Nobody Knows (14 page)

“Thank you, Derek.”

“No problem. I’m gonna sort this statement out now, so you should pack up and get out of here as soon as you can.”

It didn’t take long to throw my clothes, shoes and phone back in my bag, and head down the hall to Drew’s room. Only a couple of hours had passed, but waking up beside him seemed a million years ago. I needed his arms around me, to feel connected to him again, and to lose myself in that place where everyone and everything else ceased to exist.

My plan was scuppered when I entered Drew’s room and the whole band was in there. Not a hint of the camaraderie from the night before remained. The tension was so thick, it was comparable to being smacked in the face with a cricket bat. Everyone’s bags were strewn on the floor, and I threw mine on the heap. “What’s going on?”

Mack’s gaze flicked between Drew and Jason. “Everything’s fine,” he said. “We should probably be on our way soon.”

“Good idea.” Drew picked up our bags. “Ellie and I will share a car; you three can take the other one.”

Drew started towards the door, not giving me a second to figure out why everyone was so tense.

“Wait,” I said. “Jason, are you okay?”

Waves of irritation from Drew threatened to knock me to the floor. Leaving without checking on Jason was not an option, though. Not after the morning’s events.

“I’m fine. I’ll call you later.”

Silently, I asked him again, hoping he read the bigger question in my eyes.
‘Are you really okay? Do you need me?
‘ He gave me a reassuring smile and a small shake of his head, easing my concern a little. Something still wasn’t right, but I trusted he’d be fine with Mack and Joey.

“Okay. I guess we’ll see you later.”

The second Drew and I left the room, I grabbed his wrist, making him stop. “Hey. Do you want to tell me what happened in there?”

Drew shook his head. “It’s not important.”

“Not important? It was important enough to silence a room full of musicians who should be celebrating right now.”

“Hard to celebrate when my brother screwed you over, and you don’t seem to care that this mess is all his fault.”

My heart sank, not because I didn’t expect this, but because I’d hoped Drew would at least try to understand my position in all of the chaos. Did he expect me not to care how Jason felt after this gigantic bombshell was dropped on him?

“I care, but it’s done now. He apologised, he got Derek to come here to sort it out. What more can he do?”

Drew stared at me, his expression cold enough to raise goose bumps across my skin. “It’s really that easy for you, isn’t it?”

It might not have been if I hadn’t been distracted by the cocaine.
Jason staying clean concerned me way more than his tantrum. Of course, I’d promised I wouldn’t tell Drew, which seemed like a massive mistake the longer he fixed his icy glare on me. Keeping the peace between them – or at least not making things worse – depended on me not telling Jason’s secret. No matter how much I hated the look on Drew’s face.

“It has to be,” I said. “I don’t want to be eaten up with anger for the rest of my life about stuff I can’t change.”

“Like me, you mean?”

I shook my head. “Don’t try to pull me into a fight. It’s been a hell of a morning, and I’m not up for arguing.”

“I’m not trying to argue, I’m trying to understand how you can be so okay with what he did!”

A door opened, and a young couple stepped out of their room, pausing to do a double take as they passed us. They stared, as if waiting for us to continue our argument, as if we were reality TV stars putting on a show for their enjoyment. To their credit, they didn’t linger when we stayed silent, but I was done being in front of people. I grabbed Drew’s arm and dragged him back into his room.

Jason, Mack and Joey were picking up their belongings ready to head home. They stopped as we entered, and I said, “Mack, Joey, could you give us a few minutes, please?”

The guys nodded, picking up their bags as Drew dropped ours back on the floor. Once they left, I took a deep breath. “We need to talk.”

Drew and Jason refused to look at each other; I stood between them, heart racing. My body felt heavy, as if I’d emerged from a nightmare, only to find it was my reality. If the worst thing to happen that morning was me finding myself splashed all over the tabloids, I would have coped. But it was never just about me. It was about Drew and Jason too, and how our lives all tangled together like my grandma’s bag of knitting yarn. She used to dump it out on the floor, prod around with the threads, then give up, deciding it was all too difficult before throwing it back in the bag. That’s how we were. Strands, knotted together. Occasionally, one of us would tug in the hopes it would all unravel, but mostly, we stayed the same. Sometimes the knots got tighter. But the end result was always us stuffing it away so we didn’t have to deal.

“This has to stop. It hurts me to watch you slowly destroying yourselves. Neither of you want to make the first move in sorting this out so I’m doing it for you. Whatever you want to say to each other, say it. Now. Start talking so you can fix this.”

Jason shook his head, leaning back against the wall, and Drew sat down on the bed with a look of defiance on his face, letting me know he had no intention of speaking first.

Jason wasn’t kidding when he said Drew would only hear when he was ready.

“You can’t fix us, Ellie,” Jason said. “If you thought it would be easy, you’d have done this before now.”

He was right. This was never going to be a one conversation thing. Plus, it wasn’t my place to heal their rift, only to be there for them both while they worked it out for themselves. Unfortunately, it had become increasingly clear they were incapable, or unwilling, to do that.

“Please. Can’t you try? You haven’t spoken to each other without arguing since yesterday.”

“We wouldn’t have argued if Jason hadn’t fucked everything up.”

Jason’s shoulders slumped, his hair hung limply around his shoulders. “Yeah, we just had this fight. I fuck things up, and he comes along and clears up all my mess. I know the story. I’ve been hearing it most of my life. I’m an ungrateful tosser who doesn’t appreciate him.”

As a friend, you are useless.

How could I have not seen Jason was in as much pain as Drew? He bounced back from everything without complaining but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel anything. Sometime between him finding out about me and Drew, and our earlier conversation, a door had been opened. A door which, in some ways, had been bolted tighter than Drew’s.

“Is that what you think this is about?” Drew demanded. “You think I give a shit that you don’t appreciate me? You never have, I don’t expect you to start now.”

Jason’s head snapped up. “Why don’t you tell me what it
is
about? Maybe then you can stop using Ellie as a way to prove how much better you are than me.”

My heart stopped, and Drew flew to his feet, grabbing Jason’s shirt and shoving him hard against the wall. “You can say whatever you want about me, but don’t ever suggest my feelings for Ellie aren’t real.”

I’d seen Drew angry a lot of times, but I’d never seen him move so fast, or lay a finger on anyone. It wasn’t a side of him I wanted to see again.

With shaking hands, I tried to pull him away but his grip stayed firm. “Drew, stop.”

“Did you hear what he said?”

“I heard him, but it’s not... I don’t think he-”

“I think what Ellie’s trying to say,” Jason interrupted, pushing Drew off, “is that I wasn’t saying your feelings aren’t real. But don’t try and tell me you didn’t get a kick out of rubbing it in my face.”

Oh God. Why won’t he let this drop?

“Jason, you never wanted me that way. Not for anything more serious than a few kisses when we were young and drunk.”

“But you were my best friend.”

“How has that changed?” I asked, looking right into his eyes. Again, we communicated in complete silence and I used our skill to remind him I’d helped him earlier. Slowly, some of the tension left his body. “I get that you’re still here for me, but it’ll be different. And that’s why he’s so fucking smug. He thinks he’s won.”

I couldn’t tell him he was wrong. It was the truth. Not a truth that was as twisted as it sounded though. In Drew’s eyes, being with me might have felt like a win, and not because I was arrogant enough to believe I was a worthy prize. But because, for once, he let himself be vulnerable and it paid off.

“This isn’t about me.”

I stepped away from them, taking Drew’s place on the bed. The tiredness I’d felt earlier washed over me again. This was too damn hard. Too much anger, too much suppressed agony. Too much hate between brothers who used to have nothing but love and respect for each other.

“Ellie’s right.” Jason said. “This is about us.”

Drew turned away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Maybe
I
want to talk about it! I’m sick of this passive aggressive bullshit, Drew. You wanna tell me how much you hate me? Do it! You wanna tell me how much you resent having to look after me my whole life? Come on, I’m right here. Just say it so we can move the fuck on.”

“Talking isn’t going to change anything.”

“So we’re going to carry on this way? Being pissed off with each other because you can’t let go of the past?”

“The past that’s been dragged up every day since you agreed to let Derek bring it out into the open?”

“We both agreed.”

“If you knew me as well as you think you do, you’d know I hated the idea from the start. And I did tell you.”

“You let it drop!” Jason pushed away from the wall, shaking his head again as he paced the room. “This is a waste of time. I appreciate you trying, Ellie, but I can’t do this on my own.”

Drew spun around to face Jason, eyes blazing. “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to stop acting as though I’m the reason for every bad thing that’s happened to you! I’ve done some shitty things, but I’ve worked damn hard to make up for them. Do you have any idea how hard it was? How hard it still is?”

“Try being the one who had to hold everything together while you were
doing
shitty things! You can apologise as much as you want, but you can’t take away the times I found Dad crying, blaming himself for what you did. Hearing him calling himself a bad father because he thought he didn’t do enough for you after Mum died was one of the worst times I’ve ever been through! He thought everything you did was his fault!”

Michael Brooks was the picture of a typical, old-fashioned English gent. He stood up when a woman entered the room, held doors open, pulled out chairs so you could sit down at dinner, and completed the stereotype with a stiff upper lip. Watching him suffer was as heart-breaking as witnessing Jason’s rapid decline.

Jason sagged back against the wall, the pain on his face, on both of their faces, made tears flood my eyes. Every harsh word they exchanged pierced through me like knives slashing at my soul, and I’d brought them to it. Forced them to slog it out, knowing how gut-wrenching it would be. I didn’t want them to hurt anymore.
I
didn’t want to hurt anymore. But whether the conversation happened or not, everyone hurt.

“I didn’t know,” Jason said, quietly.

“You didn’t care!” Drew shouted. “You didn’t care about anyone but yourself, and that’s never changed! You’ve always been selfish, and I’m done fixing everything you break!”

Without looking at either of us, Drew picked up our bags again, and walked out, slamming the door behind him.

I couldn’t move yet. My body trembled, and when I glanced at Jason I saw he was shaking, too. For the second time in one day, I was torn in half. I wanted so much to be with Drew. To hold him, and tell him I was sorry for pushing him. Sorry for making him dig further into those painful memories when all it did was make everything worse. But how could I leave Jason?

“Go to him, Ellie.” Jason lowered his head, and I was pretty sure his hair hid some tears.

“Jason, I-”

“He needs you more than I do.”

“I don’t think that’s completely true,” I told him, rising on wobbly legs. “I can’t leave you like this.”

I reached for his hand, and he sighed. “I’ve been waiting for him to say those things for a long time. I’ve expected it every day, and every day, he kept them bottled up.” His voice cracked, making my own tears spill. “You need to go to him. Take care of him.”

“Who’ll take care of you?” I pulled at his hand to make him look at me.

He gave me a small smile, one that didn’t quite reach his moist eyes. “I’ve got Mack and Joey waiting for me. I’ll be okay with them. When I get home I might... I might talk to Dad about the things Drew said. And tomorrow, I’ll call you. But right now, you have to go. Please.”

One comment in a conversation so full of horrible memories brought Jason down. He’d heard some of it before, but both Michael and Drew shielded him from the extent of the heartbreak he caused. I’d never understood why. The first time I spoke to Jason after he hit me, I didn’t hold back. We both wept, transporting ourselves back to that day, and even after, we knew it wasn’t an instant fix for our friendship. It was one step towards getting back to where we were. Or as close as we could after such a huge break of trust. Maybe that was why he was so different with me. We cleared the air completely. I didn’t use the possibility of a relapse as a reason to keep my feelings in. Perhaps it was selfish of me, but I wanted my friend back. Without total honesty, I couldn’t see any other way to make it happen.

I nodded. “Okay.” I put my hand up to his cheek, and wiped away a tear with my thumb before heading outside to find Drew.

I ran along the corridor and took the stairs down to the lobby where Mack and Joey stood close to the reception desk, away from the pointed camera lenses waiting to snap them.

“Have you seen Drew?”

“He went out the back exit.” Mack’s eyebrows furrowed with concern. “What happened?”

“Long story. Can one of you go up and check on Jason? I’m sure he’ll fill you in. How do I get out of here?”