Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) (17 page)

“Hmmm?” he responds automatically.

“Tell me about your family?”

He stumbles for a second like he’s going to fall. “You okay?’ I ask concerned.

“Yeah, sorry, must have tripped on something,” he grimaces.

“So your family?” I push.

“Not much to tell, sunshine,” his voice has a hard edge and if he hadn’t interjected sunshine into his sentence, I would’ve thought he was pissed at me. “Dad was an alcoholic. Thankfully, he didn’t stick around when my mother was pregnant, and my mother gave me up when I was born,” he reels it off like it’s someone else’s story and I stop walking. “Pea?”

“No Dane, don’t brush this off and be so blasé about it. This is a big thing in your life and I want to know about the big things... and the small ones.” I look up at him and I can see a vulnerability in him. It makes him look like a little boy. Suddenly, he lurches forward and grabs me clinging to me like his life depends on it. I hold him in the middle of the street on a Thursday night. I’m sure people are staring and I don’t give a shit.

When he finally pulls back, he looks at me and pulls my plait. “Sorry sunshine, I didn’t mean to be a downer.”

“Dane. Don’t.” He furrows his brows at me in confusion. “Don’t make light of this. We are going to talk properly, another night.” He nods his head in agreement.

“Come on let’s get you home,” he says and curls his arm around my shoulders.

“Dane, what’s going on with you and Soph?”

Without faltering his step, he replies, “What do you mean, sunshine?”

“Well, there seems to be some weird vibe around you two at the moment.”

“Don’t know what you mean, everything’s fine as far as I’m concerned.”

“Okay.”

We walk in silence the rest of the way. Dane keeps his arm around my shoulder, but it’s just friendly, just like if it were Saul doing it. When I get home, Dane says he’s heading straight home so I go to look for Soph. I don’t need to go far, she’s on the sofa sleeping with the television still on. I switch it off and throw a blanket over her. Never wake a sleeping Soph… ever.

I pull my clothes off and get in my PJs. As I get under the covers, I grab my new paperback. A couple of hours later I grab my phone and tap out a text.

Me:
What you doing?

Normally I only say goodnight to Con at this time of night, but as we’ve become chattier lately, I want to see how he is. I tell him I miss him every night. It’s just now, I’m also filled with longing. A longing that I’ve locked away for so long.

Since I’ve started piecing myself back together, I’ve also started letting myself feel. I’ve unlocked feelings that I wanted to pretend weren’t there for so long. I can’t pretend anymore, I want to be with him. I don’t even know if that’s what he wants anymore. His texts often seem flirty, but that could just be Con. I’ve pushed him away for so long, I’m not sure if I’ve missed my chance. Even if I haven’t, I still have to face the fact that when he finds out... when I tell him my secrets... his secrets... he may not want me anymore.

My phone beeps and it makes me jump.

Con:
I’m just about to head out with some friends. What about you?

Me:
I’m in bed, about to go to sleep.

Con:
What are you wearing?

Me:
Con!

Con:
What? I’m sure whatever you have on is conservative compared to what I’m imagining ;-)

Me:
Did you just wink at me?

Con:
Haha, just joking, precious. What have you been doing tonight?

Me:
Just went to Tandoori Delight with Dane.

Con:
Dane huh? You’ve become good friends with him lately haven’t you?

I’m not sure where this is going.

Me:
Yeah, he’s been great. It’s like he’s stepped into the hole that Saul and you left.

I cringe as I press
send
, I’m not sure how he’s going to take that.

Con:
I’m glad Pea
.

Me:
You are?

Con:
Yeah. Honest… I left you. I’m glad you have someone.

Me:
Nobody will ever replace you Con.

Con:
Glad to hear it, precious.

Me:
Night Con. Miss you.

Con:
Night precious. Miss you. Always.

I wake with a start, sitting up in bed and scanning the room.

“Shit!” I rub my eyes and try to focus. I have a layer of sweat all over me.

I was having a bad dream.

I can still remember it clearly. I was in the accident, but not with Saul... this time it was Con. I was trying to grab him, but I couldn’t reach. I kept stretching and fire was licking around his feet. His eyes were sleepy but open. I was shouting at him to reach for me and grab me, but he couldn’t. Then the fire starting crackling and he said, “Pea, be happy that’s all I want. Remember I’ll always love you.” Then he was gone.

My breath catches in my throat as I realise I’m sobbing. Without thinking I grab my phone and call him.

“Pea,” he answers after a couple of rings obviously worried as to why I’ve called at what must be the middle of the night for him.

I can’t speak though, I just sob and mumble into the phone, “Con... Con…”

“Pea. What the fuck has happened, babe? Take a breath and try to explain, precious.”

“Nothing... nothing’s happened... I had a bad dream.”

I can hear him breathe out and release whatever worry he was holding. “Do you want to talk about it, Pea?”

“It was the accident again,” I murmur.

“He’s okay you know.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s just it wasn’t him, it was you,” I say between my heaving breaths.

He goes quiet for a moment. “I’m right here, Pea. I’ll always be here. You’re not getting rid of me.”

“Good... I don’t want to get rid of you.” I know even as I say it that there’s an underlying meaning and I hope he gets that too. We’ve become closer over the last few weeks, although it’s been mainly through texts. Somehow it’s been different to the relationship we had before he left. I know that it’s probably because I’m different too.

“Sorry for waking you up, I’m good now. You should go back to sleep.”

“You sure you’re okay? I can stay on the line if you want, precious?”

“That’s okay. I have to get up anyway. Things to do.”

“What are you up to today then?”

“Oh… well, I’m going out on a boat ride along the Thames... with Dane.”

“Oh, that sounds like fun,” he tries to keep it light, but I’ve known him so long that even over the phone I can hear the tightness in his voice.

“You know Dane and I are just friends, he’s like a big brother, honestly. Anyway I think he has a thing for Soph.” At that comment, Con starts coughing. “You okay?” I ask, aware how stupid it is to ask that when the other person sounds like they’re coughing up a lung and, therefore, can’t answer.

“Yeah, sorry, I’m fine,” he rasps out.

“Okay... well, I’m going to go. Go back to sleep!” I tell him.

He chuckles then replies, “Okay precious. Have a good day.” I smile and end the call.

I get up and mooch about the house for a while, grabbing my paperback and having a cuppa while delving back into the fictional world. Soph has gone to work today. She has a shoot which will probably run all day, maybe even into the night and I find it’s actually nice to have my home to myself for a bit.

When I realise my tea has got cold I look up and see that it’s nearly 11:00 a.m. and Dane is due to pick me up at midday. I rush about having a shower and then get myself ready for a cool November day, and a trip on a boat which will also entail wind. I decide to pull on a faded pair of denim skinny jeans, a soft navy fitted jumper with a red jersey blazer and a red and navy scarf. I pull on my black wedged knee high boots, brush my hair into a low ponytail and apply mascara and lip gloss. I look out my bedroom window and see Dane pulling up in his car just as I’m finished getting ready. Grabbing my keys, phone and purse, I pop them in my pocket so I don’t have to bother with a bag. I open the front door just as he’s about to knock.

“Morning sunshine!” he smiles.

“Hey Dane.”

“Ready to get on the boat?” he questions.

“Yeah, I suppose. I’m hoping it’s not going to be too cold though!”

We get in his car and he drives us to the local train and tube station. We park in the station car park and jump on the tube heading to the nearest station where the boats are docked.

“Why are we doing this again?” I ask as we are leaving the tube station at the other end.

“I just thought it would be nice to do something you haven’t done before, and who knows we might have fun,” he laughs.

“Yeah, probably would’ve been more fun if we had done it in the summer though,” I moan.

“We can do it again in the summer, sunshine. Anyway I thought we could do this now as on Sunday you are picking up Saul so you might be busy with him. Then, of course, there is Christmas shopping to think about!”

I groan. “Ugh, Christmas shopping... I think I’ll order online.”

We walk for a few more paces until we arrive. We get on the boat and go and stand at the back. I’m sure it’s called something special, but I’ve never pretended to know anything about boats. Hell, I’ve never even been on one before. I stare out over the water wondering when we’re going to get going. Dane is looking at the water.

“What you thinking?” I ask.

“How fucking dirty this water is,” he replies and I laugh and look down. He’s right, it’s disgusting.

“I better not fall in,” I say looking at the murky water.

Dane grabs my arm. “Come on, let’s go and sit down at one of the outside tables.” I’m thankful that I wore my red woollen beanie and gloves to keep me warm.

“Pea, do you remember the night that Soph was attacked?” I stiffen at his question.

“Yes, how could I forget?” A dark expression crosses his face and I’m not sure where he’s going with this.

“Well, before Soph arrived we were talking. You asked me some stuff and I clammed up. Do you remember?”

Suddenly I can feel my heart beating and I think I know where he’s going with this conversation. I nod saying nothing.

“If you remember when I clammed up you said something about you instead. I assumed to make me feel better. Then obviously, the whole Soph thing happened and it was forgotten. Then when I came over the other night, you and Soph were chatting. You said she could bring me up to speed with the conversation. She told me about the miscarriage six years ago. About you losing twins and about them being Con’s babies, but that you’ve never told him.” I nod warily. “I’m sorry Pea. I really am.”

I nod again, I know there’s more, I can feel it.

“Pea... when we were originally chatting, the time I clammed up, you said you’d been pregnant... twice. So I wanted to ask... when was the other time you were pregnant?”

I want to run. I feel like my scarf is choking me and I grab at it trying to loosen the knot.

“Breathe,” Dane says.

I look into his eyes and feel calmer. He grabs my hand and strokes the back with his thumb.

“Earlier this year. The night before my birthday, we went out, Con, Saul, Soph and I.” I turn to look out at water.

“We left the bar early as this guy started groping me on the dance floor.” I feel Dane’s thumb go still.

“It was okay. Con punched him, twice.” His thumb continues rubbing. “We left and I wanted to go home. Con came with me. I’m not sure where Saul and Soph got to.” His thumb stops again, and I look up to see him trying to get control of his emotions. I can’t quite work out what emotion though. He realises I’m looking at him and motions for me to continue.

“Well, that night, Con and I... well... we kinda... you know.” I can feel my cheeks heat, even in this weather. When I look up to Dane, he’s trying to suppress a grin. Bastard. “The next day we had a misunderstanding, which lead to us not actually getting back together, but instead going back to being just friends,” I snort and Dane looks at me surprised. “Sorry, it’s just I can’t believe I’ve been living a lie all these years. Con and I have never been friends. Well, not just friends. We’ve both always loved each other... I’m not sure that will be enough though.” He furrows his brow, confused.

“Anyway that was the very end of April, a month later I found out I was pregnant. I’ll be honest, I was so happy. I loved my baby already. The protectiveness I felt was immeasurable. After what had happened with the first pregnancy, especially never knowing the cause of the miscarriage, I was even more aware of everything I’d done, and everything that could cause me, or more importantly, the baby problems. The first thing I decided to do was be honest. I needed clarity and I wanted Con. The only way I could do both was to tell the truth. The issue I had with that though was I was scared that if I told Con he would flip out.” Dane raises an eyebrow at that remark but says nothing. “He would have every right too, I know that. But I was terrified that the stress of a big argument would mean I’d lose the baby.” I stop talking for a second trying to gather my thoughts. Explaining to someone who has never lost a child what goes through your mind and how you react to it, is difficult. It’s probably even harder for a man who will never know what it’s like to be pregnant, and this is also a man who hasn’t even had a child... as far as I know.

“It’s hard to put into words and I know that everyone deals with things differently in life. This is my story, for better or worse it’s how I reacted. I can’t change it and I’m not sure I would want too. For every destructive thing that has happened in my life, I have two beautiful things. I wouldn’t want to remove the beauty, and what would beauty be with nothing to balance it? Ordinary. We can all have ordinary, I want beautiful. So I’ll take the rough with the smooth.” I interlace my fingers and rest my face on my hand looking at the table.

“So maybe I became overprotective, doesn’t change anything. I spoke to Soph first, told her I was pregnant. I still never told her about the first time. She supported me as all good friends should do. She encouraged me to talk to Con and also my gran as I hadn’t told her either. Before I spoke to Con though, I needed to tell Saul. He was the only one who knew about the first time, he would understand my anxiety and he would come with me to speak with Con, I knew he would.”

I jerk as the boat moves. I look around and realise it’s suddenly become really busy on board. I start fidgeting.

“You okay, sunshine?” I can hear the genuine warmth and concern in his voice.

“Yeah, just bringing this stuff up is hard.”

“We can stop if you want?”

“No. I feel like it’s therapeutic for me. I need to air it all. It can’t haunt me if I have no hiding places. Dane smiles and rubs my back.

“Anyway, I went to see Saul and as usual he was completely supportive. Especially because I was going to tell Con. He said no matter what had happened in the past and what secrets I’d kept, Con was going to be over the moon. I remember him saying, ‘Do you realise that Con has loved you his entire life. His world begins and ends with you, Pea.’ I didn’t hear him at the time, well… I didn’t listen.”

Dane leans over and wipes a stray tear from my eye.

“By the time I’d spoken to Saul it was two weeks after I’d found out I was pregnant, so I was six weeks pregnant and it was the middle of June. Two days later my gran died.”

Dane’s hand stops rubbing and he softly says, “I’m sorry, sunshine.”

I can’t say anything as I’m swallowing trying to get my emotions under control. Once I’ve composed myself, I carry on, “She died in her sleep. Just old age. She didn’t suffer. Well, at least not that I know of. I guess we’ll never truly know. She was eighty-six, but it was still a shock. I still have days when I wake up and think she’ll be in the kitchen. That’s why Soph moving in here is as much for me as her. I mean I only lost her five months ago. I think the thing I find hardest is that I never told her I was pregnant, either time. The first time was different, I was overseas and by the time I came back I had locked the knowledge of my miscarriage up inside me so tight I didn’t know how to let it out. This time I did have the opportunity to let her in and because I stalled she missed out on knowing.”

The boat jerks to a halt and I realise our boat ride has finished. “Do you want to go again?” Dane asks. While the idea of staying on the boat in the cold air appeals, because it makes my face numb and I need something to take the edge off while I open up, I realise it will probably be better to talk somewhere quieter.

“How about we go to St James Park and take a walk?” I suggest.