Santa Claus (5 page)

Dear Tomas,

 

You're a douche-bag.

 

 

 

Take it from me,

SANTA

Hello Santa,

As I'm writing this I can't help thinking how dumb the world is. You completely disguised yourself. Living in the coldest place on earth using elves. Tell me, how much do you pay the mafia to keep you quiet? After all, an anagram for Santa is Satan. Hmm. How much would you pay me to be quiet? Just to show you I love you I'll take a European country, preferably Italy. I might as well rule the mafia too.

Sincerely,

(ME) Soon to be ruler of the earth (or at least Italy)

 

P.S. You know who I am.

 

P.P.S. And to all the stupid earth people, think about coal. How do you keep Hells firers running? Coal. So who would have coal? Satan. And who gives out FREE coal (no matter how expensive)? Santa. Think about it.

Obviously,

Faith, 5th grade

 

P.P.P.S. Santa favors bad children since coal can be sold for money. While the good little kids sit around staring at the hot wheels cars the bad kids are buying million dollar estates. Hmmm. I wonder, Satan would favor bad kids. They end up lawyers.

Dear Faith,

 

You're one of those smart people who just doesn't realize how stupid you actually are. You over-think every aspect of life to the point where you come to believe idiotic things like the Mafia killed Kennedy, aliens landed at Roswell, and the Iraq war wasn't about oil or petty revenge. You take moronic coincidences like my name being an anagram for Satan as concrete proof that it's true. The reason I leave coal for bad kids is that there's NOTHING a kid can do with just a single rock of it.

As less intelligent kids go on to be far more happy and successful than you, you'll become increasingly bitter and delusional, blaming everyone but yourself for the crappy place your life has taken you. So hold onto the lump of coal I'll be bringing you this year. If you're not successful at selling it to someone for a million dollars, let it serve as a reminder that the only person responsible for your life sucking is you.

 

 

 

You heard it here first,

SATAN

(oops...I mean Santa)

Dear Santa,

I need a new pair of pants because I ripped them and now I'm in my yellow polka dot bunny butterfly flower smiley face underwear.

From,
April

Dear April,

 

You only own one pair of pants? You have bigger problems than I can help solve.

 

 

 

Thanks for writing!

SANTA

Dec. 24, 2001

Dear Santa,

 

Hi I'm kylie Barker! I was just wondering how do you get the presents? Do you order them? Do you make them? This year for Christmas I would like a Wii,

Laptop, Webkinz, and clothes. Tell the elves, Mrs.

Claus, and the reindeer I said hi! Have a nice BREAK!

Love Always,
Kylie

P.S. How do you get down the chimney?!

Hi Kylie,

 

Honestly, don't you think you should have written to me a little earlier? A letter cobbled together on the afternoon of Christmas Eve is hardly going to get to me on time—especially given the incompetence of the US Postal Service. I once mailed a package in Manhattan that was addressed to my literary agent (look for my autobiography coming soon!) just thirty blocks away. It took TEN DAYS to get there!!

As for how I get the presents, I have them made in China just like everyone else. Their handwork is so tiny I'd almost swear they were using children to do it. And I'm not sure what they put in their paints, but the colors are so vibrant they almost make my head spin. Best of all, I don't have any of the labor union issues I used to have with the elves.

 

 

 

Take THAT, Toymaker's Local Seven!

SANTA

Dear Santa,

 

Hey big guy, I've been waiting all year to write you this letter again. I hope you know that I've been a really good boy this whole entire year, well, except for the one time that I pushed Bryan down the stairs because he punched my best friend in the face. Bryan deserved it, so you can't punish me too bad, I know I was very wrong and I went to detention for three weeks because of it!!!

Anyway, this year for Christmas, I want only a few things. I don't want to be greedy because I know there's a lot of other kids out there that deserve more things than I do, you should give more to them than me because I got a lot of things last year anyway.

 

Starting with the biggest thing I want, it's this Tonka truck that I saw on this commercial once, it was big and yellow, and I could drive all my friends around in it; well, one at a time, but still. All the kids in the commercial looked very happy, and all year I was imagining one of those kids being me. The next thing I want is this really cool army hat I saw when I was shopping with my mom once. It's the coolest hat in the world, and I can't wait to get it!

The last thing I want for Christmas are these really cool power ranger weapons that are amazing. My friend Jory has them, and I play with them all the time, I think he gets mad. I want him to stop getting mad at me, so I really hope you can find them, or make them up at the North Pole…they are so cool. Once you see them, you'll know exactly what I mean!

Well Santa, I know my list is short, but that's all that I want this year. I hope you'll be able to bring me everything I asked for.

Thank you,
Mark

Dear Mark,

 

Don't you think you're a little old to still be writing to me? I mean, you're eighteen for Chrissake! And that wasn't a Tonka truck you saw in that commercial recently. It was a Humvee, and the happy guys you saw riding in it were doing an ad for the Army. That's where the cool hat comes in, too. And you'll be getting both of them even sooner than Christmas, minus the body armor of course. The National Guard program you joined to get out of sixth period study hall is rolling out to Iraq next month. Of course, you won't be armed with the Power Ranger weapons they promised you when you signed up. I actually have them up at the North Pole ready to go. Unfortunately, my bid to produce them for the Army was rejected, despite coming in lower than anyone else's. The winning bidder, Haliburton, should have them ready for you in about ten years—assuming you last that long.

 

 

 

Good luck!

SANTA

DEAR SANTA,

I HOPE YOU LIKE MY COOKIES AND MILK CAN YOU NAME ALL YOUR REINDEER TELL MRS. CLAUS HEY HOW ARE YOUR ELVES DO YOU DECORATE OR DO YOU PUT UP TREE

 

BYE SANTA
MALI MCKEE

P.S. SAY WHATSUP TO YOUR REINDEER

Dear Mali,

 

Punctuation is an amazing thing. Take the following sentence:

No presents will be coming this year for Mali McKee.

The insertion of just one single comma can turn this from being your worst Christmas ever to one of your best. What? You never paid any attention in school when they were teaching you about commas? Or spelling? Or basic punctuation? Well isn't that a shame?

 

 

 

Better luck next year!

SANTA

Dear Santa,
hello I am 9 and I would like 3 things
#1. A book set, #2.new arts and crafts, and #3
a couple webkinz.
How does your sled work? Did you know that
Christmas is my favorite holiday!
Love,
Liv 9

Dear Liv,

 

I'll be curious to hear if Christmas is still your favorite holiday after this year. As requested, I'll be bringing you the following: