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“I hope it didn’t sound that way,” I added.

John shrugged his shoulders. “Who cares how it sounded? It only matters what is.”

“But I want that failed system to be seen for what it is, John. He defrauded me, that woman and those

people who go there and he’s getting away with it.”

“No one gets away with it, Jake. He’s paying for his failures in ways you can never imagine. Don’t forget sin

itself is always its own punishment. It makes him less the man God wants him to be and it destroys others

around him, even if they don’t know why. Already people sense his emptiness and his struggle.”

“But doesn’t he need to be exposed for what he’s done? I want people to see the truth.”

“Can’t they already see it, Jake? After all, he is who he is, not who he pretends to be.”

“But it doesn’t look that way. People think he’s this godly man.”

“There’s the rub isn’t it? When you’re not content with reality you will always worry about the way things

appear.”

“I don’t think so, John.” The anger in my words surprised even me. He was trying to take out of my hands

the best weapon I’d had in a year. “He just needs to be seen for what he is.”

“Hasn’t that already happened? He’s already betrayed a friendship to protect himself and lied to a

congregation to discredit you. Doesn’t arrogance already exude from his life? Why is it worse for you

evangelicals when it is sexual?”

I’ve got to admit he surprised me there. I thought sexual failure was worse than anything else. After a

stunned silence I replied through gritted teeth, “Well, it at least makes it obvious.”

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“Don’t get angry with me. I didn’t do it.”

“I’m sorry, John, I’m just frustrated at the way you’re responding to this. I thought this would help win

people to our side.”

“What side is that?”

“You know! Those who oppose the false system of organized religion and are committed to following the

New Testament model of house churches.”

“That doesn’t sound like a side I want to be on. Have you ever heard me talk like that?”

I was almost frantic now with where John had taken this conversation. “You’re the one who helped me see

the failures of organized religion.”

“It’s one thing to see through things and quite another to be against them. That’s the game—and I’m not

playing. And I’m all for believers learning how to walk together in real fellowship, but we haven’t even

begun to talk about how that might happen.”

“Doesn’t it always produce this very thing—men like Jim, pretending to be leaders when they lie and devour

others? I’m sick of it, John.”

“They are not all frauds, Jake. Not all groups become as destructive as yours. Those who treat leaders as if

they have some special anointing are the most susceptible to being deceived by them. It seems people who

assume or who are given the most human authority forget how to say no to their own appetites and desires.

It is so easy for any of us to end up serving ourselves when we think we’re serving others by keeping an

institution functioning. But not all of those who do it end up so broken. Many are real servants who only

want to help others and they’ve been led to believe this is the best way to do it. Always separate the failure of

the system from the hearts of the people in it.

“Any human system will eventually dehumanize the very people it seeks to serve and those it dehumanizes the

most are those who think they lead it. But not everyone in a system is given over to the priorities of that

system. Many walk inside it without being given over to it. They live in Father’s life and graciously help

others as he gives them opportunity.”

“I don’t care about all that, John. I just want Jim’s failure exposed to the world.” I could feel my face flush

with anger and my hands ball up into angry fists.

“Why are you so angry, Jake?”

I finally leaned back on the bench, let out a deep sigh and managed to release some of my anxiety with it. I

didn’t really want to fight John. I wanted to hear what he had to say. My words came out less defensive and

far more probing. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

“I don’t know. Your response to me seems disproportionate to what we’re talking about. It makes me

wonder what else is frustrating you.”

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I thought for a moment. “The only thing I thought I was getting right was not being tyrannized by other

people’s opinions. For the last few weeks I haven’t felt that nagging shame when I crossed paths with

people from my old fellowship. That has blessed me.”

“As well it should,” John said with a smile.

“But now you’ve turned all this against me. You just think I want vengeance against Jim.”

He reached out and put his arm around my shoulder. “Jake, nothing could be further from the truth. Believe

me, I know how rough this is. I think you’re doing incredibly well getting through this transition. I just

don’t want you to make it any harder on yourself.”

“I guess I’m struggling in a lot of areas, John. Getting back into real estate has really been hit and miss. I

had a huge deal fall apart last week at the last minute. It would have set me up for years to come. I barely

make it through each month and am never sure how to get through the next one. I hoped my life would be

much more stable by now.”

“Maybe you’re looking for stability in the wrong places, Jake?”

I almost hated to ask, “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Jake you’ve learned to measure stability by your circumstances and by your ability to see how things will

work out months in advance.”

“And that’s wrong?”

“I wouldn’t say it’s wrong. I’d just say it’s not going to help you walk in this kingdom. When we’re looking

to the future, we’re not listening to Father. Anything we do to try and guarantee stability on our own terms

will actually rob us of the freedom to simply follow him today. We’ll resort to our own wisdom instead of

following his. The greatest freedom God can give you is to trust his ability to take care of you each day.”

“That’s where it always gets confusing for me, John. I do have enough for today—enough money to take care

of our needs, enough fellowship to encourage me onward, and enough grace to endure the rumors of

others. It’s when I look further down the road that I get worried. I don’t see how this will work out over

time.”

“We’ve all been there, Jake, and I certainly understand. But that’s because we can’t see yet what God will

do. We can only see what we can do. You think exposing Jim’s affair will fix everything when in fact it will

fix nothing. People who can’t see his arrogance won’t be convinced of his moral failure. If he has already

been unfaithful, he’ll think nothing of lying about it.”

“I never thought of it that way. But I hate it that people think he’s so righteous.”

“But they only think he is. It’s an illusion and while illusions can be powerful, they are still illusions.”

“But most people live by those illusions.”

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“Only because they want to, Jake. I don’t want you to. You appear to be the bad guy when you know it isn’t

true. You appear to be on the verge of financial ruin, but you’re not. Never let mere appearances become

your reality.”

“But I want others to know the truth, John. Why should they get to live in their illusions?”

“Believing a lie isn’t something someone gets to do. It’s something they are trapped in. You have some

information that may help you know better what is really going on. Let God show you what to do with it.

Don’t just assume broadcasting it is what he wants, especially when you’re the one who will benefit most

from it.”

“But shouldn’t people know?”

“If Father wants them to, they will.”

“But I’m the only one who knows, except for the two who have every reason to hide it.”

“Yes, that’s how it appears, Jake.”

“But if we won’t, God can’t, at least that’s what I’ve always been told.”

John chuckled in amusement. “And that’s the biggest lie I’ve heard today,”

“Really?”

“Really! God has so many ways to do what he wants to do.”

“But aren’t we part of that, John?”

“We’re part of it, but not the biggest part. We only need to do what God puts on our hearts to do, and

doubting his ability to work beyond us is not the best way to hear him. The great lie of this broken universe

is that God cannot be trusted and that we have to take care of ourselves. That’s the lie that snagged Eve. The

serpent convinced her that because God had ulterior motives, she couldn’t trust what he said. By not

trusting him she did what she thought best for herself. But it backfired, didn’t it? It always does, Jake. Our

worst moments result from grabbing for ourselves that which Father has not given us.

“We are to live on his ability not our own. Remember what Scripture says about his ability: ‘And God is able

to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in

every good work.’ ‘Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according

to his power that is at work within us...’ ‘I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to

guard what I have entrusted to him on that day.’ ‘Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to

God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.’ And, ‘(he) is able to keep you from falling

and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy.’

“That is an awful lot of ability going to waste if we think we have to do those things for ourselves. Our biggest

messes come when we try to do something for God that we’re convinced he can’t do for himself. ”

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“Then what do I do, just sit around and wait for God?”

“Who said anything about sitting around? Learning to live by trusting Father is the most difficult part of this

journey. So much of what we do is driven by our anxiety that God is not working on our behalf, that we have

no idea of the actions that trust produces. Trusting doesn’t make you a couch potato. As you follow him,

Jake, you’ll find yourself doing more than you’ve ever done, but it won’t be the frantic activity of a desperate

person, it will be the simple obedience of a loved child. That’s all Father desires.”

“Does the same go for fellowship, John?”

“It’s even worse. The groupthink that results from believers who act together out of their fears rather than

their trust in Father, will lead to even more disastrous results. They’ll mistake their own agenda for God’s

wisdom. Because they draw their affirmation from others they’ll never stop to question it, even when the

hurtful consequences of their actions become obvious.”

“That’s scary, John.”

“I’ve watched it for many, many years. I’ve seen God’s name attached to the most incredible absurdities.”

“Doesn’t it make you mad?”

“It used to, I’ll admit that. But I’ve come to realize that he is bigger than anything we can do to smear his

name. His purpose will win out over humanity’s greatest failures on his behalf.”

“What does that say about fellowship? Do you remember I talked to you about this house church we were

starting last time I saw you?”

“I do, how is it going?”

“It started off with a bang, but it’s trailed off since then. People only come when it’s convenient, and when

they do they wait for someone else to do everything for them. We spend a lot of time just staring at each

other trying to think what we should do next. People just aren’t committed enough to make it work.”

“If it needs commitment, maybe you’re missing something?”

“For instance?” I prompted him.

“I don’t know. Hunger… reality… God’s presence, perhaps. It could be a lot of things, but if you don’t sort

that out then anything you do together will not celebrate God’s reality, but try to be a substitute for it. And no substitute for God ever suffices. That’s why we obligate people to a meeting rather than equip them to live in

him. I’ve found that when people are discovering what it means to live in Father, they won’t need

commitment to keep them linked. He will be enough to do that.”

“But don’t we learn how to trust him through the body?”

“Actually, it works the other way around. Trust doesn’t flow out of body life, it flows into it!”

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“But what if people don’t know how to trust?”

“Certainly we can help each other learn to grow in trust, but that growth is the prerequisite for sharing life

together, not the fruit of it. Remember when you were back at City Center? How many decisions and

policies were made because you were afraid—of people not coming, not growing, not giving money, or

falling through the cracks and getting lost?”

“Probably 90%,” I responded. “Most of our discussions had to do with our concerns that someone would

make a mistake—hurting themselves or embarrassing the congregation.”

“Then 90% of what you did was based on fear rather than trust. And you passed that same insecurity on to

others as a way to keep them involved. You have yet to see what body life can be when people are growing to

trust God, instead of living in fear.”