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I didn’t have time to argue with him so we embraced to say our good byes and I set out for the trailhead.

The last I saw of John he was climbing up the rocky hillside to the west of Nellie Lake. If I’d known then

what lay ahead, I think I would have just stayed at the lake.

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- 6 -

Loving Father or Fairy Godmother?

It had been almost two months since I’d last seen John by the shores of Nellie Lake, but it seemed a lifetime

ago. The congregational meeting that followed our encounter had proved to be my Waterloo. I had hoped

my friend, pastor and boss would have come to his senses and tell the truth before the meeting, or even

shortly thereafter. But he did not. He valued the comfort of a lie over whatever friendship we’d had. I was

shocked!

He’d given me an ultimatum before the meeting to support his story or look for employment elsewhere. I

came close to caving in but in the end I couldn’t bring myself to lie for him. I did skirt the edges of the truth

as far as I could, saying that I thought he had endorsed the concert, though maybe I had misunderstood

him. His piercing look told me my ploy had not passed muster. The next morning, he chewed me out,

accused me of betraying the friendship and demanded my resignation by the end of the day. I gave it to him

by the end of his next breath, slipping it out of the notebook I carried into our meeting.

“I am so disappointed in you,” he said, refusing to make eye contact. “You had such promise and now you’ve

thrown it all away! For what purpose?” He told me he would see that I got paid until the end of the month

and warned me that he would destroy me in that town if I gossiped about him. As I started to leave he

seemed to soften a bit, “In spite of this, we’ll never forget the contributions you made during your time here

and I hope you will keep coming to this church to get the healing you need.”

I nodded as I left, shocked at his audacity. Who gets healed at the scene of the accident? For that you need a

hospital, or a doctor at least. When Laurie and I and our children did not attend the next Sunday, Jim read

our resignation letter and, as we heard it later, launched into a twenty-minute tirade about the high

character required of people in ministry. He told the people I had lied to discredit him and to take over his

position. Character flaws in ministry will always surface in times of crisis, he added. I was shocked to learn

that he had turned his sin into my indictment.

A few friends called to support us and say they were leaving too, but most shunned us. In the days that

followed I was mortified each time people turned away from me in a store, pretending they didn’t see me.

Laurie and I attended a few different congregations on Sundays because we felt like we should, but our heart

wasn’t in it, now that we knew what was behind the smoke and mirrors. I was lost. Some who had left the

church when we did hoped I’d start another one, but I didn’t have the heart to do it. The longer I delayed,

the more their friendships drifted away as well.

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Finding my way back into real estate was not any easier. The market was down and people were overstaffed

everywhere. I started to put together a business of my own, but my old contacts had already found others to

represent them and it didn’t look promising.

With few friends, no measurable income and a hopeless future ahead, I finally hit rock bottom. That was

until Laurie called me on my cell phone that morning to tell me our daughter had an asthma attack at school

and had to be taken to the hospital. As I rushed to meet her there, my anger exploded. After all I’d done for

God, it seemed like he could take care of my family better than this. I seethed inside, not even sure how I

would pay the hospital bill since I was no longer insured.

So now do you understand why I wanted to run when John came into the cafeteria that night? Yes, Andrea

was better for the moment, but I was livid and wanted no part of God in the middle of this. What had I

done so wrong that my daughter must suffer like this?

I’d sought a brief refuge in the cafeteria to grab a cup of coffee, read a news magazine and try not to think

about everything that overwhelmed me. That’s when John poked his head into my private sanctuary. Now

he was walking over to my table and I honestly thought about punching him in the mouth if he dared to

open it. I knew I wouldn’t. I’m only violent inside, not on the outside where anyone else can see it. I

hoped he would read my body language and just go away, but he kept coming. He finally stopped behind

the chair across from me and started to pull it out. “Do you mind if I join you?”

Of course I mind! Get out of here! You’ve been nothing but trouble since the day I met you! But my “nice”

filter edited all of that out before it got to my mouth. What came out was, “I think I’d just as soon be alone.”

He seemed surprised. He gently nudged the chair back under the table and in his gentle voice said, “That’s

fine with me, Jake. We can talk another time.” I looked up and let out an angry sigh as he walked around the

table toward me and put his hand on my shoulder. Squeezing it affectionately he said, “I just want you to

know how sorry I am for all you’re going through. I really do care about you.” One more pat and then he

headed for the door.

I glared at his back as he walked away. A battle raged inside. Most of me was angry enough to strangle him

before he said another word, but a small and compelling part of me wanted to know what he’d have to say

about the mess I was in. If he got to that door I didn’t know when I’d ever see him again. As he pressed the

crash bar on the door I heard myself yell out, “John, wait!”

He turned with his back bracing the open door and looked back. “I’m sorry to be so rude. We can talk a bit

if you’d like.”

“Are you sure, Jake? Sometimes being by yourself at a time like this can be the best thing.”

“I’m tired of being alone...” My words were swallowed up in an uncontrollable sob that raced up my throat

and convulsed me with pain. I couldn’t say another word as the tears and sobs flowed from an untapped

well. As John walked over I remembered feeling embarrassed and stupid all at once since I’d never been

one to cry even at my worst moments. I tried to stop but couldn’t and John came around behind me and put

his hands on my shoulders.

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“It’s OK,” he said massaging my shoulders. “You’ll be OK.” I thought I could hear him praying under his

breath, but I was so wracked with sobs I couldn’t understand him. Where had all this come from?

It was probably only five minutes or so before I could regain my composure, but it felt like twenty. I

managed to choke out an occasional, “I’m sorry,” but he kept assuring me he was in no hurry for me to get

through it. I’ve never been comfortable around people exhibiting as much emotion as I was, but John

seemed at peace through it. He waited with words of reassurance as the pain exhausted itself.

When it did, he finally sat down beside me. I didn’t even pretend to hide my anger from him. How could

God let all these horrible things happen to me when I was trying to stand up for him? And to let my little girl

go through all this and I don’t even have a way to pay for it. I had begged God to heal her, provide for my

family and destroy my former friend for all he did to hurt me. The last prayer I knew was a bit suspicious,

but David had often prayed that way in the Psalms. “And most of all, I’m mad at you! Ever since you came

waltzing into my life everything has exploded in my face. I’ve never been more frustrated with my spiritual

life or more isolated from the church. And now I don’t even have an income to show for it! Some great life

in Christ this turned out to be!”

John didn’t take the bait as he sat back and just looked at me with those piercing eyes I’d first seen on the

street in San Luis. I wanted him to be as angry as I was and defend himself; but he didn’t. He cupped his

head in his hand and sighed. “I know it isn’t easy right now, Jake! These times never are. Just try to

remember you’re in the middle of a story, not at the end of it.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“God is doing something in you, answering the deepest prayers you’ve ever prayed. Yes, that process has

brought some incredible pain in your life, but he has not abandoned you, Jake. Far from it! He’s holding on

to you today as tightly as he ever has.”

“It sure doesn’t feel like it. It feels like he’s turned every weapon he has against me.” Then after a brief pause my cynical side raised its ugly head, “I know, feelings don’t matter.”

“On the contrary they matter a lot! But the fact that you don’t feel him holding you doesn’t change the fact

that he still is. It just means your feelings are set to the wrong frequency. I’m not sure this is the best time to get into this, but God wants to help you see through some things that keep tripping you up.”

“Well then I guess I’m not angriest at you, I’m angry at him! I don’t want him using my life as a football that

other people can kick around.”

“He’s not like that. I know it feels like you’ve lost everything you value the most and in many ways you have.

Don’t think he’s orchestrated these events for some higher purpose. You’ve been asking to know him as he

really is and that will always bring consequences. It is always easier to play the culture’s game, even its

religious game, than to discover who God really is and how he wants to walk with you.

“But at least I knew then how I was going to pay the bills.” I shot back.

“Or at least you thought you did.”

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With a deep sigh I glared at John. This is what I really hated about our conversations. He could drop in a

comment like that and I’d be left wondering for days or even weeks what it meant. He didn’t seem to

explain himself unless I asked and I’m not really sure I wanted to know anymore. I wrestled with whether

to ask him or simply to excuse myself to go back to check on Andrea.

The silence hung between us for a long time. I was determined not to ask nor to give him another opening.

Finally John cocked his head with the slightest smile, “But you were always frustrated, weren’t you?”

“When? Frustrated with what?”

“Playing the religious game. It never satisfied you, did it? Didn’t you go to bed frustrated every night that God

didn’t do what you expected of him?”

“Not always,” I responded, as I thought back over the last few years. “I remember some pretty incredible

times of God being good to me.”

“I’m sure that’s true, but did any of them last?”

“No, and that is what’s so maddening. Just when I think things are going to get really good, they unravel. I

have yet to find the reality of Christianity like I read about in Scripture. I don’t get it. Even getting to know you started with such promise and now it is just as frustrating as everything else that has God’s name on it.”

“And why do you think that is?”

“Listen, John, if you have something to tell me, just let me have it. I don’t have the strength or energy to play

word games with you.”

“I’m sorry, Jake,” John said as he reached out to grab my forearm that was lying under me on the table. “I’d

never play that kind of game with you.”

“What is going on, then, John? After all I’ve done in the last few months to make things right with God

you’d think he could do better by me. I haven’t got a job. My reputation has been destroyed with people I’ve

known for over two decades. Laurie and I are at each other’s throat and my daughter almost died today.”

“So you think God owes you better?”

“Doesn’t he? Why should I try so hard to follow him if he won’t watch out for me?”

“So that’s it,” John replied, leaning back on his chair. “You grew up with the idea that your goodness would

actually control the way God treats you. If you do your part, he has to do his.”

“That’s not true?”

“Jake, God’s doing his part all the time. He loves you more than anyone else ever will and will not keep his

hands out of your life. Sometimes we cooperate and sometimes we don’t and that can affect how things sort

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out. But don’t think you can control God by your actions because it isn’t like that. If we could control God,

he’d turn out like us. Wouldn’t it be better to let him have his way with us so we become like him?”

“But look at the mess I’m in, John. I’ve just tried to do what was right and it hasn’t helped me at all.”

“But it has in ways you don’t know yet. God is setting you free from the things which you used to find security

in the past. They were in the way of God being the Father to you that he knew you wanted and they were

false hopes anyway. Losing them is always painful and I know you’re dealing with more than most right

now, but you are wrong to think God has turned against you, or that he is somehow ignoring you.”

“What else can I think? I thought God was making some things clearer to me and I thought that would bring

some added joy and peace to my life. I thought others would love it as much as I did. But I find out that they