Authors: Ruth Logan Herne
Chapter Fourteen
T
anner knew he shouldn't be driving. It was late and he was tired.
But what else could he do? He couldn't go back to the ranch and face Keira. Not after what she'd told him. Not after he'd been going on and on about how he was going to dedicate this season to his brother.
No wonder she wanted him gone.
He stared at his headlights illuminating the darkened road. Vegas was still a twelve-hour drive away. He wouldn't get there tonight.
But once he hit the open road, he couldn't stop. He needed to clear his head, to find a place in his mind for what Keira had told him. To figure out if he still had a place in her life.
She didn't want him around and he didn't blame her. He didn't deserve to be around her, either.
His thoughts jumped back and forth between the year he'd just spent seeking a way to make peace with the guilt that drove him so hard. Guilt over the death of a man he didn't know anymore.
David had been his brother.
And he'd done this horrible thing to the woman he loved.
How was he supposed to carry on? And yet, what else could he do? He felt as if the events of the past year inexorably drew him on to Vegas. The end of his long journey.
The original plan had been for him to leave tomorrow anyhow, headed down a journey that was the culmination of a year's work. He'd made so many sacrifices to do this. His health, his business, any kind of personal lifeâall pushed aside and neglected for this one goal.
The memory of David had been with him every time he'd strapped David's saddle on the heaving sides of a bronc. Every time he climbed on and got himself ready. Every time he got hurt and got up and rode again.
Every win that took him closer to absolving him of the guilt that haunted him from the moment he'd gotten that phone call.
And then Alice, telling him that the future of the ranch also hung on an eight-second ride.
What was he going to do about that?
Trouble was, he knew he couldn't go back, not after what Keira had said.
Why should she want him around, a daily reminder of what had happened?
But another part of him knew that wasn't entirely true. They'd had some wonderful times together the past few days. Each moment he was with her he felt as if he had come back to where he belonged.
But how could he face her when the main reason he'd come to her ranch was for her father to fix the saddle of the man who had hurt her so badly. All so he could finish a year dedicated to that same man.
For now, he had no other place to go and nothing else to do so he kept driving and, when he hit the interstate, he turned his truck toward the road that would take him to Vegas.
* * *
“Hey, Sugar, what do you think? Felt good to get out, didn't it?” Keira petted her dog on the head, then unwound the scarf she'd had wrapped around her neck and head.
Last night, after telling her parents about David, they had prayed together, cried together, then Keira had retreated to her bedroom. After a fitful night she awoke as soon as the sun was up and went for a walk.
She had just returned, but instead of going to the house to face her parents and Alice, she had come here to the shop, hoping to lose herself in her work.
She hung up her scarf and coat, shivering as she walked over to the furnace to turn it up. As she did, her foot scuffed a piece of metal that clanged off the base of the workbench. Puzzled, she picked it up and her heart dropped.
A D ring from a saddle. The only saddle she'd been working on the past while was David's.
She closed her eyes, took in a few long, slow breaths to still her roiling emotions.
You are all I need, Lord. You know who I am. You know my name.
She tossed the ring in the garbage. It made a ting on the metal and Sugar walked over as if to investigate. he gave a short whuff, trotted back to his dog bed and dropped onto it, head resting on his paws.
“Yeah, that's the last we'll see of David's saddle,” Keira said to her dog as she walked around the workbench to the stack of leather.
She squeezed her fists, trying not to think of Tanner. She knew he was leaving for Vegas and why would that change? He had a job to do. Besides, she had been the one who had told him to leave.
Again, she pushed the thoughts aside and started working. The monotony of laying out and cutting the same patterns again and again, the snick of the scissors through the thick leather and then, the steady tempo of the sewing machine as she worked created a rhythm that banked the worst of her pain.
She knew it would come back, but for now her work kept her mind busy enough to reduce Tanner to a shadow in the background.
She worked all through lunch, ignoring the rumblings of her stomach; thankful her father had left her alone for now.
But then, later in the afternoon, the door of the shop creaked open and Sugar let out a welcoming bark.
Keira couldn't help it. Her heart jumped with hope and she spun around. But it was only her father stepping inside.
“Hey, you. Guessed you wanted to be left alone, but I needed to see how you're doing.” He kept his distance, as if waiting to see what she needed.
Keira tamped down her foolish reaction, and the unwelcome disappointment that followed it. “I'm trying to catch up in time for the next show. Thanks for asking.” She gave him a tight smile. “I know this is hard news for you, but I've been living with it for the past five years.”
“I know, but still...” He let the sentence drift off as he came closer then stopped by the workbench, restacking some of the leather pieces that had slipped off the pile. He cleared his throat and Keira steeled herself for whatever it was he had to tell her.
“You need to tell Alice,” Monty said.
“Tell her what?” Keira snipped an errant thread and set the piece she'd been working on aside.
Monty sighed. “I'm not sure. But I believe she needs to know. Not to show her what a snake David was, but to let her see that she's been wrong to treat Tanner as she has.”
“Do you think telling her what David did to me will change that?”
Monty sighed. “I don't know. I just feel so strongly about what has happened to Tanner. I want to make it right. Everyone in the valley knows it wasn't right for Tanner to be skipped over.”
Keira looked down at her hands, absently pushing back a cuticle as she considered what her father told her. “She might not believe me,” Keira said, stating the other possibility. “And I can't face that.”
“I understand, honey. But I do believe parents know when their kids did right and when they did wrong.”
“Do you believe Lee ran over Abby Newton's father? Do you believe he did what he was accused of?”
Her father's gaze narrowed and for a moment Keira felt she had overstepped her boundaries. “He was in the driver's seat of his truck when the sheriff found him. He was tried by a judge and found guilty,” was her father's evasive reply.
Keira looked away. “Well, I don't believe he did it, regardless of what Cornell Newton said he saw. Why would Alice think any different if I told her what David did? It would be my word against the memory of a son she spoiled and idealized. No eyewitnesses at all.”
The only sound in the silence that followed her words was the deep breathing of Sugar, oblivious to the upheavals in the lives of his masters.
“Another thing, I know I'm supposed to be forgiving,” Keira continued. “I want to forgive her and...David. But it's so hard. I know that lack of forgiveness had kept me away from church for a while and I don't want what happened to me to define my life. If I can't forgive her or David, I feel like what happened will always be attached to me. Like a barnacle I can't get rid of.”
Her father walked over to her, knelt down beside her and gave her a quick, hard hug. “Don't carry that weight so hard, my dear. God knows how you are feeling about this. He understands your pain and He knows how hard it can be to forgive. This is a huge thing you've had to deal with. Forgiving this is going to take time and that's good. To forgive too quickly is to skip over the process of healing you need to go through and to minimize this horrible thing that happened.”
Keira rested her head against her father's shoulder. “Thanks, Daddy,” she whispered. “How did you get to be so wise?”
“Not so wise, honey,” he said, and Keira heard the regret in his voice. “If I was wise I would have seen what was going on. I might have intervened when you and Tanner were fighting, made room on the ranch for you both. I guessed I had kept hoping Alice would do the right thing.” Then Monty pushed himself to his feet. “Which is why Alice needs to know.”
“Maybe, but even if I tell her and she agrees to do the right thing, what difference will that make?” she asked, suddenly weary and wrung out. “Tanner's gone. I doubt he's coming back.”
“Don't ever underestimate that man,” he said quietly. “He'll do what's right.”
Monty laid his hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, catching the sorrow in his eyes. “I always said I didn't want to be the kind of person who was blind to his children's faults. Heather and Lee haven't made good choices. Lee was living a life that didn't honor God or us, and Heather always went her own way. Maybe you made a couple of bad choices, too, but you, of all my children, did not deserve to have this horribleâ” his hand tightened on her shoulder a minute, then released “âhorrible thing happen to you. And if it was my son who did it, I would want to know.”
Keira's only response was a tight nod.
“We're going to eat supper in a few minutes, then we're watching the National Finals. Just thought I would warn you.”
“Thanks,” was all she said. “I'll see how I feel.”
Monty patted her once more on the shoulder, then left.
Keira sat a moment, staring into space, her heart aching. She didn't want to watch Tanner compete but at the same time, part of her wanted to have a different picture in her mind than of the anger in his face.
She wanted to see him smile.
Wanted one good memory to tuck away for the time ahead.
Chapter Fifteen
“L
et's leave the dishes until after,” Ellen said as she looked at the clock on the wall behind Keira. Dinner was over and Keira got up to start clearing. “The finals are about to start.”
“You watch.” Keira shooed her parents and Alice away. “I'll take care of this.”
Her father, never the most eager dishwasher, gave her a grin of thanks and scurried off to the living room.
“But aren't you coming?” her mother asked, as she slowly got to her feet.
“It won't take long,” Keira assured her. “I'll join you when I'm done.”
Her mother gave her an understanding smile and followed Alice into the living room.
Keira took her time stacking plates and rinsing them, torn between the need to protect her heart and the desire to see Tanner one more time.
Pain stabbed her chest and she faltered, thinking of the emptiness that yawned ahead of her. Then she caught herself and straightened.
Please help me through this, Lord,
she prayed.
Help me get through this hard, harrowing pain. Help me to know that You are my all in all.
She was finally finishing up when she heard Alice call out, “Keira, it's starting.”
Does she have any idea of what she's doing to me?
Keira thought, snapping the tea towel she had dried the pots with. She fought down her anger but then, when she heard the music starting up and announcers talking, she walked over to the entrance of the living room and stood in the doorway.
On the television hanging on the wall at right angles to her parents' chairs she saw two smiling announcers in cowboy hats and Western shirts superimposed over the yawning arena behind them, packed with spectators. They were talking about the opening of the NFR, who was headlining the venues, the many sponsors of this showâall just talk to fill up space until the opening ceremonies.
Keira leaned against the doorway, her heart hurrying as she felt the anticipation building. She used to watch Tanner compete whenever she could and each time she'd felt this same sense of dread mingled with nervous excitement.
The announcers thanked the sponsors again and talked for a while about the history of the NFR. Keira was about to leave when, behind them, she saw the competitors entering the ring in preparation for the opening ceremonies. There were so many competitors, she thought as she leaned forward trying to see if she could catch Tanner his gray hat pulled low over his face. But the cowboys and cowgirls on horseback behind the announcers were too small to see as they lined up.
“Surprising news tonight coming from the saddle bronc field of competitors,” the announcer was saying. Keira's heart flipped again. “It's been a tight race all year but for a while it looked like Cole Butler had first place locked up coming into this competition. Now, Cole, as you know, broke his ankle,” the one announcer said, frowning at the other. “So that put Kyle Redenbauch and Tanner Fortier in tight competition for first place. But this afternoon we got some huge news.”
“Yes, Dick, apparently we've had a major upset today in the field,” the other announcer said, looking directly at the camera. “One of the heavily favored contenders, Tanner Fortier, has bowed out of the competition.”
“What?”
“No.”
Monty and Alice called out at the same time.
Keira could only stare at the television, the mouths of the announcers still moving as she tried to absorb what they were saying.
Tanner? Dropped out of the competition?
“We had heard that he was on some type of quest this year in honor of his brother, David, who, as you know, died tragically two years ago,” Dick was saying, “We had hoped to talk to Tanner about it, but he wasn't available for an interview earlier and then, an hour later we got the official announcement.”
The other announcer shook his head in surprise. “Apparently it had nothing to do with an injury. The only information we got was that he told a fellow competitor he couldn't finish this. That he had something more important to do.”
“Cryptic comments from a cryptic cowboy,” the other announcer said. “Tanner's the kind of guy who plays his cards close to his chest. So we might never find out why he ducked out now when this title was his for the taking.” Then the announcer paused, looking back over his shoulder. “And it looks like we're getting ready for the openingâ”
“What is Tanner thinking?” Alice proclaimed. “How could he do this?”
Keira didn't know what to think.
Then a knock on the door just off the kitchen behind her gave her a start. She walked to the porch, still trying to absorb what had happened.
She opened the door. And her heart stopped.
Tanner stood outside, his hat in his hand, his eyes clinging to hers.
“I couldn't do it,” was all he said.
* * *
Keira was staring at him, a dish towel slung over her shoulder, her eyes wide, her mouth hanging open, her hair pulled back in an untidy ponytail.
Looking even more beautiful than he had ever imagined. His heart thudded in his chest and the prayers that he had sent up all the way here coalesced into this moment.
Please, Lord, let her take me back.
“What are you doing here? What... How...?” she stammered, twisting the dish towel in her hands.
“Can I come in?” He wasn't sure how to handle her, what to say. He felt as if he had to be so careful with her and yet, she held his eyes, her gaze steady.
“Of course.” She stood aside and he stepped inside the porch, pulling his boots off, shrugging off his coat. The porch was warm compared to the chill of his truck and he shivered a moment as he pulled his hat off.
“Why are you here? We were just watching the opening ceremonies. They said you left.”
“I couldn't compete,” he said quietly, keeping his eyes fixed on hers, praying, hoping she would hear him out. “After what you told me about David, it didn't matter anymore. I couldn't do that to you, so I left.”
He didn't know if it was his wayward, hungry heart that caught a look of yearning in her expression. But the fact that she hadn't moved away from him, the fact that her eyes seemed to cling to his gave him the encouragement to move close enough that the scent of her perfume teased his nostrils. His heart plunged and he had to fight his own hunger to pull her into his arms.
“But what about your plan to dedicate this year to David?”
“David had no right to have anything done in his memory.”
Her lips trembled and he saw moisture welling up in her eyes. “You gave up your whole year?”
He just shook his head, her sorrow unmanning him. Again, anger gripped his soul and again he had to push it down. He didn't want her to be afraid of him.
“The competition, the past year, all meant nothing. If I couldn't have you with me, then I didn't want to have anything else.” He drew in a long, slow breath, encouraged by the fact that she hadn't stepped away from him. That she was still looking at him. “I know you told me to leave, and I tried,” he said, keeping his voice quiet, like he would with a scared filly. “But I can't stay away from you. I'm hoping, with time, we can get through this. I don't want to give up on us. I love you.”
“Tanner,” she breathed, her hands lifting toward him. “I don't want to give up on us, either.”
Her words were like a drink of water to a man dying of thirst. He took a quick step, closing the distance between them. He wrapped one arm around her, and nudged her chin up with his knuckle. Her eyes sparkled with tears and one slowly tracked down her cheek. He thumbed it away. “I want to kiss you,” he said quietly. He wasn't sure how to deal with her. He felt as if he had to be careful, cautious.
“You don't need to ask,” she said, rising up to meet him.
Their lips met, and Tanner felt as if all the broken places of his life had finally become whole.
He slowly drew back again. “I love you,” was all he could say. “I've always loved you.”
Keira blinked and another tear escaped. “I don't think I've ever stopped loving you. I missed you so much.”
“Oh, Keira, the years we've lost.” He had to fight another surge of anger at his brother and what he had done to both of them. “David... I can't begin to say... I'm so sorry.”
She stopped him with another kiss. “It wasn't your fault.”
“And my father and Alice. I'm trying so hard not to be angry with them.” He drew in a sharp breath. “I wish I had known. I wish you had told me.” Then he stopped there, realizing he was putting yet another burden on her shoulders. “I wished I could have helped you.”
She touched his lips, her smile holding a note of melancholy. “I should have trusted that you wanted to take care of me. I was just so ashamed. So scared of what you might think.”
Tanner sighed, cradling his face in hers. “What you should have been scared of is what I would have done to David had I known.”
She pressed a finger to his lips. “I don't want to talk about David anymore.”
“I know. I just wished I would have paid more attention to you. Listened more.”
“You're not the only one,” she said. “We should have talked more and fought less. Stopped, each of us, trying to impose our will on the other. I should have been willing to give up being here to be with you. I know I've spent enough time being angry. I know that it's taken up too much of my past. I don't want it to be part of our future.” She drew away, her finger trailing down his face and resting on a button of his shirt. “I know I've always said I would never leave Saddlebank, but I missed you so much.” Then, to his surprise, she added, “And if it means that I have to leave Refuge Ranch so that we can be together, then so be it. I'd sooner be in Sheridan with you than in Saddlebank alone.”
Tanner could only stare, knowing what those words cost her. He wanted to assure her that wouldn't be the case, but he knew he couldn't.
“We'll see what the future brings,” he said. “I wish I could promise you all the things I want toâ”
She stopped him. “I do, too. But I don't want to be apart again. It hurts too much.”
He kissed her again, wishing, praying, they could find a way through this.
“I want to help you. I want to be here for you,” was all he could say.
“You're here now and that's all that matters.”
“Who you talking to?” Monty called from the living room, thundering into the moment. “Who came to the door?”
“Here we go,” Tanner breathed.
“I guess we'll have to face them sooner or later,” Keira said, giving him another kiss.
Then he took her hand and leading the way, walked back through the kitchen to the living room.
The first thing Tanner saw was the back of Alice's head leaning forward, facing the television. Ellen and Monty sat in their chairs, staring at the screen. He heard the thunder of the music as lights flashed. All part of the opening ceremonies.
“We were just watching...the program...” Keira stopped, clinging to his hand.
“Bring whoever is out there in here,” Monty called out, a touch of asperity in his voice, eyes glued to the television.
Though Tanner had foolishly hoped he might catch Keira on her own, he knew if he came to the house he would have to face everyone all at once.
May as well get it over and done with. Time with Keira would have to wait.
“It's Tanner,” Keira announced.
Monty looked over, puzzled, then surged to his feet, staring. “Tanner Fortier, what in the world are you doing here?” he boomed.
Alice spun around on the couch, her mouth a perfect O of shock. She looked from the screen back to Tanner, then to the television again as if she hoped, by some trick of technology, he would still show up on the screen and compete.
“I'm sorry, Alice,” he said to his stepmother, needing to get that out of the way. “I couldn't compete. Not knowing what David did.”
“Tanner,” Keira whispered from behind. “She doesn't know.”
Tanner spun around. “You didn't tell her?”
“I couldn't. Not yet.”
He wanted to ask her more, but then Monty was at his side, hand on his shoulder. “You didn't go through with it? All your hard workâ”
“It's over,” Tanner said quietly.
“Why aren't you competing? Why aren't you there?” Alice's voice took on a shrill tone as she came around the couch. “After what you said... Why did you quit? Doesn't David mean anything to you?”
Tanner straightened and held Alice's glare. “No. He doesn't.”
“How can you say such a thing?”
To Tanner's surprise, he thought she would be angrier, but as she looked at him, he caught a glimpse of sorrow. As if, on some level, she knew.
“I think we should discuss this in the study,” Monty said.
“No, this is between me and my son,” Alice said quietly, but Tanner heard the thread of steel in her voice.
“Actually, all of us here are affected,” Tanner said. “Though I don't know if Ellen needs to be involved.” He was fairly sure, from the way she was looking from Keira to Alice, that she knew what had happened. He just didn't want her to witness any drama that might ensue.
“I'm fine,” Ellen protested. “I'm not some orchid that needs pampering. Sit down here if you need to talk things out. I know what's been happening.”
Alice was still looking at him, as if she didn't know what to make of him.
Tanner wasn't sure what to think, but with Keira at his side, still holding his hand, he found it didn't matter anymore what Alice thought.
“Okay, then, let's sit down.”
Monty led the way and Tanner, still holding Keira's hand, walked over to the love seat. He glanced at Keira, and squeezed her hand. Whatever happened now, come what may, at least he and Keira were together. They could face this, together.