Authors: Delia Delaney
“I didn’t force it on you,” he interrupted. “I know you had feelings for Jared, and since I was going to be out of the country anyway, I didn’t want you to face any tough decisions that you would, uh, regret…”
My forehead creased in contemplation before I said, “You broke up with me so I wouldn’t be tempted to
cheat
on you?” I scoffed. I almost laughed about it, but only because it hurt. I was the one that feared a cheating boyfriend; I was the one that had trust issues. But I did feel that I could trust Zack, and that was why it hurt so much.
“Come on, Taryn. Jared Miller? How was I supposed to compete with that? You had one of the most eligible bachelors in the
world
trying to date you, and it was only a matter of time before it happened. Sure, you told me you weren’t interested, but what did you expect? You were really going to pass on the opportunity?
Lexi told me how
much you liked
Jared and that you were stressed out about deciding between the two of us. I only thought it was fair to—”
“What?” I finally said. “Lexi? You talked to
Lexi
about us? What the hell, Zack! Why would she— When?” I asked, suddenly angry again.
“I saw her up town one day and we talked for a few minutes. And yeah, she
kinda
slipped and shared something that she probably wasn’t supposed to
, but it was because I asked her about it
. But you lied to me, Taryn
.
I asked you how you felt about him, and you couldn’t answer me entirely.”
“I told you that I wanted to be with
you
!”
“But it came with a Jared addendum. You said that he just ‘keeps himself in the running.’ What exactly do you
think that means?
Huh? Because to me it means that you’re seriously considering a relationship with another guy.”
I sighed because
I could see his point
. But at the time I didn’t realize how much Zack meant to me, and had I known what my doubt was going to cause in our “casual” relationship, I might have chose
n
a different response
that day
. But hindsight is 20/20, right? I couldn’t take back my doubt, and I certainly couldn’t erase any feelings I’d had at the time.
“I wasn’t sure. Y
ou’re right.”
“And that was okay, Taryn. But you just had to say so.
I just wanted you to
be sure
.
”
“How I feel and the choices I make in relation to those feelings don’t need to be publicized step by step. You shouldn’t have made
that decision for me
—”
“It was my heart on the line, too.”
“—Y
ou should have given me time; you and
I would have been fine! I
love
d
you
Zack, and a
ll you did was make a bigger mess because
now th
ere’s a lot more at stake.
”
I
didn’t even realize what I told him
because I was feeling so emotional
, but I was wiping the tears off of my face when I realized it, and then he very quietly said, “
You loved me, like, in past tense?
Because
I love you, Taryn.
So much that…I wanted out of my business commitments so I could be available to you and Maggie as much as I could. And even though it killed me to sit back and wait, I just… I felt like I had to.
I didn’t know how to compete with Jared. And
I didn’t know what you wanted because you always pushed for our relationship to be casual. I was in love with you, but I didn’t want to scare you away.”
I silently groaned to myself, the
mixed feelings
swimming around in my head and in my heart
. He’d been in love with me all this time; all the while I was building a special
bond
with Jared.
It wasn’t fair, and I didn’t understand why I was being punished this way.
I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say even if I could. But Zack said, “Taryn, I need to see you. If I come to San Francisco will you see me?”
I wanted to agree
, but I was also thinking about Jare
d. He was staying in town for another day
until his show at t
he Warfield was over, and then he was heading up to Canada for
two shows
. We w
ere also going to
be looking at houses
in the morning
, and just the thought of that made me feel like gasping for air.
I had never considered Jared because he was famous, and it was hard for me to hear Zack bring that up. In fact, it was the opposite, as Jared had once said. I really was intimidated because of his fame; I really didn’t want to be a part of that world.
However, Jared had won me over on
other
merits, not his celebrity status…
“I do want to see you but… I don’t know, Zack. I can’t just
change
everything right now…”
“So you really have feelings for Jared, huh?” he said quietly. “Uh, you’re moving in with him, so I guess that answers my question.”
I couldn’t respond.
He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, but when he finally
did
I was surprised when he said, “Don’t take this the wrong way Taryn, but…I’m
happy if you’re happy
, okay? It doesn’t mean that I’m giving you up, but just stepping back
again
. I love you, and I
do
want to be with you, but I’ll give you time to decide if that’s what you want.
It has nothing to do with you; it has everything to do with me. I couldn’t handle sharing your interest then and I don’t think I can handle it now. It’s just…not something I’m able to do.
”
For once I actually understood where he was coming from. For once, he finally communicated in a way that made sense to me. It made me feel horrible, but I understood. I would never want to be in that position either, and I knew that he felt that way all along, but it finally hit me in a way that fully registered.
“
Zack,
I’m sorry about how things came about…”
“I just want to move on, Taryn. And I want you to be happy so…just let me know what you decide, okay?”
“T
his is…this is not easy, okay? I’ve got…this other life now and…I just…I can’t just…”
Just thinking about Jared and Maggie and Zack, and the stupid mess I was tangled up in, made me cry again. I really didn’t know what I was supposed to do, but even though I knew that I
cared about
Zack, I couldn’t just drop my life with Jared. There was too much between us, too many emotions. I
had fallen in love with him
, and
together
we were about to take a new step in our lives.
I was startled when Maggie came into the room again. I was thankful that she didn’t notice that I’d been crying, but Zack knew she was near when he heard her ask if he was still on the phone. He told me that he loved me again and that he’d talk to me soon. Then he asked to say goodnight to Maggie, so I let her speak to him for a couple of minutes while I splashed some water on my face in the bathroom. She was curled up
in the covers when I came out, and I sullenly picked up my phone from the bed where she’d left it.
For some reason I stared at Zack’s name as my most recent call, and it made me sad.
I’d already
planned on telling Jared
that Zack had called
, but it was the first thing that Maggie mentioned to him when he
arrived to pick
us up the next morning. My mom even heard, even though she was already aware of it because Maggie went on and on to her about Zack the night before while I was talking to him. But even though Jared was able to convince Maggie he was happy for her, I could tell that it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.
My mom realized the need for us to discuss it
privately
, so she convinced Maggie to help her make pancakes so we could go in the other room to talk.
“It’s like…the ex-husband that’s still in the picture,” was the first thing he said.
“Checking in with his kid.”
He said it with a partial smile, so I knew he wasn’t mad, but because of my promise to always be honest with him, I knew I was going to upset him.
“I talked to him
,
too,” I admitted.
He raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”
I sighed and I know the drooping of my shoulders betrayed my emotions.
“Oh,” he stated more sullenly.
“Jared—
”
“The truth, Taryn. That’s all I want.”
“I know, and I will be honest.
”
“Then just say it. He wants you back?”
I took a few seconds to gather my thoughts and re
plied, “In so many words, yeah.”
I looked at Jared as he sat back against the couch in silence. For once he had a blank look on his face and I couldn’t read him entirely.
“Well, just tell me where things go from here. Are you guys getting back together?”
It took me
completely
by surpris
e
. I s
hook my head and replied, “N
o, n
ot exactly.”
“What does ‘not exactly’ mean?”
“It means that I told him
I have something great with you.
”
He seemed surprised, which made me feel bad. But I couldn’t help but feel that this was such a similar conversation to the one I’d had with Zack
,
concerning
Jared
,
months ago.
Jared knew how
that
turned out, and I couldn’t blame him for being cautious.
I repeated my phone call with Zack in its entirety. Jared listened carefully and didn’t react much, but he did ask a few questions.
When he made a comment about putting off looking at houses, I assumed that I’d totally blown it with him and he wasn’t willing to make that step with me anymore. I understood, but it made my heart
break
. He must have been able to tell, because he studied me curiously for a few seconds and said, “You still want that? I mean I do, Taryn, but I just thought this meant…”
“You do?”
“Were you hoping I wouldn’t?”
“What?”
He sighed and slightly shook his head. “Sorry, that was rude.” He paused for a bit, seeming to think for a moment. Then he looked at me and said, “Okay, here’s where I stand. Just to be upfront. I still want to buy a house here, and I still want you and Maggie to live in it
if you want
. There are no strings attached
to
that, okay? You don’t have to feel like I’m offering you that only if we’re in a relationship together. It’s beneficial for me because I’m up here a lot anyways, but since you’re here, it’s even better. I want a place out of L.A. so this is it because I want to be close to you and Maggie. But if you choose to be with Zack… Obviously you and I will just be friends. Of course I want the same with Maggie too, if… Well, if there’s room in her life for me.”
“Of course there
would
be, but you don’t have to
wor
—
”
“I’m just saying.
But this doesn’t mean I’m giving you up, Taryn. There’s no way I’m stepping aside unless you tell me to.
I’m just letting you know if Zack is your choice, then
I want
to be a part of Maggie’s life
anyway
. I think he probably feels th
e same way, so just to be clear,
I’m okay with tha
t and I understand it. However,
I’ll probably be a little more cautious
because of
how
he feels about you. I’m sure he’d feel
the same way about
me
, too.”
“I’m not the type to stray,” I replied, feeling a little irritated.
He smiled and said, “I know, Taryn. I trust you entirely. But it’s just…”
“I know. I guess I understand. I would feel the same way.”
He didn’t say anything for
a
bit, and I realized that it was probably my turn for full disclosure. I took his hand in mine and it made him smile. That made me smile, and I laid my head against his shoulder. “
Jared, I love him because he’s important to me, but I’m
in love
with
you
.
I don’t hav
e plans to change anything
.
I mean not our relationship. The conversation with Zack was…emotional. And I really don’t know how I feel about it because of the circumstances.
I can’t just drop everything just because he’s… Well, just because he’s finally ready to
be honest with me
.
I’m not sure what I would have done differently along the way, but I don’t regret the time I’ve spent with you, and in a way, things may have worked out how they should have. We are lucky to be
close to you now; that might not
have happened otherwise.”