Nobody Knows (11 page)

Drew’s mouth descended on my neck while I forced myself to concentrate on what my mum was saying. “Can we leave it until tomorrow? I don’t know how the day is going to play out, but we’ve got a lot to sort out.”

Drew nibbled at my shoulder, his hand closing over my breast, showing me we would never be too tired for
this
. I tried to wriggle away for the duration of the phone call, but he wrapped his legs around me, trapping me between his thighs.

“Well, you don’t have to stay for long.”

I barely heard her. My limbs weakened as Drew’s thumb rubbed across my nipple, and I squeezed my eyes closed, hoping I’d get through the call without whimpering.

“Okay.” My words came out far more breathily than anyone should ever sound while talking to their mother. “Dinner sounds good.”

Drew grinned then dipped his head, taking my nipple in his mouth. My back arched as his tongue tormented me, flicking over the sensitive bud, his hands refusing to let an inch of my skin remain untouched. I bit my lip, holding in a moan.

“What time will you be there?” Mum asked.

Any freaking second!

“Erm, can I... ring you back later? I... I have to go.”

As I ended the call, Drew gave an evil laugh, trailing kisses down my stomach. “Something wrong, Ells?”

I raked my fingers through his hair, pressing against him. “You’re so going to pay for this later.”

“Looking forward to it.”

He grinned again, and I pulled him up to me to kiss him when a banging knock split the silence. Our bubble of horniness burst with a nearly audible pop and we both froze, eyes wide.

“What should we do?” I asked, carefully untangling myself from Drew to sit up. My head spun at the speed I was ripped from bliss to reality.

It had to be Jason. Drew sat up too, blinking a few times. “I guess we should answer.”

“But he’ll know you stayed the night and we-”

“Ellie, calm down. We’ve got nothing to feel guilty about.”

Right. I was an adult, and yes, I was allowed to have sex with my boyfriend. But it was about more than that. We had plenty to feel guilty about.

We scrambled into our clothes, neither of us speaking. From the loudness of his persistent knock, Jason obviously hadn’t calmed down overnight. With an apprehensive glance at Drew, I took a deep breath and opened the door.

Jason leaned against the door frame, his clothes crumpled, and his multi-coloured hair tangled and ratty. When he spotted Drew over my shoulder, he straightened up. “Should have known you’d be here.”

“Jason, have you been to bed?”

“I want to talk to you. But I don’t want him here.”

Although his voice sounded calm, there was an edge that made me uncomfortable. Drew protectively wrapped his arm around me from behind. My body, still half asleep and desperate to be alone with him again, shivered at his touch and I gave myself a swift inward reminder now was
not
the time. I didn’t need to look at Drew to know his eyes were fixed on Jason, defensive and prepared for a fight.

We never should have left him. We should have aired all this right away instead of letting him get worked up.

The joys of hindsight.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Drew told him.

“Ellie.”

I’d never been able to ignore Jason’s pleading look. It wasn’t fair to pull that trick out of the bag. Not now. He hadn’t used it in years, hadn’t needed to. It was reserved for when he’d really messed up and I was about to lose my last shred of patience with him. This was different. It was a test, and I wasn’t interested in playing his game.

“Jason, please. Don’t.”

“Don’t what? I want to talk. To you.”

“I’m not leaving Ellie alone with you while you’re angry,” Drew said. “You can come in and talk to both of us or you can leave. It’s up to you.”

Jason switched his gaze from me to Drew. “She doesn’t need you to speak for her.”

“Stop!” I held up my hands, hoping to defuse their argument before it started. “It’s too early for this. Jason, go get a coffee and give us chance to wake up. We’ll meet you in an hour, and-”

“No.” Jason’s jaw set. “I want to do this now, and he needs to go. Or I can talk to the reporters downstairs who can’t wait to find out exactly what happened here last night.”

Jason’s threat didn’t bother me as much as the question of what people were reading about me while they ate their morning toast. He wouldn’t follow through, anyway. I hadn’t pressed the issue with my mum, but I had to find out how much damage had been done at some point. Better to hear the blunt truth now than walk around oblivious.

“What
exactly
do the papers say?”

“What do you think? There’s a full transcript of everything that happened in one of the tabloids, and they all believe you’re a whore who fucked me and Drew, and caused the fight on New Year’s Eve!”

My legs weakened and I leaned against Drew for support. I’d expected it, of course. It was the obvious conclusion to jump to, but the reality of being spoken about that way was still a shock.

“None of this would be happening if you’d come to us yesterday instead of having a tantrum in front of everyone,” Drew said.

“None of this would be happening if you two hadn’t lied!”

As Jason’s voice got louder, I half expected someone to poke their head out of their room to tell him to keep it down. Nobody came. All around us, people slept, while I stood between the two men I loved more than anyone in the world, knowing I had to make a choice. I couldn’t walk away and deal with it later.
This
was later.

I heaved a sigh. “Jason, wait there.”

I closed the door, and taking Drew’s wrist, pulled him farther into my room.

“You’re going to ask me to leave.”

Drew’s shoulders sagged, ripping another enormous hole in our cocoon of happy, because I
knew
the expression on his face. Resignation. The whole “second best” thing. It sort of stung that he still thought he fell behind Jason on my list of important people. A confession of love, and many hours wrapped up in each other obviously wasn’t enough to make him understand. I always knew it would take time, but surely we’d made some progress?

“That’s not what I was going to say.” I took his hands. “But we’re going to have a million questions thrown at us when we leave this hotel, and if we can calm Jason down, it’s going to be a hell of a lot easier to tackle them. We need him on our side, Drew. Regardless of what the rest of the world thinks is happening in the band, we need him to be okay with this.”

And I need you and Jason to be okay with each other again.
Jason and I would be fine. We’d fight, we’d talk, and everything would be back to normal. It wasn’t so easy between brothers. Common sense reminded me I’d be waiting a while for them to resolve their issues, but at least for now, we had to get on the same page.

Drew stared at my hands, gently stroking my palms with his thumbs. “You’re shaking, Ells.”

“Yeah. This is pretty much everything I didn’t want.”

“I know. I hate that he did this.”

“We’re not innocent, Drew. We should have told him.”

“But we-”

“I know the reasons. But this is... it’s a mess. We made a mess.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone with him.” I opened my mouth to respond, and he added, “I trust you, Ells. But I don’t trust
him
when he’s so pissed off.”

Wrapping his arms around my waist, I said, “I can handle him.”

I waited while he weighed it up in his head. Clearing the air versus me being alone with Jason. Eventually, he said, “Do you promise to call me if he gets out of line?”

I meant to answer right away. Instead, I took a minute to cement the memory of how ridiculously sexy he looked first thing in the morning.

Another shiver.

No, Ellie. You don’t have time to drag him back to bed. Yet.

The first day people found out about our relationship was supposed to be different. Full of relief, with Drew and I celebrating by holding hands in public, and having guilt-free sex, not avoiding contact with the outside world.

“Ellie?”

“I promise.”

He leaned down to kiss me, his lips lingering on mine a touch longer than I could cope with. “Okay. Let’s do this.”

I was half tempted to wait until Drew was outside, close the door on both of them and hide until they sorted their differences out for themselves. When Drew turned the doorknob though, the hostility between the guys made it clear that wasn’t an option. Without a word, Drew left, and headed down the corridor to his room. Drawing in a deep breath, I turned my attention to Jason. “Come in.”

He stepped inside, not a trace of smugness on his face about getting his way. “What the hell’s going on, Ellie?”

Well, there’s nothing like getting straight to the point. But if that’s the way he wants to play it.

“I’m in love with your brother.”

Jason choked out a bitter, hollow laugh. “In love? With Drew? Come on, Ellie, be serious.”

“I am being serious. I’m in love with him.”

“No.” He shook his head. “If you’re screwing around with Drew, that’s your choice, but don’t try to tell me you two are in love.”

“Since when have I ever screwed around?”

He paused to ponder my question, his eyebrows knitting as if I’d asked him to figure out a tough maths problem. In this case, one and one most definitely equalled two.

“How long has this been going on?”

“About a week,” I replied, sinking onto the bed. The duvet was a crumpled mess from scrambling to get out from underneath it. I longed to throw it over myself, to block out the already awkward conversation with Jason, and hide until the gossip died out.

“Oh please!” Jason spat, pacing the floor. “It doesn’t work that way, you don’t just decide to fall in love with someone and you, Ellie, you don’t fall for people so quickly, especially not people you’ve known your whole life. Not someone like Drew!”

Not someone like Drew.
The words echoed in my head, infuriating me. I missed the days when Jason thought his big brother was cool, someone to look up to, instead of… whatever he saw now. Years had passed since then, and the saddest part was, the more respect Jason had lost for Drew, the more respect I gained for him. I got closer, was allowed a little bit further into Drew’s mind with every one of Jason’s screw-ups, and I learned how much more there was to him than the nag Jason always said he’d turned into.

Being with “someone like Drew” made me proud.

“It might not make sense to you. You’ve been too busy promoting lies, getting drunk, and shagging anything that moves! In the real world, where the rest of us live, Drew and I make perfect sense.”

Jason flinched as if he’d been slapped. “You lied to me, Ellie.”

The first glimpse of hurt shone through his rage, and my stomach clenched. “Do you think the lies weren’t hard on us? I didn’t enjoy keeping it from you, but we weren’t ready to tell yet. It all happened so fast, and-”

“You didn’t think I had a right to know about it straight away?”

“No more than anyone else.”

There were certain - albeit rare - times when the similarities between the brothers were astonishing. Jason’s face hardened, his eyes shut down.

“When did I stop being important?” he asked, and my insides twisted again, tying themselves into a knot of guilt.

“You didn’t. We-”

“No. When did
I
stop being important? It used to be me. You used to love me. I loved you too, Ellie. Even if I wasn’t good at showing it.”

His words were unfair. Bringing up long dead feelings to make me feel worse than I already did? I didn’t doubt he loved me. Well, as much as he was capable of when he’d just escaped small town life, and discovered the very definition of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll. But it wasn’t the same with him. It wasn’t the same as the way I felt for Drew, or the other boyfriends I’d had. We were best friends who might have fallen in mad, crazy love if our circumstances had been different. And if the circumstances
had
been different, maybe our chemistry would have been different, too.

Put simply, we were never supposed to be together.

“It was a long time ago. We both know those feelings ended way before I finished uni.”

“But I still mattered.” Jason shrugged out of his jacket, throwing it down to punctuate his words. As he did so, something flew across the room and landed right at my feet.

Time slowed.

I reached down to retrieve the item, Jason shouted at me to stop, and when my eyes connected with the mystery object my heart shuddered to a halt.

No. Please, no.

White powder, wrapped in cling film.

The colour drained from Jason’s face. “Ellie, it’s not... it’s nothing, really. Let me explain.”

For a second, everything went fuzzy, and I was transported back. Back to
that
day.

I went into Drew’s flat, closing the unlocked door behind me, and headed for the living room expecting to see Jason zoned out in the chair he’d barely moved from in two days. He’d been clean for eight days, only because he’d been forced to stay with Drew so he wouldn’t be on his own for too long during the worst part of the withdrawal. For the first few days, Jason was restless and angry to the point of violence. He made his feelings clear when he kicked and shattered Drew’s 42-inch television screen, then attempted to smash a window with the remote. But as time wore on, he’d become quieter. His sleeping patterns were messed up, and without cocaine in his system to keep him wired, he’d grown lethargic.