Authors: Delia Delaney
Because I knew my
closeness affected him so much
, and
that
affected
me
even more.
I didn’t know why I did it, but I moved my hands against his back
so I was holding him more decisively, and then brushed my face along his collarbone so I was nuzzled against his neck. Just that adjustment made his heart race, and that gave me great satisfaction. I moved my hands again so they came back around to the front of him, and while I slid them up his chest to lock them around his neck, I slowly brushed my forehead against his lips and paused. I enjoyed that feeling, right there against his mouth. I wanted him to know that I desired his affection, and I waited for him to make the next move.
He kissed me on the forehead and said, “I need to get going. I’ll call to check on you in the morning, okay?”
He separated from me and it instantly felt like a greater divide than it should. I was confused, and after all that was said just a few minutes prior, I didn’t understand his actions.
He glanced at me briefly as he stepped away—just enough for me to see that he appeared disheartened. I didn’t know what I did. I thought he would have liked to continue the moment.
“Jared, I don’t understand,” I said quietly.
He stopped where he was, almost past the couch. He just stood there for a few seconds
with his back to me,
and I could tell he took a deep breath. “I thought you had some things to work out,” he finally replied.
“So now that I give you a little more, you’re the one that’s going to withdraw? Is this some kind of
test
?”
“No,” he scowled, turning around to face me.
“Taryn, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, okay? I love you, I really do, but unless you’re in a position to reciprocate that, I don’t think I can do this to myself. I thought I could. I really did. I thought, ‘Man, even if I could just kiss her I would be a happy guy.’ But I know it would make things worse. For now I’m just going to take what I’ve got, and just… I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I just don’t know.”
I took my time with a reply. I was thinking about every interaction that we’d had with each other
so far
, but not only that, the thoughts and feelings I’d had for him that he wasn’t aware of. There were times that I was ashamed for considering a relationship with him because I was still with Zack, but beyond that,
Jared always seemed to be in my thoughts, day or night. He moved me in a way
that I had no control over.
“You barely know me,” I said softly. “Why do you think you love me?”
He kind of laughed, but it seemed a little
bitter
. Then he said, “Well, being away from you kills me…seeing you with another guy kills me…my heart pounds whenever I’m near you—it pounds whenever I
think
about you. You’re beautiful, your smile is incredible, I love the way you talk, and the sound of your voice… I love how you are with
Maggie, and I love the way you’re always thinking about other people—even though it drives me nuts
when
you don’t think about yourself. And if all of that isn’t enough… Man, Taryn…I pissed off tho
usands
and thousands
of people just to be in the same country as you
.”
I made a little noise, a mix of surprise and
displeasure
because it
truly
had been “a big deal” to reschedule two of his shows
in Europe
.
But it
really
did dawn on me that he was telling the truth. I’d felt it from him in the beginning, and the more I got to know him, the more I’d been feeling it since.
It’s what was drawing me to him—his genuine vulnerability to me—and I could feel how real it truly was.
We stood there looking at each other for a few seconds until he said, “I don’t know what else to say to you.
I mean I’ve tried everything that I’m capable of—writing it for you, singing it for you, standing here like an idiot for you—and I don’t know what else there is I can do.
I guess
I should probably just
make an exit, and if uh… W
ell, if you need me or anything, just call.
”
“I do need you.”
He looked at me for a long time, and I could tell he was undecided as to what he should say. Finally he sighed and said,
“I’m trying to make the right decision here. You’ve got Zack to think about, remember?”
“And once again you’re doing a one-eighty. Now you’re on his side?”
“I’m on
your
side
. I only want what’s best for
you
.
I want
you
to choose me because it’s what
you
want
, not because your other option didn’t work out. I want to be your choice, Taryn, not your option. But if I’m really not what you want, then I just want whatever else you think is best for you.
”
I felt an overload of emotions a
t that moment, but I realized one thing for sure.
“
Well I don’t know
what’s best for me, but I know that I just lied to you a bit ago.”
He lifted an eyebrow to question me.
I took a deep breath as I thought about my next words. “You gave me four options to choose from—for how I felt about you—but if I’m being honest, the answer is none of them.
Yes I still have things to work out but…
”
Again he seemed to question me, but he did it with a tilt of his head as he waited for me to continue.
“I’m horrible at sharing how I feel, Jared.”
He barely smiled. “Well, then just do your best.”
I took another breath. “I just… I really do care about you and…
Yes, I’d like to try—I mean I’m not sure how it will turn out, and that’s what worries me, but…”
He gave me a funny smile. “Hm
m
, I just don’t really understand what you’re saying,” he teased.
I was torn between
running away and punching him.
“
Come here,” I told him, pointing to the floor in front of me. “Right here.
Now
.”
He briefly raised an eyebrow at my tone, but then I think the move was too intimidating to him. He
looked a little anxious about the decision and
wouldn’t budge.
But I felt ready to go for it at that moment because my feelings for him were overwhelming me.
“You either love me or you don’t, so which is it?” I asked.
He scoffed
and shook his head. I could tell I’d insulted
him
,
but
he did end up saying
, “You meet me halfway.”
It was my turn to raise
my
eyebrow
s
.
“You meet me halfway like it
should
be,” he chose to add.
He gauged the distance with his eye and took two-and-a-half steps my way. Then he decided that was about right, nodded his head, and motioned for me to do the same.
I tried not to smile, but it was hard. However, I took two-and-a-half steps his way—a little smaller th
an his steps were—and said, “Uh-
oh, I think yo
u measured wrong.”
W
e were two feet apart
and he shook his head at me
.
“This is how it’s always going to be, isn’t it,” he said
with a tiny smile
, reaching out to
hold
my hand.
“Well if it just takes an extra nudge then that’s fine with me. I’ll work as hard as I need to for you…”
He gently pulled me to him and gathered me close, so I resumed the position we were in earlier, only I gave him my lips to kiss, not my forehead.
But i
t was almost like he was still hesitant at that point, and he paused with his mouth barely touching mine. Maybe
at first
he was deciding how he was going to kiss me
,
but
after that
,
he
started soft
and then gradually covered more ground.
The heat…it rushed through my body like
scalding
water, through my center, to my limbs, and back to my lips again. A fierce tingle traveled from the nape of my neck all the way down my spine, seeming to settle abundantly in my core.
I was
won over
; I’ll admit it. I was completely taken in by his affection and wanted more.
There always had been some
thing there between us, so why shouldn’t I see where it led? Jared had an emotional intelligence to him that I needed. I didn’t have any regrets about being with
him
at that moment—there was nothing that screamed at me, telling me I was making a big mistake. I tried to
listen to
those kinds of feelings,
and
this time…I just felt completely safe.
We slowly withdrew from each other, and while I could, I looked over his face more closely. He was doing the same to me, and softly ran his fingers through my hair.
His eyes made my heart melt because I could tell how he felt about me.
Then he leaned down and kissed me again
. I was fully enjoying the affection from him when he suddenly stopped.
“
Wha
—
?
”
“I
gotta
write a song,” he said, and it appeared like he was just going to take off.
I thought he was serious, but he couldn’t hide his smile for long and I smacked him in the arm for being rotten.
“Get back over here,” I told him, pulling him by the arm.
“Ooh, now the song is going to be titled ‘Bossy Lady.’ ”
“Quit,” I laughed, thumping him again.
“ ‘Violent Lady’,” he revised.
“It’s going to be ‘Single Lady’ if you don’t knock it off.”
“ ‘Jared’s Lady’?” he tried.
I had to think about that because it sounded odd at first. In a matter of weeks I went from Zack to Jared, and I didn’t know how I felt about that. But this was what Zack wanted; he wanted me to be sure. Now I knew he was right, just by the way I felt about Jared. I knew I had to give it a chance.
“I think I can handle that,” I replied.
He seemed surprised, like he’d been teasing me but I’d actually agreed.
“Isn’t that what y
ou want
?” I asked.
“Yes, it is,” he quickly replied. “I’m just…I mean I assume things have changed for you or…”
I sighed and said, “Okay, should we lay some things o
ut? Zack pretty much dumped me
so he could be in Switzerland for a business deal. He claims he wants me to feel free to date other people so I know for sure if I really want to be with him
when he comes back
. It hurt. A lot.
It still does.
But on the other hand, I’ve been struggling a
lot with, uh… W
ell, with how I feel about you.
It’s the reason he questioned his relationship with me.
You’ve been right all this time; I’ll admit it.
So I guess in a way he saw something that I needed, even though I’m mad at him. I still care about him, but I’m not sure where this is all going to end up.”
Jared barely nodded. I wasn’t sure what he thought about all of that, but I owed it to both of us to be completely upfront.
“Okay,” he finally said. “So…I’m kind of like on a trial basis?” That sounded terrible, and I was going to object, but he chuckled and said, “It’s fine. It is what it is. Besides, every relationship
starts as
a trial basis.”
“True.”
“And to be honest with you, I’m thrilled that you finally got a clue.” I glared at him jokingly and he smiled and pulled me close to him. “Okay, I’ll stop ruining this for myself. But before I leave for the night, you have to promise me something.”
I looked at him for several seconds before I asked, “What’s that?”
“That you’ll always tell me
how you feel about…well, us. It doesn’t matter
what it is, but I want you to me honest with me. Please?”
I knew what he meant, especially be
cause Zack was
still
in the picture, and w
e d
id talk about that for a while. By the end of the night I felt pretty happy. Jared was an amazing guy, and however things turned out in the end, I knew that I could trust him to be the kind of person to always care about me no matter what.
That meant a lot to me, and it was the only reassurance that I had to go on.