“Well then let’s
go!”
Erin
jumps up from the bed and starts
bouncing up and down. “Come on! Kyle hasn’t done anything since that call. We
will be gone for like an hour! They won’t even know.”
I consider
everything that
Erin
is saying, but I do not want to make
Adam mad. He is doing so much to ensure our safety, but she has a point. Kyle
hasn’t made contact with me since that day and everything seems to be alright.
“Ok, let’s go but we have to be quiet!” Adam and Connor are in the office and
in meetings all day, so I know that we can get in and out without them ever
finding out what we are about to do. I quickly change into my black skinny
jeans and a pale blue sweater. I throw on my jacket and a hat and we make our
way out the door.
When we get
outside, the weather is calm and there is a slight breeze. It is February, and
it seems as though spring has come early. All the snow has melted and I can
hear chirping all around me.
Erin
loops her arm around mine and we walk
toward Passion Spa.
The spa is close
to the apartment, about six blocks away. When we arrive inside the spa, it is
quite busy for a Wednesday afternoon. There are three receptionists at the desk
all dressed in black pants and white button down shirts. There is a fountain in
the middle of the room with products all over. A blonde hair, brown-eyed woman
greets us. “Welcome to Passion ladies. My name is Francine, how may I help you
today?”
“Hi Francine, we
are looking to be absolutely spoiled and pampered today, so two of the
rejuvenate packages please,”
Erin
responds.
“Wonderful.
Please follow me this way. Would either of you like beverage, wine, water?”
“Water please.”
I answer as we follow Francine to the back.
“Sounds good, I
will grab those glasses for you ladies. Now please undress and put these robes
on. You will have your massage first, followed by a facial and seaweed wrap and
you will end with a manicure and pedicure.”
We both start
giggling and do as Francine has instructed.
* * * * *
After the most
relaxing four hours, Erin and I come out of the spa feeling and looking ten
times better. “
Ahhhh
, that was so needed! Thank you
so much for convincing me to do this!”
“Anything for
you, best friend,”
Erin
pulls out her phone and starts scrolling
through her messages. “
Ummmm
, you’re not going to
like me for very long.”
“Why?” I cry
out. “What happened?” I am beyond annoyed at this point. I know it was a bad
idea for us to leave the apartment. We both stop walking and I can see how
nervous she is getting.
“Adam is
freaking out right now. He is been all over looking for us. Where’s your
phone?”
I go through my
purse and pockets. “Oh crap. I left it in the apartment!” I take
Erin
’s arm and start running. I’m so mad at
myself. This is what I wanted to avoid. Adam and I do not need this right now
and I don’t want to keep making him mad. I know that my safety means the world
to him and that I have to stop being selfish and let him handle all the problems.
I just want him to understand I can’t be in the
We start back
toward the apartment and I get worried. I’m sure I already know how Adam is
going to react and what he will do. When I open the door, I see Connor sitting
on the couch with his laptop. “Go find him
Soph
. I’ll
deal with Connor.”
Erin
walks over to him and gives him a hug.
He looks relieved to have us home.
I can’t find
Adam anywhere in the common areas, so I head to our room. Inside, he is looking
out the window with his arms crossed. His entire body looks tense. I can’t
stand to look at him like this. He is in so much pain and I’m the one who is
the cause of his stress. We can’t keep letting Kyle ruin our lives. How can
Adam and I grow with Kyle lurking out there? I want to convince him that I’m
fine and all the guards and the protection aren’t necessary. I wish he could
just see it my way. I walk over and try to talk to him. I wrap my arms around
his waist and softly squeeze. “I’m sorry.”
Adam looks at
me. His eyes filled with rage and sadness. “Do you know how worried I was about
you? Why can’t you just listen to me? There is so much going on with Kyle and
you just go out there without any thought or consideration.” He is pacing the
room, and will not even look at me. “I don’t get it. Sophia, I am trying to
keep you safe... I am trying to keep you ALIVE, SOPHIA! Can you stop being
selfish for two seconds and realize that there are people here who are trying
to keep you safe?”
I close my eyes
and let out a deep sigh. I knew he wouldn’t understand my reasons for doing
this and for leaving without letting someone know, but I wasn’t in any harm. I
made it home without any issues. I just don’t understand the problem. “You
don’t get it! I hate being here all the time. You won’t let me go anywhere!
Adam, I feel trapped in the apartment! I don’t get to do anything! Kyle hasn’t
done anything lately! Why can’t you just let me go a little?” I start pacing
the room. I am getting irritated and annoyed. “I know you want to keep me safe
but keeping me trapped here isn’t the answer! I just wanted to get out of here
and do… something! Your paranoia is going to tear us apart. Look at us Adam.”
“Sophia, I know
that I’ve been going crazy but you don’t get it. I cannot lose you again,
please just leave it at that. Do you know how broken I was when I found you in
that bathroom? I thought you were dead baby.” He comes up to me and brings me
in his arms. “You need to realize how much I love you and what I am willing to
do to keep you safe. You are my world. The love I have for you grows every
second. You are all I think about on a daily basis. I want a future with you
and for that to happen, you need to be safe. I will move Heaven and Earth just
to ensure you will never feel pain. I need you to be safe so that we can have a
life together. You’ve changed my life since the day I saw you in class.” He
reaches down and strokes my cheek. “I remember that smile, which was the same
smile I fell in love with when we were younger. You were wearing jeans, a pink
shirt and a white cardigan. You had your hair curled and seeing you again made
me realize how much I needed you back in my life. You complete me baby. You’re
it for me.”
All of this is
too overwhelming and I can’t handle it. I hate that Adam has to spend extra
money to keep me safe when there is no immediate danger. His words are like
daggers to my body. “Adam, I’m sorry but I feel like you’re suffocating me.”
There I said it. I knew my words would hurt him but I hate the feeling of being
trapped.
His eyes are
full of fear and panic. “Sophia, this is why I never came back! You’re so
selfish!” I step back from him. I know he is upset, but those venomous words!
Doesn’t he know how much it hurts to hear that? I feel like each step we take,
something happens and pushes us back to square one. Maybe we aren’t meant to be
together. “You won’t let anyone take care of you and you can’t see what is
right in front of you!”
I cover my mouth
and my eyes are wide open. I bite my tongue because I know he is right, but I’m
not that patient. I place my hands on my hips and narrow my eyes at him. “Adam
Simpson, don’t you dare take that tone with me! Do you know who you are talking
to? I am
not
one of your friends! You cannot just spit those ugly words
at me.” I take in a deep breath and let it out. I can feel my body trembling.
This is too much to handle. I go back to the bed and sit down with my head
hanging low. “I know I’m all sorts of fucked up Adam… alright? You don’t have
to remind me.” I start to cry. “You never saved me! Did you know I saved you
the night you hit that tree? I was reaching out for you and needed you like
never before.” My shaky voice quickly turns into sobs. “I needed you Adam but
you weren’t there. I cried every single day. I do want to be with you but you
will see me for who I really am and then you will leave. I don’t think I can
handle that.”
“Well, I’m here
now Sophia and I am not going anywhere.” He places his hands on my knees and
kneels in front of me. I see his powerful gaze on me. “I know I hurt you
before, but I promise you I will never do that again.” He places his forehead
against mine and I can feel his heart beating. The way he feels for me is so
strong and apparent but for some reason I am scared. “I need you like I never
needed anything else. You are my life, can’t you see that?”
I hold him and
close my eyes. This isn’t how our life should be. The fighting and paranoia is
driving me crazy. “I don’t want to leave you but I can’t live like this. You
have to trust my instincts and me. I will be fine.” I feel myself becoming
angrier and sad. I don’t want to leave, but if I don’t, I know I will grow to resent
him.
Adams
walks back to the window with his arms
crossed. “Unacceptable
Soph
, I need you to be safe.”
I feel a sharp
pain in my heart. I understand everything he is telling me, but this whole
‘control act’ is too much. My whole body starts to tremble with sadness. My
head is spinning and I can feel the knots forming in my stomach. I know I have
to get away just for a little bit. I need to regain myself and to compose my
thoughts. Being with Adam is a dream come true; but not this way. I want to be
with him, spend time with him, and go to work with him. I want the whole
package not just a little. I pick up my purse and start to head out. “Adam, I
love you but I can’t live like this. I just need a few days apart from you.
This is too much for me to handle. I hope you can understand and forgive me.”
“Sophia, wait
please. I just got you back and you are leaving me again. What did I do wrong?”
His pleading voice breaks me but I know I have to leave. I storm out of the
room and out of the apartment. I race down the stairs and can hear Adam’s voice
in the distance. I get to the garage and run to my car. I have to get out of
here. When I get in, I put the car in drive and head back home. The lump in my
throat starts to come up and I start sobbing.
Am I doing the right thing?
I want to get out of my car and run back to him. Back in those loving arms and
tell him I am sorry, but I just cannot bring myself to do that. I need space to
recollect my thoughts and feelings. I hope I am doing the right thing but why
does it feel so wrong? Why can’t I just accept someone loving me and is truly
trying to keep me safe? Will Adam still be waiting for me when I come back? I
don’t understand why I can’t accept Adam and his love. Am I doomed to be alone
for the rest of my life?
The house is
empty by the time I get home. My dad is out of town for the next few weeks and
Sarah is probably at work. I climb the stairs to my old room and crawl into
bed. Right as my head hits my pillow I start crying. The tears fall from my
eyes and I clench my pillow tightly.
Why did I leave?
I look over and
see a picture of Adam and I back when we were happy. There is no Kyle, no fear
of getting hurt- just the two of us. I pick up the picture frame and hold it to
my heart. I am selfish. I pushed away the best thing that ever happened to me.
I look at the picture and touch Adam’s face, his smile, his eyes. Everything
about him, burned in my memory. I clench the frame tighter.
The pain is
agonizing. I cannot breathe. It is so hard to think about what just happened. I
kick myself for doing this to him. I throw the frame against the wall and start
sobbing. I run to my closet and start throwing everything on the floor. My legs
fail me and I fall to the floor in the fetal position. I hold myself and close
my eyes but all I see is the darkness. I feel my heart shattering into
pieces.
It is as though someone has
reached into my chest and is pulling my heart out. I know there is no one to
blame but myself.
Who will love me now?
Only three days
went by, but it felt as though a million years passed. The pain is unbearable;
I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained.
I cry myself to sleep and hug my pillow
imagining that I am holding Adam. I am so alone. I broke all my promises to
him. I am not sleeping through the night. I wake up sweating because of
nightmares or a feeling that someone is watching me. I keep the alarm on at
night. This feeling of helplessness is too much for me and taking over my life.
I hate to be alone but I am too ashamed to call anyone to apologize.