Santa Claus (7 page)

Dear Ashton,

 

How come you so rude? Seriously, haven't your parents taught you any manners? Or grammar?

If you really must know, I'm fat because I love bread, potatoes, pasta and booze. Those four things have been torture when it comes to maintaining a svelte figure. Now, some people may say I'm an incredible hypocrite the way I chastise others for letting themselves grow fat while doing nothing to maintain my own weight. It's a fair critique, but it's really a matter of apples and oranges (neither of which I like eating). You see, I'm immortal. I can eat all the unhealthy shit I want and it's not going to kill me. The same can't be said for any of the fat kids who write to me. So this really is a case of “do as I say, not as I do.” I'm only thinking of them as I berate and ridicule them, all the while knocking back a bottle of Dewar's.

 

 

 

Life ain't fair,

SANTA

Dear Santa,

Why does the Easter Bunny give us candy but we have to leave you cookies? That doesn't seem fair and mom says we have to be fair. Dad too.

Annabel, AGE 5

Dear Annabel,

 

If there's any lesson I can impart to you it would be that life isn't fair. While I applaud your parents' efforts to instill a sense of fairness in you, it really is a lost cause. As you get older, you'll find that the brown-nosers in your class get good grades with little effort while your perfect papers are only good enough for B's. In college, your whore-ish roommate will marry a millionaire while you date a pizza delivery boy. When you graduate, the incompetent ass-kisser who is hired the same day as you will ultimately become your boss. Through all of this, you'll whine that “it's not fair!”

It's not very well publicized, but the Easter Bunny is fully subsidized by the American Egg Producers Association. I make and deliver toys to millions of children every year, free of charge. If you don't think it's fair that I enjoy a few cookies for my efforts, then screw you.

I hope you're getting something good from the Easter Bunny this year, ‘cause you're not getting jack from me.

 

 

SANTA

Dear Santa,

I'd like to know some things. How do you fit in the chimney's?

And if we don't have a chimney how do you get in.

And some of the things I wan't is wrestling figures or other things. Suprise me

PS: Hope you like the cookie's

From
Austin
Merry Christmas

Dear Austin,

 

It's never good to ask someone to surprise (as opposed to suprise) you unless you truly would be happy with anything you get, ranging from a West Hollywood Ken doll to a bucket of used hypodermic needles. Based on your one stated request for “wrestling figures,” I'm guessing that you'd be disappointed in any kind of toy that requires intelligence or imagination to use. That eliminates a huge percentage of the toys on the market. I will try to do my best, though. My research has shown me that of the little boys who ask for “wrestling figures,” 45% of them are future drug-using sociopaths, and another 45% are latent homosexuals. The remaining 10% are drug-using latent homosexual sociopaths.

I hope you enjoy your Ken doll AND your bucket of used hypodermic needles.

 

 

 

Your Best Buddy,

SANTA

Hi Santa,

My sister is making me leave out oatmeal cookies for you even though they are gross. You probably like chocolate chip cookies better. I'll try to put some of them on the plate too. please don't put me on the bad list, just my sister.

Looking out for you,
kevyn

Dear Kevyn,

 

You're absolutely correct. Oatmeal cookies are disgusting. The only thing worse are oatmeal cookies with raisins. At first glance, they look like oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips, and you think to yourself,
well, at least these oatmeal cookies have chocolate chips
. Then you pick one up and take a bite only to realize that they're really RAISINS! It's a joke of the cruelest kind. Hitler LOVED oatmeal cookies with raisins!

Rest assured that you will not be punished for this travesty. Your sister, however, shall pay.

 

 

 

Disgustedly yours,

SANTA

Dear Santa,

It's me again, Cate. Last year you bought me a lot of presents, and I just wanted to say thank you once again. This year, I want a lot of things, and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. Mom says you won't be getting me everything I want, but I always tell her she doesn't know you like I do. For Christmas, I'll start out with some of the little things I need. I need a hair brush for Barbie and some new clothes for her too. She's getting very tired of the ones she's been wearing for the past three months. Also for Barbie, she needs the new dream house and the nice sports car I saw on the TV commercial, I think you know which one I'm talking about. Also for Barbie, she needs one last thing; these amazing new heels I saw last week in the store, they're blue and sparkly and they should fit her just right!! As for me, I need a lot of things as well. I saw this really cute doll that I fell in love with. She had blue eyes just like me, and she also had long brown hair just like me too. Her name was Dress-Me-Up DeeDee and I saw her in the doll section of Toys R' Us. DeeDee is going to need some new clothes just like Barbie, except I hope they have some in a bigger size. DeeDee is going to need a new pink shirt, as well as some black shorts so she can match me when we decide to dress together. After DeeDee, I would like to get a friend for her to play with, so
when she's home alone she doesn't get lonely. I found her friend in the same place as DeeDee, and her name is Julia. She looks just like DeeDee, except she has green eyes and blonde hair. I think Julia is going to want some new clothes too, so if you could bring her some, any kind you like, that would be cool.

Santa, I know this is a lot to ask for, but I believe that you can bring me all these things without thinking I'm greedy. I'm really not, even though my mom tells me I'm spoiled all the time. For the last of my presents, I would like my ears pierced. My mom always tells my I'm too young, but 9 isn't that young, all my friends have their ear's pierced and it's not fair! I think I should be allowed to especially since Natalie, my best friend at school, has two holes in each ear! Maybe you can take me without telling my mom, and then she'll have to let me keep them once they're in my ear! Natalie is just like me, we almost have the same exact things, except she has a little more than me, but its okay because we share most of our stuff anyway.

The very last thing I want for Christmas Santa, is a new bike to ride in the spring and summer. I want this yellow and green bike I saw also in Toys R' Us, dad knows what it looks like so he can tell you all about it. I can't wait to show it off to all my friends, I've never seen anything like it anywhere,

My friends will think I'm the coolest kid they've ever known.

Anyway Santa, I hope I get everything I ask for because in the past, I know you've always been faithful to me. If you can't get everything, then I understand, I know you have a billion and one kids to get things for anyway. I love you, Santa.

Love Always,
Cate F.

Dear Cate,

 

You are greedy. You are spoiled. And your friend Natalie is a tramp. Yet you're only a tenth of the torture you're going to be to others when you get older.

 

 

 

I shudder to think,

SANTA

Dear Mr. Santa,

I know there's lots of other girls named krystal in the world so I think you got confused and gave me a Barbie when I asked for a Bratz doll. Can you switch them please?

Thanks,
krystal

Dear Krystal,

 

That was no mistake. Despite what I think of Barbie and the message she sends to girls (and a few odd boys) it pales in comparison to what I think of the Bratz. These nasty, repugnant dolls are nothing less than the heralds of the end of civilization as we know it. You know what it says when a little girl says she wants a Barbie? She's saying she wants to be sweet, wholesome, and impossibly slim, and be loved by a pretty but androgynous boy. When a girl tells me she wants a Bratz doll, it tells me she wants to grow up to be an ignorant whore who will use sex to manipulate any man she comes in contact with.

Mrs. Claus doesn't need any additional support.

 

 

 

Stick with Barbie,

SANTA

Santa,

What's does ho mean? I heard it in a song and I thought you'd know because you say it a lot.

Sincerely,
Franck, 9