Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) (18 page)

Dane nods. “Sounds good.” We leave the boat and jump on a bus, travelling silently. I can’t help but think of Gran. Despite everything, I know she would be proud of me right now.

‘Your demons are only as harmful as you let them be. Empty out all the stuff you keep buried and they’ll have nothing to hold onto.’
I remember her telling me, I miss her every single day.

When we get to the park, we start walking, taking in all things around us. As it’s a cold day, there’s not a lot of people around. Dane slings his arm around my shoulders. “You okay?” he asks for what feels like the hundredth time today. I look up to him and smile.

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“So back to my depressing story.” I grin at him and his face reflects my own.

“Well, it took a couple of weeks to get the funeral organised and over with and sort out her estate, etc. During that time, Saul had mentioned that I couldn’t put off speaking to Con any longer, although he had been mindful of my situation.

Nearly three weeks after Gran died, he came to pick me up. We were going out to lunch with Soph and Con. We tried to do that at least once a week but after Gran... well, I hadn’t had a chance to go out, so this was the first time in weeks that we’d done it. After Saul picked me up, he suggested this was my chance to speak to Con. That both he and Soph would be there to support me. I argued. I didn’t want him telling me what to do or when to do it. Organising me. I knew what I needed to do, but my head was still fucked up from grieving.

It was all I could do some mornings to get up and function. My hormones were all over the place, and I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Anyway, we said some things. Both of us. He asked if I’d ever really loved Con, and suggested that if I did I wouldn’t keep something as important as his child from him. Twice. I started crying and told him to pull over. I said that he obviously thought more of Con than me and thought I was a bad person. He told me not to be so stupid and to stop being so melodramatic. He said I should stop the waterworks as he was sick of them, and do the right thing by Con and my child. I told him that was rich coming from him, especially considering he puts it about so much that he probably has children scattered everywhere that he didn’t even know about.”

As I recall our argument, I am crying. Again. Dane leads us to a bench and we sit down.

“It was a dirty, underhanded, ugly argument, from both sides. It was also completely out of character. I didn’t realise when I said about having kids everywhere that I had hit close to the bone. I remember him turning to me and saying, ‘Katy told me this morning she thinks she’s pregnant.’ I remember as he said it, thinking his face was ashen. He was so scared. Katy was just someone he was sleeping with, casually. I remember his eyes were glassy. I remember that moment so clearly. The next thing I remember is screeching tyres, and a crunching sound then the smell of burning and my head thumping. Then I could feel wetness on both my head and legs. I realised we’d had an accident. I was a few feet away from the car. I could see Saul, his eyes were closed and he had blood trickling down his face.” I catch my breath and Dane pulls me into him. I hold on tight and squeeze my eyes closed trying to keep the images from my mind.

“I thought he was dead,” I whisper.

“Shhh, it's okay. He’s okay. Remember he’s coming out on Sunday.” He tries to soothe me. After a few minutes I sit up straight, pull myself away from Dane and start wiping from my face with my scarf because I have no tissues, which only serves to make him laugh at me.

“You look ridiculous,” he says with a smirk.

“Cheers! Just what every girl wants to hear,” I laugh.

“Do you want to walk it off?” he asks.

I nod and we get up and amble along.

“The fire brigade got him out and we were both whisked off to the hospital. He was in a coma for three days, when he come around they had to put him into an induced coma. Something about his body having too much stress. I’m not too sure about the details because at that point we had been banned from seeing him.” Dane grinds his teeth obviously annoyed.

“Anyway I was in the hospital for a week myself. I had split my head open and had to have stitches. I was bruised and battered and I’d also lost my baby… again.”

He grabs my hand and holds it as a silent show of support as we walk.

“Because of that, I never told Con. I know that makes me the worst kind of person, but I didn’t see the point. I convinced myself he would hate me for letting his children die, letting his friend get hurt, and never telling him his own secrets. I told myself the accident was my fault.” I stop and throw my head back to look up at the sky.

“I was so scared when Saul woke up that he would tell me that he never wanted to see me again. That he hated me, and that I’d caused the accident. He never did though. Typical Saul, he didn’t even bring it up. He had some memory issues for a while, but that’s all cleared up now. He still hasn’t blamed me.”

“Why should he blame you? I mean you were arguing, true, but he’s the one in charge of the car. It was his responsibility to drive the thing. Did you grab his hands off the wheel? Did you turn his head away from the windscreen? Did you start hitting him?”

“No,” I say shaking my head.

“Exactly, and from what Soph filled me in on, it sounds like there was a drunk driver who jumped a red light and pulled straight onto a dual carriageway.”

“Yeah, but it took me ages to realise it wasn’t my fault. I thought I was bad luck. I considered moving away from them all. I’m such a fuckwit sometimes.” I shrug my shoulders at him.

“You’re looking forward to him coming out, right?” he asks.

“Of course! I’m not looking forward to his mother though. I just know she’ll turn up and try to create a scene. At least I’ll have Soph with me. Saul can handle his mum’s shit. He’s always been able too, but I know he’s not one hundred percent back to himself yet and Soph... well, she somehow makes him stronger.” A look of pain crosses his face, which he quickly masks.

“Do you feel better getting that out?” he questions.

“Surprisingly, yes I do.”

“Come on let’s go and get some food.”

I rub my belly which grumbles on cue, Dane laughs. “I know you get grumpy when you don’t eat and I need to rectify that now.”

“What about you?” I ask.

“What about me?” he replies as he grabs my hand and pulls us towards the park exit.

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about our conversation the other night. I want to know more about you, friendship isn’t a one-way street for me. I’ve let you in, much more than is normal for me, especially since I’ve not known you long. I’ll admit, I don’t want to hurt you, but I’ve thought about this, and I think the reason you’ve managed to work your way past my walls so quickly is because I have a big gaping hole inside me from Saul and Con.” I see the hurt from my words quickly flash across his face. “Sorry, please don’t take that the wrong way. You are now firmly in my heart, just as much as the others. It’s just you got inside easier. You’ve helped me too, more than you realise. I feel calm around you, safe and I trust you.” He’s looking straight ahead, but he squeezes my hand. “I want you to be a permanent fixture in my life.” That gets me a glance and a warm smile. “But I need to know about you. I can’t have a friendship with you if you’re not willing to fight for it.”

He pulls us up to a stop and grabs my shoulders turning to face me.

“I will always fight for you and I will tell you everything, honestly, next week. I’ll come and get you one night and you can come to my place for dinner and I’ll answer all your questions. Just not today. Today you have told your secrets. Next week we’ll tackle mine. Please?”

I lift my hands and place them on his forearms and squeeze.

“Next week.”

We release each other and go and have some food.

I feel lighter. Happier. Now I just need to talk to the one person I should have long ago.

Later that night I crawl into bed.

Me:
Night Con. I miss you. I’m thinking of you.

Con:
Dirty thoughts I hope.

Me:
Con!

Me:
Maybe ;-)

Con:
Well, well, I knew you’d come round eventually. Tomorrow phone me and we’ll do phone sex ;-)

Me:
Too far, Con. Too far!

Con:
Damn! Night precious. Miss you. Always.

Saturday rolls around and I wake to the clanking of pots. That means Soph’s gotten home from her photo-shoot at some point last night and is in the mood to cook. I look over at the clock on my bedside cabinet. It’s just after 10:00 a.m. and although I have no reason to get up today, I feel like spending a day on my own, somewhere away from here. Away from my life, just for a few moments.

When I was younger, my gran used to take me to Brighton beach. Then when Con and I got together and Gran was a bit too old to travel, he used to take me. I remember when he got his first car and asked where I wanted to go on our first journey, my answer was the beach. It was always the beach. I feel free there.

I grab a shower and throw on black leggings, a heavy burnt orange jumper, my Ugg boots and tie my hair in a topknot. I collect another beanie, gloves and a scarf and grab my lightweight Animal bag, which I can wear across my body so I can put my purse, phone and keys inside.

When I find Soph in the kitchen, she’s in the middle of making what looks like pancakes. Well, at least I think it should look like pancakes.

“Morning! Pancakes?” she asks.

I raise an eyebrow and eye the pancakes. “Pass,” I reply and wink.

“They’re not that bad, at least they are edible this time,” she remarks taking a bite of one and then trying to keep the grimace from her face as she tries to eat it. I watch her for a few minutes then I start laughing. She endeavours to give me a dirty look but ends up bursting into laughter whilst simultaneously spitting out her freshly cooked pancake.

After she cleans up her mess and I’ve made tea and coffee for us we sit at the kitchen table.

“So, what are you going to be doing today?” she asks gesturing to my bag, hat, scarf and gloves all sitting on the table together.

“I’m heading to Brighton.”

Soph’s eyes light up. I know she remembers our trips to Brighton. Gran used to bring her with us as much as possible, just to get her away from home. We used to have so much fun. I look over at her fiddling with her plate like it holds the secrets of the world.

“Want to come with?” I ask.

Her head jerks up and her eyes are smiling. “Yes please!” Then she looks down at herself. “But are you happy to wait for me?” she asks uncertainly.

“Of course, but no taking two hours to get ready. Have a shower, don’t wash your hair.” She tries to interrupt me, but I stop her. “No! You had a shoot yesterday. Whatever time you came back last night I know you would’ve showered, so it’s clean. There’s no point in making it pretty. It’s cold and windy outside. It will be even windier by the sea and you will need to wear a hat!”

She rolls her eyes but concedes with an, “Okay.” Then shuffles off to get ready.

As I sit at the table, I flick through a magazine which is obviously Soph’s as it’s full of celebs, when my phone comes to life.

Saul:
You all set to get me tomorrow still?

Me:
Of course!

Saul:
Good, just checking, I need to get out of here.

Me:
I bet! Do you want to come back to mine tomorrow?

Saul:
I’d rather not if that’s okay. I think I need to get to my flat.

Me:
I understand, I’ll take you there.

Saul:
You can hang at mine if you want?

Me:
Sure sounds good.

Saul: Okay, see you tomorrow and thanks, Pea. x

Me:
Tomorrow Saul and no thanks needed! xx

When Soph comes back down, we head off.

“So train?” she asks.

“Yeah, unless you know someone who’d want to drive us?” I answer.

We’re both quiet for a moment until I say, “I suppose I could ask Dane, but I have no idea if he’s working.”

“No, let’s just get the train. It’ll be like a little adventure. We haven’t done something impulsive in ages, or something where it’s just us. I’ve missed you, Pea.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

“No, I’ve missed
you
. The real you, and from what I can see it looks like you’re back!” she says excitedly.

“Yeah, I know, you’re right. I just hid myself away from everyone. I hid myself away from me. I thought that was the easiest thing to do. Turns out, I’m not an ostrich and I can’t bury my head in that sand.”

We’re both quiet for a few minutes then Soph pipes up, “Yeah, but wouldn’t that be a cool trick if you could?”

I chuckle, she knows how to lighten a mood. She’s usually the life and soul of the party. Not lately though, I need to find out what’s going on with her. I need to ask her… today. No point burying our heads in the metaphorical sand!

“I was talking to Con last night,” Soph interrupts my thoughts.

“Oh right, and what did he have to say for himself?” I casually ask, I’m not sure why as Soph can see right through me when it comes to Con. Proving it when she chuckles quietly.

“He was actually a bit cagy.” She frowns in thought.

“Oh, you don’t know why?” I ask.

“No, I tried to ask him. He just told me I was imagining things.”

“Well, what exactly do you think he was being cagey about?”

“We were just chatting, right? Like normal. Then I asked him what he’d been doing today. He said he’d been cleaning out his desk at work, which I wouldn’t have paid any attention too, but after he said that he then said, ‘shit,’ under his breath. Obviously assuming I didn’t hear, which made me wonder why he’d said, ‘shit,’ you know like he’d let something slip. So I asked him why he’d been cleaning his desk out, and he completely brushed it off.” She shakes her head in apparent disbelief.

“How did he brush it off?” I question.

“You know Con if he doesn’t want to continue a conversation he turns it a completely different way.”

We’re just coming into the train station. Thankfully it isn’t a very long walk. When we get to the counter, the ticket man tells us the train to Brighton is in the station and is leaving in five minutes. We hurry through purchasing our tickets and run to the train. We just make it, and sit down next to the window opposite each other when the train starts off. We settle into our ninety-minute journey and I pick up where Soph left off, knowing she was hoping to keep it that way.

“I know someone else who likes to turn conversations another way,” I state.

“Hmm?” she replies while staring out the window.

“Come on Soph, tell me. How did he stop you questioning him?” I know it’s something big, for her at least. She’s not normally backwards in coming forward, and with me she’s usually not worried about sharing. However, when she doesn’t want to, she will do everything in her power to divert your attention. I know I usually give her time to sort her head out before I badger her, however I’ve given her quite a bit of time lately while I’ve been self-absorbed, now it’s time to drag it from her.

She eyes me warily and says, “Nothing important, just this and that.”

“Well Soph, we have a long train journey ahead of us and I have nothing but time to listen to, ‘this and that,’” I answer with a smirk.

“You’re a pain in my arse, Amberry!” she answers sternly while I’m trying not to laugh.

“Yeah, but you love me,” I say and wink. I can see a dimple trying to appear on her cheek and I know I’ve won.

“He said you told him that you thought there was something between me and Dane.”

“Oh right, are you annoyed with me? Sorry, I wasn’t trying to upset you,” I rush out quickly, not quite sure why she didn’t want to mention that, but worrying that she’s upset with me for saying it.

“No, no, don’t be silly! I’m not annoyed with you. I was worried you’d be pissed with me.”

I stare at her for a second as I try to wrap my head around what she’s said.

“Soph, why on earth would I be annoyed with you?” I ask completely confused.

“I thought you had a thing for Dane?”

I wasn’t expecting that answer and I’m completely thrown, so I’m silent for a moment and Soph obviously takes this as my admission. When I catch onto her look, I’m quite loud with my answer.

“No… no… no way!” I stutter. Loudly. Soph looks past me, which makes me turn around. There are a couple of elderly ladies sitting diagonally behind me. “Sorry!” I say.

“Don’t you worry, dear,” says one of them smiling while I hear another one huff. “We were young once. Just keep in mind that if you talk loudly I’ll want to know the whole of the conversation. You can’t leave me on a cliff-hanger,” she continues winking at me while the other one rolls her eyes.

“Oh sorry, it’s just…” I glance over to Soph who’s obviously trying not to laugh before continuing, “My friend here thinks I have a thing for this guy…” I pause and think of how to phrase what I’m saying. I’m not even sure why I’m telling her this. Although she does remind me of Gran and she has a certain sparkle. So I find I can’t help myself. “Anyway, I think she’s already had a thing with this guy.” I smile.

“By, ‘thing,’ you mean sex, dear?” she asks and states at the same time. I can hear Soph do a kind of cough-laugh behind me.

“Urm, well, we hadn’t got that far... but yeah, I guess.” I try to smile, but it comes out a little wary as she replies, “We were having sex before your parents were even born young lady. So don’t worry about being embarrassed.”

“Oh, for heaven sake, Jean. Do you have to?” the huffy eye rolling one cuts in.

“Shhh Enid, this is just getting interesting,” Jean replies.

Soph is now snickering behind me.

“Are you twelve,” Enid asks her, which causes me to burst out laughing, the result of which makes Jean laugh too, and by the end even Enid has a smirk at the corner of her mouth that she’s trying to hide.

“Anyway,” I say after we all calm down, “I never actually got to answer, but just for your information, Soph,” I stop and look round at her trying to make a point with my eyes before I say the next bit, “I don’t have a thing for Dane. Period.” Even though we have been laughing and making it a joke, I can see her eyes working confirming I’m telling the truth. Which she does, in about a second.

“Wow,” Soph says. “I was sure there was something there. You normally keep people at an arm’s length, especially people you haven’t known that long, but you let him in and you tell him secrets you’ve kept hidden from me for years,” I can hear the hurt laced within her voice when she say the last part.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner… that I didn’t open up to you. If it makes you feel any better, I was trying to delude myself too. And as soon as I realised and pulled my head out of my arse, I told you,” I say trying to make her feel better, wanting her to know she isn’t at the bottom of my list, and that I hated keeping her in the dark.

“No, it’s okay. I know you’ve had your own issues to deal with lately. I’m just ashamed that a stranger was the one to bring you back. It kind of makes me feel like a shit friend.”

And right there is why my friend is so awesome.

“Don’t feel that way… ever. You’re a fab friend, and you’ve made me better. I got in an ambulance because of you!” Then I cringe remembering why I had to get in that ambulance, but Soph laughs.

“That’s true. I rock!” she says making a rock sign with her fist while sticking her tongue out. I shake my head and smile. That’s my Soph.

Just then Jean pipes up, I’d almost forgotten she was there, “I was married to my husband for forty years,” she says and I’m not sure where she’s going with this, but figure it’s lovely that she was with someone for so long.

“That’s lovely Jean,” I say.

“No, it's not, he was a prick.”

I look at Soph, who’s practically going purple trying to hide her laugh and Enid, who has her hands over her face and then look back at Jean who still has a twinkle in her eye.

“I want to be you when I grow up,” I whisper and she smiles at me, and it’s a smile that holds a secret, maybe a million, but it’s beautiful.

The rest of the journey goes by smoothly. We converse with Jean and Enid nearly all the way. They tell us that they are on a senior citizens outing with the home where they live. They’ve both lost their husbands years before, and it’s obvious they know each other extremely well as they act like an old married couple... a bickering married couple. They tell us about their families and they ask about us, well mainly Jean asks about us. I have a secret soft spot for Enid too.