“Oh Danny, don’t say things like that. You can’t expect me to believe you when you talk this way.” A tear slid down her cheek. “I know how emotional you were with Vicky, I know how involved you got with her and I’m sure she inspired you. But I don’t think you’re being realistic. I don’t think you love me. I think you like the idea of it though. I know you, you’ll grow bored. You’re not capable of the kind of commitment real love entails. I can’t take the risk of becoming more involved with you.”
“Risk? You think I’m a risk?” He nodded as realization dawned on him. Her past was coming back to haunt them. “You think I’m like Simon. You think I’ll hurt you, just like he did. Betray you, cheat on you.”
She shrugged. “I think you’ll leave. You always do.”
He narrowed his eyes, reluctant to bring her father into the argument but knowing he had no choice. “I’m not your father, either. You’re not your mother. Our relationship is different.” He calmed himself, kept his tone gentle. “Morgan, I understand you’ve been hurt before, felt rejected by the men you love. But I’m different. You
know
that. Hello? It’s me, Danny, your friend. Remember, the one you’ve counted on your whole life? The one who’s been there for you, when
those
men weren’t? Damn it, you turned to me for support when Simon cheated, you came to me for sympathy when your dad left. I was there for you. I’ll
always
be there for you.”
Amy was crying openly now, tears pouring down her cheeks. “As my friend,” she sobbed. “You were there as my friend. I could trust you then. I knew you wouldn’t betray me. I could lean on you.” She sniffed loudly and wiped her nose on her arm. “But it’s different now,” she whispered.
“Why?” He was stumped. “Because we’re sleeping together? You trust me less because I’m not just your friend but your lover as well?”
She nodded. “You leave your lovers, Dan. You always do. I don’t want to be one of those women you leave.”
“I’m not leaving you, Morgan.”
“Yes, you are. On Monday.”
Understanding broke through. “Son of a bitch,” he swore, his anger escalating. “It’s all about Janine, isn’t it? You think I’m gonna sleep with her.” He was pissed off. “What the heck? I’ve slept with her before, I’ll sleep with her again. A little mindless fucking to while away the long nights together.” He was damn furious. “What the hell kind of trust do you have in me, anyway?” He jumped up and paced the room, his voice way louder than usual. “We discussed this.” He jabbed a finger in her direction. “I asked you if you were okay with me and Janine working together. Several times. What was your response? ‘Do it, Danny. You have to do it.’” He whipped his hand through his hair. “You told me to go ahead. No, you insisted!”
The deep breath he took didn’t relax him in the slightest. He stalked over to Amy and leaned over her, his hands gripping the arms of the chair. “Just what the fuck kind of an opinion do you have of me, anyway? Do you seriously think I’d sleep with another woman just because I can? Because the opportunity is there?”
Amy opened her mouth then closed it without saying anything.
“Do I mean so little to you?” His voice was hoarse. He couldn’t help it. Her lack of trust was nothing less than astounding. “We’ve been together for seventeen years and you think I’d screw around on you? Dump you to screw someone else? You think I’d fuck you over like that?” She honestly thought he would. How could she have so damn little faith in him, in them? “You’re an idiot—and a hypocrite. You’re the one who’s running here. Not me. You’re the one who’s scared of commitment. You’re breaking up with me before I can break up with you.”
He shook his head in contempt. “We could have it all. We could have our friendship, we could be lovers… Hell, somewhere down the line we could even have a family. But you’re so scared I may hurt you, you’re not even willing to give us a chance.”
Amy seemed to spring back to life. “If I gave you a chance it would destroy me. Maybe I am scared. So what? My fears are justified. Your past proves you can’t commit to a woman. When was the last time you had a meaningful relationship? Why should I believe ours would be different?” Her voice lifted a notch. “You’ll leave me, Daniel, just like my father and just like Simon. When you do, I’ll lose it all. My lover and my best friend. I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough to cope with it. You will leave, Daniel, you always do.”
Daniel pushed himself away from her chair. “Damn it, Amy. Have a bit of faith.”
She shook her head sadly. “I can’t take the chance.”
He grabbed both of her wrists, desperate. “Trust me.”
“Danny, in the last two years alone you’ve had fourteen—no, fifteen girlfriends. I refuse to be one of those women. I couldn’t bear the rejection when it was time to move on.”
He shook her arms. “Open your eyes, woman. We have a history together, a friendship that will secure this relationship. I love you. Why would I ever leave you?”
Amy put up her hand. “Stop it. Don’t say things like that. It just makes it more difficult for me to end this.”
“Why would you want to end it?” Was he the only one who could see how illogical this was?
“Because I don’t want to be hurt again,” she snapped. “And I will be if this goes any further.”
“You haven’t heard a word I’ve said. I won’t hurt you. I love you.” He was shouting now.
“No. You love the idea of me. You love me as a friend and you love making love to me. That doesn’t mean you’re in love with me.”
“What more do you want me to do?” he yelled. “What else can I say to convince you I’m dead serious?” He pounded the wall in frustration. “For God’s sake, Amy, we’re adults. Don’t you think I know what I mean when I say I love you? Don’t you think it’s time you put a little faith in me?”
He watched her face ice over, watched as her shoulders stiffened and her back straightened. Before his eyes she turned into a stranger.
She uttered the words that made him sick to his stomach. “I think, Daniel, that it’s time to call it quits. If we continue to sleep together, I’ll only end up resenting you and I’d hate that. Please leave. Now. While our friendship is still intact. So our memories of this…time aren’t twisted and bitter, so that tomorrow when we wake up, we can be friends again.”
“Don’t do this, Amy. Don’t destroy us. We don’t deserve that.” Anguish tore at his gut.
“It’s too late, Daniel. It’s over. Please, just leave.”
Pain. So much pain. How was it possible to feel so fucked up from one conversation?
“Please,” she begged him. “Please go. While I still have some dignity left.”
“We won’t be friends tomorrow.” He could never go back. “I don’t want to be your friend. It’s not enough, not anymore.” Did he sound as god-awful as he felt?
She never answered, just crossed the room and opened the door.
What more was there to say? Daniel walked to the door, stopped, turned around and took one last look at her. Then he left. The soft click of the door closing behind him echoed throughout his hollow body.
Chapter Thirteen
When Simon cheated on her, Amy thought she’d never get over it. Thought she would be miserable and alone for the rest of her life. Time had taught her the truth. The heartache she dealt with after Simon left was nothing compared to what she was going through now. It was like comparing a blister to an amputation.
What she was experiencing now was nothing short of absolute destruction. Daniel had been ripped out of her life. One minute he was there and everything was fantastic. The next he was gone and her whole world was just one big screw-up.
Without Daniel, she had nothing. Life lost all meaning.
When he walked out of her apartment, he walked out of her life. There were no negotiations, no “I’ll see you tomorrow”, no last minute change of mind. He was gone. Her brilliant plan had failed. She hadn’t saved herself from the hurt of his ultimate rejection, and she hadn’t saved any part of their friendship.
Without meaning to, she fulfilled her own prophecy. She lost her lover and her best friend. All because she sent him away.
Bottom line: she messed up. Messed up bad.
She couldn’t sleep properly, couldn’t even remember the last time she had a full night’s rest. She would lie in bed and ache for the feel of Daniel’s warm body against hers, the sound of his voice in her ear as they made love.
When she did sleep, her dreams were troubled. They were always about Daniel, but she could never talk to him in them, never touch him. He was always too far away or had just left when she arrived. She would yell, try to catch his attention, but her screams would find no voice. When she tried to run after him, her legs were weighted and wouldn’t move. He would always walk away, walk out of her life, and she was helpless to get him back.
It was easier not to sleep.
Food lost its appeal. It stuck in her throat, gagging her. In the passing weeks she lost nearly nine pounds.
It was easier not to eat.
Then there were those terrifying moments when she couldn’t remember what he looked like. She could feel his silky curls, smell his aftershave, even see his dimples and devilish smile, but she couldn’t put the image together to make his face whole.
It had been a month now, the most awful month of her life. A month of silence. She didn’t have a clue whether his assignment was over or even if he was home. She hadn’t heard a word from him since that hideous night. Not a visit, not a call, not even an SMS.
She couldn’t blame him. After all, she kicked him out. What did she want him to do? Come groveling back to her? Daniel didn’t grovel.
There wasn’t a damn thing she could do to get him back.
Amy missed him. Hell, she pined for him. She was lonelier than she ever thought possible. Even when she stood in the middle of a crowd, she was alone. Her best friend was gone. She had sent her lover away and life was just plain crap.
How could she have coordinated this terrible sequence of events? How could she have calmly stood in her lounge and ordered Daniel out of her life? Her reasoning had seemed so solid then. Now it just seemed stupid. Shit, her whole life was stupid, pointless.
Without Daniel, it held no purpose.
She loved the man. Wanted him back. She couldn’t live without him. Her sorry state of mind bore testament to that fact.
A knock on the door disturbed her despondent musings.
“Come in!” She blotted her eyes and blew her nose, clearing her throat as she stared expectantly at the door.
Maggie walked in with Miranda, one of the other fertility counselors.
“Hi Ame, we need your help, if that’s—” Maggie broke off mid-sentence and stared at Amy.
Amy shook her head, hoping Maggie would understand she didn’t want to say anything right now, especially in front of Miranda. “Hayfever,” she lied.
Maggie looked uncertain for a moment, even opened her mouth a few times to say something, but in the end she gave a short nod and simply said, “We were hoping to get your help with this case, if you have the time.”
“Of course.” She temporarily shoved her misery aside, figuring she had about four minutes until the pain came reeling through again. “Come sit down.”
Maggie handed her a folder. “I know you’re familiar with the basic details of the case,” she said. “But there’s been a new development.”
Without even glancing at the folder, Amy knew they were talking about the gay couple.
“Maggie and I have just had a meeting with them,” Miranda said. “They’ve decided to go ahead with artificial insemination through the clinic. They’re using a known donor, a gay friend of theirs.”
“Are they fully aware of the legal rights the man will have once the child is born?” Amy asked.
“Fully. So is the donor. That’s why we’re here. We all think he should have counseling before he donates his sperm. Although he has indicated his willingness to give up his parental rights, both women want to make sure he is one hundred percent okay with his choice.”
“And you want me to counsel him?”
Miranda nodded. “It wouldn’t be ethical for me to counsel him, not when I’ve seen the couple. He needs someone objective.”
Amy nodded. “I’ll do it with pleasure.” She had wished she was involved in this case and now here was her opportunity. Besides, it would give her something to focus on, apart from Daniel. “What timeframe are we looking at?”
“The sooner you see him, the sooner we can start the treatment,” Maggie said.
“All the details are in here?” She held up the file.
Miranda nodded.
“Okay, I’ll read through it now and give him a call. Is he expecting to hear from me?”
“He knows someone’s going to contact him,” Miranda said, standing up.
“I’ll let you know what happens,” she promised as Miranda left. Maggie didn’t move.
With Miranda no longer in the office, Amy’s defenses dropped.
“Still feel shitty?”
“Worse,” Amy admitted. “And don’t be nice, it’ll only make me cry.” It was too late though. Her tears were already starting.
“Call him,” Maggie urged. “Tell him you made a mistake. Ask him for a second chance.”
She shook her head. “I can’t. He doesn’t want to hear from me. If he did, he’d have contacted me.”