Authors: Delia Delaney
If I didn’t come up with something else to think about besides the two of them, I was sure to go crazy.
My mom read Maggie a bedtime story that night, so while I had the chance, I called Jared. I apologized right away for taking so long to call him back, and he assured me it was no big deal. He wanted to tell Maggie goodnight, but I informed him that I already got her into bed and grandma was reading her a book. He mentioned something about me having my hands full enough and that I didn’t need to worry about getting back to him; he said
he
’d
been
trying to be
patient.
I felt terrible
that
he
thought
I was
apologizing for
flaking on the phone call
, but
deep down I knew guilt was the real reason why I felt so bad.
I knew I had to come clean—I owed him that much. I told him the real reason that I needed to call him back—because Zack had called—and he didn’t say anything at first.
“I haven’t talked to him for a while, so I felt like I should take the call,” I added.
“I understand,” he finally replied. “You could have just said so.”
“I just…wasn’t sure if I was going to talk to him at first and…
“Well what did he say? Is he back?”
“
From Switzerland
? Uh, no he’s not. But the call didn’t go very well anyways. We just ended up making each other mad.”
It took a few seconds but he
replied
, “Well the funny thing about that anger emotion… It doesn’t always mean bad things.”
I contemplated that silently. I was trying to decide what he really meant by it when he added, “Taryn? What kind of ‘mad’ are you? Like frustrated mad because you miss him and you’re still hurt that he left?”
“Jared, I don’t know if I can
…”
I sighed.
“
Don’t know if
you can what? Taryn, you can talk to me about it. You promised me that you’d be co
mpletely honest, remember? Just—
can you tell me what he said?”
I did recount my phone call with Zack, with as much detail as I could remember. I did admit that I still felt hurt, and that I didn’t understand Zack’s motives or what he meant when he said certain things.
I felt like I was confiding in my best friend,
but
I was thankful that I was able to do it over the phone instead of in person.
Jared was easy to read and I feared that he would be disappointed with me.
But
even though
he
seemed
accepting of my feelings
over
the phone
, I still wondered if he was bothered by it. I decided to ask him about it outright; I wasn’t sure if I wanted to wonder.
“Well, I understand all of it,” he replied. “I mean I knew from the start I was in for a battle, so it’s not surprising. Do I wis
h things were different?
Yeah, of course
.
But you have the right to feel however you want, Taryn. I’m in no position to question it.”
“What do you mean question it?”
“Well…”
“Honest answers, Jared.”
“I know.
I’m getting there. I was going to ask if you love him. Are you in love with Zack?”
Naturally I had to pause. It wasn’t that I didn’t have an answer, but it was more a matter of
how
to answer.
“I do love Zack,” I finally said. “
I really care about him a lot.
But I don’t know if he’s the right person for me. There’s a difference between loving someone and being
in love
with someone.”
“And you love him but you’re not in love with him?”
“
Exactly.
Right now he and I—”
“Taryn, I don’t feel good,” Maggie said as she opened my door.
I’d been so focused on my conversation with Jared that she’d startled me.
“You don’t?” I asked
, motioning her over.
“What’s the matter?”
“My throat hurts.”
I almost groaned
out loud
. Maggie had a history of sore throats, and the doctor last said that she should have her tonsils taken out if the problem continued.
“Jared, I need to go,” I said into the phone.
“Yeah, sure, of course. Tell Maggie I’m sorry she feels bad.”
“Do you want to talk to her yourself?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’d love to.
If that’s okay?
”
I gave Maggie the phone and she listened to Jared talk. I liked seeing her smile at least,
despite having a sore throat. She seemed a little more relaxed after that and even went
back
to
bed
without any medicine.
I climbed into bed early that night, but it still took me two hours to fall asleep. I was feeling sorry for myself as I stressed out over th
e things that were burdening me
. I didn’t know what decisions I was going to make
, and I hated feeling so unsure of my life.
I spent
a total of ten
days with my family
in California—until the day after New Year’s—a
nd even though Maggie and I had a great time, I really missed Jared. I talked to him on the phone every day; he actuall
y got to know my family quite well
this way because of certain things going on in the house, or stories I would tell him. And of course it was hard to shake my brother whenever he knew Jared was on th
e phone. I think he stuck close
to me
more
than he ever had in his entire life.
Jared got a kick out of him, especially when Braden would facetiously tell him stuff about me, or flat out lie by saying things like, “Taryn kisses her pillow whenever you play your guitar over the phone.”
That made me roll my eyes, and when Jared later asked, “So…you really replaced me with a pillow?” I had to reply, “No, I kiss the posters of you in my brother’s room.”
That made him laugh.
My mom and dad convinced me to let Maggie stay with them for a while longer. I wouldn’t have agreed to it if Maggie hadn’t wanted to, but she did, so I thought it would probably be good for her. In a way I was glad because I had a couple of jobs to do that week, and I really wanted to get a little further on getting our things ready to move. The next trip to my parents’ house was going to be by U-Haul, so I decided it was best to get what I could packed up.
Jared was an amazing help, and he even got the house sold for me while we were gone. I had four weeks to be out, but I decided to be entirely moved by the time I returned for Maggie. Once I got back to California, it was going to be for good.
I knew
Jared
was still a
little unsettled about the move
and so was I
,
to be perfectly honest. I
still
didn’t know what I wanted at that point, but I did know that I wasn’t comfortable living in
Rachel
’s house anymore. I’d wanted out of there the week she died, but I was afraid of uprooting Maggie too quickly. I guess she was either pretty adaptable or too young to care, but she wasn’t affected by it at all. I was pretty sure her willingness to go along with
anything
had come from being bounced around to different places while
Rachel
was career bound. I suppose in a way it made her adjust to change easily.
Myself on the other hand… I’d been looking for stability ever s
ince I arrived in Washington. Six weeks
ago I saw Zack as a
permanent
figure in my life, and I even imagined that the three of us—Zack, Maggie, and me—would become a permanent
situation
. I would have moved in with him had he asked, and I definitely would have
said that I loved him if he had ever
said the words
first.
Okay, so that’s a complete lie. The truth is that I had no idea I wanted all of that. Yes, I
had
thought
about it, but I was so set on taking things slow and casual with
him
that anything else didn’t even seem like a possibility. Now I didn’t have anything with him, and I felt like I’d lost everything
we had
.
Every day I thought about what I did wrong when it came to Zack. I guess it all started when Jared spent Halloween with us. That was the one thing that Maggie couldn’t stop talking about when it came to Jared, and I was sure that it was probably hard for Zack to hear—especially because he’d wanted to be there with us. I guess in a way I blamed myself. My relationship with him was definitely exclusive at the time, even though we both tooted the “casual” horn. I suppose that was my way of protecting myself from getting hurt, just in case
.
I wished we could at least still be friends, but that wasn’t looking
very
likely
.
I sighed as I taped shut the very last box of the kitchen stuff. The house was definitely empty—most all of the boxes were stacked in the garage, ready to ship off. Jared came from the garage that very moment to collect the last two boxes and haul them out, and he returned to find me sitting on the kitchen counter.
He approached slowly, and I could tell he was trying to read my mood.
“It’s just strange,” I
confessed
. “I feel…displaced. It’s like closing the book but feeling like it’s not finished.”
“It’s not,” he said, standing in front of me. He
placed
his hands on my knees and added, “You’re just starting a new
one
. Or maybe the sequel
.
”
I smiled and nodded my head. “I suppose. But maybe it all feels so odd because I don’t
know if this is right. What if I’m making a huge mistake?”
“And what mistake would that be?”
“I don’t know.”
He thought for a few seconds before he asked, “You already know you don’t want to live in this house, right? I mean we’ve already established that?”
I nodded my head.
“So that decision is the right one, and we’ve just made it happen. Next would be to decide where you want to live. Usually that comes
before
a person moves
out
,” he smiled, “but you’ve decided to move to California with your parents. Is that the decision you’re worried about?”
“Sort of,” I nodded. “I don’t see anything
wrong
with t
hat decision at this time
but…I just don’t want to mess up anything else.”
He studied me carefully for a few
seconds. “I wish that meant me
.”
“What? Yes it means you.”
“Then why would you have to worry about it? I already offered you options, Taryn. You definitely don’t have to worry about losing
me
because I’m yours and I’m only interested in you and Maggie. Bu
t the ball is in your court, babe
. I can’t make those kinds of decisions for you.”
“I’m not sure about moving in with you just yet,” I said.
“I understand that. But if you did, I promise you can have the house and I would just be the sucker on the couch with the dog.”
I laughed and lightly shoved him. “Whatever. I’m not going to take over your house.”
He smiled and pulled out a key from his pocket. “Well
in any case
, I want you to have a house key. You know the code to the security alarm so you’re welcome to come and go anytime you want. If you and Maggie want a vacation in Washington, or your family, just help yourselves.”
“Jared, that’s really generous of you, but you don’t have to do that. I wouldn’t want to be there without you anyways.”
“Well, maybe there will be a time that we’ll be meeting each other there—you’re coming from one place, I’m coming from another
; or maybe you’ll need it if you come up for something that has to do with the investigation
—but just keep it, okay? I don’t know what’s in the future, but I know that I want you in it.”
He always said the sweetest things, and that made me feel really good. I pulled him close to me and wrapped my arms around
his neck to kiss him
.
We enjoyed that for a while until he pulled back to study me for a moment, even running his thumb across my cheek as he seemed to decide on voicing a thought. But I could tell he changed his mind by the way his expression changed, and he went for something more casual.