Santa Claus (4 page)

Dear Beth,

 

I understand the desperation evident in your letter. However, your attempts to be very, very good, or “even more good” will do little to save your parents' marriage—just as your father's purchase of that diamond-studded heart-shaped necklace did nothing to gain your mother's forgiveness or assuage his own guilt.

I will of course bring you the set of skates you are hoping for. The solace they will provide during your weekend visitations with your father, though, will be minimal. It's hard to hear, but the truth is your parents will be better off apart. And you really must stop blaming your little sister for the failure of their relationship. You'll need her support in the years ahead.

 

With regret,

 

SANTA

P.S. I can't stand oatmeal cookies.

Dear Jolly Old Saint Nick,

I'm a 34 year-old father of two writing to you alongside my kids, Johnny (age 6) and Kirsten (age 9). We're all making our Christmas lists for you, and I want to show them that even adults get things from Santa if they ask. Kirsten is starting to wonder about you, whether or not you're real. I write to you every year, right?

 

For Christmas this year, here's what I'd like:

 

That should just about do it, Santa. Thanks for everything-I'll see you Christmas Eve after the kids go to bed, just like last year. I like those cookies, too!

 

Sincerely,
Trevor Innsbruck

Dear Trevor,

 

You certainly do write to me every year, and every year you start off your list with the same old kiss-ass request for “world peace.” But then you've always been the living embodiment of the phrase “talk is cheap.” After all, why really do anything for the environment when you can get your self a “hybrid” and pretend you've done something without it inconveniencing you in the least. And go ahead and do all of your shopping at Home Depot, where you can't find any competent help to save your life. Meanwhile, the local hardware store down the street with the knowledgeable guy who would love to help you, will soon be out of business because his hammers cost a little bit more than Home Depot's. Local economies are being destroyed across your country because morons like you keep buying cheap shit at national chains that funnel your money out of your own communities, allowing them to wither and die. But of course that doesn't fit on a bumper sticker to plaster onto your hybrid.

 

Get bent,

 

SANTA

Dear Santa Claus,

Hi, I am Colin Jacobsen. How are you? I am fine, just being really good like always.

Santa, what do you do when its not Christmas time? I know your really busy now, but what about in the summer? Do you go on vacation? Do you stay in the North Pole with Mrs. Claus? what about the elves? And what about the reindeer? Is Rudolph real? Do you have a pet polar bear? I want a pet polar bear, or a grizzly bear, or a lion. I like balloons. Do you like balloons? Can you make them into shapes, like bikes and giraffes? why are there necks so long? Can you do magic? How do you read all the letters from all the kids and how do you eat so many cookies?

Do you really give coal to bad kids? I am a nice boy, I try not to be naughty at all. I like video games. I like kickball at recess. My mommy and daddy are nice. My sister Eva cries alot. I want squirt guns for Christmas. Mommy says no guns. I also like basketball. I need a new ball and a basket to shoot at when its warm outside. I want a snowboard too, but mommy says I'm not old enuff. Daddy says mommy worries too much. I want a pet turtle for Christmas too. I like the shell and daddy showed me his old ninja turtle action guys, and I like turtles. I think that's all Santa, I hope you can fly everywhere and eat lots of cookies.

Your friend,
Colin

Dear Colin,

 

Despite the stultifying repetitiveness of the questions I am asked, I do, in fact, like that kids ask them. Kids should ask lots of questions because it is, after all, the only way to get answers. If you ask questions your whole life, you'll continue to learn new things and become a wiser person. If you never ask questions you'll grow up to be a moron. (But don't worry. Your country's own recent history proves that that's no bar to becoming president.)

Of course, sometimes lots of questions are just the first sign of ADD.

 

 

 

Get help,

SANTA

Hi Santa,

How is the North Pole? I live in Florida so I never see snow and it is always warm and hot.

I hope that your reindeer can fly here without any snow. I will leave carrots for them to make them happy. I like carrots too but not more than I like candy. I don't think reindeers can eat candy.

For Christmas, I want a baseball so that I can learn to throw like my big brother. Maybe he will play catch with me on the beach like he does with his friends. I would like a baseball very much. It would be a good present.

My Daddy needs a new job because he lost his old one and my Mommy needs a new car because her old one is broken. Please see if your elves can help.

I will watch for you on Christmas Eve. My flashlight will be at the window so you can find my house. It is the yellow one with a white door just in case you don't see me.

Merry Christmas!
Ryan

Dear Ryan,

 

You're a good kid. So it pains me to have to be the one to tell you that fate has dropped you into a cesspool—and I don't just mean Florida. The sad truth is that wonderful children are born all the time into families who don't deserve them, and with whom they don't deserve having gotten stuck. Soon enough you'll come to realize that your juvenile delinquent of an older brother is only your half brother. Steer clear of him. Meanwhile, the freeloader you both call your father (don't worry, he really isn't) will be moving on right after your mother loses her job because of having no way to get to work. Unfortunately, she'll soon begin a career that she can perform from home and additional half-siblings will be the result. Do not attach yourself to any of them. Make the most of the baseball I'll be bringing you this year. Your real father was the captain of the Duke University baseball team (enjoying a little Spring Break R&R) and you've inherited his brains and his talent ten times over. Pursue scholarships, and keep them a secret from your parasitic family. When you're accepted for a full ride at your father's alma mater, leave these soul-suckers behind and never look back.

 

 

 

I'm pulling for you,

SANTA

Dear Santa Claus,

All I want for Christmas is a new like I hope the elves at the North Pole know how to make a bike for me. I want it to be blue. Blue is my favorite color. What is your favorite color? I think it is red because that is the color of your suit!

Shannon Riley Murphy says that you are just pretend, but she is always trying to trick me. I won't let it work this time. Please write back so that I can show her you are real. I believe in you Santa. If there is a bike under the tree on Christmas Day then you really must be real.

I don't need a helmet for the bike. Your friend,

Masato

Dear Masato,

 

Don't you know that true devotion and belief don't require any physical proof to back them up? Of course that's exactly the kind of impossible-to-prove bullshit that leads people to blow themselves up for imaginary virgins and to believe that books written by sadistic desert nomads are the unchallengeable word of God.

In other words, good for you, Masato! If there's any advice I could give you it would be don't believe the claptrap that people like Shannon Riley Murphy will try to force-feed you throughout your life. Make ‘em provide the proof. Of course, you could take that to an extreme. Such as a refusal to believe in the importance of, oh…say, safety helmets. But don't worry. Their importance will be made abundantly clear to you about seven weeks after you receive your beautiful new blue bike.

 

 

 

Enjoy it while you can!

SANTA

Dear Santa,

I was very good this year and now it's payback time. Here is what you should bring me for Christmas:

Thanks Santa. I know you'll deliver this year. Tomas Murnz, 8

P.S. Don't forget: We don't have a chimney, so please use the front door!