Authors: ARUN GUPTA
our plates.
‘Dessert?’ I said
‘No way. I’m too full,’ Priyanka said, placing her hand on her neck to
show just how full. She is way too dramatic sometimes, just like her mom. Not
that I dare tell her that.
‘Okay, one kulfi please,’ I said to the waiter.
‘No, order gulab jamun, no?’ she said.
‘Huh? I thought you didn’t want…okay, one gulab jamun please.’
‘Same. We haven’t had a cry fest since last week’s showdown, so that
alone is a reason to celebrate. Maybe I will have half a gulab jamun.’
‘And what happened last week?’
‘Last week? Oh yes, my uncles were over for dinner. So picture this:
dinner ends and we are all having butterscotch ice cream at the dinning table.
One uncle mentioned that my cousin was getting married to a doctor, a
cardiac surgeon or something,’ Priyanka said.
The water came and gave us the gulab jamuns. I took a bite.
‘Ouch, careful, these are hot,’ I said, blowing air out ‘Anyway, what
happened then?’
‘So I’m eating my ice cream and my mother screams “Priyanka, make
sure you marry someone well settled”.’ The latter phrase was said in falsetto.
‘I’m going to be a team leader soon,’ I said and fed her a slice of gulab
jamun.
‘Relax, Shyam,’ Priyanka said, as she took a bite and patted my arm. ‘it
has nothing to do with you. The point is how could she spring it on me in front
of everyone. Like, why can’t just have ice cream like the others. Why does
my serving have to come with this hot guilt sauce. My younger brother,
nobody says anything to him while he stuffs his face.’
I laughed and signaled for the bill.
‘So what did you do then?’ I said.
‘Nothing. I slammed my spoon down on the plate and left the room.’
‘Major drama, you are no less,’ I said.
‘Guess what she says then, to everyone, “This is what I get for bringing
her up and loving her so much. She doesn’t care. I nearly died in labour when
she was born, but she doesn’t care”.’
I laughed uncontrollably as Priyanka did an outstanding imitation of her
mother. The bill arrived and my eyebrows shot up for a second as I paid the
four hundred and sixty three bucks.
We stood up to leave and the grumpy family’s voices reached us.
‘What to do? Since the day this woman came to our house, our family’s
fortunes have been ruined,’ the old woman was saying. ‘The Agra girl’s side
were offering to set up a full clinic. I don’t know where our brains were
then.’
The daughter-in-law had tears in her eyes. She had not touched her
food. The man was eating nonchalantly.
‘Look at her now, sitting there with a stiff face. Go, go to hell now. Not
only did you not bring anything, now you have dumped these two girls like
two curses on me,’ the mother-in-law said.
I looked at the little girls. They had identical plaints with cute pink
ribbons in them. The girls were holding one hand of their mother each. They
looked scared.
Priyanka was starting at them. I noticed they had ordered kulfi and
wondered if I should have done the same and at least saved my now scalded
tongue.
‘Say something now, you silent statue,’ the mother-in-law said and
shook the daughter-in-law’s shoulders.
‘Why doesn’t she say anything?’ Priyanka whispered to me.
‘Because she can’t,’ I said. ‘When you have a bad boss, you can’t say
anything.’
‘Who will pay for these two curses? Say something now,’ the mother-in-
law said. The daughter-in-law’s tears came down faster.
‘I’ll say something,’ Priyanka shouted, facing the mother-in-law.
The grumpy family turned to look at us in astonishment. I looked for a
deep to hide myself from the embarrassment.
‘Who are you?’ she husband asked, probably his first words during the
entire meal
‘We’ll worry about that later,’ Priyanka said, ‘but who the hell are you/
her husband I presume?’
‘Huh? Yes I am. Madam, this is a family matter,’ he said.
‘Oh really? You call this is a family? Doesn’t look like a family to me,’
Priyanka said. ‘I just see an old shrew and a loser wimp who are troubling
these girls. Don’t you have any shame? Is this what you married her for?’
‘See, here is another one,’ the mother-in-law said. ‘Look at the girls of
today” don’t know how to talk—look at her, eyes made up like a heroine.’
‘The young girls know how to talk and behave. It is you old ones who
need to be taught a lesson. These are your granddaughters, and you are
calling them curses?’ Priyanka said, her nose a cuter red than before. I
wanted to takes picture of that nose.
‘Whom are you madam? What is your business here?’ the husband said,
this time in a firmed voice.
‘I’ll tell you who I am,’ Priyanka said and fumbled in her handbag. She
took out her call center id card and flashed it for a nanosecond. ‘Priyanka
Sinha, CBI, Women’s Cell.’
‘What?’ the husband said, in half-disbelief.
‘What is your car number?’ Priyanka said, talking in a flat voice.
‘What?’ Why?’ the bewildered husband asked.
‘Or should I go outside to check,’ she said and glanced at the keys on
the table. ‘Santro, isn’t it?’
‘DGI 463. Why?’ the husband said.
Priyanka took out her cell phone and pretended to call a number.
‘Hello? Sinha here. Please retrieve records on DGI 463...yes...Santro…thanks.’
‘Madam, what is going on?’ the husband said, his voice quivering.
‘Three years. Harassing women in punishable for three years. Quick
trial, no appeal,’ Priyanka said and started t the mother-in-law.
The old woman pulled one of the twin granddaughter onto her lap.
‘What? Madam this is just a f-f-f-family affair and…’ the husband
stammered.
‘Don’t’ say family!’ Priyanka said, her voice loud.
‘Madam,’ the mother-in-law said, her tone now sweet, as if someone
had soaked her vocal cords in gulab jamuns, ‘we are just here to have a meal.
I don’t even let her cook see, we just had—’
‘—Shut up! We have your records now. We will keep track. If you mess
around, your son and you can have lost of meals together—in jail.’
‘Sorry madam,’ the husband said with folded hands. He asked for the
bill and fumbled for cash. Within a minute, they had paid and left.
I looked at Priyanka with my mouth open.
‘Don’t say anything,’ she said, ‘let’s go.’
‘CBI?’ I said.
‘Don’t. Let’s go.’
We sat in the Qualis I had borrowed from the call center driver.
‘Stupid old witch,’ Priyanka said. I started to drive. Five minutes later,
Priyanka turned to me. ‘Okay, you can say what you want now.’
‘I love you,’ I said.
‘What? Why this now?’
‘Because, I love it when you stand up for something that you feel for.
And that you do such a horrible job of acting like a CBI inspector. I love it
when you want to order the cheapest dishes only because I’m paying for
them. I love the kohl in your eyes. I love it when your eyes light up when you
have gossip for me. I love it that you say you don’t want dessert and then ask
me to change mine so you can have half. I love your stories about your
mother. I love it that you believe in me and are patient with my career.
Actually, you know what, Priyanka?’ I said.
‘What?’
‘I may not be a heart surgeon—but the one little heart I have, I have
given it to you.’
Priyanka laughed aloud and put her hand on her face. ‘Sorry,’ she said
and shook her head, still laughing. ‘Sorry, you were doing so well, but for the
heart surgeon line. Now, that is seriously cheesy.’
‘You know what,’ I said and removed one hand from the steering wheel
to tweak her nose. ‘They should put you in jail for killing romantic lines.’
#11
‘I can’t believe this,’ Radhika said and threw her mobile phone on her
desk, breaking up my Pandara Road dream.
Everyone turned to look at her. She covered her face with her hands
and took a couple of deep breaths.
‘What’s up,’ Priyanka said.
‘Nothing,’ Radhika said and heaved a sigh. She looked upset, but also
younger at the same time. Five years ago, Radhika must have been pretty, I
thought.
‘Tell no,’ Esha said.
‘It’s Anuj. Sometimes he can be so unreasonable.’ She said and showed
her phone to Esha. On the screen was an SMS message.
‘What is it?’ Priyanka said.
‘Read it out,’ Radhika said as she fumbled through her bag for her anti-
migraine pills. ‘damn, I only have one pill left.’
‘Really? Okay.’ Esha said and started reading the message:
’Show elders respect. Act like a daughter-in-law should.
Goodnight.’
‘What did I do wrong/ I was in a hurry, that is all, Radhika mumbled to
herself as she took her pill with a sip of water.
Esha put a hand on her shoulder.
‘What happened?’ Esha asked softly. Women do this so well: a few
seconds ago she was squealing in excitement over Ganesh, now she was
whispering in concern over Anuj.
‘Anuj is in Kolkata on tour. He called home and my mother-in-law told
him “Radhika made a face when I told her to crush the almonds a bit finer”.
Can you believe it? I was running to catch the Qualis and still made her milk,’
Radhika said and started to press her forehead.
‘Is this what mom and son talk about?’ Priyanka said.
Radhika continued, ‘And then she told him, “I am old, if the pieces are
too big they will choke my food pipe. Maybe Radhika is trying to kill me.” Why
would she say something so horrible?’
‘And you’re still knitting a scarf for her?’ Vroom said, pointing at the
knotting needles.
‘Trust me, being a daughter-in-law is harder than being a model,’
Radhika said. The pill was starting to have an effect: her face was looking
calm again. ‘Anyway, leave my boring life and me. What’s up? Ganesh calling
soon or what?’
‘Are you okay?’ Esha said, still holding Radhika’s arm.
‘Yes, I’m fine. Sorry guys, I overreacted. It’s just a little
miscommunication between Anuj and me.’
‘Looks like your mother-in-law likes melodrama. She should meet you
mother,’ Priyanka said.
‘Really?’ Radhika said.
‘Oh yes. She is the Miss Universe of melodrama. We cry together at least
once a week. Though today, she is on cloud nine,’ Priyanka said. She pulled
the landline closer to her.
My attention was diverted by a call flashing on my screen.
‘I’ll take it,’ I said, raising my hand. ‘Western Appliances, Sam speaking,
how may I help you?’
It was one of my weird calls of the night. The caller was from Virginia
and was having trouble defrosting his fridge. It took me four minutes to figure
out the reason. Turns out the caller was a ‘big person’, which is what
Americans call fat people. Hence his fingers were too thick to turn the tiny
knob in the fridge’s compartment that would activate the defrosting
mechanism. I suggested that he use a screwdriver or a knife. Fortunately, that
solution worked after seven attempts.
‘Thanks you for calling Western Appliances, sir,’ I said and ended the
call.
‘More politeness, agent Sam. Be more courteous,’ I heard Bakshi’s voice
and felt his heavy breath on my neck.
‘Sir, you again?’ I said and turned around. Bakshi’s face was as shiny as
ever. So oily, he probably slipped off his pillow every night.
‘Sorry, I forgot something important,’ he said. ‘Have you guys done by
the Western Computers website manual? I am finally sending the project
report to Boston.’
‘Yes sir. Vroom and I finished it yesterday.’ I said and took out a copy
from my drawer.
‘Hmm,’ Bakshi said as he scanned the cover sheet.