Authors: Karina Gioertz
“Happy birthday, Grandma Pearl,” I whispered. “Guess we're another year older. Of course, aging doesn't mean much to you these days. It does to me though.” I let out another sigh trying to fight off the tears I had begun to feel well up in my eyes. I began to fidget with my hands in my lap, searching for some sort of distraction, only there wasn’t one. For the first time in as long as I could remember, there was nobody around to distract me. No one else to keep me from taking a good, long, hard look at the reality of what my life had become. A reality, I could now see quite clearly, I had been avoiding intentionally. Now that there wasn’t anyone around to hide it from me, I had no choice, but to face it. I looked back up from my lap and my knotted hands and stared at Grandma Pearl. I opened my mouth, unsure of what would come out.
“Things haven't turned out quite like I thought they would...I'm alone, Grandma Pearl. I don't know why I never saw it before, but it's true, I am alone. Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful friends and they were all there tonight, wishing me a happy birthday, but they all have someone. Someone they care about, someone that cares about them. I don't have that. The truth is, I haven't had it in a long time....” as my words trailed off into the empty room, silence set in once more.
My thoughts began to wander as I recounted how long it had been since I had been involved with anyone I wasn’t living with. If I was honest with myself, it hadn’t been as unconscious a decision as I wanted to believe. The last man I had truly given my heart to had stomped on it and left it shattered in pieces as he went on his merry way. I had been completely devastated at the time. Unable and unwilling to truly recover, I had built up a wall I knew nobody would climb. Then, I had strategically placed good looking unavailable men around it to keep me from breaking through it myself. It had all worked out just the way I had wanted it to. Only now, what had seemed like a good way to keep my heart safe, had ultimately led me to heartbreak.
While I was taking a thorough account of my choices over the past several years, I had been too consumed by my own thoughts to hear the back door open. It was Noah. Moving quietly through the dark house, in an effort to be considerate at this late hour, he fumbled for the light switch above the stove. He was about to switch it on, when he heard the sound of my voice coming from the living room. Quietly, Noah retrieved his hand and then crept through the kitchen and over to the doorway to the living room to get a better idea of what was going on. He stood there silently, concealed by the shadows of the doorway and listened as I continued to ramble on.
“I'm not saying I haven't wanted to be with anyone, I have...it just hasn't worked out. And I never really felt lonely before, I mean, how could I with the guys around? Most of the time I feel like I have three boyfriends, why would I want to add a fourth one? But, tonight...” I stopped and held my breath, pressing my lips together tightly, but it was too late. The tears I had been fighting so hard to keep in, were streaming down my face and when I spoke again my voice sounded choked and the words came out as though they were being forced out in small spurts.
“Tonight I saw it, I saw the truth and the truth is that all three of my boyfriends have girlfriends and I'm not one of them. I mean, really, how pathetic am I? I really deluded myself into thinking that this is normal? That it's healthy? That it's ok for me to hang around and be their back up for when their actual girlfriends are busy or out of town?! Well, it's not ok anymore! It can't be enough for me. I want more.”
Before I realized myself what was happening, my complete and utter hurt had taken a turn towards anger. While still not very uplifting, it had given me a newfound strength and determination. It had been as though Grandma Pearl herself had come storming into the living room to knock a little sense into me and I quickly began to feel the difference. My head was no longer hanging down with my chin resting on my chest. My fingers weren’t tied up in knots in my lap and my legs weren’t curled up against my body unable and unwilling to withstand the weight of my own body. Instead, my head was lifted as I looked up into the darkness and the future that I held in my own hands which were now clenched tightly, forming fists, prepared to take down any obstacle in my path. My legs had felt a sudden surge of energy as I stood straight up and held myself upright, ready to take charge of my own destiny again.
While I had traveled the ups and downs of my own emotional rollercoaster, Noah had stood by, listening. Realizing that he had trapped himself in the darkness and deemed himself helpless by not announcing his presence immediately, he waged war within himself, fighting the urge to run in and comfort me at the sound of my painful sobs and despairing words. On several occasions, he took a few steps toward the living room before quickly retracing his steps and rebounding to the safety of the shadows that were keeping him hidden.
Still standing, I bent down and reached for the urn. Carefully, I lifted it and began talking to it again, this time, my arms were stretched out holding Grandma Pearl at what I considered to have been eye level.
“You know, Noah told me he loved me. He actually said those words. He was drunk, so I'm sure it didn't count, but he said it anyway. For a moment, I let myself think that it was true...but it wasn't. Now, he hardly even talks to me.”
Feeling a sudden sense of detachment from all that had happened, and the creeping exhaustion from allowing all of those emotions to have their turn with me, I slowly walked over to the mantle and returned the urn to its usual resting spot. “I wish he'd never said it at all. I mean, Jason is my oldest friend, but Noah is my closest. I feel like he really sees me, like he knows me better than anyone else in the world and now....I just really miss him.”
Once more the tears had begun to trickle down my cheeks, only this time, they were much more subdued than they had been before and easier to control. With a sense of finality I lifted my hand to my face and wiped the tears away for what I promised myself would be the last time that night.
“Enough now. It's going to get better. It has to. I deserve better. I was born...Lucky.” It was more of a whisper than anything, but it didn’t matter how quietly I had said the words. Inside me they had resounded loudly and with great significance.
Meanwhile, Noah had inched himself closer and closer. He was moments from revealing himself, when panic set in once more and he recoiled to the kitchen. Angry with himself, he braced himself on the kitchen counter and silently cursed himself for acting the way that he had. Then, without allowing for another moment of hesitation, he turned himself around and forged ahead into the living room. He was too late. The room was empty.
Staring around the room and the surrounding darkness in disbelief, Noah’s heart sank even further as he heard my bedroom door shut from up the stairs. He stood there alone for a long time. It wasn’t until he heard the sound of slamming car doors and Gabe and Janette’s voices approaching the front door that he quietly retreated to his own room.
New Dawn
The following
morning I awoke with an overwhelming emptiness within me. It wasn’t so much a bad empty, as it was the kind you would likely experience after an emotional breakdown like the one I had endured the night before. Now all of the pent up feelings I had been hiding from the world, as well as myself, had been replaced with an exciting sensation indicating a clean slate. I had reached the beginning of a new cycle in my life and I was ready to get on with it, even if I hadn’t figured out just where I was headed yet.
With my newfound optimism, I sat up in bed and stretched my body as far as it would go, not failing to see the symbolism in what I was asking of my physical body, as well as my spiritual self. I smiled to myself as I stood up, knowing that whatever was waiting for me outside of my bedroom would be welcomed by a new and fresh perspective. A perspective that wasn’t looking for ways that the situation could hurt me, but instead ways that it could help me get to where I wanted to go. Where that might be, I was eager to find out.
After a nice, long, leisurely shower, I spent an even longer time in front of my closet trying to decide what the new me would wear. Somehow the prospect of a style makeover made the transition to the me I wanted to become, all the more exciting. I tried on multiple variations of outfits I had already worn a million times before, settling on a pair of fitted black pants and flowy red top. The day before, I would have felt way too dressed up in this ensemble, but today it seemed perfect. The way those pants fit my lower body, reminded me of how much taking up running had done for me. The blouse was pretty and feminine and I felt altogether confident at the sight of myself in the mirror. Then, I took it all a step further by passing on my worn out flats and choosing a pair of black heels that Tara had talked me into buying months ago. I hadn’t had the guts to wear them ‘til now. I also opted to let my long hair air dry, causing it to be wavy and slightly messy, which was very unlike the straight blow dry I usually went with. I felt rebellious and bold, as I stepped out of my room and into the hall and took my first steps towards my new life.
Once downstairs, I carefully examined the kitchen for something to eat, and still feeling rather ambitious, I attempted to make a breakfast frittata, which truthfully looked disgusting, but tasted delicious. I had already finished off half of it and had settled into drinking my coffee and reading the paper (another new thing I was trying out) when I heard Gabe and Janette come down the stairs. A moment later, they were in the kitchen.
“What happened to you last night?” Gabe asked, with a somewhat accusing tone of voice.
I looked up from my paper and shrugged.
“Nothing. Why?”
“Where did you disappear to? We came back to the table when the music slowed down and you were gone. So was Noah. You guys didn't have another fight or something did you?” His tone had shifted from accusatory to concern.
“Uh-uh. I just came home and went to bed. I was exhausted. I'm old now. I can't party like you young kids anymore.” I grinned, hoping my lighthearted approach would keep Gabe from pushing the issue any further. It worked, if only to lead Janette off topic.
“Oh come on, you are not old,” she said, in what was no doubt meant to be a comforting tone, but instead came across as rather condescending.
“I don't know...if you're reading the paper now, you might be old.” Gabe never saw any reason to sugar coat things. Still shaking his head at me, he walked over to the coffeemaker and poured Janette and himself a cup. Then, he handed one of the mugs to Janette before they sat down at the table beside me.
“I just like the cartoons in the back....anyway, Jason reads the paper every morning! Do you think he's old?” I asked Gabe with my eyebrows raised, daring him to give me the wrong answer.
“Yes,” he replied simply without giving it a second thought.
“We are the same age!” I yelled outraged, slapping him on the head with my paper.
“Huh...I always forget that,” he replied, sounding just the slightest bit apologetic.
Eager to turn the conversation back to a place where it included her, Janette loudly cleared her throat and said, “Well, since you are all old and wise now, maybe Gabe will listen to you.” She was looking straight at me.
“Listen to me about what?” I asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.
“Janette wants me to move to New York, so we can finally be together,” Gabe blurted out, not sounding at all enthused at the prospect of moving.
“Oh.”
“It just makes sense that he come there,” Janette continued, “I mean, I have my career and I can't just leave. Since Gabe's been out of school, he's just kind of been bouncing from job to job. I think he could have some real opportunities in New York, that he hasn't had here.” She had started incorporating her hands while making her argument, using them to point back and forth and then indicating how very little Gabe had going for him by waving one of them very dismissively, as she spoke about his lack of direction in the way of a career.
The old me wanted to jump down her throat for even suggesting these things, but the new me, the me that was looking for change, started to see the possibilities Janette was referring to.
Standing by my new convictions, I nodded my head in agreement with what she had been saying.
“The girl makes a lot of sense. Maybe it is time for you to move on.” Then, feeling as though it may have sounded as though I was eager to be rid of him, I added, “Even though I'd hate to see you leave.”
Gabe slumped back into his chair looking defeated, while Janette was beginning to look downright giddy.
“I was afraid you'd say that,” he sighed as he took a long sip of his coffee to avoid making eye contact with either of us.
“Don't you want us to be together, Baby? And besides, every time you come to visit, you tell me how much you like the city. I already have a place, so you just have to pack your clothes and come!” Janette was trying her best to make it sound enticing.
Gabe set down his mug on the table and looked at Janette. He could see the excitement building in her eyes. Something about it must have been contagious, because the next thing any of us knew, a smile had spread across his face as well.
“Ok...I give in. Let's do it,” he agreed, clapping his hands together loudly.
“Really?” Janette looked like she was about explode, she was so pleased. Gabe nodded.