Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) (29 page)

I glance down at my phone. No messages or missed calls, but it is 7.05 p.m. I look around hoping that maybe he’s here, maybe he hasn’t spotted me. My eyes flit from table to table, but none of the people occupying them are
him
. I stare into my glass trying to keep it together and a lone tear escapes and plops into my drink. The person currently singing ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ finishes and the meagre crowd claps. Shifting on my stool, I hear the first few notes of ‘Iris’ by The Goo Goo Dolls start and I freeze.

Con used to sing this,
when he realised how much of an important role singing played in my life. How it made me feel like I was flying, releasing everything I had pent up inside of me. He did something that anyone who truly loves someone would try to do – involve themselves. So he joined me. Getting up on stage with me and then eventually on his own, sometimes even with Saul, when we could rope him in.

Con always sang this song to me. Back then I think it was more about the first part and how I made him feel. I look up at the stage and see him staring at me singing, his face blank, I think now it’s more about the second half of the song. More about me knowing him. Either way, he’s here and I can feel my palms getting sweaty and my heartbeat picking up.

When the song ends the crowd roars and he makes his way over to me, just as he arrives the announcer calls, “Pearson Amberry?”

Con looks down at me. “Go,” he says nodding to the stage.

I pull my shoulders back and decide to show him how I feel. I climb up onto the stage and clasp the mic, the music starts and I close my eyes for just a moment while I release the first few notes. And then I resolve myself, open my eyes and stare straight at Con, hoping he can see all the love I have for him in them. I let the words of Madonna’s ‘Rain’ flow hoping that it will pierce through the shell he has in place.

Before I realise it the song has finished. I exit the stage to applause and make my way over to him. We stare at each other for what feels like forever then he brings his hand up and brushes my stray hair behind my ear. I grab his hand before it leaves my face.

“I love you, Con. Always.” I can see the muscle in his cheek working and I have no idea what to expect.

“We need to talk, not here, come on,” he says, grabbing my hand and taking me outside. We cross the road to the seafront. As we near the sea, I stop and jerk his hand back in mine, he spins around and takes a step toward me.

“You’re the only person who has ever hurt me,” he says and I flinch at his words. “But you’re also the only person I’ve ever loved with every thread of my existence. You already own my past and there is no future where you don’t exist. Standing by my side, and laying in my bed. I want to look into your eyes every day and see the love I feel for you reflected back at me, I want to know that I’m everything you will ever want… ever need. I can’t fall at the first hurdle and let you down when you need me to stand next to you… to stand with you and help you fight for us. But precious, I’ll tell you now, you won’t need to fight because I’m yours. I always have been. And you’re mine. Permanently.”

The tears come in waves, matching the sea’s gentle noise and as I look up at him he wipes them away with his thumbs.

“I know I’ve been a dick.”

I try to shake my head no, to tell him that I was the one keeping the secrets, but he cups my face with his hands and holds me still.

“Yes, you should’ve told me. Yes, that hurt. I have gotten over that though and although I haven’t been in your shoes, I’m not so much of a dick that I don’t see how sometimes circumstances can overtake a particular situation. Of course, I expect you to be honest with me in future, but I don’t need to ask you to because I know that you will. The part I needed to come to terms with was you expecting me to be angry or blame you somehow for having the miscarriages. I dealt with it badly. After reflecting on the situation and a few shitty texts from Saul telling me to pull my head out of my arse, I realised that you were never questioning what you thought my reaction would be, not really... what you were really doing was projecting your fears onto me. You blame yourself, you always have.” He stops talking as a sob racks my body and I dip my head. He’s always known me so well, and this conversation is painful to say the least. He pulls me into a hug and continues talking into my hair, “What you have to realise is that you’re not to blame. Shit happens, and someone pays the price. I’ll always love you, as my person and as the mother of my unborn children.” He catches me as my legs give way and he lowers us both to the ground sliding me onto his lap. We sit there listening to both the sea and my gentle sobbing while he rubs my back and holds me.

Through my tears, I look up at him. “You’re everything I need to be free. You fill all my darkness and make me complete. I’ve loved you forever, and I’ll love you… always.”

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted, precious. Now, right here, I hold my world and I’ll continue to hold you always… that’s a promise.”

I can feel the floor hard and cold on my knees. I should’ve had carpet laid down on this floor ages ago. I just couldn’t stand to touch anything, to move it. I just didn’t want to face it before.

Now?

Well now, this is the last piece remaining in the puzzle of putting myself back together.

It’s now the end of January, Con and I have been more than strong for nearly three months, to the point where he’s now living with me. It’s quick, we know this, especially after everything that’s happened, but we sat down and talked it out. Life has handed us some pretty shit things. The kind of things that really do push you to the edge and make you aware that life is fragile and not forever. Time is sometimes your enemy. Con and I have travelled roads together and apart. We know who we are and we know what we want. So he pushed for us to live together and I couldn’t see a reason why we shouldn’t. However, I’m still me so that being said, I wouldn’t allow him to sell his house. Not just yet. I told him if we’re still living together in a year – which we will be, he’s not escaping me… ever, then he will have my agreement that he should sell it. Although honestly now, I think I’d be good with him selling it tomorrow.

Soph is still here. We had a beautiful Christmas. It was just Con and me on Christmas morning as Soph said she was sleeping in. I think she probably just wanted to give us some alone time. We opened presents and I gasped when I saw that Con had bought me a beautiful locket. I want to assume its silver, it’s probably platinum, but I decided not to ask as I would’ve felt the need to moan at him for spending his money on me and that’s not what you want to hear at Christmas. The locket’s round with a star engraved on the front. I opened it and felt the emotions take over as I looked at two pictures of beautiful, loving faces, Mum on one side and Gran on the other.

“Look at the back,” Con had said, his arm around my shoulders. I turned it over and saw the inscription etched into the smooth back. ‘Watching over you forever,’ and at that point my emotions had taken over.

Later on in the day Soph graced us with her presence and Saul and Dane arrived and we spent the rest of Christmas together. As it should be. As a family.

I touch my locket and stare at the box, it makes me feel calm knowing it’s around my neck, and that I carry them with me.

I take a deep breath and carefully pull Gran’s quilt off the box. I look at the inscription on the dark wood chest.

My baby girl. May you always have light shining on your life and love always in your heart. Love forever Mum.

I take in a staggered breath, trying to hold it together. Although I already know I’m going to lose it.

I lift the lid and the scent of my mother’s perfume assaults my nose. I peer into the box and my eyes caress all the things I’ve tried to keep out of my mind for so long. Lifting out the first thing I see, I sit and read.

A twenty-six-year-old woman and a twenty-six-year-old man have been taken to hospital after an accident involving a car and a van in Kentish Town this afternoon.

London Ambulance services were called to the incident just before 6.40 p.m.

Fire crews also attended the incident to cut the man free from the car.

I stop reading and instead look at the photo of Saul’s car crushed and broken with two police cars next to it. A shiver runs through me at what happened and what could’ve been, and I silently thank God for saving him that day. I take a deep breath and scrunch the piece of paper up in my hands and I feel a small weight lifted.

Next I take out the source of the scent that wafts from the box. My mother’s signature perfume. I take a breath in and close my eyes, letting thoughts of her run through my brain and I smile.

I put it to one side, deciding that I will put it on my dresser, so I can always remember her when I need strength. Then I pull out my gran’s perfume knowing I’m going to do the same thing with hers. Every time I need to think of her love surrounding me.

I grasp onto the small stack of photos and look through them. They are of Mum and me, Gran and me… the three of us. Everyone is happy, smiling. Love shines through their eyes.

The next photo makes me catch my breath and I rub my chest automatically expecting the ache I always used to feel when I looked at it, which is now absent. It’s Con and me. It was taken on my eighteenth birthday. Saul, Con, Soph and I went out for a meal, typically we then went onto the karaoke. It wasn’t much different to our usual nights out, at least once a week we would go to dinner then to sing. It had become our thing. But we didn’t normally have hundreds of photos taken. This night though, Saul had decided he was going to go all photographer on us. He was studying it at Uni and carried his camera almost everywhere and he’d been snapping pictures all night. He gave me this one a couple of days later.

I’m on stage singing, but in this picture I’m in the background, it’s Con who’s in the foreground and that’s who Saul focused on. Con didn’t have a clue. He’s completely mesmerised by me. His face tells the story. It tells you that this boy is captivated by the girl he is watching. He’s staring at me with so much love, passion and pride it’s breathtaking.

Saul gave it to me and said, “If you ever have any doubt look at this photograph. His love for you is timeless, baby girl.”

I clutch the photograph to my chest, amazed that this boy loved me so much. That he still loves me and has done every moment from then until the man he has become today. I place the photograph on top of the pile, knowing I’ll be taking a trip on the weekend to pick up some photo frames and hang these on the wall putting them on show like they should’ve always been.

The box is now becoming empty and I’m unsure what to pull out next, knowing that both things are hard.

I opt for the letter and stare at its simple white envelope with Pearson written across the front in my mum’s handwriting. I slip the letter out and determination runs through my body as I open it up and begin to read.

Pearson,

Baby, I know when you get this it may be hard for you to read. I don’t know how old you are now. I told Gran to give you this letter when she thinks you’re ready.

I have missed so much of your life and I will miss so much more. I’m sorry baby. I am so sorry I couldn’t be there for every scraped knee and when you got your heart broken for the first time. To meet the love of your life and to be there on your wedding day. I’m sorry that if you have a child I’ll never get to experience life as a grandma.

I’m mostly sorry for leaving you with hardly any family. I know Gran won’t be around forever and then you may feel alone. I promise you that you’ll never be alone. I promise I will always be watching over you. I know you will be strong. You need to face life head on, always be brave darling.

I want you to know that you are my miracle. You’re the thing I’m most proud of in my life. You saved me, and I will always love you, no matter where I am.

Live baby, live like every day is your last… live for me, live for you, and love fiercely.

I’ll always be proud of you. You’re everything that made my life special.

Always,

Mum

My hands are shaking as I place the letter back in the envelope and tears have formed in my eyes. I put the letter back in the box, I’ve decided instead of fearing this box I will treasure it and keep my precious memories inside, ones that belong to me or Con and only us. Ones that we want to keep for ourselves.

When I get to the last two items in the box I need to give myself a few minutes to gather courage before I retrieve them. I glance at the stairs knowing Con will be home soon and subconsciously hold my stomach. My hands are still shaking as I carefully pick up the pictures.

Two of them.

One picture has two babies and the other has one. The images are black and grainy and if I hadn’t have stared at them for countless hours I might’ve lost where the babies are. The scans I had for my pregnancies now sit in each hand. I look between my left and right hands, and my tears erupt over my eyelids and cascade down my cheeks. They are silent tears. I’ve cried so many times for them, these babies that should be here with me today.

I hear the door open and I know that Con is home.

“Pea, where are you precious,” he says as the door closes and I hear him shuffling about going into different rooms trying to find me.

I can’t engage my mouth as I’m trying to rein in my tears.

“Pea?” his voice is closer now and then I hear his feet hit the stairs. He finds me still kneeling on the floor, surrounded by memories with tears streaming down my face. He sinks down next to me and circles his arms around me.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, then his eyes must catch on the scan photographs and his body becomes rigid. I’ve never shown him these photographs. I haven’t opened this box for so long.

“Are they…” his voice trails off. He doesn’t need to ask, he already knows what they are, but I nod anyway.

“Oh baby,” he sighs, but I can hear the sadness in his voice.

There’s nothing else to say and we sit there for ages just holding onto each other and staring at the scans while he rocks me gently back and forth.

He breaks the silence first. “We will have more. We’ll have a whole football team.”

“Why a football team?” I ask.

“Well, because I want all boys, precious.”

“Why?” I semi-screech.

“I don’t want girls that look like you. I have a hard enough time dealing with the fuckers that won’t stay away from you!” I laugh at him. “I ain’t joking, babe,” he replies which makes me laugh harder and I see the corners of his mouth tip up.

“Well, you’ll be fucked if she’s a girl then won’t you?”

His body jolts and he looks at me. “Pea?”

I lean forward and pull the photograph from my back pocket. “Daddy, meet baby,” I say and his eyes widen while staring at the scan, darting over every inch of it. He doesn’t say anything and I try to fill the silence hoping he doesn’t hear the concern I now have in my voice.

“I don’t really know how it happened. I have a coil in place, but I guess nothing is one hundred percent safe. I only realised a few days ago, but the hospital wouldn’t book a scan until they knew how far I was and I didn’t want you to miss out on the first hospital scan. I asked the sonographer today at work if she would do it for me so I could know roughly how far along I was and she gave me this photograph. I rushed home to show you, but you were still at work, so I waited for you to come home and decided it was time to sort out this box. It’s been haunting me for a long time, but I don’t think that will be a problem anymore.” Suddenly my chatter is cut short when I rock back as Con throws his body into mine and wraps his arms around me holding onto me tightly.

“I love you, Pearson. I love you for fighting for us and for believing in us.” He catches his breath and whispers, “For making us a family.”

“Happy birthday, Con,” I reply.