Only the Strongest Survive (24 page)

Now he was
looking at her as she lay next to him, inhaling the scent of her
body mixed with that of the flowers surrounding her. After
hesitating for a few minutes, he made a decision. He just had to
touch her, his pain was too great. He was
as scared as a child, his heart beating fast and he found
it difficult to breathe. After a while he plucked up the courage to
take her hand.

“John!” she warned him in a deep voice. She
wanted to sit up, but he swiftly put his arms around her and
pressed her close to him.

“
What are you
doing, John?” She was in shock as he continued hugging her and
would not let go. Emely didn’t know whether to react sternly and
push him away or whether to stay cool and collected in the hope
that her coldness would repel him. “What’s happening with
you?”

John wanted
to say something in his defense, but his tongue turned into a
useless solid mass that wouldn’t move. Instead, he pressed her even
closer to him and put his head on her shoulder.

Emely froze.
“John, let go of me,” she said. At the same time fear began to grow
in her as she remembered those horrific moments when he had been on
top of her, drunk and sweaty. She was getting into a panic. “John,
let me go.”

She sensed
that his body shook
occasionally. The
pressure of his arms around her middle began to ease. She turned
toward him, wanting to push him away or even slap him, when she was
astonished to see tears streaming from his eyes. “John?”

He could no longer hold back, put his head in
her lap and began sobbing.

Emely never
expected anything like this and didn’t know whether to get up and
push him away or put her hand on his head and try to ease his pain.
In the end she remained perfectly still, neither getting up nor
touching him, and waited for him to calm down and explain his
actions.

He cried for
at least five minutes, until his breathing slowly calmed down. He
was holding her hand, still not wanting to let go of her. “I know
you hate me,” he finally said through the sobs.

She
didn
’t know what to say to this. After
all, it was true. She hated him from the bottom of her heart—he had
tried to kill her and was now keeping her prisoner and earning
money on her account.
What
does he think, that I would love him after all this?
But she held on and waited to see what else he
had to say.

“I’ve never met a woman like you.” He sniffed
a few times and wiped his dripping nose. Then he slowly lifted his
head.

Emely looked
into his red eyes and couldn’t believe this reaction. She expected
anything but this. She had really thought that all he was capable
of doing with a woman was to order her around and climb on top of
her whenever the urge took him. She would have bet any amount that
in his opinion women were there only to breed children and serve as
a sex object. Emotions were not something she thought he
had.

“
I … I … I
don’t know how to tell you. No one has ever listened to me the way
you do. … I’ve never talked to anyone until the late hours like I
do to you. … I have never admired anyone as much as I admire you.
…”

For a while
she was completely silent, thinking what to say. “It’s very nice of
you to think that way, but …” She wanted to tell him that she was
nice to him only because he demanded it and it was best for their
relationship.

“I love you, Emely,” he managed to say as he
took a deep breath.

“
But—”

“I love you so much and I know you don’t love
me.”

Again he put
his head in her lap and
sobbed. She was
so touched that she put her hand on his head and gently stroked his
short hair. The fear was gone and a gentle smile appeared on her
lips. She knew she could get him to give her anything with
time.
Maybe even
freedom,
she thought.

*

They set
off
for home in silence, with Kitty
hopping around them and looking at them in turn. The horizon was
dark, the sky covered with gray clouds. The damp air foretold a
downpour. The wind tussled their hair.

*

He shut her
in her room as usual and left without saying anything else. When
alone with Kitty,
Emely sat down, put her
hand over her heart, and began thinking about everything that had
just happened. She was both touched by and impressed with what he
had said to her and also aware that she’d have to be careful,
otherwise he would sooner or later appear in her bed. The thought
of touching anything but his hand made her shudder.
I have to act tactically,
she repeated to herself.
He’s going to become less and less careful with time
and that’s when I’ll act.
She adjusted
her hair that was flattened by lying in the grass.
Yes, that’s the best
solution.

*

John, rather
depressed, set off for his room. He was ashamed of his outburst and
felt humiliated and embarrassed.
If only I could have controlled myself. What must she think
of me now?

He went to
the bathroom and took a
pill for his
stomachache. After he washed his face with soap and water, he went
to bed. Lying there, he rolled up into a ball, holding his stomach.
He could only last a few minutes thinking about other things before
his thoughts flew down to the basement. He imagined her waiting for
him with open arms. Then he fell asleep.

*

As
dinnertime approached, Emely could hear a noise
that announced his imminent arrival. Confused, she sat on the bed
and then the chair. At the last moment she adjusted a lock of hair
that was sticking out half an inch too far. John came in smiling.
Little Kitty was happy to see him and kept wagging her
tail.

“Dinner’s ready,” he said.

Emely nodded
and immediately lowered her eyes and looked at the dog.
At the table she and John were reserved and
unusually nice to each other, smiling throughout. John was
embarrassed and Emely was trying to behave as if nothing had
happened, which made her act differently than usual.

“The sun shone so warmly today,” she
said.

“Yes, but the temperature was just
right.”

“Kitty more than liked the walk,” Emely
added.

“I worry that soon it’ll be too hot during
the day for her.”

“If she gets too hot, we’ll have to trim her
coat,” she said, not really meaning it.

John kept
blushing. Emely noticed he was drinking more wine than
usual.
Obviously he’s not
forgotten his old friend, alcohol, which always gives him
courage,
she thought.
Soon he’ll be drunk and his gentleness will
change into wantonness and he’ll take me like that last
time.

“
Emely
… I’d like to apologize for today, I don’t know
what came over me. …”

It was hard
to believe, but she was beginning to blush now. She felt an
incredible heat in her cheeks.
Damn it, must be the wine,
she
thought, while saying, “Oh, John …”

“All I want to say is that it won’t happen
again. These outbursts won’t happen again. I’d like us to stay
friends.”

Another surprise for her.

“You needn’t worry, I won’t touch you again.
I know you’re afraid of me. I’d just like things to stay as they
were.”

“Of course things will stay as they were. Of
course we’ll stay friends,” she said, still feeling amazed at what
he had said.

“
I meant it
when I said that I’ve never talked to anyone like I do to you. And
I don’t want to lose that.”

Emely had to
admit
to herself that she had often
enjoyed spending time with him, but only after having a few glasses
of wine and becoming fully relaxed. Only when she was able to
forget the terrible things that had happened, shutting the door
behind them, was she able to relax and laugh at what he said to
her. But when the effects of the alcohol disappeared, she preferred
to be alone. She didn’t know which was better: when he wasn’t there
she was angry, but when he was ….

She
said,
“I think it really is best if it
stays as it is. A friendship.”

He nodded
with remorse. “Now let’s eat. The food is getting cold.”

They ate
without speaking and nothing but the noises made by their knives
and forks could be heard. Emely desperately wanted music, but said
nothing. She went on eating and staring at her plate. She was too
embarrassed to look at him and could barely wait for dinner to be
over. She had not had much time in her life for love. John had
confused her with that outburst earlier and she was unable to react
appropriately. Being used to having things under control, she
didn’t know how to behave. She felt nothing for him, but
nonetheless she often blushed and felt her breasts swelling. A few
times now she had felt her nipples grow hard when she was with him.
As she usually wore a thin T-shirt, this was more than obvious. She
was angry that this happened.

“
Shall we go
for a walk after dinner?” he said to break the silence.

“Oh yes, Kitty will love it.”

More silence.

They walked for half an hour and then John
offered to accompany her to her room.

Oh
yes,
she thought,
not only will he accompany me to it, he’ll lock me
in.

*

The moment
John lay in his bed and covered himself, the stomachache returned.
He had never been so lonely. His stomach felt as if filled with
concrete and he would have thrown it all up
, but he knew that the food was not the problem. For over
two hours he tossed and turned trying to find a suitable position,
to no avail. He wanted her there so much that he thought his head
would explode. Every moment was pure torture.

He dragged
himself to the bathroom and rummaged around to find a painkiller.
Coming across something for headaches, he took three pills, washing
them down with water. Instead of feeling better, things got worse.
The dull pain grew to a burning sensation. Swallowing was difficult
and he felt nauseated.

He went to
the bathroom again and emptied his stomach in the hope of feeling
better. But it didn’t work; his thoughts were still screaming
inside him. Clearly, his body was rebelling against everything that
was happening. He lay down again and endured the pain for a while,
lying still. Tears began to roll from his eyes. He was missing her
so much. It was as if she had bewitched him, all his thoughts
revolving around her. He felt he was going crazy.

Before
this
, all he had thought about were money
and women, but now his head was fully occupied with Emely.
Where is this going? Sooner or later
I’ll explode.

There were
moments when he wanted to die. He knew he would have to let her go
one day
, but life without her seemed
pointless. At the same time, life as it was now seemed unbearable.
He turned onto his stomach and the pain abated a little. Then his
heart began to hurt and he had difficulty breathing. He could not
go on and had to do something.

Wearing only
his underwear, he went down the stairs to the basement.
Quietly, he unlocked her door.

Emely was
asleep and before she could become fully awake, he was already
under her cover
s.

“John!” she screamed.

She was so
frightened that she got dizzy. He glued himself to her back,
squeezing her so strongly that she couldn
’t move. She lay in his arms like a mummy, stiff from head
to toe.

“
John,
no
!”

“
Sor-sorry,
Emely,” he stammered, and she realized that his voice was full of
pain. “I promise not to hurt you.”

When she felt
his warm, naked body against hers, she shuddered at first, but then
had to admit that it excited her as well. Despite that, she said,
“No, John, you must leave immediately.”

As he moved
she felt the hair on his chest tickling her back. A wave of arousal
traveled throughout her body. She couldn’t remember how long it had
been since she was with a man.

“I’ll stay just a few minutes. I need your
closeness.” He began crying again.

S
he felt relief and lay there
perfectly still, waiting for him to calm down. She didn’t want to
give him the slightest encouragement.

L
ike he promised, he kissed her
neck after five minutes and left the room in silence.

Emely’s body
was like a bomb ready to go off. She could feel her heart pounding
as if she had just run a marathon. Everything was wrong. Her head
was throbbing, her cheeks felt red-hot, all her organs worked at
double speed—as if she had taken a drug. Her body was thrown out of
balance. As she moved she noticed that her breasts were hard. So
hard that her nipples hurt when she touched them.

She got up and went to the basin. Two glasses
of cold water put out some of the fire raging inside her.