Reason to Believe (White Lace) (3 page)

This was
not
the situation I’d agreed to.

I had thought I’d been invited to my best friend’s house to clean out the junk we’d accumulated in the few years we’d lived together, thinking the hardest choice I’d have to make was whether to keep, donate, or trash.

But now Ben Lockwood sat across from me, and the only choice I had was to avoid eye contact, because I knew the moment I looked at him, my nipples would immediately harden into razor sharp points ready to cut glass. His long, blond hair was always out of control. I loved it. Loved the way it fell over his eyes, making him mysterious. Loved the way it had tickled my neck and chest when he’d paid attention to my nipples.

Because I knew how that felt.

Because we’d had sex six months ago. I’d let him own me, and it had been the best sex of my life.

But that was then.

I was no longer
that
girl.

I was moving on with my career, and I didn’t have time for frivolous sexual encounters.

No matter how good the memory.

“Not that I don’t enjoy the chitchat, but what the hell are we doing here?” Ben asked, leaning forward to place his empty beer bottle on the glass coffee table.

Everly was currently snuggled up on the couch in the family room with her boyfriend, Max Levin. They had been together for about six months now, the very dictionary definition of a whirlwind, opposites-attract romance. But she was happy. I saw it every time she looked at him.

Who knew the son of a porn star had it in him to sweep my friend off her feet?

And I wanted the same thing, damn it.

“I need all hands on deck.” She stood, releasing herself from Max’s embrace but not before giving him a kiss on the cheek. She paced the small room, moving to the long end of the coffee table to address us. “The grand opening party is only three weeks away and you two are going to help.”

Max had spent weeks renovating the hotel and it was now open for business. Most of the kinks had been worked out, so Everly was planning a grand opening event in the lounge attached to the hotel.

Ben groaned. “Everly I appreciate the magnitude of the event, but ever since asshole left to pursue his dreams I’ve been swamped. I’m not sure I have any minutes to spare.”

Selfish ass.

If Everly wanted to ply me with work, so be it. Idle hands were currently my worst enemy.

“Evs, you need a job or to go back to school or something.” Ben’s observation, although over the line, was dead on. “You’re practically vibrating from stress.”

“Just for that, you’re on swag duty.” Everly looked none too pleased. “Both of you.”

“The two of us?” Ben looked nauseated. “Like…the two of us?” He pointed between us with his index finger. His shoulders now taking up residence by his ears.

My relationship with Ben was amicable, but usually he played the part of jerk to perfection. And not once had we ever brought up the elephant in the room—the smokin’ hot sex session we’d had six months ago. Luckily, we were always in a group. So there was always a buffer.

“You need to make five hundred bags.” Everly sucked in a breath and let it out slowly, her own way of keeping herself in check. “I’ll have everything delivered to White Lace so you’ll have enough room to get it done.”

“Five hundred is a lot, Ev.”

She waved me off. “Totally doable.”

“So you want us to do this together?” Ben still wasn’t dropping the togetherness factor.

I was just as nervous at the potential of having to spend time with him, only the two of us, but I would not let him know it. Because I shouldn’t be nervous. Not one little bit.

“Get a grip, Ben.” He was just a man. But considering my loins were practically vibrating, this development wasn’t going to do anything to keep my libido in check. “I think we can handle making up some bags.”

We were adults. We could shove stuff in bags in awkward silence. Although…

The only thing you want him to shove is his cock in your—

I turned, giving him my best friendly smile. “I’ll bring the beer, you bring the snacks.”

“Thank you, Grace.” The fact that I’d handled Ben was evident in the release of tension from Everly’s shoulders. I would do anything for my best friend. Even spend time with the one man I wanted to stay far away from.

I shoved a couple more beers and two more slices of pizza down my throat then everyone called it a night. I was finally alone, settling into my bed for the evening—the couch in the family room. But I wasn’t tired. My brain and body were revved up and my hands itched for action.

I fiddled around on my computer, doing a search on Elle Cosmetics. Tomorrow I had a meeting with the CEO. I hadn’t planned on working for someone else, but business had dried up. Considering that I had zero prospects and no idea where my next paycheck was going to come from, I couldn’t say no.

But knowing that Ben was just upstairs stole my focus.

I rummaged in my bag and pulled out my knitting needles. Just another one of the hobbies I had taken up to try and keep myself occupied, and my mind off sex.

Loop. Pearl. Loop. Pearl.

I focused on my breath. It usually did the trick, a few deep, cleansing ones and all was right with the world. But not tonight.

It was no use. Not with Hottie McLockwood sleeping right above me.

I hated that he brought out the worst in me. He brought out Jade—the only means I had to protect myself, and my heart, from him. But there was one thing I did know. There was no way I was going to sleep tonight, not without release.

I threw the needles down, opening my laptop and searching through my downloads. There was one file that I had promised myself I’d only watch once.

It was an old White Lace scene with Ben as the lead male, but you don’t see his face. It was only his voice, his hands, and his unmistakable cock. I played the video, replacing my face with the redhead’s.

What level of pathetic was watching your crush screw another girl in a legitimate porn film? And how much higher on the pathetic scale did it put me if I admitted it turned me on?

With a groan I let my hand travel down my stomach to find the hem of my tank top. I slipped my fingers underneath, finding bare skin, and moved them up over hot skin to my breasts. I kneaded one through the cotton of my bra, while my other hand had a mind of its own. It went the opposite direction and slipped below my pajamas right into my panties.

I was already hot and slick, my fingers penetrating—

“Shit!” A startled voice sounded from the doorway. “I’m sorry. Shit.”

I froze, hand still inside my pants, eyes still watching Ben’s big hand squeeze the girl’s breast as his cock thrust inside her. He’d just caught me red-handed. With my fucking hand down my fucking pants, watching a video of him and some random chick fucking.

Fuck!

Unfortunately for me, I had my head to the door and he could see the screen perfectly, but thank God for small favors. I hadn’t put the sound on.

I craned my neck, finally mustering the courage to look in his direction. He’d wrapped his hand across his eyes like a five-year-old, which was charming, considering he’d seen a lot more of me in a much more compromising position.

He’d manhandled me that afternoon. And I’d loved it.

My embarrassment, coupled with my frustrated memory of how easily I had caved to his demands, brought out a certain rage, and I yelled, “Don’t you fucking knock?” I slammed my laptop shut. “You can’t just watch me.”

“You don’t have a door.”

I let out a heavy breath, and sat up, pushing the laptop off my legs.

He finally looked at me, and when our eyes locked, my entire body heated. I felt them everywhere; on my face, on my chest, and between my legs. They were always so intense. Always scrutinizing. Always drinking me in. Like he was trying to find my best angle or my greatest attribute, as if he was trying to figure out how to make me look good on camera.

He sauntered over to the couch and I scrambled, tucking my legs under my body as he lowered on the opposite end. The casual way he carried himself was also something I was drawn to, because for the last four years I didn’t have the luxury of being casual. There was always something nagging at me, something that kept my mind and body in flight mode.

“I couldn’t sleep.” His blond hair fell over one eye—and it was sexy as hell. “I was coming down for some water.”

I closed my eyes and breathed him in, letting him fill my lungs, and for the first time in a long while, it felt like I’d taken a deep breath.

“Why can’t you sleep?”

He shrugged. “Just trying to figure out my life.”

Aren’t we all?

“Are you seriously knitting?” He leaned over, picking up the needles and the scarf I was attempting to make.

“Yes.” I grabbed at them, trying not to unravel my work. “It’s calming. What’s your hobby? Finding a cure for STD’s?”

I cringed. I hadn’t meant to be mean. Somehow he just brought it out of me.

He laughed and settled deeper into the couch, one arm stretched across the back. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

“You probably need a lot of hobbies since you’re no longer screwing guys.” I heard him suck in a breath and his hand tensed on the arm of the couch. “I’m sorry.” He hung his head. “With you there’s no in-between. I’m either an asshole or I have no idea what to say.”

Somehow that made me feel better, because I was definitely going to pretend that his response meant he was just as mixed up about our relationship, about this thing between us, as I was.

But right now, all I could think about was the way Ben’s big hands had gripped my hips while he thrust inside me. How those blue eyes had locked on mine, taking me to a place I still hadn’t recovered from.

I’d been on my own for years now, and it scared me how easily I had given in to his needs. It was even more scary how easily I had let him figure out mine and give me exactly what I’d wanted.

I wasn’t sure I liked that woman. So I did the only thing I could think of to keep her locked away, especially when it came to Ben Lockwood. Jade was ever-present whenever he was near, the woman I wanted to be not even a blip on my radar.

“So…” I leaned forward, letting my finger trail down his arm to his wrist. “Are you going back to bed, or do I need to lock myself in the bathroom to finish?”

My answer was him bolting from the couch. But instead of leaving, he hovered in the doorway. Looking over his shoulder, but only giving me his profile, he said, “You do know you’re not going to be able to finish without thinking of me.” This time he turned his head all the way, and I saw his grin. “Download episode thirty-four. It’s the only one where you see my face.”

Even from the doorway he’d recognized his scene. I groaned, smashing my head back to the pillow.

Sex with Ben had been the best of my life, but if I was truly going to move forward and leave my escort days behind, I needed to stay far away from everything having to do with the sex industry.

Ben Lockwood was my past.

And he was going to stay there.

I felt like I was here under duress, but I had to admit that I was curious about this meeting.

The moment I’d walked into the small waiting area surrounded by a grouping of offices on the third floor of Shaw College, an immediate sense of terror had washed over me. This room reminded me of the principal’s office and the many times I had been summoned over the PA system to confess to a crime I’d probably committed.

“Mr. Lockwood. Thank you for stopping by.”

I looked up, not expecting an attractive women in her fifties to greet me. Not because I was sexist, but because I never would’ve guessed that a woman would go out of her way to get a porn company on the list of approved internships.

“Professor Hughes?”

She nodded.

I stood and walked toward her, holding out my hand in greeting. She gave me a sweet smile. A genuine smile. Not one laced with judgment or disgust like I was accustomed to.

This meeting had just gotten even more interesting.

I followed her inside and sat on the dark wood chair across from her desk. She settled into a brown leather one.

“I assume Cory gave you the short version of why you’re here?”

I nodded, even though I still really didn’t believe it. There was no way Cory had successfully gotten this approved. I was sure I was here to get a talking-to, to be told that only a fiend would think a respectable college would allow their students to intern in porn. Why else would I have to meet the head of the film studies department?

Without even looking at me, Professor Hughes said, “Although he’s only in his first year, Cory has already proven more experienced than the rest of the pack.” She slapped a stack of papers on her desk, letting them sift through her fingers to even them out. She placed them in a pile on the edge of her desk and finally looked at me. “Cory is eager. Hardworking and has real vision. His entrance film was light-years ahead of the other first year students so I had him enroll in a few third year courses to keep him engaged.”

“Your idea of keeping him engaged is with porn?” I scoffed. “There’s a first for everything.”

“I’ve worked really hard to get this program to the top. It’s close to becoming the best in the country.” She sat back in her chair, like a queen sitting on her throne addressing her subjects, and I had to stop myself from squirming under her stare. I was the VP of a multimillion-dollar company, for Christ’s sake.

Professor Hughes was all business, and her office was just as uptight—white walls, no pictures or decoration, and a couch that looked like it’d been rescued from a war zone and offered asylum in her office.

“Part of the reason why there is a list of hundreds of students waiting to get into my program is because I’ve made the effort for flexibility, tailoring a student’s education plan, making it their own.”

My teachers in high school had been eager to get rid of me. And my instructors during the one and only semester I’d attended college had been mediocre at best.

“While I think the decision might raise some eyebrows with our alumni, I’m ready to take the heat.” There was no flinch. Her hands were clasped on her desk so there was no way she was crossing her fingers behind her back.

“You do realize he’ll be watching people have sex. Auditioning people to have sex for money. Viewing film where people…have sex.”

She nodded.

I blew out a hard breath and ran my hand through my hair. “I really don’t know what to say.” This woman was too good to be true, and so was her outlook. “I’m a little shocked. We’ve had interns, but never have they been affiliated with any type of school curriculum. Most people frown upon what we do.”

“I’m not most people, Mr. Lockwood.” She sat forward, letting her forearms rest on the desk. Her blond hair fell over her shoulders and hung limply. “I’m willing to sanction Cory’s placement as long as you can agree to a few conditions.”

Here we go. I was wondering when the “conditions” were going to make an appearance.

“Lay them on me.” I sat back, getting comfortable.

My seeming disinterest didn’t go over well and she pursed her lips and raised one eyebrow, immediately forcing me to sit up straight.

“I’m really not concerned on the ‘what’ but more the “how.” I expect that you’ll deliver on the five principles outlined in this packet. It details each module and the components we’d like you to include in your program.”

She slid an envelope across the desk. I flipped through it, focusing on terms like “composition” and “sequence.” And that’s when it hit me. This was
so
not going to work. I didn’t know any of these principles.

Professor Hughes continued, “We want the students to get a sense of what your real day is like. Don’t shelter them from issues, and wherever possible don’t load them down with fun and creative make-work projects.”

“Professor, look, I don’t have a program. I was a bad student. I wear jeans to work. In the summer it’s shorts. I have no education. These students are almost my age and have more credentials than I do. I just point the camera at people having sex.”

“You are more than a director, Mr. Lockwood. Are you not Vice President of White Lace Productions?”

“I…” Yes, I was, but I still didn’t think of myself as such.

“Someone saw enough in you to put you in a position of power. In a position to make decisions. A man who is trusted with these things is no hack.”

I still didn’t know why Hirsh had trusted me enough to take over Max’s position. Maybe he’d had no choice. Actually, that was becoming more apparent every day, as he missed meeting after meeting. His no-show status was seriously affecting my ego. I’d never been the smart one, that was all Max. However, I had taken solace in the fact that I was creative. But Max’s endeavors into the hotel business had proven that he also had vision, creativity. So once again I was struggling with trying to measure up.

“Mr. Lockwood. There’s one more thing.”

Of course there was.

“Every mentor participates in a speakers series sponsored by the program.”

Just like the terror that had taken over when I’d walked into this office, once again I was struck with fear. “You want me to speak in public?” I was never the center of attention. At least not in a business capacity. I hated doing interviews. I hated accepting awards. I hated anything that took my eye away from the camera.

Which meant when the time came for me to address the student body, I’d be way out of my league.

I hated this feeling—insecurity in everything I did. I hadn’t felt like this since I was a kid. Since I’d had to compete for my mother’s attention.

“You’ll speak one day to my class and the second will be open to the entire program. You’ll give a brief overview of what you do, mostly focusing on your directing experience, and the kids will take it from there. There are always more questions than minutes so I wouldn’t worry about having to fill the time.”

This professor wanted me to be a legitimate businessman, despite the fact that my business was orgasms and cum shots.

“So can Cory start next week?” she asked.

This could be the big break I’d been hoping for. This could be the very thing I needed to prove to Hirsh that I could take this company to the next level. Then maybe he’d actually think I was worth his time and show up to my meetings.

I nodded. “Yes. I’ll be ready for him next week.”

She smiled in victory, extending her hand across her desk. “I look forward to your participation.”

I went back to the office. Back to the stack of merchandise orders I needed to approve, location sites I had to scout, and the never-ending messages from actors wanting something from me. But concentrating on work proved to be difficult, considering my brain only wanted to recount the events of the night before.

What did it mean that Grace had been masturbating to my video?

I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. For one, it was fucking hot. Knowing that she wanted me and when unable to have the real thing had gotten creative. But it also made me sad, because the fact was, online there were videos of me having sex with almost forty women. Not at the same time, mind you. But I’d filmed thirty-seven POV scenes before Hirsh had promoted me to creative director of the company.

Which was exactly why I knew I was never going to get a nice girl. Nice girls like Everly dated men like Max because he was a businessman. At the end of the day it wasn’t his face on camera. It wasn’t his dick inside way too many women.

Good thing I didn’t have a mother that was expecting me to bring home a nice girl.

I had wanted to cut my own balls off last night, the blue was so unbearable. I had no idea how I’d done it, but I’d managed to refrain from getting an erection even though the feel of her finger on my neck had had my blood pumping. The scent of her sex, still lingering in the air, had my heart hammering inside my chest. I would have given all four limbs just to throw her on the floor and fuck her until we both couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move.

But I didn’t.

Because deep down I knew that her every word and action was calculated to perfection. Grace knew exactly how to bring men to their knees.

Fuck that action.

I didn’t have time for another woman who lied.

My mother, she might have stayed behind, but she was always more interested in her next boyfriend. The day that Ellie Levin showed up at my house and found me eating chips for dinner in front of the television by myself was really the first day of my life.

The Levins had saved me, had taken me in when I’d needed a family. And I owed them everything.

Which was why I’d promised myself I’d keep it in my pants until I could figure out how to do this vice president thing. I didn’t need any distractions. And Grace was an especially potent one. And now I had to spend time with her alone, making fucking swag bags?

I threw my pen on the desk and fisted my hair, pulling it, relishing the small tinge of pain on my scalp.

“Rough day?”

I lowered my head, still holding on to my hair, and found Hirsh in the doorway. “Just…thinking about some things.”

He walked into my office without pause. Not that he needed an invitation. This was his company. He stood in front of the metal chair opposite me, releasing the button on his suit jacket before sitting.

His salt and pepper hair had more salt than pepper now that Max was gone. His eyes were sunken, black circles lined the lower lids and he had a yellowish color to his skin.

I knew I wasn’t measuring up. I knew I could never fill Max’s shoes. But I never expected Hirsh to actually age because of my mediocrity.

“How are things going?” he asked, tapping his hand on the arm of the chair.

“Great,” I lied. “Just going over the merchandise orders. Lacey’s mold gets launched in a couple of weeks so I’m just double-checking that we have enough units going out to all of the stores.”

Max had had a little trouble trying to get Lacey’s mold off the ground. A little trouble as in it had to be remolded because she’d been adamant that it was someone else’s vagina.

“Good, good. I know you’ll take care of everything.” He wiped his palms on his dress pants, obviously feeling the awkwardness between us just as I was.

I had no idea why things were awkward. And considering Hirsh was the one who’d taught me about masturbation when I was twelve, there was definitely something off.

“I heard we have a new intern.” His words were an octave higher than usual, like he was surprised he’d thought of something to talk about. “From an accredited film program, no less. How did you swing that one?”

Damn Barbara! I hadn’t even confirmed it yet and she was already blabbing.

“I didn’t. He arranged it all himself.” He’d weaseled his way in, and I hadn’t been able to say no.

This experience was either going to end with me being a huge joke or prove that I was more than simply the boy with too much imagination to sit still.

“I just met with his professor and she’s gotten approval from the dean. Cory starts next week.”

“I like that you’re taking an interest even though I know you’re swamped.”

I might be able to fake it here, in front of Hirsh, but a classroom full of students was a totally different animal. And I needed help in the worst way. I had zero skills in public speaking. I had zero fashion sense, and a pathetic wardrobe that looked more like a near-homeless burger-flipper than a vice president.

For all intents and purposes, I was more like the student than the mentor.

The only option was to jump right in, and hopefully I’d come out the other side in one piece.