Saving You, Saving Me (15 page)

            “If you don’t feel comfortable doing this, what would happen?” I asked.

            “They would call me a loser and stop being my friends.”

            “Do you want to be friends with people who want to pressure you into something you don’t want, or do you want friends who are supportive of things you do want?” I asked.

            “I didn’t think of it that way,” the Caller said.

            “Mind if I ask how old are you?” I asked.  Derek looked over at me, with his eyebrows raised. It was a personal question of the Caller, and the Center’s policy was to try to avoid personal questions if necessary.

            “I’m fifteen,” the girl said.

            “So you’re old enough to think for yourself.  In other words, you’re not a baby anymore and don’t need hand-holding,” I said.

            “I’m not a baby,” the girl said, sounding offended.

            “What is it that your friends want you to do, and if you don’t go along with it, what would happen?”

            There was silence at the other end of the phone, and I looked over at Derek, who was watching me, his eyes glued to my lips. 

            Megan walked by then, and suddenly Derek was standing behind my chair, his arms leaned down to hold me while his lips bent to nuzzle my neck, his breath warm against my skin. He kissed my neck and then the top of my collarbones, while the Caller began talking. “They want me to smoke marijuana with them.”

            “And if you don’t?” I asked.

            “They will stop being my friends.”

            I glanced over to my right and could see out the corner of my eyes, the outline of Megan standing there, watching Derek and I. Oh my goodness. I was mad. Mad at Derek for doing what he was doing, and mad at me for going along with it just because I couldn’t say no to helping people. What was I thinking?

            Lola was grinning widely, while Serious Susan was shaking her head.

            Worse, was that Derek’s kissing my neck and shoulders was beginning to feel really good.

            I concentrated on the Caller and what she was saying. “Look, it may seem like they’re all the friends you have, but if you get pressured into doing something you don’t want, you will only end up hating what you’ve done and feeling bad about yourself. That’s worse than having so-called friends who don’t want you as a friend just because you didn’t do what they wanted you to.”

            “I’ve been friends with them since we were ten,” she said.

            “That is difficult to break friendships like that, but they’re not considering what you want, if they’re willing to drop you like that, too,” I said.

            “How old are you?” she asked me suddenly.

            “I’m eighteen,” I said. “I went through high school facing the same thing you did, but I grew up being different, and I didn’t care what other people thought of me,” I said.

            “How do you not care what people think of you?”

            “Because, I was sick and tired of it,” I said. “All my life I’ve had to live up to what people expected of me,” I said, “So I rebelled. I stop thinking about being what they thought I should be like, when I was thirteen.”

            “Is it better that you did?” the girl asked.

            “Yes, it is. I feel confident about myself now more than I did before I turned thirteen.”

            We talked for 25 more minutes about why she did not feel confident enough to step out of her group of friends and make new friends.  We talked about how it was important for her to develop her own interests outside of her group of friends, and to make friends from those interests.  She was interested in games, but her friends were not, so we talked about how she could join a girl’s gamer group or if there was not a group like that, how she could step out and form one. She was still hesitant about going against the wishes of her circle of friends, though.

            “I’ll be called a loser and no one would want to be my friend,” the girl said.

            “Those friends aren’t worth having,” I said. “If they can’t accept who you are and encourage you to reach your potential, then you are better off without them. I know I’m going to sound like a grown up now, but this is the bottom line: You have your whole life ahead of you.  Do you want to be controlled by what those girls think or do you want to become the person you were destined to be, much greater than what your so-called friends want you to be.”

            “I want to be a doctor,” the girl said.

            “You’ll have a hard time getting into medical school if you start taking drugs,” I said simply.

            “I get it,” the girl said. “It’s hard to hear, but I get it, and you’re not like this 50 year old shrink who’s telling me this. You’re a teen like I am.  Thank you.”

            “Good luck and call me here if you need to,” I said hanging up.

            As soon as I hung up, I turned around to face Derek, who grabbed my face with his hands and moved his lips to mine. I didn’t open up my mouth, although he was definitely a very good kisser.

            I looked over at Megan then and she walked away.

            Derek pulled away, his eyes blazing. “Don’t you feel it?” he said, “the chemistry between us?”

            I stepped back. He was definitely a very good kisser, and I didn’t want to be distracted from what I had to say. “Derek, I know you like me, and I know we’re friendly, but I don’t want to lead you on.  I’m not interested in a relationship like that with you. We’re friends and that’s how I like it. Just now…I regret playing along with you for Megan’s sake.”

            A stricken look crossed Derek’s face. “Oh God, Sam, I’m sorry. I saw Megan there, and you were looking so beautiful, I got carried away. I’ve been meaning to kiss you for a while, and I thought you liked me too. I did not mean to take advantage of our friendship.”

            “Derek,” I said gently, taking his hand. He looked so sad. “I do care about you, but as a friend. When I started working here, I was in a kind of relationship that just got complicated. I’m still not over it. There are things I have to work out.”

            “Oh,” Derek said, sounding disappointed. “I didn’t know. Things make a little more sense now. I wished I knew so I could’ve backed off. I mean I really like you.”

            “I bet you say that to every girl you date, Derek the Serial Dater,” I joked.

            “Don’t,” he winced. “I’m only dating different girls right now because the girl I have my heart set on doesn’t seem to want me.” He stared at me for a second before he turned around.

            “Derek,” I said, “It’s not because I don’t want you, you’re cute, sweet, funny, kind, sexy, and if I wasn’t so confused about where I was on this relationship I’m in, I would’ve fallen for you.”

            He looked up, his eyes hopeful.

            “But I think you need to tell Megan something about us,” I said, pointing to where Megan had gone off to…the Conference Room.  “I don’t want to give her the wrong idea, Derek, please.  If she has guilt issues about you and her, then you two have to talk. Are you over each other?”

            “Yes, we are,” Derek said.

            “Well, I’m not sure about that.  Just now when you were kissing me, I saw her expression, and it didn’t look like she was happy for you. She looked jealous even.”

            “She did?” Derek asked. “That’s strange, I mean I thought…”

            “Exactly,” I said. “Talk to her and figure out what’s going on. Meanwhile, I’ll handle the phones.”

            Derek smiled, as he touched my chin with his finger. “I’m still hurting from your rejection, Sam, but now I know the reason so that soften the blow.” He laughed. “Whoever you’re in this confusing relationship with, is one lucky guy.”

            I put my arms around him and pushed him towards the Conference Room. Then I went to my desk. The green light was flashing on screen and on my phone. I sat down, put on my headset and pressed the button.

            “Hi, you’ve reached Sawyer House, what do you want to talk about today?”

            As soon as he said, “Susan,” I knew who he was. Daggers. My heart began racing and my palms started sweating, as I remembered the sexy dream I had about him. “I’ve been thinking about you, Susan,” he said.

            “I have been thinking of you,” I said softly.

            “I couldn’t sleep last night,” Daggers said, “because I kept thinking I had to say something to you…to let you know how much your faith in me means to me.”

            “I’m glad,” I said. “It’s all you, though. I mean,” I was flustered. “You’re the one who had to make that change.”

            “But I couldn’t do this without you, Susan.” He sounded happy.

            “Daggers,” I said. “How are things going?”

            “I started falling in love with the girl who I mentioned. She’s like a breath of fresh air, and everything I want.”

            I felt a strange feeling wash over me, as he went on about this girl. I tried to fight it, but suddenly I didn’t want him with her. I didn’t want Daggers to find this girl.

            “Susan, last night, she came to my house, and I wanted to make love to her, to videotape her, to collect her on film, but I stopped. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to because I was afraid of losing her.  I didn’t even have sex with her, although I really wanted to more than anything in the world. Because I love her, I wanted to wait for her to want me in that way. I didn’t force or pressure her. Instead, I crawled into bed with her, held her, and fell asleep with her. And I never slept better than ever.”

            My entire body froze.

            “Susan,” Daggers said, “I imagine you to be very much like her…an angel. That’s why I keep calling you. You’re my lifeline, my agent for change. I think I can have a normal relationship with my girl if I can keep talking to you about my demons. I can’t taint her with that or she won’t want me.”

            I finally thawed, but felt numb. Serious Susan slapped me a few times on my face to get me to out of the daze.  “What do you want, Daggers?”

            “I want to keep talking to you, I want to be able to call you every night to talk to you, and I don’t want to wait to talk to you, like all the other Callers you deal with.” Daggers sighed and then he said, “I’ll pay you even.”

            “No,” I said, closing my eyes. “That’s just…”

            “Are you saying ‘no’ that you won’t talk to me outside of your work?”

            “I’m not allowed to, Daggers, plus I won’t do this for the money, but because I care for you. I want you to be happy.”

            “Ahhh,” Daggers sexy voice sighed against my ears. “I tell you I’m falling for this girl, and you tell me this?” he said. “When I see her, I think of you, too, you know that?”

            Somehow my heart jumped, but plummeted, too.

            “I made a donation to Sawyer House,” he said. “I hope that covers my time with you.”

            “Daggers, you didn’t have to,” I said.

            “It’s not because I have to, it’s because I want to, Susan,” he said. “I made some right decisions in life when I was younger that turned me into a very wealthy man, even at my young age. I’ve had such a hard start in life, Susan, it’s made me appreciate everything I’ve got. You’ve helped me, no, you’re helping me, and so I’m helping Sawyer House. In the beginning I wasn’t even going to call Sawyer House. It was an accident that I called this line when I was looking for another line. And it was a risk. I don’t do public talks or crisis centers. I do private therapy with overpaid psychs to the stars. This was a risk I took, all because I was lucky enough to get you on the line, to talk me into talking to you. So the donation? It’s my calculated risk, Susan, to make sure you’ll still be around.”

            Calculated risk?
Where did I hear that before?

            My head was spinning, and my heart was pounding so loudly that I feared my head would explode.

            Lola had her hand clapped to her mouth, and Serious Susan looked on in horror.

            “Collins?” I said so softly I could barely hear myself.

            There was a deep intake of breath at the other end of the line before the line went dead.

           
D
erek and Megan found me quivering and shaking like a leaf curled up like a ball in the corner of the room.  My head was in my arms, feeling so heavy that Derek had to lift my face up so he can talk to me. “Sam!” He enveloped me into his arms as the tremors kept coming over and over me again like waves. “What is it?” he asked. “What happened?”

            Megan came over and gently touched my shoulders, “Here,” she said, “drink this, it’ll calm your nerves.” He handed me a mug of tea that I nearly spilled since I was shaking so hard. Derek grabbed it out of my hand and gave it back to Megan.

            After a while, I subsided while Derek held me. Gently he stroked my hair as I leaned into him, unable to control my shaking.

            “It’s okay,” Derek said, rubbing my back. “You’ll be okay, Sam. You’re safe. I won’t let go until you’re ready.” As the tremors went through me, I held on tighter, and he tightened his grip on me until I was still.

            Gradually my shaking stopped and I closed my eyes feeling like lead. I sunk into Derek, and he lifted me off the floor, carrying me as I dangled in his arms.

            “How is she?” Megan asked.

“She stopped shaking,” I heard Derek say. “I think that’s good, but now she’s out cold. Must be exhaustion. Sam has been in here almost every day for the past three or four weeks, like she was on a mission, hardly taking breaks, and when she did, she would be reading up on things. She said she was glad to be hearing other people’s problems so she could stop thinking of her own. I didn’t think it would be this bad.”