Lulu in LA LA Land (14 page)

CUT!! Hold it! You gotta know that I'm not a sneaky person. I can't ever remember a time I went behind anyone's back or took something without asking. If I really thought about what I'm about to do and about what I'm making Alexis do, I might not do it. Sometimes, though, every so often, probably around the time you're about to be eleven, you gotta let your heart take over from your head. My desire to have my family together for my birthday overpowers my thoughts of
I
could
be
killed
for
what
I'm about to do.

I'm like those people who climb into giant trees to prevent loggers with chainsaws from cutting them down. It's not exactly right for them to be in the trees because the trees don't belong to them. But their feelings take over, and they do something really important, like save a tree that has strong, deep roots and has been part of the earth for longer than anyone has been alive. So, now's my turn to save my family tree. Back to: ACTION!!

Lulu turns Alexis's room into Operation Cancellation Headquarters.

LULU

(sounding very in charge)

OK. We've got about one hour. According to their schedule, Mom and Dad nap till five o'clock.

ALEXIS

I think I'm dreaming.

LULU

(charging ahead)

We just need a couple of importante props.

ALEXIS

The stress has given me a headache. The prop I need right now is aspirin.

Lulu paces around the room.

LULU

The key to being convincing is to call everyone from Dad and Mom's personal cell phones.

ALEXIS

You're joking, right? You've eaten a rotten chip or some spoiled salsa.

LULU

This is the perfect time to nab their phones.

ALEXIS

We can't swipe their stuff!

LULU

Oh! And, geez peas! Forgot to tell ya. Jenna should be here any second to help. In case we can't find any phone numbers, Jenna said she has direct numbers for lots of exclusive places.

ALEXIS

It's like I can't process the words you're saying!

LULU

Well, since Jenna never called me, I called her. Turns out, she's still coming. And is super nice. She's a real amiga. She asked what she could do.

ALEXIS

I'm talking about your whole insane plan. We do this and Linc and Fiona will be: send-these-girls-to-boarding-school-in-Switzerland-without-a-sweater FURIOUS!

Lulu quits pacing stares at Alexis.

LULU

(in a serious, firm voice)

First, your name is all over my Spa-tacular party. If it's a big zonker, it'll be all over twitters, Facebooks, or whatever. You'll go down with the ship. Second, you owe me big time. You made a mess of things.

(softening)

Last, Lex, I can't do this without you, but we can do this together. Really!

ALEXIS

(mostly talking to herself)

It's coming into focus. If Linc and Fiona DO show up—

Alexis nervously picks nail polish off her thumb.

LULU

Not to mention Stab and Glamazon. They'll be at my party too!

ALEXIS

(looking right at Lulu)

OK. But let me just say it better work!

(to herself)

I can't believe I'm gonna do this insane plan!

INT. LINC AND FIONA'S BEDROOM—CONTINUOUS

The girls sneak into their parents' bedroom. They hear Linc's loud, powerful snoring and can't help cracking up. They cover their mouths to muffle giggles.

The bedroom's electric shades are down. It's as pitch black as a big cave. Their parents wear those weird satin eye masks, like they need that too!

Alexis and Lulu shuffle in the direction of their parents' closets. They reach Fiona's first.

ALEXIS

(whispering)

Every time I come in here, I can't believe how gigantic this closet is. It's like an apartment!

Lulu flicks on the petite crystal chandelier and shuts the door.

ALEXIS

Oh, look over there, the purse Fiona carried today.

(picking up purse)

It's full!

Alexis rummages through her mother's purse.

ALEXIS

(still whispering)

Jackpot!

Alexis holds up Fiona's iPhone then quickly slides it into her pocket.

Lulu shuts off her mom's closet light, wedges open the door, and soundlessly tiptoes into her dad's closet. Alexis follows.

LULU

I'll check Dad's jeans and jacket from today.

The phone isn't there. The girls scramble, frantically bumping into each other and dropping clothes on the floor.

ALEXIS

Oh, Lu, we're running out of time. If we don't find his phone ASAP, there won't be enough time to cancel anything!

Panic creeps into Alexis's voice. She's feeling defeated after looking through what seems like eight hundred of Linc's pockets.

LULU

Geez peas! I have a great idea! Let's call Dad's cell phone. We'll hear the ring and know where it is.

Alexis pulls her mom's phone from her pocket and dials. They hear the national anthem (Linc's ring tone), but it's coming from the bedroom! They race out of the closet and see Linc's cell phone flashing on his bedside table.

Lulu and Alexis freeze and hold their breath. Linc turns over, ignoring the music. It stops. Lulu dives for the iPhone, grabs it, and tosses it to Alexis.

The sisters crawl out of their parents' room. Giddy with excitement, they high-five each other then head down the long hall, prized cell phones wedged into Alexis's pants pockets.

Steps from their parent's bedroom, they hear
CLONK
and then
CLATTER
! Fiona's cell phone skids across the polished wood floor like a puck on ice.

ALEXIS

(panicked whisper)

It popped out!

LULU

(gasping)

UHHHHHH! It's about to hit…

Watson lies down in the phone's path. Instead of plowing into their parent's bedroom door, the iPhone thuds into Watson's chubby, furry side, barely making a sound.

LULU

(trying not to giggle)

Come, Watson.

Watson claps his mouth around the iPhone and waddles behind Lulu and Alexis.

INT. BACK INSIDE ALEXIS' ROOM—CONTINUOUS

LULU

Ready, Lex?

There's a soft knock on the door. Jenna shyly walks in. Lulu bounces over, hugs her, then hands her a list.

LULU

(to Jenna)

Know any of these places?

JENNA

(quickly scanning the list)

Sure. I've been to them all. Everyone gets their eyebrows waxed at Anastasia and—

LULU

MUCHO deluxe! Just write down the phone numbers next to each place, and then Alexis will call it!

Jenna yanks out her phone and gets going. She's scrolling and scribbling in, like, twenty seconds.

LULU

Ready, Lex? You gotta make the calls in your best grownup voice.

Alexis draws a deep breath while Lulu dials the first number. When it starts to ring, Lulu hands Alexis the phone.

ALEXIS

(snotty British accent)

Calling for Fiona Harrison! Is this Fredric speaking? Fiona will not be seeing you tomorrow at eleven a.m. She's moved on at this point. Thank you.

Alexis pauses a moment to listen to the angry response. Fredric cannot believe that his mega client, Hollywood's hottest female director, just canceled on him.

ALEXIS

(still in accent)

I'm sure you don't want me to repeat what you just said, sir. So I will simply tell Mrs. Harrison that you wish her good luck on winning Best Picture tomorrow. Good afternoon!

Alexis clicks off the call. Girls erupt in laughter.

LULU

What'd he say?

ALEXIS

It wasn't pretty.

LULU

OK, we got seven more to do just for Mom.

Lulu dials another number. She's Alexis's director—coaching, advising, and encouraging her sister the whole way through. Jenna keeps the phone numbers coming. The girls are having the best time of their lives. Alexis's British accent becomes more convincing with each call. Together, the girls undo the most difficult-to-get hair, makeup, and nail appointments, especially impossible to get on Oscar Day!

They also cancel interviews and photo sessions with reporters from all over the world. Through organization and perfect cooperation, the girls finish in forty-seven minutes flat.

Now, the hard part: sneaking the phones back into their parents' bedroom by 5:00 p.m. Oh, and getting themselves back out!

JENNA

(flashing a perfect, white, toothy smile)

Hate to dial and dash but, I told you Lu, I'm going to the Tyler Sure concert tonight. And with my mom! Geeky, right?

LULU

NO that's awesome! Mega gracias for helping.

JENNA

(giving Lulu a one-armed hug)

You guys are gonna rock this thing.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE LINC AND FIONA'S BEDROOM—CONTINUOUS

LULU

There are only a few minutes before Mom and Dad are conscious.

Lulu holds the cell phones tightly in her hands, as if squeezing hard enough might make them disappear.

LULU

Here's the plan. You race into Mom's closet, toss her iPhone into her purse, and fly back out. I'll take care of Dad's phone.

Lulu cracks open the bedroom door and shoves willowy Alexis through the opening.

LULU

(panicked whisper)

Wait!

Lulu pulls Alexis back by her belt loop.

LULU

Take off your shoes! They make too much cloppity-clop noise.

Alexis kicks off her bright green Jenni Kayne mules. Lulu sends her back through the bedroom door. Like a gazelle, Alexis leaps across the huge bedroom and disappears into Fiona's dressing area. She plunks the phone back into the purple Hermès bag then begins her retreat.

Seeing Alexis sprint out, Lulu creeps in the room.

Close up on Lulu as she steadies her aim, concentrates on her target, then releases. Her dad's iPhone skitters across the bedroom floor and slows to a stop right next to his bedside table. Alexis freezes, watching Lulu's perfect shot.

LULU

(loud whisper)

C'mon! Get out of therrrr…

An alarm peals
PLING, PLING, TING, TING
! It's from Fiona's small oval Cartier clock perched on her nightstand. Its alarm sounds like someone whacking the Eiffel Tower with a metal rod.

Alexis slides out the bedroom door. Lulu clicks it shut just as the alarm ceases. The girls grab each other and burst into laughter.

CUT!! Again, sorry, I know you want to see what happens next, but this is important. Pulling this party from the scrap heap has been a growing experience. And it doesn't even hurt, like when you get an achy leg and some adult tells you it's just growing pains.

And WOW! Note to self: consider trying out for the U.S. Olympic curling team. Wouldn't that show all those Crosswinds kids who think I'm the ultimate worst klutz ever?! Back to: ACTION!!

EXT. HARRISON'S FRONT ENTRANCE AND MOTOR COURT—EARLY SUNDAY MORNING

Tired and bedraggled from the hoopla festivities of the night before, Fiona and Linc stand nervously, waiting for Petal to pick them up and take them to Oscar-day appointments.

Alexis and Lulu spy on their parents from the window of Alexis's ginormous bathroom, which is strewn with hair products, nail polish, makeup, body lotions, and perfume bottles—all waiting for pre-party use.

LULU

(loud whisper)

Petal should be here by now. She's probably stuck in line at Caffe Luxxe.

ALEXIS

(worried)

Linc and Fiona better get out of here. The tent, flowers, food—everything's about to pull up right in front of them.

LULU

We better distract them! They gotta stay totally spaced out that it's my Spa-tacular. I don't want them to suspect anything when their morning starts to go, well, mucho wrong!

Lulu and Alexis race downstairs. Lulu reaches the bottom of the stairs first. Hair flying, face red, and panting, Lulu bursts through the front door.

LULU

Bye, Mom and Dad. Have a great day. See ya…soon.

Lulu smiles her sweetest smile because she knows they'll be back before they know it.

ALEXIS

(now also outside)

Yipes! You guys look wiped. You better get transformed on the double!

Hidden behind very oversized sunglasses, Linc and Fiona manage weak, tired smiles in response. At that moment, Petal pulls up and the couple drops into the back seat. Petal hands each of them a soy vanilla latte.

LULU

(to Alexis)

I can't take this anymore. They've gotta go!

Petal hits the gas as soon as Lulu's “go” is spoken. The girls watch their parents zoom down the driveway.

ALEXIS

That was WAY stressful. I'm gonna faint.

LULU