Nobody Knows (13 page)

Except, you’ll have lied.

“Don’t,” I stood up. “Don’t give me the beggy eyes. We just argued about how messed up everything gets because of lies, and now you want me to do it again?”

I squeezed the wrap of cocaine between my fingers, hoping I could make it vanish along with every other nightmare that had happened since I woke up.

“Please,” Jason said.

“I believe you didn’t intend to use this. But now the temptation is back-”

“It never goes away, Ellie. It’s better. Easier every day. But it never goes away. On the rough days, there’s still a voice in my head telling me I can make all my problems go away with a quick fix. Last night was the worst I’ve felt in a long time, and that dealer put the solution right in my hands.” Again, he paused to wipe his sweaty palms on his jeans. “I could feel it. The buzz. I knew how good it would feel to take the hit and forget everything, and I hated myself for it. For being so fucking weak, because you’re right, Ellie. It’s been two years. It should be over.”

I used to know this. When Jason first spiralled out of control, I learned everything I could about cocaine addiction. I spent hours trawling the internet to soak up every bit of information. I knew the risks, the withdrawal process, I learned about triggers, and I understood there wasn’t an end. I sobbed while reading some of the most heart-breaking stories, not knowing if one day Jason would end up the same way. Another sad story, leaving behind a grieving family and friends to ask themselves what they could have done to change the ending.

Time had healed the physical wounds Jason inflicted on me, but locked away in a corner of my mind, I remembered every detail. Sometimes I could still hear the smack of his hand hitting my face, and feel the agonising realisation that everything I did, all the time I’d spent learning ways to help him were for nothing because I
couldn’t
help. Not then.

“You couldn’t flush it,” I said, my voice trembling. “That’s the part I’m worried about.”

He turned to look me in the eye. “If ever there was a time I needed it, last night was it. The morning after, the coke’s still all wrapped up. Doesn’t that count for something?” Jason stood in front of me, his hands on my shoulders. “I’m so sorry. I’ve messed everything up, but I’ve never needed your help more. Please, help me get rid of this and don’t tell Drew. Please.”

Help me.

I nodded, tears filling my eyes as I sent up a silent prayer I was doing the right thing. “Okay. Okay.”

Relief made him fling his arms around me. I shrugged him off and went to the bathroom, unwrapping Jason’s stash and shaking it off the cling film and into the toilet. When every speck had gone, I stuffed the wrapper inside an empty shampoo bottle in the bin and went to the sink to wash my hands. The hot water burned my skin as I scrubbed all traces of the drugs away. Therapeutic. If only soap could wash away guilt.

You could tell him. Tell Drew, and the guilt will be gone.

My heart lurched as I thought of him because the situation wasn’t that straightforward. Revealing the truth would only intensify the old resentment, put the band under strain they didn’t need, and for what? A one-off. I’d known Jason long enough to spot a lie, and everything he said was true. I
felt
it.

“Jesus, Ellie, stop!”

Jason grabbed my waist, pulling me out of my thoughts and away from the sink, hands bright red from the violent scrubbing I’d subjected them to. I stared down at them, realising tears were streaming from my eyes.

“Here.” He took a towel from the rail, and gently dabbed my raw digits so as not to hurt them more.

There he is.

The Jason from the old days, who would rather throw himself in front of a bus than risk causing me pain. I didn’t see this guy often anymore. Our friendship was solid enough to survive the changes he went through, but he could never go back to who he used to be. Too much had happened. These little glimpses of my first ever best friend reminded me he still lived, deep inside the man who stood with me now.

“What can I do to make this okay?”

“You could tell Drew, and not make me do this. You could not put me in the position where I have to lie to him.”

“Ellie-”

“I know. I know why you can’t. But I don’t… I don’t want to be-”

“If I could do today again, I would. I don’t want you in this position either. I’ll do anything else for you, but I can’t tell him.”

I had to try. It didn’t lessen my guilt any, and I knew what Jason’s answer would be before I asked the question. The worst part was, I understood why he didn’t want Drew to find out. It would tear them apart, rip another hole in their already damaged relationship. I couldn’t see any other way to protect both of them besides keeping Jason’s secret.

Even if it killed me to do it.

“All I need from you is a promise you’ll never touch cocaine again. Not even if someone tries to force you.”

He stopped drying my hands, and his fingers closed around mine. “I can do that.”

He meant it. Maybe more than anything he’d ever said in his life. I only hoped it would be as easy to resist the temptation the next time someone presented him with a quick fix, because there
would
be a next time. That much I was sure of.

Jason wrapped his arms around me again, and I hugged him back.

“I’m sorry. For the way I acted last night. And for... for bringing up the stuff from the past.”

Right. The stuff none of us ever spoke about.

“Why did you?”

“Because I
am
a narcissistic prick,” Jason said, and I let out a small laugh. “This thing with you and Drew has nothing to do with me, or us, or anything that happened when we were younger. It’s just... I always thought of you as mine. My Ellie. The girl who never gave up on me when you had so many reasons to walk away and never come back. You being with Drew scared me because I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want the way he thinks of me to affect the way you think of me.” I pulled back from him a little, and he continued, “I’m not blind. I’ve seen how he’s been around me the last few weeks. I know what this feud is doing to him. To both of us.”

“Why didn’t you say so? Why didn’t you talk to him?”

“Because… you know how he is. He’ll only hear when he’s ready.”

True story.

I should have given Jason more credit. It wasn’t fair of me to assume he didn’t notice the problems because he never complained. The small part of me that held onto the pain Jason caused allowed me to believe he was selfish and oblivious. When it came to Drew, I should have expected more from him.

“He’s my brother, Ellie. I love him, but he’s not the only one who’s still angry.”

With the weight of everything that had happened in the hour since I woke up, the extremes of emotion, I suddenly felt exhausted. Too exhausted for an in-depth conversation about how to patch up years of issues between the brothers, and way too tired to deal with gossip-hungry journalists.

“Can you make this mess over me and Drew go away? I’m not news, Jason. I’m an ordinary girl who fell in love with an extraordinary man, and I want to be with him in peace.”

Jason took in a deep breath and blew it out slowly. His eyes softened and he nodded.

“I’m sorry. Give me an hour or two and I’ll fix it. I promise.”

True to his word, Jason didn’t waste any time calling Derek to implement some damage control. Razes Hell fans weren’t the kind to be interested in tabloid gossip. For the most part, they were quite an emo crowd, but the readers of celebrity news found the whole “love triangle” aspect fascinating. I’d taken a quick peek at some of the more popular gossip websites on my iPad, and seeing grainy, unflattering shots of myself, and guesses about what really happened did nothing to cheer me up.

While I waited for Derek to arrive at the hotel, I called my mum back. If she had any idea what Drew was doing to me during our last call, she didn’t mention it, thankfully. I reluctantly agreed to us having dinner with our families later, even though Drew and Jason weren’t talking and it would be awkward as hell. Making arrangements took my mind off the news, and Jason’s near-dabble with drugs. I also received an email from Janet Black, asking me to take some time to carefully read the terms of the attached contract for the illustrating job. Not a problem. It would probably be a few days before I had the brain power to take it all in.

Derek arrived at the hotel in less than an hour, and when he got to my room, he was not his usual put-together self. What was left of his grey hair flapped on one side, and his shirt and trousers were unusually crumpled, as if he’d been attacked by an angry mob.

An angry mob of journalists.

“Okay, we need to sort this out fast,” Derek said, trying to tidy his hair. “Those reporters want blood, and if I don’t give them something, they’re going to get pissed off.”

“Wow, way to calm me down. So, what’s the plan?”

Derek shrugged. “First you have to tell me what’s happening.”

“Didn’t Jason explain?”

“He told me that you and Drew are together, and the rest I read in the paper.”

“What else do you need?”

“I need to know what you want from this.”

“I want this to go away!” I tried not to shriek at the only person who had a shot at helping. “I don’t want to be the girl who might have caused the fake feud; I want to be the girl I was yesterday. The one I’ve always been, who stays in the background. Can you make that happen?”

Derek watched me thoughtfully. In fact, he stared so intently, I wondered if I had food in my teeth. “You’re unusual, Ellie. You’re an artist, and you’ve been given a huge platform to launch your career from. Are you sure you don’t want it?”

“I’m sure. I’ve been asked to illustrate a children’s book, and I got the job through my own hard work. I want to keep it that way. Fame is not my thing.”

“Okay. But you need to understand what you’re getting into here. Everyone’s gone nuts for Razes Hell, and like it or not, if you’re with Drew, you’re going to get attention. I’m talking constant speculation, cameras in your face, strangers shouting crap at you in the street and the occasional death threat from jealous fans. Are you ready for it?”

If our relationship hadn’t been forced into the open, nobody would care who I was. Thanks to the wonderful people who invented camera and video phones, that dream was dead. Derek was right, though. Even if we didn’t court publicity, the bigger the band got, the more people would want to snoop inside our lives. It was so easy for outsiders to intrude, with social media giving hundreds of thousands of people a tip-off to someone’s whereabouts in seconds.

But you have Drew
. The beginning of a panic attack at the immense upturn my life was about to go through eased as I thought of him. He’d always kept me safe, even before we got together. Now, he was mine, so if we were forced to share a little bit of what we had with the world sometimes, it would be worth it. Being with him was worth it.

“There are plenty of wives and girlfriends of famous people who don’t flaunt who they are. This has all started off in the worst way, and I don’t want anyone to think I’m with Drew to promote my own career. So, yes. I’m ready to take whatever comes, but I will stay out of the spotlight as much as I can because it’s not mine. It belongs to the band.”

Again, Derek silently gazed at me, admiration growing in his eyes. “You’re a good girl, Ellie.”

“You say that as if you doubted me.”

“I didn’t. You’ve been with the guys through everything so I know you’re not a hanger-on who wants to be associated with rock stars. But people with the best of intentions sometimes lose who they are when an opportunity comes along. Whether you see it or not, this
is
an opportunity for you.” He paused, and blew out a breath. “If you want this to go away, I’ll release an official statement this morning explaining there was a misunderstanding, and any in-band fighting had nothing to do with you. Your name’s already out there, but I won’t mention it again, and if reporters contact you, don’t speak to them. Don’t react if they follow you. Keep walking, pretend you can’t see them. If you don’t give them any gossip, they’ll lose interest.”

“That’s it? That’s all there is to it?”

“Yes. Journalists are like flocks of seagulls. If you feed them a tiny morsel of food, they’ll keep on coming back for more. If you don’t, they’ll lurk, waiting, then move on when someone else throws them a crumb.”

I smiled. “So. No crumbs for the reporters.”

“Exactly. Now,” Derek added, “I’ve arranged for a couple of cars to meet you at the back entrance. You can decide between yourselves who goes in which car, but you’re not going back on the train. I talked to the band before I came in here, and they’ll be ready to go when you are.”

“Wait. You arranged for two cars to take us back to St. Ives?”

Derek nodded. “You need to be safe, and the only way to ensure you are is to have you driven home.”

“What about the band’s equipment?”

“I’ll drive the van home myself.”

So, he does care
. Not once had I ever seen anything from him but greed and a desire to push his way to the top through any means necessary.