Authors: Ruth Logan Herne
“Why didn't you talk to me, ask me?” The hurt in his voice was palpable but she couldn't dwell on that. She had to stick with the facts. It was the only way to get through all of this.
“I'm a proud person, too,” she said, tightening her grip on her knees. “I'd broken up with you and I wasn't ready to forgive you for not being able to stay in the valley. I didn't think I had any right to contact you. And then the third time David and I went out he told me about the will, and I understood better why you were working so hard. But he...he also told me about girls you were datingâ”
“What? I never dated any girls.”
She shot him a puzzled glance, surprised at his anger. “He said you went out every night when you guys were on the road. That you always had girls with you.”
“Not because I asked them and I certainly didn't date any of them.” Tanner's eyebrows were dark slashes over eyes burning with an indignation that both exhilarated and frightened her. “They were just girls who liked to hang around cowboys after a rodeo. Buckle bunnies. Groupies. Whatever you want to call them.”
“So David was lying.”
“Absolutely.”
The conviction in his voice thrilled her but at the same time she felt a growing tempest of fury rising up in her. David... He'd done too much damage.
She sucked in a deep breath, struggling to stay on top of the storm brewing, a storm that had been always latent but now was seeping through the fissures of her slowly eroding self-control.
“I'm guessing, though, you didn't want to talk to me just about the lies my brother had been feeding you.” Tanner's voice was gentle but she sensed the steel behind it.
Another breath. Another prayer.
“That summer, David and I went out a bunch of times,” she said, floundering through all of this. “When he told me about the...dates...I was angry. Upset. Even though I'd broken up with you, I missed you. I knew I had made a mistake and if I'd known exactly why you were so busy, if we'd talked more...maybe...maybe everything would have been different.” She paused, teetering, then pushed on. “David and I went to a party one night. It was a bush party and it got wild. I was upset and not thinking straight.” She leached all the emotion out of her voice, bringing the conversation to a simple recitation of the facts. “I had too much to drink. So did David. He tried to make out with me and for a little while I let him. Then I told him to stop. That I didn't want it and wasn't over you. I drank some more and then, of course, went out to the bushes to get sick, and he found me there. He tried to help me and I told him I was fine. He insisted and I got mad at him. Told him to leave me alone. I was still upset with what he told me. Then he grabbed me and told me to get over you. That you were totally over me. That you didn't care about me. That you were glad I broke up the engagement because you were looking for an excuse to break up with me, anyway.”
Tanner's gasp registered on some level, but she plunged on. “He grabbed me and tried to kiss me again. I pushed him away and he got angry. Told me I had been leading him on. That he'd always liked me and knew I always liked him.”
She heard her own voice grow flat, even and monotone as she dealt out the facts like cards from a deck.
“He kissed me and I told him not to. He began pulling on my hair, grabbing it. I pulled away, tried to run away but he caught me. Then I tried to fight him off, but he was stronger than me. He threw me down on the groundâ”
“Enough.”
Tanner's voice resounded like a shot in the shop. Keira flinched, but stayed where she was, staring blindly ahead, seeing only the vivid memories that she had kept suppressed so long, now flooding her mind.
Tanner jerked away from her and jumped to his feet, pacing back and forth in front of her.
She stayed where she was, reminding herself what Dana, her counselor in Seattle, had told her again and again.
I didn't ask for it. It's not my fault.
But the anger rolling off Tanner as he strode back and forth in front of her, keeping his distance, detonated doubts and second thoughts. Did he believe her? Did he think she asked for it?
What did you expect? You throw this bomb at him about the brother who he would do anything for. Did you think he would wrap his arms around you and tell you that it's all okay? That all is forgiven? You're not the sweet innocent girl he proposed to?
She slowly got to her feet, her movements wooden and stiff. She couldn't look at him because she didn't want to see the condemnation in his face. Didn't want to see his disappointment and his anger. How often hadn't he told her how much he loved her innocence?
Not so innocent anymore.
She walked slowly to the hook that held her coat, Sugar right at her heels. She pulled her coat off the hook and slipped it on, her hands clumsy, her movements uncoordinated.
All the while Tanner kept a distance between them. It was only a few feet but it may as well have been a yawning chasm. He didn't want her anymore. How could he?
She shot a quick glance at him and then said, “I think you better go.”
Without another word she pulled her hood up, tugged open the door and, with her faithful companion, Sugar, trotting behind her, left the shop.
Left Tanner.
It was over.
Chapter Thirteen
H
e couldn't think. Couldn't process. Thoughts, reactions, memories clashed in his mind, a fierce battle he couldn't control.
David. With Keira.
Lies and mistruths and devastation.
David. Hurting Keira.
He hadn't let her finish her story, but he didn't have to. He knew what happened because he knew what Keira had done after. She ran.
It was as if everything that had happened the past six years finally all fell into its proper place. The questions were answered, but at what cost?
I think you better go.
Her words still cut through him like a knife. She didn't want him around and who could blame her? He was the very embodiment of everything that had ruined her life. His brother was the one who had stolen her innocence and it was his brother who he had dedicated this entire season to. Everything he'd worked for all wrapped up in a lie.
This whole year, his whole driving force was making up for the guilt of the death of his brother.
It was all a lie.
He grabbed his neck, not knowing what to do or what to think. He needed to get control of his emotions. He sucked in a deep, long breath and then he saw it. David's saddle.
It was finished, looking as new as it had when David first proudly showed it to Tanner. And Keira had been the one to fix it.
How could she have, after what David had done to her?
I asked her, pleaded with her to work on it. How could I?
Tanner stared at it a long moment, his thoughts whirling.
Tomorrow morning he was leaving to compete in the National Finals using this very saddle. Keira had adjusted it so that it fit him better than it had fit David.
He had hoped a win would do what the past couple of years of working and praying hadn't been able to. Eradicate the guilt he felt over David's death.
Give him some kind of deliverance, some way of connecting with Alice and receiving her forgiveness.
His whirling thoughts settled on Alice and the expectations she had heaped on his shoulders moments ago. If he won...
If he made it...
He stared at the saddle, his frustration and fury with his brother growing every minute, a fury that had no outlet because the man he wanted to beat to a pulp for what he had done to the woman he loved was beyond his reach. David was already dead. Tanner grabbed the saddle and in one furious heave pitched it against the door of the shop. It landed against the door with a dull thud and then bounced on the floor. Tanner strode over to it, lifted his booted foot and stomped on it. Hard. Then again. And again. He wanted to destroy it.
The symbol of his guilt and loss held other, more ominous meanings.
He took out his fury on the saddle.
Minutes later, sweat was dripping down his forehead and blood seemed to cloud his vision as he gasped for air.
How could you? How could you?
He stared at the now-destroyed saddle, feeling cheated. That was too easy. It wasn't enough. A blind fury still held him in its thrall.
He grabbed the saddle and ran out into the dark to his truck. He tossed the saddle into the box and yanked open the truck door. Jumping in, he twisted the keys in the ignition. He didn't wait for it to warm up. Instead he slammed it into Reverse, tromped on the accelerator as he spun the truck backward, the exhaust momentarily obscuring his vision. Then he whirled the steering wheel around, slapped the gearshift into first gear and with a roar, tore out of the yard. He needed space to think, to process and clear his head.
He needed to get out onto the open road.
He needed to get rid of David's saddle. Take it as far away from Keira and Refuge Ranch as he could.
* * *
Keira stood by the window of her bedroom, watching the blink of Tanner's taillights as his truck sped out of the yard and down the driveway.
She rocked back and forth a moment, trying to find a center of peace and control.
But it eluded her.
I shouldn't have told him.
The insidious words wound themselves around her like a serpent.
If I had kept it to myself, he would still be here.
But she knew that sooner or later the secret would make itself known. And the longer she kept it to herself, the more harmful and dangerous the fallout would have been.
I should have told him sooner.
Keira dismissed that thought, as well. She hadn't been ready to tell him now; what would it have been like to tell him earlier?
Hugging herself against an all-pervasive chill, she turned away from the window and trudged to her bed. She should go downstairs and help Alice and her mother. And what? Tell them what happened? Talk to Alice, the woman who had almost made her want to explode when she said that Tanner would never be the man David was? Explain that because of the evil her son had done to her Tanner had left in such a rush?
A band of pain constricted her heart.
Tanner.
The look of shocked horror on his face jolted into her mind and her legs gave way under her. She dropped onto her bed and pressed her hot, tear-streaked face into her hands.
She'd thought she was done crying over what David had done. Those years in Seattle, when she was floundering, trying to find her way past the horror and the shame of an event that sundered her life, she thought she had wrung every possible tear out of her eyes.
But here they were again. Only this time it wasn't David's actions that caused her sorrow. It was the result of them. Her changing feelings for Tanner had made her vulnerable again. Had created this turmoil of emotions and pain and loss.
Tanner was gone.
She pressed the heels of her hands against her hot eyes, willing the anger and the humiliation away. She waited a moment, trying to still her heart, slow her thoughts.
Nothing has changed from two weeks ago,
she reminded herself.
You're in the same place.
But she wasn't the same person. She had tasted the sweetness of a reunion with the only man she had ever loved. She'd experienced hope, had dared to look into the future. Her life had expanded and blossomed. Tanner filled a hole in her life that had been empty since she left him.
She couldn't go back.
She tugged a few tissues out of the box beside her bed, wiped her eyes and hands. Then she picked up her Bible and turned back to the passage she had bookmarked with an old letter Tanner had given her years ago. His version of a valentine. Isaiah 43.
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.”
She clung to the words, letting God's strength and love seep into her soul. The waters had swept over her and had sent her running to Seattle. She'd found a job and had turned her back on God. But He had not turned his back on her. A regular customer at the diner where she worked convinced Keira to come to her church. It was there she met a woman who was a crisis counselor, who seemed to recognize the unspoken pain and guilt in Keira's life. She'd persuaded Keira to see her for counseling. It was in her office, with her prayers and support, that Keira had received strength. When she'd heard that David died, she'd been ready to come back. Dana, the counselor, had encouraged Keira to talk to her parents and tell them what happened.
But when Keira came back to Refuge Ranch, she found she couldn't. They were so happy to see her. They'd already had so much trouble with Lee and Heather that she didn't dare add to their burden.
So she'd kept it to herself.
Now Tanner knew and look how that turned out.
Yet, in spite of that, she felt a certain lightness to her soul. The secret was out and in spite of the painful consequences, for the first time in years she felt as if a burden had shifted off her shoulders. For better or worse, someone else carried it now. And after telling Tanner, she knew it would be easier to tell her parents.
Keira turned the page in the Bible, her eyes resting on the words that had given her strength over and over again. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.”
See, I am doing a new thing!
She looked straight ahead, letting herself rest in the comfort of those words. She had to look ahead.
Her heart stuttered and her throat thickened. Ahead? To what?
But she caught herself. God was her refuge and strength. He had swept away her sins like a morning mist. He had redeemed her.
She had to remember that no matter what other people thought, God knew her name. God knew her heart. God loved her exactly as she was right now. It didn't matter where she was or whom she was with. She would always have God's love and forgiveness.
Help me to keep my thoughts on You, Lord,
she prayed, pressing her fingers against eyes aching from crying.
Help me to trust in You and to know that Your love is perfect and complete. Help me to know that in You is peace and rest no matter where I am.
Unbidden her thoughts went to Alice. David. Tanner's father. She had harbored so much anger against all of them and it had defined her life the past few years.
She needed to forget the former things in more ways than one, she realized with a start. But could she? And how?
Help me to forgive.
She waited a moment, as if to let that last prayer solidify. She had come back to Refuge Ranch only when she found out that David was gone. Only then did she feel safe. But at the same time, in spite of being home, she still felt as if something was missing in her life.
Then Tanner had come back and she realized how much he still meant to her.
She felt a jolt of sorrow and then, on it's heels, the reminder that God's love was constant and ever present.
With that in mind she got up and went down the stairs to her parents and their questions.
The first person she saw was Alice. She had a tea tray and was carrying it from the kitchen into the living room. She looked up when she saw Keira and her expression hardened. “How are you feeling?” she asked, her voice holding a sting that created a mixture of sorrow and anger in Keira.
But she ignored Alice, and continued walking down the stairs. Her parents, sitting in their chairs flanking the fireplace, looked up when she came in, their expressions full of concern blended with curiosity.
What do I tell them? What do I say?
She clung to the moment of peace she had felt only a few moments ago and, knowing that her parents loved her, she sat herself down beside her mother.
“So, you know we're going to ask what's happening,” her mother said, her voice strained from a combination of stress, Keira presumed, and from the weariness that usually hit her this time of the day.
“Where's Tanner?” Alice asked.
“He's gone. I don't know where he is.”
“Did you try to text him? Is he leaving for Vegas?” Her words were like sharp stabs and Keira wound her hands around each other, holding in her frustration.
Help me to forgive her, Lord,
she prayed.
She probably doesn't know what happened.
“Alice, I think we should let Keira say what she wants or needs to say,” Monty said quietly, but firmly. “In fact, do you want to be alone with us?” Monty continued, turning to Keira, his gentle loving tone pushing at her resolve.
Keira knew what she had to say would tear apart the foundations of Alice's world, as well. And while she didn't care for Alice that much, she couldn't do that to her.
“I think it would be best,” she said.
Alice huffed a moment, but then got up. “I'll be in my bedroom,” she said, her face pinched with disapproval. Then she left, her footsteps echoing down the hallway leading to the bedroom across from her parents'.
Keira waited to hear the door shut behind her, then eased out a sigh, her hands still clasped tightly together.
“This is really hard,” she said, forcing herself to speak quietly. Calmly. “It has to do with why Tanner left. And you also need to know. I'm scared.” She took a deep breath, getting herself centered, ready. Then she felt her mother's hand cover hers.
“You never have to be afraid to tell us anything. You are our daughter and we love you. Unconditionally.”
Her mother's voice was warm with love and caring, but Keira also caught a thread of fear. As if her mother had hoped that surely, one of their three children could have come this far unscathed by life's disappointments.
“I know that. And you need to know that I'm...I'm...sorry.” She sent up another quick prayer and then she told them everything she had told Tanner.