Authors: DeLaine Roberts
“Yes, her father, Alexander Morrison, when he was a young man.” Cooper was beginning to put two and two together; they think I am having a stroke. Oh, no.
“Nurse Middleton, alert the surgery team on call. Here’s the order for STAT medications and let Radiology know we are on our way. If Dr. Brooks calls, ask him to meet us in CAT scan...if she’s suffering a stroke, we have to move fast. Somebody please get me the number for next of kin from this young man.”
I could see lights flashing above me and once again, I was on a moving bed, but I couldn’t get my words out. There were so many people buzzing around me in the distance, and lots of machines making noise. Suddenly, I can hear Grayson.
Leaning his face in so that I could see him, “I’m here Alexandra, I’m right here. I just went to my office to get some music for you.” Turning away to speak to someone in the room, “will you please put this on the playlist titled Red? It’s her favorites and let’s get some quiet in here. Dim the lights please.”
“Alexandra, you can do this sweetheart. I’m here, not leaving, not going anywhere.” He was worried. His eyes showed me fear. He couldn’t hide it in his facial expression.
I dozed off and when I awoke, I was in my room again and it was really calm and quiet, with just music playing. I could see Cooper in chair in the corner looking like he was praying and there was Grayson, sitting in a chair by my feet, propped on the edge of the bed reading on his iPad. It was morning; just not sure of how many days had passed.
Trying to find my words and scared beyond belief that I might not be able to talk, I spoke in a whisper “Good morning Grayson.” Oh, thank you Lord, my words were not stuttered or slurred, I spoke normal. Grayson jumped to his feet and leaned down to check me over like I was his patient. Then he leaned in and gave me a sweet kiss on the corner of my lips, before he sat on the edge of the bed where I could see him.
“Hey you!” Taking my hand to his lips for a gentle kiss. "You gave us quite a scare last night. We thought we were losing you for sure.”
“Grayson, what happened? Did I, did I have a stroke?” I couldn’t find my voice, but tears flooded my eyes, fear, and emotion coming over me.
For what seemed like hours, Grayson couldn’t answer me, probably for fear that I would freak out and make matters worse.
“Shh, angel, please stay calm. Yes, you did have a slight stroke, but they were able to give you meds to dissolve it quickly. We won’t know if there were any side effects until you are able to move about, but your speech sounds excellent. A 100% improved over last night.” I could tell he was fighting back tears. He kept blinking his eyes and finally wiped at the corner when he turned away. I don’t want his pity tears; I don’t want any part of his pity party.
“Please leave. Please leave me alone Grayson, I need some time to myself,” trying to muffle my sobs. I looked away so he couldn’t see.
“Alexandra, I am not leaving. I don’t want to argue with you this morning, but let’s get something straight,” as if he was reading my mind. “I don’t pity you; this is not
"feel bad for Alexandra day"
! I am not walking out. I am not the one running away. So, get over yourself.” His tone was sharp, but his hands were soft and tender on my skin.
He was doing squeeze tests on my hands and checking my range of motion with my arms, all good with my left arm, just not my right.
“There is something else you should know, Alexandra. Your dad and Gretchen will be here shortly. We had to call them because of next-of-kin rules. I spoke with your dad last night on the phone. I just want you to know, so that we can work through this calmly and keep your pressure down.” His voice seemed shaky, like he was scared to tell me about my dad and step-mom, uncertain of how I would react.
Trying to muster some confidence, “Cooper, please go home and get some rest. I need you to be ready to take on my parents. Can you make hotel arrangements for them?” I didn’t want them staying at the hospital or in our apartment.
“Al, stop fussing with it. I have it under control. They brought the corporate jet and got here a few hours ago. We have them all lined out. You will see them in a little bit. They have already been here to see you, but you were asleep and your dad didn’t want us to disturb you. We have been in contact with him every 30-45 minutes or so all night,” Cooper said very sweetly, trying to reassure me that everything is under control.
“Dr. Kirk is coming shortly and we will get you up and test out your legs. Alexandra, just remember that these things take time. So be patient and don’t push your body beyond what you have already been through,” Grayson’s voice soft and gentle, almost a whisper. His eyes were peering deep into mine, like he was grabbing at part of my soul.
“Grayson, I thought I was clear about what I said, I want you to leave. I don’t find a reason for you to be here. Please leave.” I hide my face in my hands. I don’t want him to see the pain I feel written in my expressions. When I look back up, he gives me a bewildered look, as if I had kicked the breath from him, his face so puzzled at my words. I know he wants to be here to take care of me, but that is just the point. I don’t want anyone feeling like they need to take care of me. He leaned in and placed a sweet, soft kiss on my cheek. He took a moment to rub my hand and left without saying another word. But when he turned to look at me, his eyes were red and misty; his face was full of sadness. I instantly knew I had hurt him.
“Alex, I know exactly what you are doing. You are scared that your legs aren’t going to work, you don’t want him to see
it, and you don’t want his guilt. It’s so obvious that he is crazy about you. He hasn’t left this hospital since you fell. If you have feelings for him, and I am convinced that you do, you have to let him enter the inner circle of your heart where no man has gone. What the hell do you think you’re doing sending him away?”
“Coop, I am angry that he is keeping deep secrets from me. Why didn’t he trust me to be honest from the beginning? This has affected my career and caused me to hurt myself. Furthermore, I believe, whether you do or not, that he is, reacting out of guilt! This is my life and I will live it as I see fit!”
I was just staring out the window, remembering my days at Northwestern, life seemed much simpler then. Between studying and working at the coffee house. How I longed to go back to Chicago, wishing I had never met Grayson Brooks!
Dr. Kirk and his team came in to do a full evaluation of the damage from the stroke. “Alexandra, your stroke was mild, compared to what it could have been and we were able to treat it with medicine to dissolve it. You have slight weakness in your right arm and moderate weakness in your right leg and
foot, which should be temporary. Once the clot from the stroke is completely dissolved and the extra swelling relieved, you will be back to normal. I know this is not the news that you wanted to hear, but it is temporary, I promise.”
My body couldn’t hold back and finally gave way to my tears; I was shuddering from my head to my toes...weakness, am that the new chic name for
someone who won’t be able to walk, and needs a wheelchair?
Cooper was leaning over the bed holding me as I cried into his shoulder hysterically. He began to cry too, unable to hold back the fear we both held in.
“Alexandra, again I must point out that this is much milder than it could’ve been, and I truly believe it will be temporary. But how far you go out from this will be dependent on you and how far you reach in physical therapy. Unfortunately, we have to wait a few more days to start you in therapy, but I suspect that you will be dancing before the holidays. I will give you a moment to gather your thoughts and answer any questions.” Dr. Kirk was writing orders in my chart and when he and his team moved to leave the room.
Daddy...
“Oh dad, I am so glad you’re here. I don’t know how to make these decisions and I need help.” I reached out welcoming daddy’s embrace. It felt good to be held in his arms. I missed this. I am certain dad wasn’t expecting that greeting from me, since making decisions is something I have been doing for myself since mom passed away. But I knew that Coop would help keep dad reeled in, although he couldn’t be my constant caregiver. He had a life of his own, just starting over, and to think, he came here for me.
Dad was holding me so close and rubbing my back, “Alexandra, I am here for whatever you need and will line up the best team for you. Gretchen and I want to do whatever you wish, if that means getting a place to be here close to you or hiring you a team if you prefer. Whatever you decide to do, we will do it. Your recovery requires you to be in the driver’s seat, okay with you?”
It was difficult to see my dad as the caretaker. I was not used to that, since he hired private nurses to take care of my mom at home. He was not the nurturing type. By nature, he has always been the business mogul, not the touchy, feely type. But holding me here, his touch is tender and his concern is forthcoming. To keep from pushing him away, I consider his feelings and want him to help. “I think I will stay here in Dallas and do my physical therapy here. If you can assist in getting me a private nurse to stay and help me, so that Cooper is not tied down, Dad?”
“Alex, I can,” Cooper was about to unselfishly offer to be my caregiver.
“No, Coop, you can’t and I won’t let you. Don’t argue or I will go back to Chicago with my parents.”
I spent the next few days in the hospital taking meds, having more tests and getting used to needing assistance to move about. This was not a lifestyle I wanted, so I knew that I had to work on getting my life back to normal. Dad and Gretchen stayed for a couple of days, busying themselves to make our apartment wheelchair friendly, hiring a nursing team and arranging for wheelchair accessible transportation.
Dad and I have never been close, so to see this, tender, caring side is unlike how I know him to behave, and it makes me very emotional. In fact, my emotions are all over the place. Could it be that I was feeling guilty over how I handled Grayson and part of me was missing him terribly? How could I miss someone who couldn’t let me know who they were or how their family was connected to my employer? Did I get this position because of the Brooks “boys”? I needed answers and thinking about everything was just too painful, it was tormenting.
As the next few days passed at the hospital, my room filled up with flowers, most of them missing the card, and I assumed they were from Grayson. He had been honoring my wishes to stay away, but a couple of times I saw Zoe and Millie outside my door when the staff would come and go, so I presumed they were getting progress updates and relaying them back to Grayson.
The week following my accident, I was released to go home and start therapy. So we welcomed the invasion, if you will, of the private nurse. Cooper gave up his room for her, making friends with the couch. He said he knew my stubborn streak would ensure his
couch-surfing would be short lived
. I think this was just another one of his
move your ass
encouragement talks.
I tried to work as much as I could through the phone and the computer. PMC, really more Drew than anyone, had been so supportive and decided to assign me a local educational trainer, Jennifer Riley. Jennifer would assist customers with training needs, as I continued to facilitate logistics to keep the business going. She kept me posted on the beta trial going with Grayson. Even if he wasn’t happy with our equipment, he wouldn’t cease using it because he felt some level of responsibility towards me. Of course, the purchase would be dependent on the funds received from the upcoming gala.
The gala that I was so very much looking forward to and now would be missing, how ironic
.
I spent the better part of each day learning tricks to take care of myself in the wheelchair. I was quickly regaining the full use of my arm, but my right leg still felt like a thousand pound weight was pulling it down. Two weeks had passed and no sight of Grayson, although flowers kept appearing from time to time, with no card. Every few days I would get some from either Drew, or PMC corporate office, customers, Cooper or Dad. It got to a point that I felt as though I needed to do some good with them. I appreciated the freshness they brought to my day, but I felt like others might enjoy them as well. So, I asked Marsha, the private nurse, if she could assist me to take some of the flowers to the local geriatric care facility and if she didn’t mind, taking me along as well. So, she loaded me and the flowers up and away we went to make someone else happy for the day. We began to make this a ritual every other day. It was so much fun giving, even more than receiving. Cooper was glad, because he said that we were living in a field of allergens, wrecking his beautiful eyes and giving him a runny nose. Men are such whiners.
Today was the big day, three weeks in this chair and the therapist indicated that I was doing well enough with my steps that we would try walking at the dual bars. I sat there, staring at the bars for a few minutes. Roy, the therapist often reminded me that regardless of the outcome, that the fear of not walking could not own me. Power existed only where I allowed it to.
The moment of truth had come,
A
BIG
moment. I took a couple of big steps, but they were mine and I owned them.
Yes, I was going to walk again, I had every confidence that I would heal completely, with hard work and determination, I wanted my life back.
I busied myself with therapy 4-5 hours a day, and with work the rest of the day, trying to keep as mentally active as I could with the physical therapy. I also had been very busy with the foundation gala that would be generating funds for our equipment as well as other purchases. My only problem was Grayson’s involvement in the gala as well.