Santa Claus (9 page)

Love,
Judith samantha
(P.s. I was good this year!)

Dear Judith,

 

You've asked an interesting question. How many elves do I have in my workshop? It may surprise you to know that the answer to that question is: just one. Hard to believe, I know. In fact, at one time I had well in excess of 116,000 elves. But as the centuries progressed, they got it into their heads that they were the all-important cog in the whole North Pole operation, and they began to make increasingly outrageous demands. Eleven months off instead of nine, eggnog breaks every hour as opposed to every four hours, that sort of thing.

Initially I conceded to their demands, feeling that my whole venture could collapse without them. In reality, the more I gave into them, the shoddier their work became. If you think the toys your parents describe having got when they were kids sound crappy, this is the main reason why. The elves became drunk with power (not to mention the eggnog) and felt that they could behave any way they wanted, because they now perceived themselves as having the upper hand. And for a while I assumed they did. Then I discovered China, and I promptly fired those lazy-ass elves—all several hundred thousand of them. I believe most of them are working as garden gnomes, which I'm sure you've noticed have exploded in popularity over the past decade. Now you know why.

As I mentioned, I did keep one elf for publicity and photo purposes. I affectionately call him Scab—but I doubt anyone will be writing any songs about him.

 

 

 

Outsourcingly yours,

SANTA

Dear Father Christmas,

I have been very good all year. What is it that you would like for Christmas?

Your chum,
Nigel, 10 years old

Dear Nigel,

 

Why, thank you!

In all the millions of letters I've received over the centuries requesting this and demanding that, no one has ever once asked me what I would like—until now. What I would like is a pair of knickers that don't crawl up my arse when I'm dropping down a chimney. I don't want to have to see that creepy Mr. Bean ever again. I want stupid people to stop voting. I'd like a retirement age that comes sooner than my 750th birthday. I'd like Coca Cola to stop using my image in adverts since I only drink Diet Pepsi. And I'd like half a quid for every copy of
The Night Before Christmas
that is sold.

And since you were kind enough to ask, I'm going to be bringing you everything you want this Christmas—despite your lie about being good all year.

 

Manners do matter,

 

FATHER CHRISTMAS

Dear Satan,

Could you take back my little sister? I know I asked for one last year, and though she arrived after Christmas, I still think you brought her for me. She stinks up my room and drools on everything. Oliver down the street has a dog that does the same thing, so I wondered if you could take Julia back and get me a dog? (I already asked my parents if this was okay and they didn't say anything, so that means YES.)

Thanks!
Your pal,
Toby

Dear Toby,

 

Apparently this letter that you intended for Satan, got mailed to me by mistake. While I'm not completely familiar with how his operation works, I do believe one of his specialties is taking people away—or at least their souls. So while I can't guarantee your request will be successful, the chances are far better than they are asking me.

 

Good luck!

 

 

SANTA

(And no, I don't have Satan's address. Try writing to Dick Cheney, his representative here on Earth.)

Dear Mr. Santa Claus,

We don't celebrate Christmas—we have Hanukah because we are Jewish people. But my teacher said we all have to write to you and my mom didn't answer the phone when the princiPAL (he makes us write it that way) called her, so now I have to do what the teacher says.

I don't know you. I see you at all the malls and sometimes I see a menorah nearby. I get presents for 7 days which would be better for you so you don't have to do it all at one night. But I don't know if the reindeer would last.

Wouldn't you like more time to get around? You'd have cookies for a week instead of all on one night. You could share them with other people as you travel round.

Teacher says I have to ask for something. I asked to stop having to be writing but she got mad.

May I please get a new model for my spaceship collection? (I said “please”.) I hang my spaceships from my room and they glow in the dark at night.

Elliot says I wrote more than the guy at the mall can read, so I guess I'll be stopping now.

 

Thank you.
Evan Michael 8

P.S.—If my mom writes to you all mad, you can tell her its Mrs. Henley's fault

Dear Evan,

 

I'm sorry you're stuck in such a crackpot school (next time you write the word principal try spelling it my way—princiPUTZ) and I'm sorry that they made you abase your own religion by writing to me. I know it can't be easy dealing with all the glitz and glamour of Christmas, while pretending you're having just as good of a time with a holiday that isn't even remotely as much fun. But I admire the Jews in how they manage to profit so nicely from the hysteria of the
goyim
at this time of year.

You're obviously an intelligent kid, and have a clear eye for the reality around you. This will pay off for you big time when you grow up and start manufacturing loads of crappy Christmas product for your gentile neighbors to waste even more of their money on.

 

 

 

L'chaim!

SANTA

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike for Christmas. I don't want a train set, a remote control car, or a puppy. You don't need to bring me any toy guns, video games, or rollerblades. I don't need any books or savings bonds. I need a BIKE! And if you could make it either blue, or red, or black that would be cool. Anything but yellow!!!

Thank you, Santa. You're the best.

Bye,
Robbie McNulty
P.S. Remember, a bike!! That's all!

Dear Robbie,

 

Well, those are a lot of things to remember but don't worry, I have them all logged into our new computerized gift system. It's infallible! So don't worry, this year you'll be getting a train set, a remote control car, a puppy, toy guns, video games, rollerblades, books and savings bonds. Was there anything else? Nope?

 

Enjoy!

 

SANTA

Dear Santa,

Hi, how are you? My best friend Saffron said that we could both write to you and ask for different things that we both want and then we could share. I hope that's okay. (I have to share with my sister all the time and she's always in the bathroom!)

I would like a set of Pony Dolls. Not the little ones with the blue hair, but the ones that look real and can hurt someone if I throw them. I marked a page in the Christmas catalog so you could see what they look like but you and your elves can make then any color (real) that you want.

Now please remember that Saffron is going to ask for these horses too, but you need to get her something else! (She's the one who throws them at her brothers, not me.)

Your dearest friend,
Elyssa

Dear Elyssa,

 

How stupid do you think I am? I know that you're only trying to prevent Saffron from getting Pony Dolls so that you can lord it over her that you have them and she doesn't. I also know that you don't even like the things (except for their ability to inflict pain), and are only making this deceitful attempt for the sole purpose of denying them to Saffron. Well, your nasty little plan isn't going to work. I'll be bringing Saffron every item available in the Pony Dolls line, and the first time you show up after Christmas, her brothers will throw so many horses your way, you'll think you're Catherine the Great. It would pay for you to remember that: