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do not and I’m wondering myself if I’ve not been duped. If this was God don’t you think things would be

getting better?”

“I would, and, I think they are.”

I could barely contain myself. “How can you say that? Are you some kind of an idiot? Look at what I’m going

through here!”

“I’ll admit your circumstances seem much worse now. But that’s not the only place to look. You’re on a

new road with your eyes on old road signs. I think what God wants you to know is that those old road signs

are nothing but myths to prop up a dying system. They don’t really work, as you’re finding out.”

“What kind of myths?”

“For one, you think suffering is a sign of God’s displeasure with you. Didn’t Job make that mistake? Suffering

often indicates that God is setting us free from something so that we can follow and embrace him more

deeply. Walking in his life will always mean you are going against the grain. Don’t expect your

circumstances to conform easily to this journey. They will resist it at every turn. God wants to teach you how

to walk with him through these things so that you can know a joy and peace that transcends circumstance.”

“But doesn’t God promise to bless those who follow his ways?”

“Certainly that is the fruit of doing so, but he doesn’t define those blessings in your terms. He’s leading you

on a greater journey than you can yet fathom. Keep following him and you’ll be absolutely astounded by

him. The hardest thing you’ll learn in this journey is to give up the illusion of controlling your own life or

that you can manipulate God to bless you.”

“That’s what you meant about paying my bills, didn’t you?”

“Yes. God will provide for you. He always has, except you don’t know that. The fact that you don’t have

insurance or a job to lean on doesn’t mean he will forsake you. The fact that others are destroying your

reputation doesn’t mean they’ll have the final say. God is not a fairy godmother who waves the magic wand

to make everything the way we want it. You won’t get far if you question his love for you whenever he doesn’t

meet your expectations. He’s your Father. He knows far better what you need than you know yourself. He

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is a far better provider for you and your family than you yet know. He is bringing you into his life and rather

than saving you from these things you are enduring, he has chosen to use them to show you what true

freedom and life really are.”

“So he likes me to suffer?”

“I hope you know better than that. He agonizes right along with you. How can he not? He loves you. He is

not doing this to you, he is working through the brokenness of this world to accomplish something greater

in you. Once you know that, even the sting of difficult circumstances will be blunted. You’ll find him in the

midst of them and watch him accomplish his purpose without your control. This is where his life truly

begins to take hold in you.”

“I think I’d rather just be happy,” I said with a mock chuckle. It was the first shot at humor I’d taken in the

last few days and it felt good.

“But happiness is a pretty cheap substitute for being transformed into his image, wouldn’t you say?”

“I know! But this isn’t easy.”

“No one said it would be. But you make it even harder on yourself when you think God is against you! What

if you knew he was right in this with you, leading you to the life you’ve begged him for?”

I had to think about that for a minute. “Then I certainly wouldn’t be so overwhelmed.”

“No, you wouldn’t. And you’d still be able to enjoy his presence while he’s working this out. You’re missing

what every writer of the New Testament proclaimed—even though God does not orchestrate our sufferings,

he uses them to bring freedom at the deepest core of our being. If you walk with him through it instead of

pushing him away with blame or accusation, you’ll be surprised at what he will do.”

“But I still don’t know how I’ll pay this hospital bill.”

“But he does, Jake! He’s already working that out. The fact that you can’t see it yet doesn’t alter that reality.”

“That would be OK for me if I didn’t have to see my daughter go through all of this. I can’t imagine that he’d

make her sick to deal with me.”

“And you’d be right about that. Andrea has her own journey with God and he’ll walk her through this as

well. You can’t keep her from suffering and her struggle is not something God did to get through to you. But

I don’t think you’ll ever see her with asthma again.”

“Really? Why would you say that?”

“I actually came to the hospital this evening to see another friend of mine whose life is approaching its end.

That’s how I knew you were here. I saw you and your wife having a bit of a discussion outside Andrea’s

room earlier.”

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Immediately I flashed back to that harsh exchange. Both of us were under the same pressures and had

begun to take it out on each other. I cringed thinking John had seen us. “It wasn’t pretty, was it?”

“Don’t worry about that, Jake. You’re both in a difficult place and I’m certainly not going to judge how

you’re handling it. I just thought it was not the best time to interrupt. I went back a bit later to see if I could catch either of you and found Andrea alone struggling to breathe. Her eyes were alive with fear. I walked

over to her and asked if I could pray for her. She nodded, so I did. Time will tell I guess, but I think her

asthma is gone.”

“You healed her?”

“As if I could! No, but I’m pretty sure God did.”

“You’re serious? I’ve prayed a thousand times for that and he didn’t do it for me.”

“Who said he didn’t? I simply added my prayers to yours.”

“But why didn’t he do it the other thousand times I asked him to?’

“That’s because it isn’t in your control, Jake, or mine! It’s in his. Healing isn’t magic. As we learn to live in him we get to cooperate with what he is doing. I was just praying for her to breathe easier and have God’s

peace, but I’m convinced God did something more than that.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know how to describe it other than to say I felt her asthma leave her. I think she knows it, too. Her

next breath came as easily as yours. The fear in her eyes was gone, a smile creased her lips and she sunk into

the pillow with a deep sigh.”

“That’s why I found her sleeping a while ago. We thought the medications had finally started working.”

“I’m sure they helped, but God decided to do something more.”

“That would be great if it’s true. I hate watching her suffer. But what you’re saying to me is that I should just be happy no matter what God does or how he does it.”

“That’s not what I’ve said at all, Jake. I’m merely helping you see what God might be up to in the

circumstances you’re in. He doesn’t need you to pretend. You’ve got some honest questions and deep

struggles to sort out here. God’s big enough to handle them. Don’t run from your pain, or try to hide it from

him. It won’t impress him and it won’t help you. Take your anger to God. He knows how to bring you

through this and show you his glory in ways you never dreamed.”

At that the door to the cafeteria popped open again. A nurse swept the room with her eyes. “Is that you,

John?”

“Yes,” he called back to her.

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“You said you wanted to know if Mr. Phillips took a turn. I think it’s getting close.”

“Thank you. I’ll be right up.” Then he turned back to me. “I’ve got to go now. Why don’t you check on

Andrea and get some sleep yourself.”

“But I’m not sure I’ve worked it all out.”

“Nor will you in the next few minutes or hours. This is a lifetime journey, Jake, learning to give up your

illusion of control and letting God have his way is not easy for any of us. This isn’t the last lesson.”

“But I still don’t know what to do about my job or church or anything else,” I said as my laundry list of

unresolved questions started to scroll across my mind. I wanted John to give me direction.

“Let me ask you one question, Jake. Is there anything you lack to get through this day?”

“I need a job. I need a way to pay this bill.” I motioned at the hospital that surrounded us.

“Or you need the confidence that your Father already knows those things and loves you enough to sort them

out with you. You have all that you need today; you just don’t have all you need yet to get to the end of the

month. But that’s still a ways off.”

“Well, you’re right there,” I had to agree.

“That’s all we’re promised, Jake. When you can trust his love in each moment, you’ll really know how to live

free.” John started to get up from the table and I stood to embrace him before he left.

“But where do I find that kind of faith?”

“You won’t find it. It’s something he creates in you, even in the very circumstances you despise. Just keep

coming to him and watch what he will do. He’s the Father who knows you better than you know yourself

and even loves you more than you love yourself. Ask him to help you see how much he loves you. That will

make all the difference.” Then he motioned toward the door, “I have to go.”

We embraced and he headed for the door. I gathered up a few things and followed behind him. I couldn’t

wait to check on Andrea. As I headed her direction I decided I would live the rest of my days assuming that

my Father’s love was with me in every circumstance, rather than questioning it. Little did I know at the time

how much I would need that.

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- 7 -

When You Dig a Hole For Yourself You Have to

Throw the Dirt on Someone

I heard the overwhelming roar behind me drifting across the football field from the stands on the opposing

side. I didn’t even have to turn around from the concession stand line to know it wasn’t good news for my

alma mater. I craned my neck around just in time to see the white jersey of a Jefferson Blue Raider streak

across the goal line with his arms lifted in exultation. He was soon mobbed by his teammates.

I blew out a sigh and shook my head in disgust. After holding a narrow 3-0 lead into halftime against their

heavily favored opponents, the Ponderosa Bears had given up a 73-yard touchdown pass on the first play of

the second half to blow that lead. This wasn’t just another football game. It was the Bronze Bell Classic, a

rivalry between the first two high schools in Kingston that had over its 45-year history taken on mythical

proportions. The winner claimed the Bronze Bell, a huge trophy that had been made out of the bell that

hung in the old tower of the original high school, and city bragging rights for a year.

Nothing was more important to the seniors than to win the bell in their last year, and the alumni wanted it

almost as badly. Sequoia had held the Bronze Bell for the last six years; a humiliating string that I had hoped

would end tonight. The first half had looked promising, but I knew how easily momentum could switch on

a play like that.

As I started to turn back toward the concession stand my eye caught a familiar form hunched over the railing

looking out on the field. It was hard to tell from this angle, especially since he was dressed in an oversized

coat and a sock hat, like everyone else trying to stay warm. Then his face turned to look at the scoreboard,

and I saw him in profile. “Of all places,” I thought.

I gave up my place in line to see what he was doing. I walked up behind him and grabbed him by the

shoulders. “What are you doing here?” I had wondered if this was some kind of set-up, but when he looked

over his shoulder to see who had grabbed him he looked genuinely surprised. A smile burst across his face

as he turned and embraced me. “Jake, it’s so good to see you. I hoped you’d be here.”

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“Somehow I didn’t peg you for a football fan,” I replied nodding toward the field.

“I’m not really, but I understand you can’t be in Kingston tonight and not take in the spectacle. I’ve never

seen anything like this… fireworks to start the game and such a frenzied crowd!”

“It’s a passionate rivalry. It was even written up in Sports Illustrated a few years ago. They bring out all the

bells and whistles for this one. What brings you to town?”

“I’m visiting a few people and planned to meet one of them here. How is Andrea doing?”

“She has not had one wheeze since you prayed for her last month. I am so grateful.”

“That’s great. Are you doing better as well?”

“I’m getting by. I can’t say everything is wonderful, but I really took to heart what you said last time, John.

I’ve asked God to help me see how much he loves me even when things aren’t easy. Financially things are

still really tight, but I’ve seen God provide for us in some interesting ways.”

“Like what?”

“I’m still working on real estate, though it has been slow. In the meantime, people have hired me to do

some painting or landscape work they haven’t had time to get to. A couple of people have even given me

some sizeable gifts to help us get by. I didn’t want to take them, but they said God had put it on their heart.

Each time we really needed what they offered.”

“Isn’t he amazing?”

“He cuts it pretty close to the wire, if you ask me. I also sold my first commercial building a few weeks ago.