RETRACE (28 page)

Next to the door leading to my apartment is when I become hollow, preparing myself for what’s next to come. I rummage through my bag for my key. Voices in my head whisper of fear, of loss, of Patrick, of Reeves.

I narrow my eyes to lead the way through my dim living room and stagger back. I’m paralyzed by the vision in front of me. I’m glued to the floor and I’m afraid to blink, to blink him away. He sits on the sofa, in a halo of weak evening light. He raises his face that’s buried in his hands to look my way. Through the murky space I notice that his eyes are gleaming with pain and my heart collapses down into my stomach, pulling at every emotion in me. I suppress the tears in my throat as I gape at him.

He stands up and as though I’m about to disappear into thin air, he quickly strides toward me with fast, determined steps. My heart is drumming so wildly it sends my blood viciously rushing through my veins. As soon as Reeves reaches me, his eyes melt into mine. In hurried, anxious motions he threads his fingers through my hair and gazes at me as if I am the only thing that can save him. His lips crash to mine, and I’m torn deep inside as I feel the moisture on his bristled cheek. His kiss leaves me breathless. It contains so much gloom, desperation, and… hope.

“I love you,” he says to my mouth, pulling me deeper into his hold.

“I love you,” I quietly say back, saturated with emotions I can hardly contain.

“Are you okay, are you hurt?” I run my eyes over him, searching, not even sure what I’m looking for. “Jake and Hunter, they said you might…”

Reeves breaks my words. “I didn’t, I couldn’t.” He kisses me once more. “I couldn’t lose you.”

“God, ouch!” I cry and bite my lips, breathing through the sharp pain.

“Ssshhh…” Reeves attempts to sooth me. “You're kind of loud, babe.” He cranes his neck to look at me. “I warned you it’s going to be uncomfortable, try to relax.”

“Uncomfortable? It. Freaking. Hurts!”

“Loosen up, babe.”

“Stop babe-ing me! I told you, it hurts! And stop smirking!” I chide. “It’s not fair you’re the only one enjoying it.” I take a deep breath, trying to calm down. “Ouch, ouch!”

“We can’t stop now,” he says, a hint of plea in his eyes. “Why did you ask for it in the first place, really? It was your idea.” A bud of a smile roots on his lips. “So try to relax your muscles and enjoy the ride!”

“For us… For our happy,” I say and send him a thin smile, the only one I can produce under the continuous piercing pain.

“You rock!” He winks at me, his full blown smile, almost blinds me.

I gaze at this heart quickening smile and go back to a similar smile that initiated this “lovely” discomfort.

It’s one of our lazy weekends. I don’t think we’ve got out of bed for two days. Only in cases of emergency, of course. Opening the door for the fast-food delivery guy or attending nature callings. Oh, and there was a shower or two somewhere in the middle. But that was kind of it, the rest of the time it was Reeves’ comfy bed, and us…

I’m leisurely lying with my head resting on Reeves’ abs, reading a book, enjoying tranquillity in its calmest form. I squeal when without any prior warning I find myself flipped over to be straddled atop heavenly filled boxer-briefs.

“A date!”

“What?” I frown at Reeves who looks as excited as I’d be if they ever invent calorie free ice cream.

“How about today?”

The creases on my forehead multiply.

“I found the date.”

“Huh?”

“You said you wanted a date that would make you smile each time you thought of it. So how about today?” Reeves grins at me, a full blown Reeves smile. Heavy duty material. My lips pull up at the side, said grin comes highly contagious, what’s a girl to do?

“It’s great… Today is great. Can you start making sense, though? I can’t deal with crazy… I’ve only had one cup of coffee.”

He props his arms on the bed and leans forward to kiss me again, utterly elated. “The date in which I told you I’ll be asking you to spend the rest of your life with me in the far future. Our happy date.”

A layer of traitorous happy tears cover my eyes.

“I love this date,” I say in bliss, peppering his face with endless, tiny kisses.

“We’re done.” The pierced guy that’s been hunched above me for the last half hour says. I thank him and carefully observe the dark roman numbers now decorating the inside of my wrist.

“I love it!” I beam and turn my head to the person sitting on the chair beside me, the person who just got the same date inked to his skin, my boyfriend, my, according to the date imprinted on me, future fiancé. He smiles back, there’s an air to his eyes that wordlessly tell me just how much he loves me.

As we leave the tattoo studio, Reeves tugs me to a nearby wall. Facing me, the points of our shoes touching, he narrows his eyes at me. With a smile I can’t seem to wipe off lately, I counter his pointed stare. He slowly shakes his head.

“I can’t believe I’ve let you mark your skin.”

I roll my eyes.

“But, damn, if it’s not the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. A linkage to me, permanently.” He takes my bandaged wrist in his hand and brings it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the white cotton. “You’re doomed…” He chuckles. “You’re stuck with me forever.”

“Same goes to you, love.” I blink at him, teasingly.

He dots small kisses over my lips and jaw. “Let’s go home, I want you in bed wearing nothing but our date.”

In one of our last sessions, before I decided to, well, take a break from… everything, Dr. Barnes asked me to read the definition of the word “closure” out loud.

“A situation or occurrence in which something closes forever,” I read as requested.

“Right,” said the shrink I’ve known for a few years now, one who I saw on a on and off basis. “Off” outweighing the “on” tenfold. The first time I stepped into his small, somewhat dull, cream walled office, was after the Erie Group case was closed. After Hunter twisted my arm, threatening he’ll stick me in an office with mountains of mundane secretarial work if I don’t start therapy. Gotta love the man and his delicate ways. None of us, at the time, not me, not the head doctor, nor Hunter, thought I’d retire less than a month later, both from therapy and the Bureau.

Dr. Barnes coughed. “In which something closes forever,” he repeated after me. “Would it have closed it forever, Reeves? Do you still believe it would have? Do you have any regrets about not doing what you really wanted to?”

I stared ahead through the peeling frame of the wide window at the grey late-autumn sky. “No,” I said with grit. The doctor nodded. “I think that how it eventually played out was the more realistic closure I needed.”

Exactly four and a half months after I’ve retraced my steps back from the premises of the old factory where A.Z.’s new cell was operating, and left for Hunter’s people to do what they do best, I finally had my closure. A closure in which justice was made. A closure where A.Z. was read his rights and will decay in prison. A closure where I am a free man, literally and figuratively, able to start a life with a cleaner conscious and my girl.

Nia’s voice pulls me back to the present. “There’s nothing I’d want more, and anyway we’ve been practically living together already.”

My eyes trail from her mouth to her joyfully shining eyes. My lips slowly pull up at the notion of how easily she’d agreed to move in with me when we get back home.

“You know I don’t do sleeping without you anyway.”

I lean in to press my mouth to hers. When she parts her lips for me and her tongue enthusiastically takes over control, my hands urge to touch her, all over. Soft, delicate neck skin, swell of the most amazing set of tits, ass, her round, perky ass. Her hands move to my neck and I shift my weight to lay her back onto the mattress. I settle between her legs, sliding my hand under her loose shirt.

“Reeves,” she utters breathily, “we can’t.” She pulls back. I groan, leaning deeper into her. “Reeves,” Nia scolds through a moan. She jolts back, flushed and bothered and supremely beautiful. She shakes her head. “They are still up.”

Reluctantly, I flip to the side and slump my head onto the pillow next to her. Nia watches me with a hint of a smile. My face radiates playful annoyance as I point with my hand toward the tent at the crotch of my sweats. Nia’s eyes follow the gesture, and she lets out a light giggle.

“Shower to your left, for cold water turn the handle on the right,” she says and my lips break into a smile as I grab her by the waist and settle her atop where she wants me to pour cold water.

“Reeves,” she says my name through a laugh. “C’mon, my parents are right below us.”

“Okay, okay, one last kiss, c’mere you,” I rasp.

“Now.” Nia pats my chest. “I’m going down to join my parents. As much as I hate to see great things go to waste, you get the situation in your boxers down and join us.” She winks and closes the door behind her. I beam at the shut door, and sink my head back onto the pillow. I crane my neck to survey the room, again. Soft buttery tones, many dancing keepsakes and touches of a younger Nia.

We’ve been visiting Nia’s parents for a week now. Nia finally reconciled with them. A long talk, tears and hugs concluded months of pain, anger and detachment. A week in which I got to peek into Nia’s past, and had the pleasure of getting to know her parents.

We’ll celebrate Christmas together in a couple of days and then I’ll be leaving for a week by myself. I’m leaving for the trip, a short version though, I was planning to have over three years ago, after we were supposed to take a break. Me to travel or disappear somewhere in nature and Ben to be with his future fiancé. Finally, I’m taking that break. I’ll be trekking in the Panatal region here in Brazil, the world’s largest tropical, most amazing, wetland area. It’s not the best time of year to do so, if you are not so much into massive rainfalls and mosquitoes. I think I’ll survive some water and a few winged insects, I did, after all, survive worse. Nia will meet me right after in Rio for our last week before we head back home.

There’s so much to deal with upon return. Decisions to make, therapy to continue, officially start a new together with my girl. Maybe I’ll take Jake up on his offer when I get home, to manage the bar while he tries to give Carmie what she always wanted. For the first time in their rocky and intense relationship, Jake will be the one going after Carmie, putting her, her career and goals, first.

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t considered it more than once since he offered. Managing the bar could be the perfect solution for me, for the time being. I think it’s time I had some stability, some normality, some happy, and a whole lot of Nia.

“I did it.” I say in a low voice, brushing away dry leaves that have congregated on the dusty stone. I bend my knees, sitting on the cold ground, yanking out a bundle of long weeds that’s littering the short grass. “I trekked in Brazil and it was surreal.” I swallow a breath. “And I met Nia’s parents. They’re good people.” Another deep breath. “God, bro, I can’t do this…It’s so hard.” I bury my face in my palms.

“I’m so sorry, Ben.” I bite my quivering lips. “I’m so sorry I didn’t stop them. I’m so sorry I betrayed every promise we ever made to always have one another’s backs.” I try to stifle the lump rapidly swelling in my throat. I brush the moisture from under my eyes and hold my palms together, resting them on my lips. I gaze at Ben’s name engraved in granite letters. “I know you wouldn’t have it any other way. This is what we were expected to… But still… I feel like I’ve let everyone down by not being able to save you.”

I think about how from the first day we enlisted together to being honorably discharged from the army, to being recruited later to the FBI, we were of the same mind, Ben and I. With great honor and determination doing the very best we were trained to do. We always knew our lives would be in danger, and it’s been, so many times we’ve lost track. But I never imagined I’d ever have to sit still and watch him go. I never thought I’d have to lie to his family about how he left them. They were told it was a training accident, and I had to back it up, no matter how much I hated doing so. I never thought I’d be the one telling Casey that Ben was going to ask her to marry him.

I take a deep breath and everything just streams out of me. I tell Ben about Katie, about his parents, about my work with Jake, about A.Z.’s arrest. About my life without him.

I sit still for a while, summoning my composure, rerunning my last session with Dr. Barnes in my head, where he told me I should have one final closure, with Ben. Accept the fact that he is gone, and that it was not my fault.

“I’m happy now,” I say in a hoarse, yet quiet voice. “Nia makes me happy. She’s everything.
She
made me accept the fact that I’m allowed to be happy again. She’s my saving grace.” I’m still staggered and overwhelmed about my feelings for Nia.

I never felt this way about anyone. I never had the time nor the inclination to open up to anyone. Not with my past and not with the life I led. At one point, long ago, I thought I had feelings for Katie, but quickly realized it was a different kind of sentiment. A sentiment I wasn’t familiar with either, of belonging, of unconditionally caring, of a bond relatives share. A small bitter-sweet smile nestles on my lips. “You’d like her.” I take in a deep breath and let it slowly whistle out.

“I’m taking the job at the bar, I’ll be managing it during Jake’s indefinite absence. I think I’m done with our old lifestyles, I’m ready to try something new. Something more stable. I’m ready to begin the next part of my life… with Nia.” I slowly rise to stand. With my breath held in for a strained beat, I run my fingers over the cold stone.

“I miss you, bro,” I whisper, and walk toward where Nia is waiting for me with a soft smile.