Man From Mundania (62 page)

Grey smiled. "Much the same thing! Airports are al-

ways rushed, and the planes are always late even though

they're listed as being on time, and the baggage is a giant

lottery system. So many travelers were beating the odds

and keeping their bags by carrying them onto the planes

that the government had to change the law, making them

check their bags, and now the losses are back up to par or

even beyond it. It's a bad dream, all right!"

"This can't be where the Good Magician is living!"

Ivy said.

"I'll ask someone," Dolph said confidently. He stepped

boldly forward. "Hey, you!" he called at a passing man.

The man eyed him with mild annoyance and rushed on.

"I thought you were supposed to be able to get help,

here in the gourd," Ivy said.

"I am. But I haven't been here in a long time; maybe

they don't recognize me." He tried again, this time hail-

ing a woman. "Hey, miss!"

"Don't you touch me, you sexist!" she snapped, jerk-

ing away.

"I'm not a sexist!" he protested. "I don't even know

what it is!"

288 Man from Mundania

"Then you're a juvenile delinquent," she said over her

shoulder as she zoomed away.

"Got you dead to rights," Ivy murmured.

"This is getting us nowhere," Grey said. "Mundanes

never help strangers; you have to get someone in authority.

I think I see a policeman now. I'll ask him."

Dolph looked, and quailed. "That's the dread demon in

blue! He chased us all over the place!"

But Grey was already stepping out to intercept the man.

"Officer—may we get some help?"

The demon bore down on them. Not only was he garbed

in blue, he was big and fat and looked ferocious. "Ya

disturbina peace?" he demanded. "Complaints aboutya!

Gonna runyain!"

"We are looking for an address, officer," Grey said.

"If you could-"

But the man's beady eye had fixed on Dolph. "Hey,

Iknowya! You'n that barebroad—"

"He is Prince Dolph," Ivy said indignantly. "You're

supposed to help him!''

"Prince Dolph!" the man exclaimed. "Whyn'tya sayso!

Whatcha need?"

"You mean you're not going to chase us?" Dolph asked,

gaining courage.

"Stallion sez giveya anythingya want. Whatchawant?"

"We need to find an address," Ivy said. "Damescroft—"

"Dames? What kinda placeya think thisis?" the blue

man demanded indignantly. "None a that streetstuffhere!"

"Damescroft," Ivy repeated carefully. "It must be a

place. The next part is Silly Goose Lane."

"Never hearda it," the man said with certainty. "No

gooses here! I'll runin anyone tries it!"

"Little Halingberry?" Ivy asked, reading the next line.

"Lemme seethat!" the policeman said. He took the

paper. "Well nowonder! Yareadingit backwards! Yawant

Angle-Land!''

"But I read it in the order it's listed," Ivy protested.

"Listenup, sugarplum, this's Mundania, erproximation

thereof! Readfrom bottomup!''

Ivy glanced disbelievingly at Grey, but he agreed with

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the policeman. "That's the way Mundane addresses are

read," he said. "I assumed that it was different in Xanth

or I would have said something."

"This isnt exactly Xanth," she reminded him. "It's a

bad dream."

He smiled. "And a bad dream in Xanth is of Mundania!

It certainly makes sense!" Then he turned to the police-

man. "If you will just tell us where Angle-Land is, officer,

we shall be happy to go there and get off your beat."

"Well, itsa longway, butfer PrinceDolph wegotta short-

cut. Taketha doorthere." He pointed with a fat finger.

"Thank you, officer," Grey said. "You have been most

helpful."

They walked toward the indicated door. "He's almost

decent," Dolph said, amazed. "Before, he chased us all

through this place, because of Grace'1. Said she was in-

decent. ''

"But I thought Grace'1 is a walking skeleton!" Grey

said. "Her bare bones may be frightening, but hardly in-

decent!"

"Oh, when she was clothed with illusion!" Ivy ex-

claimed. "So she looked like a bare nymph!"

"Mundanes think bare nymphs are indecent," Grey

agreed. "At least, when they go out in public."

"It certainly is a strange place," Ivy agreed.

They reached the door. Ivy put her hand on the knob

and turned it. The door swung open.

The scene beyond surprised them all. It consisted of

angles of every description. Some looked like thin pie

slices, while others were as square as the corners of cas-

tles, and yet others were broad and dull.

"I don't see why the Good Magician would want to live

here," Dolph remarked.

"Maybe it improves further in," Grey said. "This re-

minds me too much of geometry.''

"Who?" Ivy asked.

"It's a branch of mathematics," he explained. "One of

those tortures, like Freshman English, I hope never to face

again."

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Man from Mundania

"I can see why," Ivy said. Indeed, this looked like an

awful place to live!

They stepped into Angle-Land. Some of the angles were

stationary, while some moved around. Ivy almost collided

with a very pretty little one. "Ooops, pardon me!" the

angle begged. "Normally I see very well, for I am acute,

but I'm afraid I wasn't looking where I was going,"

"You certainly are cute," Ivy agreed. "Can you show

us the way to Hurts?"

"You say my sharp point hurts you? Oh, I'm so sorry!"

"No, no!" Ivy said, smiling. "I said that you look very

nice. You're the cutest angle I've seen here."

The angle blushed, pleased. "Well, I am supposed to

be, you know. But I wouldn't want to hurt anyone."

Ivy realized that this angle's horizons were limited.

"Thank you. We shall keep looking."

They went on. The next angle they encountered was

relatively dull; its point would not cut anything. "Hello,"

Ivy said. "Can you tell us where Hurts is?"

"Duh," the angle said.

Dolph nudged her from one side, and Grey from the

other. "It's stupid," the one said.

"It's an obtuse angle," the other said.

The angle heard then. "Duh, sure, I'm obtuse! I'm sup-

posed to be. See, my point is much wider than that acute

gal you were just talking to." He said this with evident

pride.

"Yes, I can see that," Ivy said, and the dull angle

smiled with satisfaction.

They went on. The next angle was perfectly square.

"Do you know where Hurts is?" Ivy asked.

"I wouldn't think of admitting to anything like that!"

it replied. "I am after all a right angle."

"But all we want are directions!" Ivy said.

"I am sure I am quite correct in declining to comment

on that sort of thing."

Ivy saw that this angle was hopelessly self-righteous.

They went on.

They came to a wall. "Have we run out of angles?"

Grey asked, looking about.

Man from Mundania
       
291

"What do you think I am—a curve?" the wall inquired.

"Certainly not an angle," Ivy said. "You look abso-

lutely straight to me."

"Precisely: I am a straight angle. A hundred and eighty

degrees. Not a degree more, not a degree less."

"He's right," Grey murmured.

"Not at all, lout!" the angle retorted. "The last one

you talked to was a right angle; I am a straight angle, as

I just informed you. I deviate not an iota from my course."

"Do you know where Hurts is?"

"Do you suppose I am the straight man for your crude

humor? It will never work; I shall not deviate!"

"He's too straight," Grey muttered.

"It is impossible to be too straight or too narrow!" the

angle proclaimed.

They moved on. They came to a bend so wide it was

bent backwards. "What's your angle?" Ivy inquired.

"Now that is a subject for suitable cogitation," it re-

plied. "Whether it is nobler to suffer the slings and arrows

of outrageous questions, or—"

"All we want," Ivy said firmly, "is to find the way to

Hurts. Do you know it?"

"As I was saying, before you so rudely interrupted me,

that is a matter for reflexion, and I am of course the one

to do it, being a reflex angle. So let us consider: what is

to be gained or lost by your proceeding to such a painful

locale? On the one hand—"

"I'm hurting right now," Dolph said. "These angles

think they're real sharp, but to me they're pretty dull."

"Philistine!" the angle shot back.

"You know," Grey said, "if puns are the way of it

here, maybe we should go for the big one: Hurts must be

where the most cutting angles are."

"The ones that can hurt you worst," Dolph agreed.

They headed back toward the acute angles. "Now don't

be thoughtless about this!" the reflex angle called. "There