Santa Claus (2 page)

Dear Paige,

 

When did you turn into such a little bitch?

 

 

 

Your friend,
SANTA

Dear Santa Clause,

 

I think that I have been very bad this year. Do you want to know some things I did? O.K. I'll tell you anyway. First of all, I have been planning to dominate the world. I've done other bad things also. That is the worst. Now, I will name some things that you will get me (or else). I want a giant machine gun to blow up the world with. I want a big evil Barbie doll. I want my own elf. If I don't get these then I will be extremely mad. So mad that I will blow up the world anyway. So Santa Clause, the world is doomed no matter what.

 

Hugs and Kisses,
Rianna

Dear Rianna,

 

I think it's time to see your doctor about taking you off of the Ritalin.

 

 

 

Calmly yours,
DR. SANTA

Dear Father Christmas,

 

Do you know some kid who might possibly fancy a little sister? My sister is always getting into my stuff and following me around. She always tosses her peas at me at dinner, and I worry she might throw her fork.

She draws in the books you gave me and got my fish water dirty TWICE!

I know I'm supposed to write you a list-you told me this at Harrod's, remember? So all that's on my list is: #1-GIVE away my sister!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
Giles

 

P.S.-I know my parents will be upset but I'll give them my fish to watch.

Dear Giles,

 

This is a common request of little boys. What you don't yet understand is that boys are given sisters for a very important biological reason, and that is to prepare them for the future torture of having wives. Women are maddening creatures and the only way that nature can make us ready for such a trial is to train us from childhood to cope with their aggravating behavior. Girls are saddled with brothers for a similar reason. Just be grateful you're not an only child. Marriage is often such a shock to them that they seldom survive it.

 

Your fellow bloke,

 

FATHER CHRISTMAS

(P.S. Whatever you do, DON'T let this letter fall into the hands of Mrs. Claus.)

Dear Santa,

 

Santa why you ain't get me
my little laptop. That is so kind
of sinning.

 

Mikey

Dear Mikey,

 

Why you ain't writing in a language I can understand? Master English and you'll not only get a laptop, but you'll also avoid a lifetime association with the penal system.

 

Your homey,

 

FAT SANTA

Dear Santa,

For Christmas you gave me everything I wanted. I'm not sure if you gave my cat enough, but I think he can manage. I wanted to thank you for eleven whole years of fabulous gifts, and making a lot of children happy. I wish you would have eaten the cookies my mom set out for you. Your reindeer had no problems leaving my family a pleasant little present. Could you get down the chimney easily, we left a fire burning. There isn't much room left so I should get started with my gift demands. Next year I want A NEW CELL PHONE! A GIFT CERTIFICATE TO TIFFANY'S! EVERY NEW BARBIE ITEM PRODUCED DURING THE PAST TWO YEARS! A PLAYSTATION, AN X-BOX AND A Wii! A NEW OUTFIT FOR EVERY WEEK OF THE YEAR! AND A PUREBRED CORGI NAMED GISELLE! (if that's not to much trouble!!) By the way, next year, please bring my parents more things.

Thank you Santa!
Tara

Dear Tara,

 

The signs were all there, but clearly you've missed them. The cookies weren't eaten, and the burning fire wasn't a problem for the simple reason that I've never stopped at your house—not even once. I don't even want to think where the “present” in your yard that you attribute to my reindeer came from.

I've never visited your house because your parents buy you everything you've ever even glanced at, all in a pathetic attempt to purchase your affections—little good that it's done them as I've watched you grow into an increasingly nasty, greedy little brat. If you had even a hint of a conscience, you'd realize that your parents receive little at Christmas for the simple reason that they have no money left after spending it all on you (and your cat). Frankly, it serves them right.

But don't worry, they'll continue to lavish money and gifts on you for everything from prom, to your sweet sixteen party, to your $500,000 wedding that they'll mortgage their house for. When your father has a heart attack, he'll even understand that your nail appointment took precedence over visiting him in the hospital—even though you'll miss your last opportunity to see him alive. There will be nothing left for you to inherit, but that's okay because you'll be married to a sucker who will work his ass off in a fruitless attempt to try and satisfy you. Through it all you will continue to feel deprived. By then you'll have even stopped noticing that I've never paid you a visit.

 

 

 

Coal is too good for you,

SANTA

Dear Santa,

 

I hope you remember me from when I came to sit on your lap at the mall, but it's me Sarah!!!

I've been sooooooooo good this year you wouldn't believe it. I brush my teeth everyday and I listen to my mom and dad all of the time. I really hope you noticed. Say hi to Rudolph for me, I like him the best. Anyway, this year for Christmas, I really really really want a new Barbie doll and a make-up kit so I can play dress up with all my friends. I really hope you get this letter Santa because I sure could use all of these things. Thanks again.

Love,
Sarah (with an H)

 

ps. I wont forget to leave your favorite chocolate chip cookies and a tall glass of milk, plus I got carrots for all the reindeer.

Dear Sarah with an H,

 

I'm afraid I can't say “hi” to Rudolph for you. Rudolph doesn't exist. He was an invention of the Montgomery Ward company back in 1939, and I've never seen a dime of the revenues generated by that red-nosed cash cow. Of course, that hasn't stopped every kid on the planet from writing me to ask about him.

As for your request for a Barbie doll and make-up kit, I hate to break it to you, but neither you, nor 97% of your friends are ever going to develop a body similar to that of a Barbie doll. And trying to achieve that look with make-up will just leave you looking like a hooker. Instead, I'm going to bring you a Raggedy Ann doll which better represents your future body type. And don't be glum. Raggedy Ann at least ended up with a loving partner in Raggedy Andy. Barbie just ended up with that dickless fag Ken.

 

 

 

Thinking of you!

SANTA

Dear Santa Clause,

How are you? How are all your reindeer? I'm doing great because I've been so good this year. I share all my toys with my little sister and I wash behind my ears. I've even started helping grandma bake cookies especially for you! Since I've been so good this year I thought you might like to have my Christmas list. For Christmas this year I would like:

 

That is all for this year, hope to see you soon. Lane