Microsoft Word - Jakefinalnoappex.doc (10 page)

damages, even though one family has promised to cover the costs to repair the damage and replace any

missing equipment. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Unless it only gave voice to a deeper conflict.”

I hadn’t thought of that before, but thinking back I realized that those voicing the strongest opinions were

divided on other things as well. “You might be right, John. We’ve had this underlying tension between

people who think our fellowship is too ingrown and those who worry that bringing in a lot of new people

will spoil what we have.”

“That’s not uncommon. I’ve been with groups who’ve fought over what kind of songs to sing or who can

use the new gymnasium. Some think of what might attract new followers. Others want to keep it the way

they can enjoy it. These things are never easy.”

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“I’m just sick of the whole mess and dread going back. We’re having a special meeting tomorrow night.

Everyone’s pretty angry. It’s not going to be pretty. Some of our board members are demanding the youth

pastor’s resignation and are angry with the pastor for letting this whole thing get out of hand.”

“How do you think it will turn out?”

“If the pastor is good at anything, it is saving his own skin. He’ll probably have to let the youth guy go. He’s

already told him that if he will resign he will give him a good recommendation down the road. But that’s

where he wants me to lie for him.”

“What does he want you to say?”

“He is trying to distance himself from this whole thing by telling others he had no idea what kind of group

this was. But he did. He’d heard one of their CDs beforehand, and had been warned their music was on

the edgy side. The pastor heard it and told Ben and me how excited he was about reaching out to the

hurting youth of our community.”

“Uh oh!”

“Yes. Now he’s changed the story. A couple of days ago one of our elders tore into him and he defended

himself by saying he’d been blindsided by the whole affair. He said I was the one who approved it. Now

the pastor and Ben are telling opposing stories and calling each other liars. When I reminded the pastor of

our earlier conversation, he said he had felt trapped and in the heat of the moment had forgotten that he

heard the CD. When I told him he needed to clarify his story, he told me that while it wasn’t technically

true, it at least represented the truth. If he had any idea what would have happened that night he would

never have given his consent. He wants me to back up his story and hang Ben out to dry. He told me that

after all he’s done for me, I owe him this.”

“It seems to me that if you owe him then he never really did anything for you.”

His words hung in the air while I tried to figure out what he meant. “You mean he didn’t do those things for

me? Who then? For himself?”

“Who else? Do you see how our definitions of love get twisted when institutional priorities take over? He

probably cares about you. I don’t mean to discount that but he is still at the center of it. Now he wants to

call in a debt you don’t owe.

“The problem with church as you know it, Jake, is that it has become nothing more than mutual

accommodation of self-need. Everybody needs something out of it. Some need to lead. Some need to be

led. Some want to teach, others are happy to be the audience. Rather than become an authentic

demonstration of God’s life and love in the world, it ends up being a group of people who have to protect

their turf. What you’re seeing is less of God’s life than people’s insecurities that cling to those things they

think will best serve their needs.”

“Is that why people can suddenly become so vicious when they are threatened? They act like angry dogs

when someone’s trying to take their bone away.”

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“Exactly! And they do it thinking God is on their side. At times like this the group often splinters into new

arrangements that will better serve each other’s insecurities. After their bitterness recedes the cycle will

begin all over again.”

“So no matter what I do, it’s just going to get worse.”

“Have you got a choice to make?”

“I’ve got to back one or the other.”

“Or just tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. It seems to me you’re not being asked to choose

between Jim or Ben but between the truth and a lie.”

I didn’t know what to say or what I would do. Though John made the choice clearer, he didn’t make it any

easier. There was so much at stake and I hated being put in this position. The silence grew awkward.

Finally John stood up. “I don’t know what you’re going to do, Jake, but one thing I’ve learned over the years.

Any friendship that demands that you lie to save it probably isn’t a friendship at all.”

I hated to think my friendship with Jim wasn’t real. “It’s just a weak moment, I’m sure. He’s in trouble with

some important people and is only trying to do what’s in the best interest of the church.”

“Is that what he told you, or did you come up with that whopper on your own?”

I stared at him realizing that this conversation wasn’t helping ease my frustration. If anything my anxiety was

growing. I let out a deep sigh as my head fell into my hands.

“I wish it were that easy. We’ve been friends a long time.”

“Friendship is a great thing, Jake, but not when it gets twisted like this. As I recall you told me that

friendship was already diminishing.”

Somehow I had lost sight of that when Jim came asking for my help. He’d acted so concerned about me

and apologized for getting so busy he had let our friendship slide. I had been sucked back in. “You’re right,

John. He has been very distant for a long time and rarely opens his heart during our staff sharing or prayer

times.”

“What do you think he’s hiding from?”

“How should I know? I’m not even sure he is hiding.”

“You’re not?” he asked with a raised eyebrow, making it clear that he was going to await a response.

“I don’t know. He’s definitely less accessible to the staff and the body.”

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“It’s been my experience that when people grow distant from friendships they’ve had for a while, they’re

usually hiding something. What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I have everything to gain by backing him and everything to lose if I don’t.”

“So you’re at the center of your world, then, as much as Jim is of his.”

That didn’t sound good.

John continued, “I know how powerful that looks to you, Jake, but don’t be fooled. If you want to live this

journey, you have to put honesty above personal expedience. It’s easy to try to cover things for the good of

the institution, but that’s a step down a path where God does not reside.”

“But I need this job at least until I can sort out something else.”

“There are worse things that could happen, Jake, than losing a job. And it won’t change God’s

responsibility to take care of you.”

“What are you saying? I should just walk away? I can’t imagine I’d survive without this church. It has been

my home for so long and I’d die without it!”

“That’s what they want you to think, but it isn’t so. It also explains why everyone is fighting so viciously.

They don’t think they can give it up either, so they have to win. This trap has captured many a child of God.

When we’re so afraid we can’t make it without the institution, then right and wrong go out the window.

The only thing that concerns us is our own survival. That kind of reasoning has led to incredible pain over

years of church history.”

“I don’t mean it the way you’re saying it, John.”

“I’m sure you don’t, but that’s still the reality. When we build church life on the basis of need, we are

blinded to the real work of God through his church.”

“What do you mean?”

“Why do people go to your church, Jake?”

“Because we’re supposed to have fellowship. We need it to be fed, to stay accountable to others and to grow

in God’s life together. Are you saying that’s not right?”

“So if someone doesn’t attend any more, what happens to them?”

“They should find another local church and get involved, or they will whither spiritually or fall into error.”

“Listen to yourself, Jake. You’re using words like ‘need,’ ‘should’ and ‘supposed to.’ Is that the body life

God’s called you to?”

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“I thought so.”

“Scripture doesn’t use the language of need when talking about the vital connection God establishes

between believers. Our dependency is in Jesus alone! He’s the one we need. He’s the one we follow. He’s

the one God wants us to trust and rely on for everything. When we put the body of Christ in that place, we

make an idol of it, and you end up wrapped up in knots over the situation you’re in. Religion survives by

telling us we need to fall in line or some horrible fate will befall us.

“We share body life together, not because we have to, but because we get to. Anyone who belongs to God

will embrace the life he wants his children to share together. And that life isn’t fighting over control of the

institution, but simply helping each other learn to live deeply in him. Whenever we let other factors get in

the way of that we only use love to get our hooks into people. We reward them with affection and punish

them by withholding it.”

A light went on deep inside me. I knew he was right. “How could I have not seen this before, John? The

whole system has a hook in it. We even use things like ‘doctrinal unity’ to control people by stifling any

disagreement. Since most people only tend to feel good about themselves when they are pleasing others,

it’s natural that they would want to conform to our teaching and our programs. John, this is horrible.”

John just sat quietly, letting the personal discovery continue.

I couldn’t believe how blind I’d been to all the ways we’d manipulated each other. No wonder I’m

exhausted all the time! I’m trying to meet other people’s expectations at the same time I’m trying to

manipulate them to meet mine. I had done to others exactly what the pastor was now doing to me. I was

even doing it to Laurie, bringing the stress home to my own marriage. “This underscores almost everything

I do, John.”

“I know it does, but just remember you’re not alone. Remember how Jesus’ own disciples schemed to get

first place in his kingdom, and to use God’s power to punish the Samaritans? Until you discover how to trust

God for everything in your life you will constantly seek to control others for the things you think you need.”

“What am I supposed to do then, John? Just give up my job?”

“I don’t think that is the choice right now, is it? If I were you I’d lean in a little closer to Jesus and ask him to show you what he wants you to do. He’ll make it clear to you if you don’t complicate it with any attempts to

protect yourself—not to keep your job, not to be liked by others, not even to save your reputation.”

“He who saves his life loses it, eh?”

“Those words are at the heart of learning to live in the reality of Jesus’ kingdom. And don’t forget the rest of

it: ‘He who loses his life for my sake will find it.’ This road is rarely easy, but you will find the joy of living in his life will far outweigh any pain in the process.”

“But what if I’m wrong?”

“Wrong about what? Would you betray the truth just to hold onto a paycheck?”

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“No, I get that. What if I’m wrong about this whole situation and I’m just being selfish?”

“Selfishness will protect yourself at someone else’s expense. Risking job, reputation and friendships to be

true to your conscience doesn’t sound selfish to me.”

“But how can I be certain I won’t make a mess of things?”

“Whether or not you make a mess of things really isn’t the issue, is it? Neither is being certain. You can only

be responsible to do what you think is best. If you make a mistake you will see it in time and learn from it. At

least you’ll learn to be more dependent on him than on this thing you call church. No one is perfect, Jake,

and when you give up trying to look like you are, then you’ll be free to follow him.”

John put his arm on my shoulder and assured me that he would be praying for me. “It’s time for me to be

moving on,” he said, turning and hoisting his backpack up on his shoulders. At that I glanced at my watch

and couldn’t believe the time. My wife is always nervous when I hike into the wilderness alone and I

promised to be back to civilization to give her a call by 3:30. With a good hour-long hike to go I was already

going to be late, and I was afraid she’d send out the whole Forest Service to find me.

“Oh my goodness! I’m almost an hour late,” I said, scurrying to gather up my things. “Are you heading back

down to Huntington?”

“No. I’m going to hike west from here and stay up a few more days.”

“I suppose it won’t help to ask you if we can meet again someday soon?”

“Neither of us is in control of that, Jake, and we really don’t need to be. Look what happened today. If

God’s big enough to bring us across each other’s paths in the middle of the Kaiser Wilderness, I think we

can let him be in charge of our next meeting.”