I'd like to find a way to buy it from you.”
Alice sucked in her breath, but her eyes flicked away from him. “So you're thinking of moving back here?”
“I'd like to. I grew up here. Grew up on the Circle C. All my best memories are there. I miss working cattle and I miss...I miss being with Keira.”
Alice drummed her fingers on her arm, also not a good sign. She would do that whenever he or David had done something she was unhappy with and she was deciding on the best punishment to mete out.
“How do you propose to pay for the ranch? I've been offered a lot of money for it.”
As he had since his father died, Tanner had to work hard to keep his emotions out of the situation. He shouldn't have to buy his father's ranch back, but he kept those thoughts at bay. One step at a time. “I was hoping you would realize it was
my
father who owned the ranch and that we could find an equitable way for me to buy into it.”
“But he willed it to me.” Her words were crisp, her tone sharp, defensive.
“I know that. But surely you must realize how this looked to me. I was his son. It was my grandfather who started that ranch. I expected to at least receive some part of it when he died, and if not, then for you to acknowledge that I should receive at least half instead of you saying you were giving all of it to David.”
“I know you've always resented my place in your life,” Alice interrupted him, shifting the conversation back to herself.
Tanner held his hand up to stop this line of thinking. “I was only three when my father married you. You were the only mother I ever knew. My father married you for a reason. I know he must have loved you.” Tanner threw the words out, hoping something would connect. The fights that went on in the house when he was old enough to understand were hardly indicative of a loving relationship but something must have drawn his father to Alice in order for him to marry her.
Alice slumped against the desk again, her fingers worrying at the hem of her pale blue sweater. “He did. At first.” She stopped there and Tanner heard genuine pain in her voice and his anger with her softened. A bit.
“But regardless of your past relationship with my father,” he continued, “you've got to understand where I'm coming from. My dad willing his ranch to you and you not recognizing me in any way hurt more than I think you realize.”
Tanner hoped to appeal to some sense of fair play. It was the only leverage he had right now.
“I'd like to negotiate something with you,” he said. “I'd like to come back to the area and start a life here.”
“And what about your mechanic shop?”
Tanner released a sharp breath. “That was only a way to support myself. It was never my dream. Not like ranching.”
She fiddled with the hem of her sweater, then pulled in a deep breath, stiffened her spine and looked directly at him, steely resolve turning her eyes into flint.
“Why don't we talk about this later. After the finals in Vegas. I know people don't think it's right that I got the ranch, and I want to be fair about it. But for now, let's first lay David's soul to rest, shall we? After the Finals, we'll talk.”
Tanner could only nod as a chill entered his soul. His past mistakes had been enough to carry into the finals. Now his future was added to that burden, as well?
“That's all I can ask for,” he said quietly. “For now I need to go talk to Keira.”
Alice's lips tightened at the mention of her name but thankfully she didn't say anything more. Tanner left the room but Keira wasn't in the kitchen when he returned. Monty and Ellen were making a valiant attempt at cleaning up and as Alice entered the kitchen she reprimanded them and took over.
“If you're looking for Keira, she went out to the shop,” Ellen said to Tanner as she set a stack of dishes on the island by the dishwasher. “You go talk to her. We can finish up here.”
Tanner didn't need any further encouragement, but the note of concern in Ellen's voice gave him added impetus. He hurried to the porch, grabbed his jacket and threaded his hands through the sleeves as he tried to jam his feet into his boots. Urgency made him clumsy and slowed his movements.
Finally he was out the door, the wan light of the shop casting a glow over the shoveled walkway.
The door of the shop was ajar and he heard Keira's quiet voice and he realized she was talking to Sugar.
“I don't know what to do,” she said, the plaintiveness in her voice tearing at his soul. She sounded lost. Alone.
Scared.
But why?
Help me through this, Lord,
he prayed, not sure what else to do. Then he pushed open the door, it's squeak echoing through the quiet of the shop.
Keira sat on the floor, her back resting against the workbench, stroking Sugar's head, who was curled up beside her.
Both Sugar and Keira looked up at Tanner as he closed the door behind him. Neither got up, as if they'd known he was coming. As he came closer Tanner's heartbeat faltered at the sight of Keira's face. Her eyes were red rimmed and haunted. Her features looked as if they had been dragged down.
“What's wrong?” he asked, dropping to her side, sliding his arm around her shoulders.
She resisted a moment, then drifted into him, her head resting on his shoulder.
“We need to talk.”
Four words no man ever wanted to hear. Tanner sent up another prayer and waited. And for the second time this evening, feeling as if far too much was riding on this moment.
* * *
“Sorry I took off on you,” Keira whispered, letting the warmth of Tanner's shoulder seep into her. Her forehead felt tight and her cheeks were hot, but inside she felt cold as ice.
Tanner took her hand in his. It was warm and completely enfolded hers. She heard his ragged sigh and she waited a moment longer, allowing herself this moment of calm before everything between them changed.
“That's okay,” Tanner said. “I guessed Alice upset you. I would have come after you but she needed to talk to me.”
“What about?” Keira knew her inane question was simply putting off the inevitable, but she couldn't simply jump into this.
“The ranch. If all goes well at the NFR, she said she would consider finding a way to make it mine when I come back from Vegas.” He clasped her hand just a bit tighter. “Which I'm excited about. Because that will mean I can think about a future. Here. In the valley.”
In his voice she heard a hope that both excited her and sent her heart spiraling downward. Would they have a future?
“What did you need to say to me?” he asked. “In the house you said we would talk later.”
Keira felt as if she stood on the edge of a precipice, teetering, struggling to hold her balance. Once she released the words there was no taking them back. They would be out in the world, real. Alive.
She closed her eyes, clinging to Tanner's hand, praying for strength and courage.
“It's about David...” She faltered, wishing she didn't have to have this conversation but knowing that if they were going to move into the future that she hoped they might have, this needed to be dealt with.
Tanner stiffened, dropping her hands. Creating a distance that chipped away at her resolve.
“Did you want to
marry
him?” he said with narrowed eyes and clenched teeth.
Keira grabbed his shoulder, praying he believed her. “No. Never. David was delusional. I never wanted to marry him. Ever.” She spoke with force, clinging to her anger to control her fear.
“I'm glad,” was all Tanner said. His displeasure faded away as he stroked her face. “I'm having a hard enough time with my memories of David. I didn't need that added to the mix.”
Keira's heart turned over, her breath quickened and she sent up a scattered prayer for strength.
“That summer, after I broke up with you...” Her voice trailed off as she forced herself into the past. “It was hard. I knew I'd a made a mistake. I wanted to get back together with you, but I also knew how proud you can be.” She shifted away from him, wrapping her arms around her knees, but thankfully, he kept his arm around her shoulders.
“I was mixed up and confused, and then David was home and he invited me to a party with him. I went and we had fun and I asked about you and he told me a few things about you. How you'd placed first in the past two rodeos. How you were getting money together. He told me about your work as a mechanic. I was hungry for anything I could find out about you.”