Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) (23 page)

“Anyway I bounced from foster home to foster home. None of them treated me badly, but none of them actually loved me. Still it could have been worse.” I want to interrupt him, I want to tell him that he needs to talk about his upbringing. That he doesn’t need to brush it under the carpet and just because some people have it worse, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t acknowledge the shit he’s had to deal with. But I sense this isn’t the right time.

“I became a model when I was sixteen. It meant I could earn money, and before I knew it I was actually earning pretty well. Well, enough to get my own place and start my life. My real life.”

He stops and gazes out of the window. “Those years, Pea... those years, they were all the same. All lifeless, colourless. I worked, I earned, I screwed, and that was about it. I made more and more money, then I got bored with modelling. I wanted to try something different so I set up the company.”

“You own that company?” I butt in.

He smiles, it’s genuine this time. “Yeah, it’s the only other thing I’m proud of in my life,” he states.

“Other thing?” I ask.

“You Pea, I’m proud of you. I was before I really knew you and even more so now.”

At his words a couple of happy tears escape me. He’s proud of me. Proud. Of. Me… Me! I don’t stop to think about why, I just relish the warm feeling it coats me in.

He starts up again, “The company got bigger than I’d ever imagined and running it was taking up too much of my time. So I handed over the reins and instead took on another role. I go in when I feel like it, and I still have overall say of anything obviously, but day to day... been there, done that.”

“That’s how you met Soph? I question, even though I know the answer.

He nods. “Soph was someone I met through the company. At the time I met her I was investigating my life. At that point, I didn’t know who my family were. I was spending time with Soph.” He must see my raised eyebrow as he goes on to say, “All right, we were screwing. The problem with that was that I was beginning to like her,” he says rubbing his chin.

“Why was that a problem?” I ask.

“Well, because around that time I realised my feelings were growing, I found out who I was, and more importantly, I found out my dad had another child, a sister... you.”

I furrow my brows at him. “Why did that stop you liking, Soph?” I ask irritated.

“It didn’t,” he answers immediately. “I mean, I didn’t stop liking her, but I knew if I ever wanted to get to know you, and at this point I didn’t know whether I was going to or not, I couldn’t do it hanging off Soph’s arm. Imagine when it came out, she would assume I had used her. So I had to break it off.” I nod in understanding.

Soph would’ve totally assumed that.

“I already knew quite a bit about you all. Soph had chatted about you all a lot, about how you were a family. I didn’t want to spoil that. I looked into your life further and found out about your mum and that you were pretty much raised by your gran.”

I nod. “I miss her,” I whisper.

“I know you do sunshine. That’s part of why I decided to finally tell you.”

“What?” I question confusedly.

“Your gran knew about me.”

I jump up off the stool, the force of my movement knocks it to the floor. Dane jumps up with me.

“Pea, calm down it’s not what you think.”

I breathe in and out, in and out and rasp the word, “Explain.”

“I wanted to meet you almost as soon as I saw you but didn’t want to upset your equilibrium. You seemed happy, content at least. I didn’t know if me coming out of the woodwork would upset that or not. Anyway, I went to visit your mum’s grave one day.”

I raise my eyebrow at him and narrow my eyes.

“Look… ” He holds up his hands. “There was no agenda, it was just… I don’t know, I guess I couldn’t say the things to you I wanted to and I have no parents to mourn, they are both still alive—”

“They are?” I interrupt while slowly lowering myself back onto the stool that Dane has turned back up the right way.

A flash of anger crosses his face. “Yeah, our daddy dearest is an alcoholic and drug user and he moved somewhere up north when he kept being arrested for stealing in London.” He must see the sadness in my eyes. “I wouldn’t worry, sunshine, you’ve been better off without him in your life. Trust me.” I think that may be a discussion for another time, say in a year or maybe even five.

“Anyway, I wanted to talk, about what was going on. I don’t trust therapists and I didn’t really have many friends. The people I spent time with... well, I wasn’t going to share my life stories with them. So as stupid as it sounds, I used to visit your mum’s grave. It somehow made me feel closer to you, and I used to be able to talk about everything that was going through my head. That was where she found me.”

“Gran,” I say.

“Yeah, your gran. She found me there one day, chatting away like a crazy person. She asked me who I was of course, and there was something about her that meant I couldn’t lie.”

“Yeah, she had some sort of truth bacteria that she emitted from her pores,” I say with a chuckle and he grins at me.

“I told her. Everything.”

“What did she say?” This answer is important to me. Gran knew me, she knew what I’d want.

“She said I must tell you and that she would help me. She said you can never have enough family.” He’s smiling and looking up lost in thought before he adds, “That was my first real evidence that family can be good. Your gran, she made me want to know you more just because she was so special.”

We’re both quiet for a few minutes.

“So what was the plan?” I ask.

He looks down. “There wasn’t one. I mean, we’d agreed to meet up in two weeks. We exchanged numbers, although I already had her number.”

“Because you had been spying on me?” I ask with a smirk and he looks up worried, then when he sees my face he smiles back.

“Yeah, because I’d been stalking you,” he says and winks.

“Anyway a couple of days before we were due to meet she died,” he goes quiet.

“It’s so sad. I feel like there are so many things I didn’t get to tell her. Things I wished I’d done, and here I find out she had a major secret that she never got the chance to tell me about. It kind of makes me feel better that I wasn’t the only one,” I say. I stand up and stretch, walking over the French doors, I say, “So you decided you wanted to tell me then?”

He walks over and stands next to me. “No, I mean, not exactly. I knew with one conversation with your gran that I wanted to tell you, but after your gran had died it was even more important, I wanted you to know you still had family, but I was scared.”

I look over to him. “Scared of what?” I ask.

“Scared of more rejection. Your gran found me by accident and she didn’t dismiss me, so I had a good chance that if nothing else, she would make you hear me out. Without her, well, I didn’t know how you’d feel and I didn’t know if you’d cope with this news. So, I bided my time and made sure, from afar, that you were as good as could be expected. Then you had that accident and you seemed to spiral, obviously I know why now. I was worried so I decided it was time to inject myself into your life so I could be here for you. Right here,” he repeats while pointing to the spot next to me.

“Everything else is just... history. I worked at the party to try to meet you. I wanted you to get to know me, without being romantic which, believe it or not, isn’t as easy as it sounds. I was terrified that you would get the wrong idea,” he says wincing.

“Ewww!” I say sticking my tongue out.

“Yeah, you say that now, but seriously it was a concern,” he chuckles then he adds,“ But it was okay because you have a Con, and he has a love thing, that’s in there remember,” he says pointing to my heart and throwing his head back with laughter again.

“Git!” I state giggling.

“Isn’t that what big brothers do?” he asks with a wink.

“Brother... brother,” I say reverently.

“Uh huh,” he replies.

I look at him and smile. “I love it. I’m so happy. I wondered why I felt so peaceful when I was around you? Why I let my walls down? And now I know.”

He slings his arm around me. “Sunshine, you don’t know how happy it makes me to hear you say that. I have loved you from afar and up close for so long. Now I have family.”

“I love you too, brother,” I say, then add, “I can’t wait to tell the others. They’ll be so happy for me.”

He stiffens. “Yeah, about that.” I look up at him worried.

“The mother who had another child a few years after me... that child would be Saul.”

It’s been two days since the bombshell. I almost haven’t let Dane out of my sight. I feel sorry for him really, he’s gone from having no family to not being able to get rid of me.

“Sorry,” I say again.

“Sunshine, seriously, stop saying sorry. I have no problem spending the evening with you, I keep telling you I love spending time with you.”

“Yeah, but I know you wanted to go out tonight and I ruined that by being poorly,” I moan.

“Did you plan on being sick?” he asks.

“Well, I did purposely eat that hot dog from the market,” I whine.

“Yes, this is true,” Dane says while scrunching his face into a look of disgust.

We’re quiet for a few minutes, I’m lying on the sofa with a sick bowl on the floor and Dane is sitting in a chair. We have the television on, but it’s more of a noise in the background, both obviously caught in our own thoughts.

“Is it everything you imagined?” I ask.

“What?” Dane looks over raising his eyebrow.

“Having family… is it everything you imagined?” I hitch my breath and realise I want him to say yes. I want to be able to fill that gap that he has always had.

“You remember when you asked why I called you sunshine?” I nod my head at his question. “I told you it was because you are like a little ray of sunshine in my life. Nothing’s changed, you are still that ray of sunshine, it’s just your rays aren’t so little anymore, you fill the darkness with your light.”

He’s a blur as I look at him, my eyes filled with tears, I always wanted a sibling, now I have one and for me it really is everything I’ve ever wanted.

“Dane, can I ask you something else?” I question broaching a subject I’ve wanted to for days, but he keeps dodging.

“Mmm huh,” he mumbles back.

“If you're happy being my brother… happy to have a family… then why haven’t you spoken to Saul yet?”

His eyes instantly go hard. “Pea, I’ve told you I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Well, maybe I do!” I counter.

“Ahhh!” he growls.

“Don’t you growl at me, Dane Matthews! I’m your sister and I demand to know!” I fold my arms across my chest, which doesn’t have the intended fierceness seeing as I’m still laying on the sofa. He looks at me and his lips twitch as his eyes go soft.

“Sunshine, it’s just… not that easy with, Saul,” he sighs his shoulders deflating.

“Why?...Tell me?… Please?”

He wipes his palm down his face as he sits forward on the chair.

“It’s not his fault… I mean, he doesn’t even know,” he remarks and it throws me slightly.

“What do you mean, it’s not his fault? Not who’s fault?”

“Saul… it’s not his fault… it’s just, well, I don’t like him.”

I sit up at that comment and swing my legs over the sofa. “What do you mean you don’t like him?” I ask and I can hear the edge in my voice.

He holds up his hands in a surrender sign and smiles, but I don’t find him funny.

“Look Pea, it’s not his fault. Like I already said, it’s hard to explain, but I guess I’m jealous of him.”

This baffles me. “Jealous of what?” I ask and the softness has returned to my voice.

“He had a family sunshine, she didn’t reject him,” the end is a whisper.

“I’m not sure he would see it like that,” I reply.

He frowns and looks at me waiting for what I’m going to say, “You never looked hard enough into his life, did you?”

He hangs his head. “No, I didn’t. I guess I didn’t want to see how his life was. The life I felt that I should’ve been a part of.”

“Dane,” I say softly and he looks up at me. “He didn’t have a great upbringing, his mother… your mother… she isn’t sweetness and hugs. She doesn’t do the cookies and milk thing. She takes whatever she can from you, and dismisses everything else you are. I know, I’ve seen it happen to Saul so many times. And I was there. The last time. The time he finally told her he didn’t want her in his life anymore.” I shake my head at my own disbelief. “His dad cheated on his mother, from the bits I’ve gathered from Saul over the years, which isn’t that much. He left with his bit on the side and never came back. Saul was ten at the time and he doesn’t talk about it.”

“Wow, Pea… I didn’t know,” he says as he rubs the back of his neck.

I shake my head at him. “No, you didn’t. But you decided to assume… not cool, Dane. Not cool.” I reach out for his hand and he moves over and sits next to me. “Listen, I know you’ve had it really shit and you’ve yet to let me into all of it and I love you. So I can’t imagine how hard it would be to tell secrets to someone you hardly know, but this is something you have to tell him, and no matter the outcome, you’ll always have me. I’ll always be there for you. Always. You’re my family and I trust you.” His hand jerks in mine at my confession.

“What?” I say, “You don’t think I feel that way?”

He shakes his head. “It’s not that, it’s just been a long time since someone has said that to me.” Now it’s my turn to startle at his words.

“What… what do you mean? How long has it been?” I ask almost not wanting to know the answer, already feeling my heart constricting at the thought of him being hurt.

“The last time someone told me they trusted me was when I was sixteen. I didn’t deserve her trust or her love. I left her behind. I’ve never heard the words since.”

“Who was it? And what do you mean you left her behind?” I have about a thousand questions to ask but blurt those two out first.

He stands up and walks over to my window. I don’t think he’s going to say anything and just as I’m about to get up and join him he starts talking, so I stay where I am to listen. But it’s not what I’m expecting him to say.

“It’s nothing and it doesn’t matter anyway. It’s in the past and I don’t want to talk about it,” he states.

“Everything is in the past, Dane. Everything you’ve done is in the past. It doesn’t mean you can brush everything under the carpet and plead ignorance. Things have a way of coming back and biting you in the arse. Sometimes you need to let it go and to do that, you need to talk about it.”

“I’m not saying never, sunshine, just… not today, okay?”

It’s a plea and so I nod. He can’t see me and when I say nothing he spins around to look at me and I nod again.

“You’ll always have me too, Pea. For what it’s worth, I trust and love you more than anything else in this world.”

I stand up and walk over to him, wrapping my arms around his middle and I look up into his brown eyes… my brown eyes. I whisper, “One day, Dane, I hope that you get to say those words to the love of your life and whoever she is will be very lucky. She is out there, Dane, you just need to open up to the possibility, and when you find her…” I stop and look out the window, thinking about my own non-relationship mess, I steel myself and look back up to him. “When you find her, you need to let her in. Let her help you heal the hurt… let her give you the promise of the love you will share.”

He smiles down at me and says, “But I’ve got you, right?” I nod and smile and he pulls me into him. “That’s all I need then.”

“Just to say. I haven’t forgotten about Saul and he needs to know, apart from anything else, you and I, this,” I say gesturing between the two of us, “this is my news too, and he’s one of my best friends and for many years he’s been my closest confidant. I’m not comfortable not telling everyone,” I say.

He nods at me, although it’s accompanied by a pained look.

“Tomorrow… tomorrow. If everyone is available how about having them all over here, that way if you’re not feeling completely well you don’t have to travel.”

“Friday is better,” I say. “I have work tomorrow and it gives everyone a couple of days.”

“Okay, I can do Friday,” he says and I feel myself relax. I need to get this out there. I need my family to know. I don’t want any more secrets, I’m sick of them.