Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) (27 page)

I feel a pair of warm arms slip around my waist. “I never could let that photo go,” he whispers in my ear. I turn and look up at him. I truly do see my future in his eyes. If he walks away now, he
will
destroy me.

“It was always you, Con.”

He smiles and grabs my chin, tilting my head back then he brings his lips down and touches mine while keeping his eyes staring straight into mine.

“I’ll always love you, precious. You should know that by now.”

I gulp and slide my eyes away looking to the floor.

“What’s wrong, Pea?” Con asks, his tone has changed to concerned.

“There are some things… some things I need to share with you,” I mutter.

I know I need to be brave. We can never truly be together while this sits in between us keeping us apart. I grab his hand and look up into his worried eyes.

“Come and sit down. This isn’t going to be easy to say, or hear, but I need to tell you.”

He nods and fear crosses his face.

We sit silently on the sofa for a few minutes. I’m trying to prepare what I’m going to say, not that you can really prepare for something like this. He’s obviously trying to work out what I could possibly want to say. Although, I’m fairly certain he won’t expect what’s coming next… ever.

“There’s something that I have kept a secret. Something I need to tell you if we’re really going to make a go of this,” I speak slowly not wanting to say the wrong thing.

He just watches me, waiting for the bombshell to drop.

“Okay, here goes… I’ve been pregnant before.”

His hand jolts in mine and his eyebrows pull into a frown.

“Actually just to be clear I’ve been pregnant twice,” I whisper and he stills. I don’t give him a chance to speak instead deciding to just get I all out quickly. “I lost the babies… both times… by miscarriage.”

Con unlocks his body and I watch his face soften, he squeezes my hand and I pull it from his, he frowns again and I twist my fingers around each other looking down at my lap. He still hasn’t said anything and I know it’s because he’s processing.

“I thought…” he suddenly says and it jerks me from my thoughts, his voice sounds croaky like he’s trying to hold it together. “I thought there has only ever been me?” I can see the hurt behind his eyes, he thinks I lied to him, which I did, just not about that.

He shakes his head “Doesn’t matter, baby. You are trying to tell me about a difficult time that’s happened in your past and I’m more worried about myself, imagining you with someone else… fuck I’m being a dick.” He lowers his head and I feel like a royal bitch.

I know he needs to do this for me, to let me vent and purge. I’m aware that he wants to know all the details of my life and he thinks that’s all I’m giving to him and in doing so he doesn’t want me to see his reaction to the hurt he feels for my lies. No doubt about being with someone else, and also about the fact that I was pregnant at all. “He’s such a great guy.”

“Only great with you, precious,” he grunts and grabs my hand again and I realise I said that last part out loud.

“Con.” I wait until he looks at me.
Be brave Pearson. All or nothing.
“The first time I found out I was pregnant with twins…” His eyes widen just enough that I notice. “It was a few weeks after I went abroad for my twentieth birthday.” I can see his eyes working and before he adds the pieces together I continue, “The second time was this year about a month or so after my birthday.” His whole body rocks and he pulls his hand from mine and stands up.

“You… you,” he starts and shakes his head. His whole body is vibrating and I’m not sure if it’s from anger or shock.

“You weren’t lying about it being only me were you?” his voice is quiet, deadly and his eyes flare. I guess my previous question is answered – he’s not vibrating from shock.

I shake my head no and he pinches the bridge of his nose and looks up at the ceiling.

“My babies?” he clips and I nod. “Twins and then another one.” I nod again and I feel tears slipping down my cheeks.

“Don’t turn on the fucking waterworks, Pearson,” he growls and I shy away from his rage.

“You were pregnant by me twice, and you never had the decency to tell me?” he shakes his head then shouts,
“Twice!”

“I’m sorry, Con.”

“What the fuck does sorry do now, huh? You left acting all high and mighty because you thought I’d fucked someone else. For years, I tried to win you back, tried to make you mine, and show you the promise of all that we could be.
Fucking Years!”
he roars. “All this time you had a huge secret that wasn’t yours to keep. They were my babies too. I had a right to know. We could’ve sorted things out, made things better. I could’ve been there for you, and we wouldn’t have been in this turmoil all this time.” He stops and then carries on almost to himself, “I wondered why you’d been so closed off for so long.” He stares at me and I see those same cold eyes from my dream this morning until he turns to look out of the window.

“Con, I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep your babies safe,” I whisper and he spins around and thunders, “
After all this fucking time, you think I blame you?
Is that what you’re worried about Pearson, huh? Well, don’t worry, I don’t blame you.” He shakes his head and looks down at his feet. “I thought you knew me better than that. Maybe we don’t know each other at all.” He storms past me and up the stairs and I sit silently for a moment trying to compose myself. I then hear him thunder down the stairs and into the garage. A moment later the car starts up and he races away from me.

I wait for a while, it must be at least an hour then I gather my stuff and get dressed back into my dress. I look at my mobile, but Con hasn’t called. I scroll down my contacts and wonder who to call early on a Saturday.

I press call and the phone rings.

“Pea?”

“I told him,” I say through sobs, “He’s gone.”

“Where are you?”

“At his house.”

“I’ll be there in five minutes,” he says and hangs up.

Five minutes later Saul hustles me into his car and takes me back to his place. He manages to put me to bed in his spare room, although it’s all kind of like a bad dream. I sob and he holds me.

“It’s okay, baby girl. It’s okay,” he says and then I drift away knowing I’m destroyed forever.

I screech my car to a halt and storm up to Murphy’s. If ever there was a time I needed to get my aggression out, it is now. I throw the door open and see Paddy in his office. He starts making his way to me, but I throw my hand up. “Not now Paddy,” I state and march on. I see him nod and sit back down.

I change into my shorts and forgo a top, I don’t have to hide away from pawing women in this gym. It’s all about the power, the speed and the stamina in here. Nobody cares how you look and they leave you to your own devices.

I bandage my hands and walk into the gym to warm up. Twenty minutes later and I’m kicking the shit out of a punching bag and feeling my aggression rise steadily to the surface. My phone chimes and I freeze for a second. I don’t know whether I want to look or not, I’m not sure whether a text from Pea will push me over this very sharp edge I’m currently balancing on.

“Fuck it,” I growl and bend to grab the phone. My eyebrows pinch when I see it’s a text from Saul.

Saul:
Con, what did you say to her? You’ve fucking broken her.

“What the fuck!” I roar, “I broke her?... Her?... and that fucker knew?”

I watch as people stop and stare, and when I glare at them they quickly turn and get back to what they were doing. I eye them for a moment, wishing one of them would start a fight so I could beat out the pure rage that’s flowing through my bloodstream right now.

I stand with my hands hanging at my sides for a moment and breathing through my nose, not knowing what to do. Then I text Saul back.

Me:
You knew?

He replies instantly.

Saul:
You know I did. You know me. Your brain is working it out right now, putting the pieces together.

Fuck, at least someone seems to know me. I think back to that conversation we had on the phone before I came back.
“She’s been through a lot. More than anyone knows. She hasn’t always dealt with things in the right way. You might have to move on from the past to get to the future you want.”

He was trying to tell me then. I don’t blame him, I know he’d never give away anyone’s secrets. I also know him well enough to be certain that he would’ve tried to get her to tell me. Still, it doesn’t detract from what she’s done.

I shake my head in disbelief and text back.

Me:
Yeah, you’re right. I know you wouldn’t have told me. But this is a head fuck bro.

Saul:
Maybe, but I thought you would’ve handled it better. What did you say?

Me:
I lost it. I didn’t mean to. She thought I cared about the fact that she lost my babies. After all these years Saul, that’s what she thinks of me.

Saul:
Fuck.

Me:
Yep.

Saul:
So what now?

I decide to call him.

“Con.”

“I don’t know what’s next, Saul? I just don’t know. I’m not sure I can ever look at her the same.”

“What do you mean?” he says in a whisper obviously he has her with him somewhere.

“She’s there!” I ask, but it’s not a question.

“Yeah, but she’s asleep in the spare bedroom.”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and sigh. “I used to look at her like she was precious. Like she held my future happiness in her eyes. It’s always been her, Saul. I got over the hurt I felt when she didn’t allow me to explain the cheating incident. She nearly broke me… you were there. You know. Still, this… this is more… bigger… she has just demonstrated that after all these years, she doesn’t know me at all. I just don’t know if I can ever see her the same. Maybe she needs someone else, someone who can treat her how she wants… needs to be treated.”

“Con, you don’t mean that. You love her. You’ll forgive her once you calm down and she explains.”

“I’m not sure that’s true anymore,” I admit to myself as much as to Saul.

I can hear him take a small intake of breath.

“Con, you can’t honestly believe that you’ll never see her in the same way. You can’t honestly believe you’ll be okay with her loving someone, and that someone not being you. You can’t really be ready to give up?”

I can hear the disbelief in his voice and my own cracks when I say, “I’m not sure I can love her anymore.”

“Just… don’t do anything. Have a couple of days to think things over, to decide what you want. Don’t bulldoze into this. Chill out bro and think.”

I nod my head. “Yeah, will do.”

“You at Murphy’s?” he asks, but he already knows the answer.

“At least someone knows me. Later,” I say then hang up with his, “later,” hanging in the air.

I gaze into the mirror at myself.

Why is it that through all of that, I can actually find it in me to forgive her for keeping it from me and move forward? But the part where she apologised about losing my babies… I can’t seem to move past it. I keep hearing it in my head, it’s going round and round in a loop. After all these years of knowing each other, being friends and lovers. I thought she knew me. I never thought she would for one second even feel the need to say that to me. I thought she knew me enough that the ridiculous idea that I thought she hadn’t been able to keep my babies safe would never even cross her mind. I thought we had the kind of love that lasts more than a lifetime. The kind of love that would feed our children and grandchildren. Epic love.

I guess as much as I don’t want to admit it, I was wrong. We don’t.

I turn back to the bag and feel my aggression rising again as I continue channelling my rage. The rage makes me feel and stops me slipping into oblivion.

I wake to silence and look around the room wondering where I am. My brain kicks in and so does the mornings activities. My stomach dips and for a second, I think I may throw up. I see from the clock that I’ve only been asleep for about thirty minutes, but my mouth feels furry. I get up and make my way over to the door, my head is pounding from all the crying. It’s taken its toll on me and I feel completely drained. I open the door slightly and hear murmuring.

“For fuck’s sake. You’d think the stupid shit would be able to get past this.” It’s Saul and it sounds like he’s mumbling to himself. Then his phone ringer chimes and I hear him answer it.

“Con.”

I should have known he would call him. If nothing else to let him know, I’m here and safe. I can’t help but eavesdrop though.

“What do you mean?” I hear Saul whisper, obviously hoping I don’t hear anything.

Then I hear him say, “Yeah, but she’s asleep in the spare bedroom.” That’s what he thinks. I wish I could hear the other side of the conversation. I know sometimes hearing only one side can be dangerous.

I catch my breath as I hear Saul say, “Con, you don’t mean that. You love her. You’ll forgive her once you calm down and she explains.”

It sounds like Saul sucks in his breath at whatever Con has just said and I feel panic rising up through my chest.

My worries are all confirmed next when Saul almost disbelievingly says, “Con, you can’t honestly believe that you’ll never see her in the same way? You can’t honestly believe you’ll be okay with her loving someone and that someone not being you? You can’t really be ready to give up?”

I feel myself crumple to the floor and my chest heaves out a sob.

“Just… don’t do anything, have a couple of days to think things over, to decide what you want. Don’t bulldoze into this. Chill out bro and think.” I don’t listen to anymore as my sobs come thick and fast and any hope I had of getting rid of my headache washes away with my tears.

I hear Saul quietly move to my room, his body jerks when he spots me a sobbing mess on the floor.

“You heard,” he says softly and sits on the floor next to me gathering me up in his arms.

“There’s no future without him,” I whimper.

“I know baby girl. Give him time, he’ll come round.” But for the first time in forever, I don’t trust Saul’s tone. The confidence and conviction he always has to his voice has disappeared and I don’t think anything will ever be right in my life again.