My Guardian Knight (5 page)

              Sebastian glanced at her in surprise.  “Are my ears deceiving me or are you paying me a compliment?”

Her smile grew.  “I do believe it was the latter.”  “Well, let’s see if we can’t rustle up another gunfight so I can show my prowess.”

“Oh please,” she said, gripping her stomach, “I don’t think I could take it!”

              “What do you say we find something to eat?  We had

an early breakfast and it’s way past lunch.”

Nodding in agreement, they collected Matthew and headed toward the enticing smells coming from down the road.  They chose a small booth sporting ads promising mouth-watering ham and beans and cornbread.  They ordered three huge bowls and sat down on some bales of hay strewn about for that purpose.  A few feet away a fiddler was tuning his instrument and the trio sat back, enjoying their food and anticipating the music to come.  As they were finishing their dinner, the band started up with a merry tune and some of the people began to dance.  Matthew got right into the middle of it and danced until his little face turned red and his breath was coming in short gasps.  He collapsed next to his mother and laid his head in her lap, his chest heaving.  When he could finally speak, he turned to her with shining eyes and said, “Did you see me, Mama?  I was dancing just like everybody else!  And that lady over there asked me to escort her in the next round!”

Amanda glanced over to see a lady with a kind, grandmotherly look about her waving to Matthew.  She smiled and sent him off for more merrymaking.  An early evening breeze ruffled her hair and she turned her face into it, enjoying the soft, cool feel.  Sebastian touched her shoulder and she looked him askance, wondering at the warmth that lingered on her skin where his hand had been.

              “May I have this dance?” he asked softly.

              “What?” she asked, shocked.  “I don’t dance, Sebastian.”

              “Why not?” he grinned.  “Come on, let’s have some fun.”

He grabbed her hand and urged her to her feet, taking her firmly into his arms.  As their bodies connected she knew she would not deny him this one dance, not when her whole body felt at once numb and tingling from the contact.  Contentment stole over her and she sighed, releasing herself to it.  His hand rubbed a light circle on her back as they swayed to and fro.  She had never claimed to be a very graceful dancer, but Sebastian required almost no help as he led her through the steps.  She was aware of every point where his body met hers, every touch, every caress.  She could smell the warm, fresh scent of him, could feel his heart beating with hers.

All of a sudden the set was over, the dancers clapping.  Without asking for consent, Sebastian whisked her into the next dance, a bit faster, and they danced and laughed the night away.

Later, after the festival had been cleaned up and there was no sign left of it they sat on the porch to the hotel watching the stars and the bright, full moon.  Matthew, completely tuckered out, had fallen asleep some time ago with his head resting on Amanda’s lap.  The couple sat close together, sometimes talking, sometimes enjoying a comfortable silence.  The smell of early honeysuckle drifted on the breeze.  They were both reluctant to end what had been such a wonderful day, even though they knew the morning would come early, and with it, the train.  Amanda dreaded that, so she inhaled the sweet smell and let her breath out in a sigh.

              “Well, I suppose it’s time to head in,” Sebastian said.                “Yes, I suppose it is.”

He scooped Matthew effortlessly into his arms and carried him upstairs to their small room.  He gently placed the child onto the bed and returned to the door where Amanda waited for him.  Without a word he took her face in his hands and looked deeply into her dark brown eyes.  The moment he walked out that door the spell would be broken and the day they had just spent would be only a memory.  He resisted that with every fiber of his being, but the built-in logic won out and so he placed a soft kiss on her forehead and strode quickly away.

Amanda crawled into bed beside her son, wrapping her arms securely about him, and smiled to remember the day’s activities.  On that thought, she drifted into a sleep blessed with sweet dreams.

The next morning dawned bright and early, finding Amanda in a foul mood.  She stood desolately before the vanity as she was putting her hair into a tight bun, her face pale and pinched.  Their short vacation was over.  Their journey continued, and it was time to face her troubles once again.  The noisy trains, the crowded stations, always looking over her shoulder in fear of finding Avery a step behind her.  And the way she constantly, fervently, and hopelessly sought a way out of the mess she’d made of her life.  It was all back on her now and, after her short reprieve, felt even heavier than it had before.

Amanda pulled her bun tight with a sigh and a glance toward where Matthew still slept on the bed.  Her features softened momentarily and she resisted the urge to crawl back under the covers with him and fall into the comfort of sleep.  Instead, she woke him and helped him dress before ushering him out the door.  She took one last look at the pretty pink room with the crisp eyelet curtains and closed the door softly behind her.

In the hallway, she bumped into the hysterical woman from the night before.  The other lady grasped her hand and said, “I don’t know how to thank you and Marshal Knight for helping us yesterday.  If it weren’t for you my Justin would surely have been injured.  I just wanted to let you know that your kindness is appreciated and if you ever need anything, I’ll be there for you.  I’ve written down my address and, although I won’t be there for some time yet, my brother-in-law is there and will help you with anything you need.”

              Amanda smiled.  “That’s very thoughtful, but--”

              “Please take it.  This is all I have to give.”

              “Thank you very much,” Amanda said, deeply touched.

They bid farewell and Amanda continued downstairs to find Sebastian sipping coffee on the porch.  “Good morning!” he called.  “Would you like some coffee?”

She shook her head and sank into the chair, waiting for Matthew to have his breakfast.  “I would have ordered something for you but I wasn’t sure when you’d come down.”  She shrugged.  “Thank you, but I’m not hungry anyway.”

Sebastian struck up a conversation with Matthew and Amanda stared past them to the scenic view of the town.  She felt numb, she thought, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes.  She’d had a slight taste of what life could be like and she didn’t want to go back to the fear and the longing that was so much a part of her real life.

Damn Avery! Damn him for bringing her to this!  He had never cared for her, so why was he still punishing her for leaving?  And why did the punishment have to be so thorough, so final?

When the boys were finished with their meal, she followed them to the train station dejectedly, searching the face of every passerby to make sure she had not been found.  She felt relatively secure, since she still hadn’t had
the feeling
.  As far as she knew, he had no clue where she was, but she would take no chances.

They filed onto the train and she wasn’t a bit surprised when Sebastian sat down beside them as if he belonged there.  She had half a mind to tell him he should sit somewhere else, but stopped when she realized that she wanted him there.  That without his calming presence she may very well fall off the edge that she teetered on daily.  Was it just her imagination or was she even closer to that edge than usual?

The whistle blew and the train started off.  Amanda

was busy studying the people on board and listened with half an ear to Matthew's excited chatter as he bounced in his seat beside the window.  She was so intent on her own thoughts that she didn't notice Sebastian watching her with concern.

"Amanda?" he asked, touching her shoulder.

She jumped with a gasp, a scream just seconds from escaping her lips.  When she realized who had called her she took a deep, calming breath and closed her eyes.

              “Are you all right?” he asked.

“Fine,” she said with false brightness.  “I’m just fine.  Maybe a little tired, that’s all.”

“You seem upset about something.  Would you like to talk about it?”

“No, really, I’m fine.  I suppose I stayed up too late last night.”

His smile was gentle as it lit upon her.  “Why don’t you try to sleep some.  I can keep an eye on Matthew.”

She nodded and laid her head back against the seat, wondering vaguely when she had come to trust him so completely that she would entrust her son to him.  With a sigh, she drifted into dreamland.

Sebastian watched Amanda as she slept.  Tenderness spread through him at the sight of her and he knew he’d like nothing more than to protect her from whatever it was that troubled her.  Her actions seemed to tell him that she may be in more trouble than he’d first suspected.  The way she watched everyone, suspicion evident in her eyes, conveyed to him the fact that she was running from someone.  The dejected slump to her shoulders and sadness in her eyes made him think she didn’t have much hope of outrunning her aggressor.  

What would it be like to see her pretty smile on a regular basis, without the guarded look in her deep brown doe eyes?  To see those eyes shine with happiness?  Would the almost black color lighten to a warm chocolate brown?  

Every time she turned her gaze on him he felt as if he’d been punched in the gut.  Since this was something he’d never experienced before, he was unsure how to handle it.  If he offered his help too soon, he might very well scare her off.  On the other hand, if he waited too long, his help might come too late.

The woman was an enigma.  He prided himself on being a good judge of character, and all his instincts told him that Amanda was a good person.  But he couldn’t quite read her as well as he could read most people.  It was as if she held her true personality back and only allowed a portion of herself to show.  Sebastian was very interested in finding out what the
real
Amanda Darcy was like.

He yawned and glanced toward Matthew, who had fallen asleep against his mother’s arm.  With a thankful sigh, he let his own head sink back and fell fast asleep.

Amanda woke up, for the first time in years, feeling peaceful and refreshed.  Her sleep-dulled mind grasped to find the reason for this unfamiliar feeling, and she smiled as she turned her head and realized it was pillowed upon Sebastian’s hard arm.  So that was it, she thought dreamily, Sebastian’s calming presence.  Since he was still asleep, she laid her head gently on his shoulder for a moment, glorying in the feel of having someone else beside her.  With him here, she didn’t feel so alone, so desperately lonely.

With a sigh she sat up and glanced at Matthew, who was still sound asleep.  Through the window she could see rain pouring down in torrents from a dark gray sky.  A furious wind whipped the trees this way and that like strings of limp spaghetti.  A fitting way to resume her trip to St. Louis, she thought ruefully.  Just as she was considering dozing off again, a jerk beside her brought her up short.  Sebastian’s head was thrashing from side to side and he was mumbling ferociously.  The scowl on his face could have frightened the devil himself, and his muscles were rock hard with tension.  Amanda couldn’t understand what he was saying, but she got the feeling this was more than just a bad dream.  She watched him in confusion for a while, uncertain what she could do to help him.  Finally in sympathy she laid her hand on his arm.  Immediately he sat up straight and turned to her, his blue eyes wild.  She gasped involuntarily and he turned away from her.

She didn’t say anything, unsure whether or not he was still asleep. His thrashing had quieted, and he sat still as stone, staring straight ahead.  Amanda laid her hand on his, and he looked at her then, the wildness gone from his eyes but replaced with an infinite sorrow that brought tears to her own eyes.  “I had the dream, didn’t I?” he asked quietly.

Amanda said nothing, but gazed at him through eyes full of understanding.  She didn’t need to confirm what had happened, he already knew.  “Would you like to talk about it?”  He shook his head, daring a look at the people around him and found to his great relief that most of them were asleep and unaware of the demons that plagued him.  He sighed, running a hand through his hair.  Every time he thought he was over the guilt the dream came again, reminding him of the horrible thing he had done.  He would never be free of it. 

Never.  His conscience would not allow it.

              “Sebastian?”

His eyes found hers reluctantly.  Out of all the people aboard why did it have to be Amanda who witnessed his nightmare?  She’d certainly think less of him now.

“Talk to me,” she urged in a quiet voice.  “Tell me what happened so you can free the demons that torment you.”  A dark, fierce look came over his handsome face, his eyes burning into hers.  “I’ll not tell you, Amanda, of the horrible, unforgivable things I have done,” he said hoarsely.  “When our paths part in St. Louis, I’d rather you still think of me with fondness.”

“I know you, Sebastian.  You are a kind, understanding man and I’m sure that nothing you tell me would make me believe otherwise.  

              “Was it the war?” she asked softly.

Sebastian swallowed over the lump in his throat, his hands beginning to shake as he realized he couldn’t stop himself from speaking.  He started in a low voice, tight with tension and pain.  He stared straight ahead, unable to meet her gaze.

“When I was five years old I left Mississippi and went to live with my Grandma.  My parents had never had much interest in me and so it was the logical choice, I guess.  My father was a very strict military man who cared about nothing but his career and keeping the appearance of a wealthy military officer.  My mother was only concerned with what his money could buy her.  So they shipped me off to Grandma’s house, which was probably the only good thing they ever did for me.  They visited me once when I was eleven, but other than that they stayed away.

“Grandma was wonderful.  She was my father’s mother and appalled at the way I had been treated.  I think she tried to make up for them by trying extra hard to make me feel special.  Under her influence, I learned how to be kind and thoughtful, for she was always lending a helping hand to anyone who needed one.”  A small smile touched his lips.  “As I grew up I became involved with one of the girls from town.  Misty spent so much time at our place Grandma practically adopted her.  We planned to be married, but then the war started and I felt it was my duty to join.  Having lived in Illinois most of my life I felt no kinship to my southern roots and so I fought for what I believed in.  I fought for the Union. 

Misty swore she’d wait for me.

“I spent long, hard years in the Army.  Everything you can imagine from wet, freezing temperatures to sweltering heat.  Sometimes we ate, sometimes we went without.  I was obsessed, in those days, with beating the pants off the south.  I don’t know what happened to me in those years, but I didn’t simply want to win.  I wanted to beat them into the ground and I did everything I could to see that that happened.  I always knew, in the back of my mind, that my father was out there somewhere.  That someday we may come together at opposite ends of a battlefield.  That never happened.

“Right after I was promoted to Captain I was wounded at Gettysburg and sent home to recuperate.  It took a few months to regain my strength, and I was ready to return to battle.  This was something I was good at, pulverizing the other troops.  So you can imagine my anger when I was informed I would be stationed in Alton, Illinois, my hometown.  I appealed to every superior officer I could find, but I was not allowed to return to battle.

“So I reported to the Confederate prison in Alton and immediately hated it.  The walls were gray with dirt and grime, no splash of color anywhere but the American Flag, which of course was hated by the prisoners.  

“The prison smelled worse than anything I could describe to you.  Even the breezes coming off the Mississippi River couldn’t alleviate the stench.  Disease ran rampant and smallpox was feared by each and every one of us.  During one such epidemic many of the infected prisoners were taken to a small island on the Mississippi in an attempt to control the spreading.

“The worst part for me came one evening when a group of rebels were brought in.  I inspected them as I always did and looked up to see my father standing before me.  He was extremely thin and his uniform was torn to shreds.  Still, that damned triumphant look was in his eyes.  The same look he’d always given me as a child.  ’You’ll never be as good as me, boy,’ he used to say.

“For a moment I was dumbfounded, but then I continued my inspection as if I’d never met him.  I remember he laughed coldly.  ’Joined up with the Yanks did you, boy?  I should have expected as much.  Never could count on you to do the right thing.’  Still I ignored him and sent him to a cell.  “From that day forward my life was a living hell.  He did everything he could to make me miserable, as if I hadn’t been already.   Any time I walked by he’d call out obscenities at me.  There was no way I could avoid him because I was in charge of guarding that side of the prison.  The longer he was there the more trouble he caused.  He yelled and hollered and got the other rebs riled up.  They had to be subdued daily.  Every day I dreaded being on duty and every night I was so exhausted and angry all I could do was fall into bed and pray for sleep that never came.