Love Me Like That (37 page)

“I’m here. Have her parents been called?” I pinch the bridge of my nose at the first sign of a major headache that is about to hit me.

“Yes. Kadin, you need to make sure you go to the police department tomorrow no matter what happens with the sister tonight.” He says.

“I’ll be there first thing in the morning,” I promise before ending the call.

I’m numb and decide on the way back to the lawyer’s office that I’m in no position to seek London out. As hard as it is I know I have to get all of this mess cleaned up once and for all before I see her again. I bypass the turn for Bland & Platt and head back to my house. The next few days may possibly be some of the worse I’ll ever have to face.

“So. Today’s the big day.”

I narrow my eyes at Jillian across the table of the café. “Today is not a big day.”

“You’re going on a date with Justin right?” She says.

“We are having dinner. As friends. That doesn’t make today a big day.” I correct her.

She’s been hounding me all week about agreeing to go out with my boss. I think she’s more excited about it than I am.

“When is it?” She asks then stuffs a bite of chicken salad in her mouth.

“He was going to pick me up at the house later this evening, but we decided to go ahead and leave from work.” I sip my water and watch her stuff her face.

Taking a break from her food binge she says, “Is that why you’re dressed extra nice today?” She angles her fork at my new dress.

“I’m not extra nice today. My stomach has gotten too big for my old clothes, so I’m wearing my new maternity clothes.” I explain. “Wait. Do you think he’ll think I’m more dressed up than usual just for him?”

She grins at me in response.

“Shit,” I mumble.

I don’t want him to think that; I don’t want him to read too much into the evening. Honestly, I was feeling incredibly fat when my clothes seemed to be shrinking at an alarming rate, so I bought extra dressy clothes at the maternity shop to help me feel better about myself. I still feel like a plumped up cow, but at least now I look like a nicely dressed cow.

“It’s no big deal. It’s like you guys think alike. Did you notice the new suit he’s decked out in today?” I had noticed the new suit, and I have to admit he looks incredibly handsome in it.

I kick myself once again for holding onto a past that isn’t a possibility. Justin Bland, I’ve come to realize, is an insanely great catch. His personality now, including all of the kindness and nurturing behaviors, is exactly how it was when I first started. I’d thought there was no way a man was that sweet and knew he’d change over time, but he hasn’t. He’s one of the most genuine men I’ve ever met and I kick myself every time he smiles at me that all I feel for him is friendship.

“He’s dressed very nice today,” I agree with her.

“Nice? Are you blind or do you just like to be obstinate? That man is hot as fuck, and you’re crazy for not jumping on that,” she tells me with mild annoyance in her voice.

I look away from her and don’t respond. I know she’s right, but I’m not going to act like I have feelings for him other than the platonic acceptance of his good looks. I refuse to pretend to care when I don’t. I’ve been on the receiving end of that fake affection, and it’s not something I’ll ever do purposely to another person.

“I should just cancel,” I say distractedly.

“You do that, and I’ll shoot you.” She holds her fingers up in the shape of a gun and flexes her thumb in mock firing.

“You look beautiful today,” Justin whispers in my ear as he guides me to his car. The hand he has on the small of my back is comforting and feels protective all at the same time.

“Thank you. You’re exceptionally handsome today as well.” I wonder if I should’ve said that, and I want to groan, knowing I’ll second guess everything I say tonight in fear that he’ll take it to mean more than it actually does. He winks at me and closes my door once I’ve settled into the passenger seat.

I take a few calming breaths as he makes his way to the front of the car and smile softly as he gets in behind the wheel. I ignore the soft music playing through the sound system as we drive to whatever restaurant he’s chosen for this evening.

In true ‘only the best for Justin Bland’ fashion he’s pulled up outside of one of Spokane’s swankiest restaurants, something I’d expected, hence the super nice dress. He gets out, handing his keys to the valet and walks around and opens my door for me, offering me assistance with an outstretched hand.

Within moments of walking through the double glass doors, we’re seated in a quiet corner near the back. I know we said this dinner was just friends, but it’s obvious Justin’s hoping I change my mind. I once again curse Kadin for stealing my heart; then I curse myself for leaving it behind with him months ago.

We sit perpendicular to one another rather than directly across from the other. If I’d even questioned the romantic feel of the restaurant, the candles on the table leave no room for doubt. I’m not uncomfortable about the situation yet, but I can feel the discomfort hovering right on the edge.

The waitress comes by and takes our drink and appetizer order. It isn’t until she leaves and I know I’ll have a few uninterrupted minutes to speak with him and try to manage his expectations.

“Justin,” I say and look at the candles with an arched eyebrow.

He holds his hands up like he had nothing to do with the romantic gesture. “London. I swear; the candles were not my doing.”

I look at him in disbelief. “Look around.” I sweep my head to the other tables, noticing not one of them has flowers and candles in the center. “This is the only table lit up like a runway.”

He laughs softly. “I promise. I had Jillian make the reservations. You know I’m not good at that stuff.”

I roll my lips inward between my teeth before I start a tirade on the woman who I was beginning to refer to as my best friend. Of course, she had a hand in this mess. I can tell he's truthful, and this is exactly something Jillian would do.

He bends his head forward and blows out the candles. I watch as the black smoke twirls to the ceiling. “Better?” His eyes are lit up with amusement.

“What?” I finally ask him when his face doesn’t change.

“I was wondering how long it would take before you said something about them,” I smirk at him.

He honestly knows me pretty well. I haven’t left much unsaid these last few months, taking a page out of Jillian’s book and deciding just to lay everything out there. If the thought came to my head and I had even the slightest urge to share it, it usually came out of my mouth. I was tired of keeping things bottled up inside.

“I just don’t want you to read too much into this dinner,” I repeat the words I said when we scheduled tonight after the waitress drops off our drinks and fried calamari.

“Believe me, London. I know exactly where I stand.” I’m saddened by the slight disappointment I see in his face.

A huge grin spreads across my face when I feel the sudden jolt in my stomach.

“You don’t have to look so happy about it,” he mutters.

I laugh gently. “I’m not smiling because of what you said. The baby just moved. I never get used to feeling it.” I place both of my hands on my stomach and wait for the next round of movement.

Justin holds out a tentative hand. “May I?”

I reach for his hand and place it on the spot I felt the last movement. His eyes go wide when the fluttering begins again. “That’s amazing,” he whispers as if he has to stay quiet or it will stop. “When do you find out what you’re having?” he asks without moving his hand.

“Week after next.” I honestly can’t wait. I haven’t bought one single thing for the nursery, and I’m anxious to get started.

“Do you have a preference?”

I shake my head no. “I just want to know so I can have everything ready when I bring him or her home.” It’s a lie of course. I want a daughter that looks exactly like Kadin. A son with his features would just be too hard, and I’d never be able to get over him, even though that prospect isn’t looking possible right now anyway.

He clears his throat and pulls his hand from my stomach. With complete sincerity in his eyes, he looks at me. “You don’t have to do this alone.”

I’m not surprised by his offering. He’s never given me one indication that his desire to date me excluded the child I’m carrying and what an amazing man for being willing to step up and take the place of an absent father.

“My life is too messed up, Justin. You deserve better.” I blink my eyes rapidly to keep the tears at bay. I’m well aware of what I’m turning down.

“What do you want, London?” I don’t know if he’s asking in general or in relation him and me.

“I wish things were different.” It’s a simple response to a loaded question.

“But they’re not.” His voice is soft and almost pleading, but it doesn’t carry an ounce of derision.

“I love him,” I respond.

“And if you can’t have him?”

“I’d rather do without.” I look up and watch him wince at my brutally honest answer.

“Forever?” He asks with a broken voice.

“For now,” I respond even though forever would’ve probably been more accurate.

Paramedics got Sierra to the hospital just in time. Her parents were upset when they found out she’d hurt herself again. They were devastated when she admitted to hospital staff that she’d set into motion the events that led to Savannah’s death. There’s a very slim chance that she will go to trial, but police assure me she’ll never see the outside of a mental hospital again.

I spent days dealing with the police, giving reports, and trying to come to terms myself with my anger at Sierra. For almost two years, I grieved over the loss of a woman to what we’d all thought was an accident. To find out her own sister murdered her? That brought on another wave guilt and shame. If everyone, including myself, didn’t dance around the fact that she was insane, Savannah would still be here.

My therapy session with Dr. Long yesterday focused on forgiveness. When I grew angered at her suggestion, she reminded me that forgiving myself for the things I couldn’t change were the first steps, and she understands that I’ll never be able to forgive others before I can do that first. She also reminded me that Savannah was just as guilty as anyone else for tip-toeing around her sister’s illness. Needless to say, it’s been an emotional week.

It’s Thursday, and I couldn’t wait another minute for London. I have no idea what she’ll say when she sees me, but I can’t live the rest of my life with the unknown.