Saved By You (5 page)

How was it possible I still had any tears left?

I pinched my eyes closed, blotting those tears away. Haden couldn’t see me cry. I had to be strong.

“I gave you everything,” I said. “I gave you everything that you wanted. I shared all of myself, and you fed me lies.” I bit down, swallowing hard. When I opened my eyes, again, I could see the hurt in his face. “Were you lying the whole time so you could get to me? Because, you did a damned good job of it. You’re a better actor than Hollywood gave you credit for.”

He shook his head, sharply.

“I didn’t lie to you,” he said. “It’s complicated, and I didn’t want to get you mixed up in things until I was certain that you could handle it.”

“In my book, keeping things from me is the same as lying,” I said. “What made you think I wasn’t good enough to be included in your life? You said you liked my strength. Was that a lie, too?”

He squeezed my hand once. My arms were still frozen in place, unable to pull away from him.

“The whole situation with Kyle, and the band—its complicated,” he said. “I didn’t want you to think that I was just some player who was going to run off after I got what I wanted.”

“But, that’s
exactly
what’s going to happen, isn’t it?” I said. “You’re going to run off to your big tour, and you’re going to forget about that little red-headed girl in that one little town.” I shook my head, my lips pinched flat. “I’m sorry, what did Kyle call it? That
shit hole
.”

Haden gave me a hard look.

“I haven’t run off, have I? I’m still here. Still with
you
.” His eyes burned intensely, and he gave my hand another soft squeeze. The tears were coming on even stronger than before, but I fought viciously to hold them back. “I’m not leaving without you. I can’t.”

My head dipped, unable to take anymore. The look on Haden’s face left no doubt that he was telling the truth. He had no intention of leaving.

“Do you expect me to just run away with you?” I said. “Is that what your game plan is?”

He shook his head. “I forgot every plan I had the moment I met you,” he said. “I just want to be with you.”

I shook my head, trying to force away the images that were surfacing. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about a life with Haden more than once since I met him. But things happen, and fantasies don’t always happen the way you want.

Thoughts of my mom began swirling in my head. Images of her in the car were flashing. The way she looked after she had caught me with Haden was haunting me. She had always been so strong—for the both of us. She had always been someone I could lean on whenever I needed it.

Well, I needed to lean on her right now. But she wasn’t around. Now it was
my
turn to be strong.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I said. “I can’t leave my mom, and I can’t leave my family.”

Haden squeezed my hand, again.

“Then I’m not going anywhere, either,” he said.

I looked up at him, and the tears began flooding down my cheeks. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. I didn’t
want
to hold them back anymore.

“I can’t do this,” I said. “Not like this. Not right now.”

With one final effort of my willpower, I jerked my hand away from him. His eyes went wide, stunned and speechless.

“I have to go,” I said. “I can’t be here anymore.”

I slid out of the booth, nearly toppling into the waitress carrying our drinks. She sidestepped me, quickly, and I all but ran out of the restaurant, never looking back.

I drove away from Chili’s as fast as possible. I didn’t want to deal with the flood of emotions welling inside of me. I just wanted to be somewhere safe—somewhere far away. Somewhere that I didn’t have to think about Haden and the way he had looked when he’d said all of those things. I couldn’t sit and think about the way he looked when he told me he loved me, or the way it had made me feel.

I was past all of that. I had to be stronger than the emotional little girl that I’d been just a few days earlier. Things had changed, and they’d never go back to being the way they’d were. I was a woman now, and I had to start acting like it—not just for my own sake, but for Mom’s too.

I drove the Beater as fast as I could, and when it came time to turn toward the hospital, I kept driving. There was no way I could handle seeing Mom right then, not with how emotional I already was. I needed to calm down first—I needed to center myself.

Pulling into the driveway, I was happy to see Sarah’s car parked outside. She was quickly becoming the cornerstone from which I could hold myself up, and I needed to talk to her.

“You’re back early,” she said when I got inside. She studied me for a second, then added, “And you have that
I just saw Haden, so now my eyes are red
look.”

I shrugged. “It’s a long story,” I said.

“How’d things go with Scottie?” she asked.

I shrugged a shoulder. “I don’t know,” I said. “I barely even started talking to him about Haden before Haden actually showed up at the bar.”

She winced. “He does seem to be there a lot, doesn’t he?” she said. I nodded. “What did he say?”

I took a deep breath, and then told her about everything that had happened. Her eyes went wide when I told her about going to Chili’s with him, but she didn’t say anything. After I’d told her everything that happened at the restaurant, I gave her a long look.

“Do you think I made a mistake?” I asked.

She cocked her head to the side, and gave me a curious look.

“What do you think?” she said.

I shrugged. “I’m not sure,” I said. I groaned as I thought about it some more. “I mean, I know I shouldn’t be talking to him. I know it would be best if we went our separate ways. But part of me still wants him around.” I cringed. “What does that make me?”

Sarah gave me a sympathetic look. “Hurt,” she said. “That’s all. He hurt you, and you’re just trying to deal with it.”

“But, he hurt me, so doesn’t that mean I should stay away before he hurts me again?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I don’t think so,” she said. “I don’t think it’s quite as cut and dry as that.”

“What would you do?”

She tilted her head to the side, and gave me a sad look.

“What I would do isn’t important,” she said. “You’re going to have to make a decision for yourself.”

I sighed and nodded at her. She was right—I had to figure things out for myself. I wasn’t living Sarah’s life, after all, I was living my own. I needed to think about it some more. There weren’t going to be any easy answers.

Sarah looked around us, as though making sure we were alone. When she turned back to me, her face was serious.

“Can we talk in my room for a minute?” she asked.

My brow pinched together, confused, but I nodded. I followed her back to her room, and she sat me on the bed next to her.

“You’re kind of freaking me out,” I said. “What’s with all the secrecy?”

She fixed me with a serious look. “You told me earlier about everything that happened between you and Haden,” she said. Her cheeks turned rosy, and I knew exactly what she was talking about. She blew out a deep breath, pushing through her hesitation. “But, you didn’t mention one thing.”

I frowned at her. “What do you mean?” I asked.

Her eyes widened as her head tilted forward, fixing me with a
you know what I’m talking about
stare. I shook my head, confused about what she might mean.

“Were you safe?” she asked, finally.

“Oh,” I said, my eyes widening with shock. Was my
little
cousin really about to give me a speech about the birds and the bees? Didn’t she think I was past that? “Well, no,” I said. “But, everything will be fine. It was just one time.”

She shook her head, incredulously. “You said it was three times,” she said. I winced, and gave a tiny nod. Her face was more motherly than I thought possible. It was scary. “You know better than that, Maggie,” she said. “I know you’ve been going through a lot over the last twenty-four hours,” she continued. “Which is why I’m here to look after you.”

I squinted my eyes, and she fixed me with another look. She walked over to her purse, sitting on the dresser and pulled a bag out of it. Something square was in the bag, and she eyed it nervously before turning it over to me.

“I got this for you,” she said.

I unwrapped the plastic bag and pulled out a thin little green box marked
Plan B
. My eyes went wide when I realized what I was holding.

“You want me to take the morning after pill?” I said.

“You can’t be too safe, Maggie,” she said. “It might be nothing, but it’s better to be safe than sorry later.”

I stared at it for another second. My eyes scanning over big words that I remembered from my sex ed classes in school.

“How did you even get this?” I asked.

“Don’t worry, no one knew it was for you. I had to sit through a twenty minute lecture on safe sex, and I’m pretty sure Huck will have to answer some awkward questions, but…” she shrugged. “It’s important.”

I shook my head, and then considered it some more. She was right, of course. The last thing I needed right then was to get pregnant. I was only eighteen, after all, and there was no way I was ready to raise a child. Especially not with everything
else
that was going on.

Finally, I nodded. “Thanks Sarah,” I said. “You’re right. With everything going on… I just wasn’t thinking straight.”

A wide smile spread across her face.

“That’s what family’s for,” she said. “We look out for each other.”

I grinned at her. “It’s been a while since Mom and I have been able to rely on anyone but ourselves.”

Another pang went through me when I thought about Mom. Sarah’s eyes tightened, sensing exactly what I was feeling. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight.

“Everything’s going to be alright,” she said. “You’re not going through any of this alone.”

I nodded at her, grateful.

“I know,” I said.

Sarah and I drove to the hospital together in her Volvo. The sun was already setting, and I felt bad that I hadn’t gotten there earlier. I hoped we weren’t too late to visit Mom for a little bit. We parked and made our way into the hospital. The waiting room was full of familiar faces. Grandma and Aunt Denise greeted us, and Grandma told me that Mom was doing well, and that she was resting.

“Is it alright if I go in to see her?” I asked.

She said it was. Mom had been asking about me, and it was good that I was there.

The room was still dark, with the only light coming from a tiny lamp in the corner. A window on the far wall was outlined with the light of the setting sun outside, but the curtains were thick and kept the room dark. The machines all around continued their beeping and chirping.

Mom looked so peaceful laying in the bed, that I almost felt bad for disturbing her. I sat in the same chair that I’d slept in the night before, and watched her for a long time. I wondered what she might be dreaming about. I wondered if she was dreaming of a happier time. I didn’t want to wake her and bring her back to a world that was getting darker by the minute.

For a while, I let my own thoughts stray far from that tiny hospital room. The world outside was getting dark, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. The darkness was going to come until there was no more light. But after all the dust settled, I hoped there would be the possibility for redemption. After all, the sun had to set before it could rise again, right?

My thoughts strayed so far away, that I didn’t even notice when Mom woke up. My focus snapped to attention, and I realized that she’d been watching me for a few minutes. Her eyes studied me, curiously.

“What are you thinking?” she asked.

“I thought you were sleeping,” I said.

“I did, for a time.” Her mouth curled into the tiniest of smiles. “I’m glad you made it down.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here earlier,” I said.

She closed her eyes and gave a slight shake of her head. “We can’t both live in a hospital,” she said. “Besides, you have things that need taking care of out there.” She glanced toward the window.

“None of that is as important as what’s in here,” I said. I walked over to the bed, and held her hand. Her grip was weaker than I’d ever remembered. “I’m here for you, Mom. Through all of this.”

She smiled, but didn’t say anything. I leaned against the bed and held her hand for a while. There were a million questions running through my mind, and I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know if I should even mention them. Mom didn’t need be concerned with anything right then - she had enough stuff going on. I didn’t need to make things worse than they already were. But they refused to stop swirling around in my head, and I needed some answers.

“How long are you going to be here,” I said. “Are you going to be able to come home soon?”

She considered it for a second before responding. “The doctors say that they still have a lot of tests they want to run.”

I nodded. “And what about after those tests are done?” I said. “Do you have to get chemo or anything? Is your hair going to fall out?”

I cringed as I said it. Concern rifled through me that she would take it the wrong way. But, if she did, she didn’t show it.

“They’re still considering every option,” she said. Then she let out a small laugh, it felt like the best thing I’d heard all day. “I don’t know about having my hair fall out,” she said. “I don’t think I’d be very pretty.”

I smiled with her, and squeezed her hand. “I’ll just have to shave my head.” I said. “We can be bald together.”

“That’s sweet of you,” she said. She eyed me for a second, considering me. “Your hair is too beautiful to go and cut it all off.”

I shrugged. “It’ll grow back,” I said. “Besides, I could donate it, and then some other little girl can be beautiful, too.”

“
More
beautiful,” Mom corrected me.

We smiled at each other for a while. Then sat in silence. I couldn’t imagine how scary it must be to be laying in my mom’s place right then. I didn’t think I’d be able to handle it as calmly as she was.